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Porn - is it my fault? :/

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 and a half years and we moved in together at the beginning of this year. We used to have sex and sexual contact all the time. Now, hardly at all. I was wrong to do so but I went on his phone because I needed to know if we weren't having sex because porn was involved, because he was no longer attracted to me or both. Turns out porn is involved which I obviously can't compete with! I saw he'd been watching it today and even left his pants and shorts in the bathroom by accident. I'd asked him if he'd been masterbating and he denied it and came up with some ridiculous story about forgetting the shorts. I know he's still into sex because I saw a message to his friend that said "imagine the fanny that's out tonight" when referring to going out with the lads for the night.

There was one occasion before when we were both in his phone looking at something and I'd pressed back too many times and the porn came up. He was
Mortified, snatched the phone off me and threw it across the room hiding his face until I left.

I'm far too nervous to talk to him about it, partly because he's trying to hide it from me as he's embarrassed and partly because I shouldn't have been on his phone.

Is there anything I can do? Obviously I can't compete with the girls he watches with me looks or sexually but I don't want him to find me unattractive in comparison to them. Ang suggestions please? :(
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Incidentally, i don't put up with porn, never did in a relationship. It contributed to the break up of my first marriage,  and now i'm with a man that wouldn't bother if he could. There are men out there that are able to grasp that they wouldn't want their spouse gawking at other men, and so they wouldn't do the same to their wife. It's not an outlandish scenario to expect sex to be between two without having to bring in others.

Many men need years to sow their wild oats. It sounds maybe like your guy, got into a relationship too early and that's why he's acting out, needing to go out with single buddies. But it still doesn't make it better for you and your life and expectations of a committed relationship. You deserve the best, that's all there is to it. He's not it.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
That said, moving in together (after 5 years), may have led to just too much togetherness.......

After 5 years of dating, a man that moves in with a women is expected to act like a married man. and married men don't get to go out cruising for tail.

The fact that he watches porn while you are both not in a close physical relationship , and that he is pleasuring himself without you, says to me clearly that he might have gotten into this joint venture with you, for finacial reasons.

I'm so sorry to say this to you. It would be so devastating to hear those words, but Please know , that your partner's actions are NO REFLECTION on you. This is not likely to be about your doing anything wrong.

Clearly he has not measured up, and it is your time to decide on what type of partner you want and need.

My partner would never go out for a boys night, unless I gave him my blessing.
He is more mature than to look upon 19-21, photo shopped fantasy girls.
Our phones are open to us both to use, never a moments worry about that.

You have your ideal partner out there, he just can't get to you because you're living with an immature male. That being said, i'm so sorry that this has happened, it's supposed to be a time when you are celebrating your proximity.  It doesn't always happen first time out of the gate, Don't be turned off men , there are plenty of good ones out there. Don't settle for 2nd or 3rd or 4th best. I'm here if you ever want to talk privately.
Liz

Helpful - 0
15439126 tn?1444443163
Porn's porn (fantasy girls, men's ideal is typically aged 19-21, photoshopped etc. etc. an uninvolved way to achieve sexual release), if he's into it he'll likely always be into it to some greater or lesser degree, regardless of his level of activities with you.  Overheard talk amongst the lads about what's out there may mean absolutely nothing.

That said, moving in together (after 5 years), may have led to just too much togetherness (all too clearly his privacy's being invaded for example), and I think that aspect had been earlier nibbling away at the foundations of your relationship.   He's not sounding like the sharpest pencil in the box (having porn mixed in with regular pics, where it might be stumbled upon when you're both browsing -- that he's embarrassed so much with you about it leads me to believe he's very shy or young or both).

I think you both need to respect each other, and, each other's privacy.  You may owe him an apology or two.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Nothing wrong with watching porn now and then - but who wouldn't want being with you instead? My god, you're the real thing!

He's disrespecting you by not providing what you need, that's the most important thing - something that shouldn't be on your radar screen of 'things that are bothering".

He's disrespecting you by running around with the lads looking at other female ***.

He doesn't deserve you. Move out one day when he's not around. Or one night when he's out on the town, prowling.

Boy will he be depressed and dismayed to come home, find you gone. Hard lesson learned. Maybe it will do him some good. You can't treat your woman that way. What an idiot.
Helpful - 0
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