Porn and marriage

[nygrl]

hi guys, I'm a 31 year old married woman. I've had 2 children and have done my best to keep in decent shape for my husband. I'm actually back into working out heavy again. I'll be honest, I am not comfortable standing around naked in front of my husband, so i don't.He always tells me he loves me, that I'm beatiful and I'm his best friend. We still have sex regularly and I honestly thought he loved me very much. We've always had an understanding, or so I thought, that porn was not something that he would ever get into..no strip clubs, no cheating of course.  Well, for his job I made the mistake of buying him a PDA with web access. We couldn't really afford it but I bought it. Now, of course, I know many many guys look at porn. I don't get it, but I know it happens. Yesterday I discovered a bunch of links in his history that confirmed my belief that yes, my husband it doing it too. I cannot tell you the pain I am feeling in my heart today, not just that he's looking at it and masturbating to it, but because of the oscar-worthy performance he put on for several hours insisting that it wasn't his when I confronted him. I feel like this is a huge violation of my trust, but I don't know if I truly should feel so hurt and devalued because he likes fantasizing about these other women. It makes me so sad, and I really would just like a mans' perspective on what this means for me, about me.etc. He says he will stop, that he only does it "occasionally". I always thought he was attracted to me, and now i am destroyed. Should I be? I can't understand a man's mind. Please, I'm really struggling. I'm terrified that my marriage is over. I've read so many stories of addiction and I have no clue how deep this really goes. So some guys just occasionally do it?  I hope someone can shed some light...

[nygrl]

Well, thank god I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't feel the need to tolerate this ****. I've read so many justifications for this behavior..."It's just something guys do". Really, even if it makes their wife feel like garbage? They really can't give it up if they know it hurts someone? How sad. Sounds like an addiction to me. If your wife or partner doesn't mind, by all means enjoy your porn. But, it's not always that innocent. We all know that in some people, the stuff that got you off yesterday isn't enough to do it for you tomorrow and the need grows for more hardcore stuff. I don't want my family to get headed down that path. I'm just sick of the entitlement men seem to feel. Whether I can believe it or not...my husband claims it's not worth the hurt he sees in me to continue looking at it. I hope that's true, but who knows? Maybe if we get some other things straightened out in our marriage the desire will fade..because as he told me last night he realized there was an amount of "punishment" against me in knowing that he was doing something I wouldn't like. Porn is a punishment, whether we like it or not..to the people "starring" in it and all the partners who feel they have to tolerate it.

[mayflowers]

I think you and I are in the minority on this. We've both seen first hand the trouble this can cause on a life.    It's not that men won't look at a pretty girl (or women won't look at an attractive guy) it's just that porn is degrading.  I used to think it was ok until I met someone in that business and now I think and feel completely different.  They lure young people into doing those things so that once they have done a film, they are "marked" and will have trouble getting any other type of job.  Think about it, how many women really like getting come all over their face or want to get ****** by 2 guys at the same time?  

If people want to film themselves with their lover or husband having sex, go for it and watch it over and over again.  You're doing it for fun and not money.  

I will not accept this as part of our culture as being "ok".  It's really b/c we live in such a puritanical society that thinks that sex is somehow dirty and so we've created an "out" for this dirtyness. Come on now, would any of your really hang out with a porn star?  Would you invite a porn star to dinner or set them up with a friend? Do you want your daughter or son to marry a porn star?  I doubt it.  You have just objectified a person to the point of being a sex object and not a human being.

[ohbill]

Well i have read the comments and most of them from women and most of them dont want their husbands to look at the porn. they feel that husband dont respect thier relationship. Being a men, i feel that looking at the porn is not that harmfull and does not mean that it will always cross its limit and man start cheating with spouses. man is defined biologically in such a way that his urges are pretty quick and subsides pretty quick. secondly he enjoys change. i feel is the safest way is to surf around internet, release your pentup energy and just become normal. What i mentioned here is to look around porn and not chat or other stuff where one can communicate with other females. i feel if this is being stopped or some sort of preasure on man may tend to move to different options and he may start cheating on you. any preasure on any one child or husband, leads to retaliation and make them move into wrong directions. only way i feel is the conversation and convey your thought to them and let them take a call. Let them think on it and when they realise from the bottom of theirr heart, they will improve certainly.

[dialsoap]

I know a lot of women say your over doing it but I know how you feel. My husband and I have had some of our biggest fights over porn and I've left him over it too. It has to do with your view on trust and loyality. I wouldn't mind so much if it were a playboy or a dvd that I knew about but the internet for some reason hurts me. We have gone to marriage therapy and I can honestly say he doesn't look at porn anymore on the computer and anything brought into the home I know about. It hurts the worst and I think I was so upset over it because he lied in the first place. Men don't HAVE to look at porn and no not all guys do it. For me it's more of a respect issue in the relationship and respect to me as a woman as well. I don't know what would help you but your not alone because most of my close friends and family have all delt with it and pretty much are on the same page. Sometimes a porn addiction can go beyond the computer or a mag and turn into someone cheating. I don't want to put things in your head but if it makes you this uncomfortable and upset it is a problem and you shouldn't just get over it because it's a guy thing. He should respect and at least try to understand where your coming from IF you do the same for him. The more you just let it go with him it will eat at you and you will end up being bitter towards him making more problems in the end.

[BabyHardiman]

Very true.  No one thinks of it that way anymore.  

At our movie store, they do not even hide the porn in a "private" room anymore.  It was too embarassing for those who had to be seen coming OUT of those rooms.  So, now they have the porn on the very top shelves, and all the way around the video store.  

[mayflowers]

When you watch porn, all of you should think about the people in those movies and what they have to put their bodies through.  They are at great risk for STD's & sexual abuse.  I knew someone who did a couple of porn movies and she was one of the saddest women I ever met.   We were friends for a while I and I can't even write down words strong enough to tell you all what happened to her when she "performed" for those movies.  It would sicken each and every one of you.  

Each of you need to ask yourselves if you would want your sons and daughters in those types of movies.  Just ask.  If your daughter came home and said "Hey mom, I just got a job making $1000 and I'm going have sex on film"  would you be happy?

Pornography will eventually desensitized you to sex and feelings for others.  

I would never date/marry someone who watched porn.  It's like a drug.  And I would never date anyone who used drugs either.

[BabyHardiman]

You should not hesitate to "ask for the world" from your husband.  You guys are supposed to be commited to "each other", he should be completely honest with you at all times.  People who having nothing to hide, hide nothing.  A clean conscious is priceless!  There is nothing more satisfying than knowing that your relationship wears no masks.  

It is going to take a LONG time for you to begin to trust him again.

I wish you lots of luck... AND don't feel bad about your body.  You have given this man the greatest gift of all time, LIFE, the life of his kids.  I know many many men who adore their wives because of the gift they have given them.  You deserve to live a happy calm life.  I wish you luck with your future.

[BabyHardiman]

We cannot escape porn.  We will all just have to learn to live with the filth of it.  

A man who HAS to check out porn EVERYDAY has a serious problem.  I lived through it, it is not fun.  Most women who say they are OK with it are lying to themselves.  If they caught their man looking at porn everyday it would become an issue immediatly.  I refuse to say it is "OK" with me.  I do not have any control over what my fiance does, and I never will try to "control" him, but I make it aware to him that it makes me uncomfortable knowing he has it in our home.  We have children in the house, and a baby on the way.

I have a body, the body that he is supposed to be dedicated to.  Opening up the door to porn leads to other problems.  I do not care what others will say, I have SEEN it for myself, and lived through it.  My body was absoluely PERFECT for my ex husband.  I weighed 110 lbs 5 foot 5 inces, and double D's that HE BOUGHT and it STILL was not good enough.  He would stay up ALL hours of the night downloading porn.  It is a DISGUSTING habit.  We spent more money on computer programs because of virus that would attack our computers because of those smut sights.

  

[rebbecca]

i understand how u feel! before i got married my husband watched on also a daily bases. it was his little serect b/c i knew nothing about it. until one nite i got in the shower, after i came downstair and noticed the dvd player was on so i didnt think anything of it and i pushed the input on the remote, thinking we were going to watch a movie together, boy was i shocked. i was pissed and hurt at the same time. i talked to him talked about itand he thought i was being upset for nothing. he told me that he wouldnt have it in the house anymore. the first year of our marriage was alot of fight about porn. in the morning before he would go to work he would leave it on the couch, and he would call me a liar about it. so i finally put my foot down and very movie that i find his or someone elses it went in the trash. and in the past 6 months it has been the computer i have had the internet turn off a couple of times b/c of it and he went on a site in our area looking for women, he said that he was just worrying what they looked like.
but dont get me wrong when i was younger i did look at it a few times, but since i have had my kids i have not. i dont feel comfortable with having it in my home, and my oldest can sniff it out!!! and i get very very upset with porn ever since i was raped. and after having kids of my own it breaks my heart knowing that thoughs women and even girl are someones daughter, it would break my heart if that was my child. and i also think that it is showing women as a piece of meat. well i wish u and ur husband the best!!!!!!!!!

[sugarpea013]

I had to comment on something you said. You said he isn't looking at the "hot looking porn star" but gross people. That was the SAME thing that happened to me. He likes to look at voyeur pics, or amature pics of women and I'm not saying I'm beautiful, but I would like to think I looked better than half the women he was looking at. I confronted him about this and he said that it just adds to the realness. It's more of an unlikelyl fantasy if it's a perfect looking pornstar or whatever, but these ladies were more real.

We have a 14 month old daughter but I had an emergency c-section so i can't relate to any cosmetic problems down yonder.

I do understand your hurt over him being so adimant (sp?) over the fact he wasn't lying. I DEFINATELY would be hurt by that and begin to wonder what else he was lying about. My husband was the same way. He would even through in a " I swear to God" and that REALLY makes me mad. It's SO easy to tell when he was lying. I finally just say, ya know what, you have to live with yourself, I know what really happened.

[nygrl]

I should clarify that after having 10 years of adult life under my belt and knowing more about the porn industry and the effects that it has had on other people's lives, it has just become disgusting to me...maybe it's because I have my own little girl. I really thought he thought that too.

[nygrl]

I really appreciate all the input. Over the past few days after clearing my head a bit I've come to realize that it's not so much the porn that I'm hurting over, but the dishonesty of it all. I can't lie and say it doesn't make me feel less attractive to him. As many of you who've had children know, a vaginal birth can change the way you look and feel and I have been very self-conscious of that since my kids were born. It just hurts to think that maybe it's been a turnoff to him too. I understand a man's natural urge to look at other women, I really do. For me, I always thought our relationship was extremely honest. We rarely hold back anything and to have that person cry and beg me to believe him that "it wasn't his" just is so insulting to me and frightens me. It just makes me wonder what else I've been lied to about.He always made me feel like he thought porn was as revolting as I did...and I have to say...I could understand if he was looking at the "typical" hot looking porn star. These women were gross, which makes me even feel worse. He's very convincing. I'm have no reason to believe he's addicted to porn, but I have no way to know he's not....or that he hasn't ventured past that....because I just don't believe him anymore. All I know is he seems to have been looking at it every time he traveled out of town. I have a friend who's husband started out the same way and just when she thought her marriage was great again, she found out he was cheating on her with a stripper when she was 8 months pregnant. I know you can't compare situations but I can't help wondering.
I guess it boils down to this. He admits he knew I'd be angry but didn't have any idea how much it would hurt my confidence. He has promised to stop (which I dont' believe) and all I ask is that for a while he does. Is that unreasonable? We have an appointment for counseling in a few week just to kind of work through some honesty issues so this doesn't end up ruining our marriage. I also am planning to have a labiaplasty surgery, so that I don't feel self-conscious about my body and am maybe more willing to be open sexually like I used to be. All I ask is that maybe we can work through this and I can come to understand it. I just can't right now. I hope someday I can be at the point where  I am certain of the fact that he is honest and likes me the way I am, and maybe then I can tolerate his urge to look.  Is that fair or am I asking for the world? I really want to fix this. I want to trust him and I really do want him to feel like if he needs something else that he can tell me. Ughhh, sorry to ramble. This has been a big part of my thoughts this week. ( BTW, we used to watch porn together and enjoy it. I am not as uptight as you might think.) All is ask is for some time to enlighten myself and for him to open up to me an be honest. Thanks.

[sugarpea013]

I'm so sorry that you feel hurt the way you do. I have to say though, I am a 24 year old woman who thoroughly enjoys looking at porn. I'd say I look about twice a week, never for more than 30 minutes I'd say. And at first I was a total hypocrit, I hid it from my hubby and was hurt when I found out he was looking! I finally stepped back from the whole thing and realized it was silly. I'm not a man, but as a woman who is interested in porn I don't do it because I am not attracted or interested in my husband, but I do it because it's visually stimulating and "different". If anything, I would say it helps our sex life. In my opinion, it's just not in human nature to be with the same person for life. I'm sure people will disagree with me. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, don't get me wrong. There are MANY couples who have been together for lifetimes, but it is difficult. I'm just saying it kinda mixes things up and takes away that feeling of being completely bound to one person. NOT saying that it's a bad thing, just saying some people don't like the idea of being eternally committed.

Oh what the heck, I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. lol

[Cynnier]

I understand how you feel because I am too in the same situation.  It does feel like he's cheating on you, but it's more than that.  I am not overacting when I say that it's an addiction.  He is the Godly man, but even he has his weakness to the flesh.  He has gone through his local church's 12 step to get over the addiction, but it does come back.  We have had a few heart to heart about this topic and each time we come back to prayer and support.  It hurts each time he watches porn and act on it. The key is support and tell him how it makes you feel and what does it do for him.  He hasn't looked at porn or act on it for almost a year, but each day I still worry that he has slipped.  This addiction is triggered, so it's not predictable.  As a woman, we feel cheated on.  Maybe you can find a support group at your local church to help your husband.  It's not fool proof, but it's a start to recovery.  Good luck!

[chubbers]

Listen my husband looked a tpronm the whole time we were dating its just a guy thing it means nothing. they dont do it bc they ar elosing interest in the gf or wif e they just like looking at boobies and naked girls. guy s ar eimmature and theere minds are idfferent than ours. i am a very differnt type of girl i look at porn also by myself and with my husband. it doesnt mean im not attracted to him its just fun once in a while. losen up come on if he were cheating on u then be upset but this is nothing.

[scot120]

".He always tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful and I'm his best friend. We still have sex regularly "
  I think you are over reacting . He still thinks you are sexy and beautiful . He's not cheating on you . You can discuss how him viewing porn makes you feel . If you are making it interesting for him behind closed doors , he may not have the temptation to fantasize by himself . He may really want to open up to  you , but not sure how you will receive him .
Don't feel self contentious around your husband . If he is in love with you , he doesn't see imperfections , you are the most beautiful woman in the world , to him .

[jml1986]

I must say that I may have a different view then most women, but I am not opposed to my husband checking out porn on the internet. As long as he doesn't lie about it, and thankfully he has never lied about it. My theory has always been that it is a fantasy that will never be fullfilled so if he enjoys looking at it, I say what the heck but if learns something good he better bring to bed with us.

[slow_healer]

Well I'm sure many women will post stories about porn addiction. And I'm not in your shoes with having been married with kids. But I can tell you that my partner of 1.5 years looks at porn. I can accept that men's minds work differently than women's, and have had many guy friends confirm that different/variety is better. One enlighted me very much by saying "it's not bigger breasts or a tight *** or whatever that guys want - it's just something different." So I guess that rather than resist the system, I decided to go along with it and not pester my boyfriend as to why he wants to look at porn. I accept that he needs a private fantasy life, just as I do, and we've agreed that it will be a problem if we both start to *prefer* our alternatives to each other. We also both agree that the desire to look at porn has no reflection on how we feel about each other, or how attractive we find each other. It's a private thing.

I'm not saying you have to adopt my attitude towards this issue, since it's highly individualistic how people feel about porn. But I think if your husband hid it from you, he was probably terrified with your reaction. He obviously didn't want it to create a barrier between you two. Whether he has issues running deeper than just the occassional hankering to look at naughty pictures is something you and he would have to work out together. Good luck.