Pre-Marital counseling??

[pinkbelle]

So the pastor that is marrying my fiance and I is an old family friend.. i have gone to his church since i was a little girl.. i haven't gone in about 5 years but he agreed to marry us.. with one condition that we attend counseling with him every other thursday for 2 months..  im kind of a little afraid.. im honestly not that religious and neither is my fiance.. and i know he is going to ask us how our relationship is with god... and i know that he is gonna grill us on our relationship.. has anyone gone through the premarital counseling... i have no idea what to expect

[iam1butterfly]

Meeting every other Thursday over a 2 month period seems very reasonable... considering that you been an inactive church-goer. And, you're quite right... your pastor wants to gain insights into your relationship. But, the counseling isn't about prying into the "nitty gritty" private and intimate details about your relationship.
Rather, the emphasis will be on your understanding of marital responsibilities along with establishing your level of spiritual awareness... and hearing your thoughts about the role that God will play in your lives.
You don't have to be a "churchy" person to get through this... if you just should speak of your love for each other and your love for God... you'll do just fine.

[Judy246]

I was employed by the Archdioceses of Chicago, St. Alphonsus Parish. Coordinated, Weddings, Baptizms and Funerals. First he should absolutely NOT pry into private, intimate details. The only time you should give out this information to a priest is in a confessional both and that's it. It's private, confidential and he should not see your face unless it's an open confession.  Many people are not religious, yet are spiritual and have a personal relationship with God (with a capital "G").

I recommend that you should never be afraid to talk with a priest, that means you feel guilty of something. Let him know that it's been 5 yrs, since you went to mass last (I didn't go to church in 25 yrs and after confession, I know go to church every sunday and it's a personal thing, everyone is different and I'm  spiritual not religious).

Be very sincere. Tell him the truth. He role is not to judge you. Only God has the authority to judge and may the first one without a sin cast the first stone so to speak.

It's ok, 100's of couples go thru this requirement,so you are not the only one. Let me know if hyou have any questions. Simply, just be yourself, unless you have something to hide.

[Judy246]

sorry, I meant in a confessional booth. If you don't feel as if you have a personal relationship with God, tell him...it's been a while and I just don't practice religion at all at this time (he will get the message). What I have learned from working in a chuch parish is that a priest is a servant of Go and his role is not to judge. I also learn that they are humans, men who also make mistakes like everyone else and they go to confession just like everyone else, so rest easy, they are very kind, friendly and just want to make sure that if you have decided to take the sacred vows, it's for the right reasons and until death do you part... that's all, so go get em!

[mami1323]

I think it's a great idea.  It can help with communication later on down the road.  Relationships change and sometimes it's best to get the skills now so that when faced with a challenge you may already know how to handle it.

[AHP84]

I agree, I think it's a great idea to consider. I have been through pre-marital counseling a few years ago with my ex (at the time, I was trying *really* hard to do the right thing and establish a marriage, but it didn't work out...and thank God...but that's beside the point). Anyway, I am a regular church-goer and attend each Sunday and oftentimes at least one other day a week, and I've been a member of my church for three years. However, when I went through pre-marital counseling 3½-ish years ago with my ex, it was NOT solely focused on our spirituality and church attendence or our relationship with God. It was more focused on defining our personalities (we took personality/character tests) and how to make our personalities as compatable as possible, along with stressing the importance of the vows we were to make, and reviewing our financial status in order to make an effective budget since it's a well-known fact that finances are one of the top causes of marital problems. It also was to emphasize each of our own dreams, goals, and ambitions for our future together in order to make sure we were on the same page, moving in the same direction, and able to negotiate or compromise if we were not.
Very little of the counseling had to do with religious matters or spirituality--but that may just be how my pastor does things. Don't get me wrong, though...it was of importance because it was clear that I have a very deep and devoted faith, whereas my ex was basically withdrawn from any spirituality and reluctant to attend church most weeks. The pastor did ask us about our relationship with God, and how important it was to each of us, just so that we all understood each other. But there was no pressure to "convert and save" or "deepen the faith" or anything like that. It was just straightforward, "How do you feel about your faith, and where do you stand in your faith, just so we all can determine how spirituality will affect the relationship between you two."
And believe me, when faith and spirituality are on opposite ends of the spectrum, it's almost impossible to make the relationship work--mine failed...and that was one of many reasons why. But if you both are basically on the same page, in agreement of how your faith works for you both, things work out much better.
Actually, since finding out about my current pregnancy, I spoke with my pastor about it. As everyone else has stated here, it is not a pastor's job to judge or condemn you. It is their job to be a "shepherd" and guide you in a way that will hopefully benefit your life AND your faith, but not to judge you. My pastor is very supportive of my decision to continue my pregnancy, even though I have no idea if marriage is a part of my future anytime soon. But he did ask to see my b/f personally so he could get to know him better, and my b/f agreed--and his faith and spirituality are not as deep and devoted as what I have, but we do share the same faith and beliefs, which really helps A LOT. My b/f agreed to meet personally with my pastor and I have no idea what the two of them talked about; Brandon hasn't given me any specific details and my pastor is required to keep their meeting confidential.
But I am hoping that in the next few months, we can begin pre-marital counseling together. At least I know this time, it'll be worthwhile and more effective and beneficial to our relationship because my b/f is open to it, whereas my ex never was.
I say go for it...and best wishes to you and your family!

[Judy246]

In the Catholic church it's call Pre-Cana and couples will not be married without attending a seminar on marriage. It's very interesting.

[BearHitch]

He likely will gain insight in your relationship with God but at the same time, premarital can really give YOU and your fiance insight on things that you may not have talked about.  If you are scared because you feel guilty about something you should address that, but I really think premarital is a great idea and I know quite a few couples who could've benefited from that step before the wedding.

[zelkahmiktez]

It's good that you 'll be having pre-marital counselling for you to understand better on what you are going into.

[Lucey12]

I met with my fiances pastor from when he was a kid, We only go to church on Christmas eve and occasionally here and there. So I really was scared to meet with him. (hubby was gone...army stuff) I found him very kind and spiritual. He also mentioned this counseling which I think is  great idea but we moved right after he got home. The pastor still agreed to marry us considering, I would still like this counseling thought. I think It would have been great for the two of us.

[SeriousSam]

I think premarital counseling is great but I would ask what the ministers psych training is?  Otherwise I would go to a therapist who specializes in it and has a longterm successful relationship.

I don't overall have much use for athiests or most ministers, but one trained in actually therapy and not just theology might be useful...   I would definitely stay away from unitarians meetinghouses or "ministers" though.