PreMarital Counsling?

My fiance and I aren't getting married for over a year and I was wondering who thinks premarital counsling is a good idea?  I know a preist can do this but I think that is such a joke since they have never been married and have no idea what it should be like, plus I am not religious. Open fourm, would love any opinions.

[RockRose]

The Catholic Church offers Pre-Cana classes which - for us - were fabulous.    You have to be getting married in the catholic church to participate,  as I understand it,  but I'm sure there must be other programs out there.

It was really great.  I think it was 6 evenings of 3 hours each - one was finances,  one was extended family,  one was goals,  one was fighting fair/problem solving,  etc.  There were about 30 couples when we started and by the end about 10 of them had dropped out and decided not to get married.  The church doesn't tell you whether you're doing "well" in the class or whether you "pass" - you just learn about each other on a deep enough level that many couples realize they aren't a match.

One of the best exercises we did was the holding hands exercise.  You have to hold hands and stay together for this.  The leader announces questions,  and as a couple,  you have to go together as a couple to your answer station.  SO,  the first question was "Your First Christmas".  Would you spend it alone,  with her family or with his?  You had to go TOGETHER to the station that was your answer pick.  I swear,  I think that was the lightbulb moment of the whole seminar.  So many couples were stuck in limbo and couldn't agree on that one.  Another question was do you want no children,  1-2 children,  3-4 children,  or more than 4.  

By the end you really realize the things you will have to decide,  and should have in common.

I think it's a great idea - best wishes finding a program as good as this if you're not Catholic.

[K1990]

He is Catholic but we dont want to be married in a church and I don't want to do it through a church anyway.  I just wonder if I can find something through some where else.  That holding hands exercise sounds really interesting, I bet people are split more than they think.

[sara......]

I say go for it, you've got nothing to loose!

[Mercy808]

Hmm...if your relationship with your man before marriage is rocky, I say that you are on the right path to seeking professional help. Other than that, I believe that you and your fiance can do fine without other people's input or advice.  I guess I've always believed that before seeking others for help, see if you are able to do it yourself. If your fiance is willing to seek professional help with you, then wouldn't he be as willing to work with you on improving your relationship by doing it yourself? For example: Self help books (most of them have great ideas and quizzes that you and your fiance can take.  Also, by reading books like "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus."

But then again...I don't know the whole situation between you and your fiance.

Hope this helped!

[K1990]

I don't think we need it, I just have heard of a lot of people doing it in preperation for marriage.  We are pretty good toegther we just have some issues with his parents.  Do you know any self help books?

[RockRose]

K,  that's a really good idea.  With ALL the wedding information out there - from clothing,  ceremonies,  honeymoons,  showers,  bla bla bla,  it would be great to be able to get a book that was based on PreCana or some similar format that dealt with what is important - the marriage,  not the party.  

[RockRose]

Well,  looky there,  search on Amazon for precana,  and you can buy all the materials.  And cheap,  too!

I may be misremembering,  but I don't remember much religion in my precana session.  It was ALL relationship stuff with the lead couples giving very practical advice that wasn't Christian based,  but experience based.

[K1990]

RockRose, that is a good idea.  I'm sure there would be some kind of material that was similar to that exercise that Mercy said and you determine what things you are split on and what you both agree on.  Thanks Rockrose.

[Mercy808]

I know a lot, but I won't recommend any of them only because for every couple it is different and you and your fiance needs to find a book that will "speak" to you.

Suggestion: Both of you make time to go somewhere like Borders and find one that better suits your relationship. By doing so, you are allowing your fiance to take part in choosing the book instead of you telling him which book was referred to you. A lot more intimate that way, don't you think?

Btw, glad you two are doing great!  And I believe that you are already taking the first steps in "doing it yourself."

Cheers!  ^_^

[BearHitch]

Considering how you often post on the numerous problems that you have with your fiance's family and how they treat you and his relationship with them, I would highly suggest that you do premarital counseling even if that means going into a church.  

[Agiesmom]

What BearHitch said.

[K1990]

BearHitch and Agiesmom~ Church is out of the question, PERIOD, but thanks for the adive.  

Everyone else~  Thank you so much for all of your help and ideas, last night we went and looked at books together and it was fun!  We came home and talked until like 3 in the morning!  Yey, I am so glad everything is going so well right now!

[extrmeski]

I think it is a wonderful idea, and even though the priest has never been married, the recipe for marital success is in the Bible and that is what they go by.  Ther eare some very interesting things that are totally relevant especially in todays world!
One of the things they do teach is how to fight fair.  In marriage you will have arguments and the success of a marriage can as simple as learning how to disagree with civility.
Marriage is simple if you face adversity together you will grow together if you face adversity apart you will grow apart and you will have adversity.

[Mercy808]

All I have to say is that you are doing great so far and so is your soon-to-be-hubby. I also wanted to let you know that although I myself am a Christian, I find it ludicrous that most people seem to get the impression that getting help/advice/counseling from the church/pastor is going to magically transform your relationship. It has to start by you two MAKING that effort together. If he is willing, AWESOME...why not help yourselves, educate yourselves, DEAL with it yourselves instead of seeking professional help elsewhere probably having to pay outta your pocket?  

Let's just put it this way:

Pre-Marital or Marital Counseling is REALLY for those who have serious problems. For example: Abuse - Verbal, physical or mental, one person being driven to want to commit suicide because of lack of attention from her husband or even if there is absolutely no point in trying to communicate with the other person.

Hope all goes well with you.

God bless

[RockRose]

Mercy,  actually pre-marital counseling is a requirement of many churches before they will allow you to be married within that church.  

It's not just for people who shouldn't be getting married,  as in your examples of couples with serious problems.  They ought not be getting married.

[K1990]

I was just wondering if there is anything outside of a church that is like this because we wont get married in a church and I am not comfortable being part of a church.  Don't nget me wrong I believe in god I just don't like being told what to think or how to believe.  I appreciate all the advice, thank you everyone!

[Agiesmom]

That's not what Engaged Encounter is about.  Is God mentioned?  Yes, I'm sure.  Is it a weekend attempting to convert you to the specific religion and get you to join the church?  No.

You aren't afraid that a priest will try to talk you out of marriage (perhaps view you as taking one of their parishioners?) or make one of you have second thoughts, are you?  If you are mature and truly secure in your relationship, you should be able to get value and benefit from the good it offers without being concerned with the few times they may ask you to bow your head at the end of a meeting.

I understand that you are a very strong-willed and determined (and sometimes hard-headed) girl and that can be a good thing, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face--don't throw out the baby with the bath water.  Do some research on it.  There are Catholic Engaged Encounter Weekends, but if you are hell bent on not having anything to do with the Catholic Church, you can go on the weekend through the Methodist church and they don't require you to be a particular religion to attend.  Here's a site that explains their Engaged Encounter Weekend:
http://www.encounter.org/ee.htm
(Read the first two sections at least.  You can search for EE weekends near you if you plan to go.)

I'm not trying to talk you into any program in particular, but I have never heard of a totally secular pre-marriage counseling program--mainly, I believe, because marriage in general is viewed to be a religious union by most people.  Maybe someone else can offer a suggestion if you are still adamantly opposed to considering anything being held by any religion, regardless of the contents of the program and potential benefits.

[K1990]

That isn't at all it.  For me since I don't believe in a certain religion I think that it is stupid that a priest tells you about a marriage when they can't even marry, sounds a little weird to me.  I wouldn't mid premarital counsling at all but it can't be from a church that is all.

[Agiesmom]

A counselor to serial killer doesn't need to be a serial killer to counsel that serial killer, does he?

Regardless, it's not just a priest or minister who "tells you about a marriage"--there are three other couples involved in the weekend who are married and have gone through extensive training in the program (that information is in the link I posted), but you obviously have an aversion to anything with any connection to any religion, so I'll leave it at that and hope you get the answer you are looking for.

All the best to you.

[mslkpage]

Get a phonebook, look up counselors, therapists, etc. The same ones who do family and marital counseling will do premarital counseling.

The counselor that I send my probationers to is a sex offender therapist. She's good at her job, but she's not a *********. Thankfully, that's not a prerequisite.

[mslkpage]

Apparently we can't say p.edophile here. Anyway, she's not one.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I didn't read all of the responses, but I went through the premarital counseling through the Catholic Church once with someone I was going to marry.  Guess what???  We didn't end up married.  And it's not a priest necessarily.  We had our counseling from a Deacon of the church who can be married and have children.  And there is more to it than that.  We had to take a test on a scan tron form much like you take at school.  We then had to go see a liscensed psychologist and talk about the results.  That was like 9 or 10 years ago.  It may even be more intense now.

[K1990]

mslkpage~ I didn't know that family counslers would do premarital counsling, thanks for that advice!

[sara......]

Hi K, Ive just been reading some of your other posts, and I think that due to you and your fiance having had your fair share of problems in the past, AND multiple family issues from both sides - that you should definetely get pre marriage councelling (non religious of course). Good Luck, S.

[Sares]

I just posted you a nice message to your post "torn between two lovers" and then I saw this post :-(

Here it is you can read it now - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/625064

I lost my password which is why I had to change my name.

Sara

[Sares]

I forgot to address my message for you.

By the way I do go to counselling - I have two due to multiple issues - but  thanks for your concern :-(

[Sares]

I have a psycologist and a councellor through the nurses board (I am a nurse) - bith specilise in addiction.

My main issue is turning to substances to treat my mood swings and depression, for example drinking too much and/or abusing prescription medication.

This has been an issue in my life for about 10 years (I am 30 now). It has cost me so much - my wonderful relationship with a great guy, good jobs, I've upset family and friends, money wasted etc. All the usual things addicts do I guess.

So, after lots of relapes this year I am going into long term rehab - to a farm!!

It's a rehab in a rural setting with animals and vegatables you have to look after - I don't know about this - I am a city girl!!
I will so anything to fix this though. I may be there 6  months! Shorter rehabs have not worked for me in the past.

At the farm you have group, one on one, meditation, and they teach relapse prevention etc. You help look after the farm too - it's supposed to be theraputic.

I am going in in 2 weeks, still feels a bit unreal.

Sara