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Pregnant and in a struggling relationship. HELP NEEDED!
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Pregnant and in a struggling relationship. HELP NEEDED!

I just found I was pregnant in July. I was so happy because I loved my boyfriend so much and we've had such a good relationship that when we talked about having a child we knew it would be with each other. But to get to the point, I cannot believe how he is handling my pregnancy. When I suspected to be pregnant, I told him and he was in shock. Which is normal, He cried and he couldn't sleep at all. After I took some home pregnancy tests and made an appointment he still was trying not to be too pushy about an "abortion" but he would try to get me to consider it.
Now It's been a while and my whole family has been nothing but supportive which I guess has made him calm down.
But there's a few things wrong with this still, 1. he still has yet to mention anything to his family 2. I went through his internet history and found that he was still looking up other options besides parenting 3. he has yet to help me figure things out together from the doctor visits to looking up things for the next months.
He has also lied to me, raised his voice, all he does is stress me out and make me feel miserable *which i know i have hormones too which doesnt help.* I just miss him, the real him. I don't regret getting pregnant but at times I wish that I could just  get over him because what I'm going through now is just ridiculous. I would like to enjoy my pregnancy and be calm. I love my finance very much, but I would just like to know how to handle this situation. Does my future look good or is it something that might not work out. I would just like some opinions or if anyone has dealt with this too let me know how you've dealt with it.
Believe me having along talk with him hasn't really worked. Ive done the best that I could so far now I have to worry about my baby.
I really need some help :(
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Avatar_f_tn
In spite of Your talks and plans regarding the future it seems this happened unexpectedly.  Becoming a parent is a big deal, a VERY BIG DEAL.  This is Major - a lifetime change for the rest of Your lives (Children become GrandChildren).  It came suddenly, unplanned, and caught Him off guard and by surprise. I know His reaction is not what You would have hoped for, but give Him a little time - He may just be panicked and a little in shock.  It's been less than 2 months since You've become pregnant.  It's still very soon to digest the enormity of Parenting that was not planned for or expected.  You are right that You have to worry about Your Baby but give Him a little time to get used to this and see what happens.  Hopefully He will calm down and come around BUT if He doesn't I'm glad Your Family is supportive.   Yours and the Baby's well being is the most important so if He doesn't come to terms with this soon - go to Your Family.  You could suggest You and He go to Couple's Counseling and see if that helps Him work through what I am guessing is fear.
I wish You the utmost Good Luck with this.
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Avatar_f_tn
In spite of Your talks and plans regarding the future it seems this happened unexpectedly.  Becoming a parent is a big deal, a VERY BIG DEAL.  This is Major - a lifetime change for the rest of Your lives (Children become GrandChildren).  It came suddenly, unplanned, and caught Him off guard and by surprise. I know His reaction is not what You would have hoped for, but give Him a little time - He may just be panicked and a little in shock.  It's been less than 2 months since You've become pregnant.  It's still very soon to digest the enormity of Parenting that was not planned for or expected.  You are right that You have to worry about Your Baby but give Him a little time to get used to this and see what happens.  Hopefully He will calm down and come around BUT if He doesn't I'm glad Your Family is supportive.   Yours and the Baby's well being is the most important so if He doesn't come to terms with this soon - go to Your Family.  You could suggest You and He go to Couple's Counseling and see if that helps Him work through what I am guessing is fear.
I wish You the utmost Good Luck with this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think you are right. It just seems unfair to atleast me that I became a parent even when I just thought about being pregnant and accepted this. It wasn't really unplanned due to the fact that we werent using protection and he did want to have kids. I think you are right though. Ive started counsling and hopefully he will too. I think we can go together as well as separately. It just seems really hard to even think that he might not want to be apart of his childs life. Its a hard pill to swallow. Thanks for the advice! (:
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Avatar_f_tn
This is a really sad situation because it's the child who will end up suffering. The advice you were given is great. I am a mother and it was the hardest job in the world, and I am married. A child deserves to have both parents in it's life because it did not ask to be born. It is something you and your boyfriend wanted. The child had no choice in the matter. Do you and your boyfriend have your own place, have you finished school, do you have jobs to support the baby? They are so expensive. Check on the prices of diapers, formula and clothes. Are you ready to raise the baby by yourself if your boyfriend bails on you? I really am sorry you're going through this and I am not trying to be hard on you. Just realistic. I do hope everything works out for you.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, hind sight is 20/20.  I'm one to believe that a couple should be completely commited and as adults take the steps necessary to prepare for a baby before they conceive.  Perhaps THAT was what your boyfriend was talking about when he talked about children.  Yes, everyone can make it work but this wasn't the way he wanted to do it.  As a baby brings a tremendous amount of stress to a relationship (yes, a baby is wonderful and also brings mutual love)----  having a child is difficult on a couple.  You have less time for one another, less time for yourself, money gets tight, everyone gets tired, it's just stressful.  It is quite common for partners to get a little disconnected in the first couple of years after having a baby.

I don't say these things to stress you out but it's just reality.  And when a baby is brought into the equation before one of the partners wants it to be, that makes it even harder.  That is what you are experienceing now.  

He may rise to the occasion.  You never know.  Something about seeing your own flesh and blood can do that.  But he is less than thrilled at this point and that is sad as no one wants that to be the case with their first child.  But what can you do?  

I would lower your expectations of his reaction and just try to be excited yourself.  

PS:  my husband really wanted our child, we had a planned pregnancy---  and he only went to one drs. appt. (the ultrasound) and never looked stuff up on line with me.  He was excited but that isn't something all men do.  And I was a career woman and comfortable going to the dr. myself and actually preferred it.  So, his reaction may be due to not being thrilled about the baby or it just might be his personality.

Anyway, the advice above to start planning on how to care for the baby with AND without him is good.  You'll need to think about where the baby will go when you work, how you'll get insurance, where you'll live, etc. with your boyfriend but have a back up plan in case he doesn't stick around.  

I do wish you lots of luck.  I hope it works out that he starts to warm up to the idea and gets on board hat he's gonna be a daddy.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I still think this is going to turn okay.  It can be "different" for Mommy than it is for Daddy.   Mommies are Women, Daddies are Men - we ARE different.  We are more Emotional about this Baby we are growing inside us!! How Wonderous and Exciting that is!!  He's more "Practical" and is thinking about Providing for and being Resposible for this New Life.
and He may even be feeling a little scared.  I know You're feelings are Hurt right now but I feel it's going to be everything You want it to be.
Going to counseling is good, better yet if He joins You.

I have a tender heart for You and how You're feeling right now and I hope You will let us know if this does in fact, turn into what You are hoping for.
Regards,
Tink
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Avatar_f_tn
well see i can see how everyone does all have very good points. I do understand what it takes to raise a child. i come from a childhood where i was raised financially well and by the time i was a preteen my father and mother spilt. leaving my mom to struggle, i realize the expenses, hard work, etc. life isn't a show life teen mom. i know what the job of a mother entails and then there's the lack of my own personal experience that has yet to happen yet. i think over this past week even before i posted my ''question'' i knew that it was my job to move on with or without my babys dad. i do agree though it is sad. i wish that i could be in a different relationship where i knew the dad was ready from jump start but life isn't perfect. but from day one, ive had a job and im putting myself back through school. i also do volunteer work have a great relationship with my life and all those things. im personally excited and i need to be stress free. i more or less know that me and the baby will be fine, no doubt about that. i was asking ways to cope or deal with daddy issues or relationship things. is it hard just like when you lose your virginity and you have that bond? i mean atleast in my case i tend to hold onto people and things that happen. i love my babys dad more than anyone. i guess it's complicated. but basically im not worried about the baby. im more worried about the babies dad.
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