Question for the guys

Many men come to the relationships forum and explain how wonderful their wives or girlfriends are and that they are the most important person in their lives yet they then confess to having cheated or are having an affair--so whats the deal then?If you love your wife or girlfriend so much then what makes you stray--lets be honest now and find out the truth.Why cheat? Please explain.

[Hobby10]

It's hard to b married and hard to b single.  It's hard either way.  U can't depend on someone else to make u happy.  U can b a happy person in a terrible marriage or an unhappy person in a great marriage. It's true.  I think it's easy to b attracted or get a fix from someone wanting u or telling u they love u or making u feel important or special.  Married people tend to get in a rut or switch to auto pilot and days or months can go by with no romance, and after awhile its easy to feel like why be here ?  It doesn't seem to make much difference I might as well just do my thing.  You fight over the same old crap til u just learn to tune it out or get quiet or snap.  Or u internalize the wrongs rather than rewrite them.  Life and relationships are stressful.  People are selfish and everyone deals with stress differently.  

The bottom line is if there is something missing in the marriage or of needs aren't getting met at some point someone may cheat.  Everyone has a different threshold.  Some may leave rather than cheat or some may live in their own isolated mental prisons.

In the end I think it comes down to what u can live with, love and forgiveness.

Just my thoughts.  Hobby

[specialmom]

I don't think you can direct a question to only men and cheating is a universal, male and female issue.  

Let's make sure we do not over generalize.  

[RainLover71]

Ok,thats a fair call SM,lets include the ladies in this one aswell.

[specialmom]

Well, I've never cheated,.  Why don't you start us off rainlover since you have.  

[Life360]

Hi Rain,
You  consider going to a sex worker as cheating? What about the wifes night out at the male strip club and she kisses his penis while putting a dollar in his strap?
How about a bachalor party with a dancing girl and a nipple lick?
If yes, then all have a different reason.

[Londres70]

I am only speculating here because I have never cheated or been cheated on.  I think people cheat because 1. They can't be satified with what they have and the seem to be wanting more and more or wanting better than what they have OR  2. They don't have the courage to end a bad relationship before they seek another OR  3. They have seen this "cheating" pattern in their childhood and repeat what they have seen and what they know OR 4. They are just ruthless people who don't care about anyone but themselves and don't care who they hurt so long as they get what they want.  

Totally speculating here.  

[RainLover71]

I have already expressed my guilt and remorse more than once and ruined a wonderful relationship because of temptation and a moment of lust and I lost so much for so very little which is why I am so passionate about the subject matter.I want people to understand how much they stand to lose,man or woman and there are plenty of people that post on here that might not realize the seriousness of it all until it's to late.If we can help some people understand and not go there isn't that a step in the right direction.I think it is.

[RainLover71]

YES,I think all 3 things you mention are forms of cheating.

[RainLover71]

Good answer or opinion Londres--very honest.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I've been on cheated MANY times for MANY years by my 1st husband.  I have never cheated - so my opinion is strictly one-sided.

All due respect, RainLover - I think cheating comes down to a lack of Character and/or Morals.  The BIGGEST sex organ is the brain - sex does not happen without thought, intent.  I also think most people who cheat don't think they will be found out but that takes thought too.

Having said that RainLover, I do believe You are sincerely sorry !! and remorseful!!  I also agree with You that every scenario Life360 suggested IS cheating.

Any behavior that You would not do if Your Wife/Husband was sitting beside You is the way to go.

[RockRose]

Ooh,  Rainlover,  that's one of my favorite questions - and one of the coolest things sociology majors get to discuss in college.  ;D

Mammal males aren't created to be monogamous.    Mammal males breed with as many females as they can - either by courting the female,  or by beating other males off her by brute strength or stamina.  

Humans fall in love and then out of love in about 3 years - and most men won't cheat during that time.  (Some will,  they're incorrigible cads).  Most won't though.  It's after they've fallen out of love but are still with the same woman that nature takes over and they do what their nature tells them to - mate with other women.

I'm not cynical about relationships - and I don't believe my husband of 27 years has ever cheated on me - and I think a lot of men don't cheat.

But humans aren't like birds who are created to be monogamous.  Monogamous birds ARE monogamous,  and it's no effort whatsoever for them.  It's their nature,  their preference.

Interesting question  really.  

[RainLover71]

Top response Tink.I really respect intelligent women.

[RainLover71]

Ditto to you to RR,intelligence is bliss--what a great response.I love honest and sincere responses.

[RainLover71]

Oh and I should add that there are plenty of people--mostly men--who post on the HIV forum after they have cheated aswell.

[TTinKKerBBell]

We have Superior, Sophisticated Brains. We act on Instinct but we ALSO have the Ability to Think, to Decide, to make Choices, etc.  If one wants multiple Partners then One should not make Promises and take Vows with any ONE Person.  Monogamy is a Choice.  Once having made that Choice, f either Spouse falls out of love then that Person should be Honorable and leave the Marriage FIRST.  It takes Thought and Intent to cheat - Our Superior Brain gives us the Ability to Choose to make or break a Promise or Vow.

[Londres70]

Agree with Tink.  

Not sure where RR is getting her facts from or if this is her theory (sounds like her theory), however, it was entertaining to read.....LOL.   Don't recall seeing this or learning this in my Sociology class and trust me I have taken ALOT of them over the years.

If you live in a CIVILIZED society then you should act accordingly.  

If you walk around letting your "body parts", i.e. your "johnson," make decisions about how you should act then maybe you should be living in an UNCIVILIZED society or living in the jungle with monkeys and apes. Then you can act on EVERY instinct you had without the consequences.  

[brice1967]

I'll take a poke at this but am sure somehow it will blow up in my face.....

This may sound complicated, and indeed it is.  But the simple fact of the matter is I did cheat and I've never been more sorry for anything in my life.  I don't know if there is anything in the world that I could ever by more sorry for.

I was in a bad space on more than one level.  I allowed my marriage to take a back seat to my life.  I put my marriage on cruise control, all the while my wife was fighting for her marriage. She was fighting for the love that she knew we once had. For years, she would check in with me..."Are things all right?"  They weren't, but I'd lie.  

I wanted us to be all right, but I was too much of a stubborn fool to get help when I need help.  All the while, parts of the marriage eroded.  I lost the passion, I guess... simply lost the passion.  I loved my wife, loved my family and I didn't want to part with any of it... but on another level, because I would not allow myself to see and feel the love being offered, I hunted for more.

The wife and I are doing real well these days.  This woman proves time and time again how strong she is, and that is one of her many traits that attracted me in the first place.  After what I've done, I spent a lot of time in therapy putting away the things that haunted me for decades.  I've completely changed how I look at my life and I am so very thankful for every day I can spend with my lovely wife.  She is my world and I have that focus back... I will never lose it again.  Everything I've ever needed was under my own roof, but I was just dumb enough to not be able to find it.

[RainLover71]

I did the exact same thing Brice and I feel exactly the same way you do.I took my beautiful wife for granted and ended up losing everything.

[RainLover71]

I made some stupid comments on a journal just recently about cheating and I put my foot in my mouth--those ladies have committed husbands and loving relationships--good luck to them.

[Lucky0317]

Couldn't it be as simple as lack of self-control?? And maybe being too scared to face the problems in the relationship, so by having an affair/cheating it's a way to disrupt or shake up the relationship with out actually having to suck up the courage to talk? Why dress it up or get analytical about it. Not to make it too simple either but it's a harder, crueler, more life alternatering version of eating too much, drinking too much etc. when you know you're going to suffer for it later with a stomache ache or hangover?  A person knows they shouldn't but they do it anyway, usually to bury their feeling about something else altogether, but still, no one else is controlling their actions.

[RainLover71]

Thats very true--I agree.

[Hobby10]

Lust.  Passion.  Lack of needs getting met.  Craving something taboo or forbidden.  Desire for the other side of the fence.  It is what it is.  If u want reasons there ya go Rain.  ;)

[RainLover71]

Thanks Hobs--you have provided many reasons and although sad,it's true.

[RainLover71]

Why did Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?They had the perfect marriage.He had everything to lose and nothing to gain.At the time he was the most powerful man in the world.

[RainLover71]

It takes a lifetime to be faithful forever but only minutes to cheat.

[icanhelp6769]

Well let me put it like this, some people should never get married, but i will tell you this when i was single i never stayed true to one girl, for me it was something i was missing in the relationship, and i think thats what most of it comes down too. When i got married it changed for me, i was able to talk about things i wanted and what she wanted, i believe in my heart that its something where partners dont talk and then you have creepin instead of communicating. Women chat because not about the sex but what is said, its romance and things the husband has loss in the marriage guys tend to get relax and women (Thats theirs nothing wrong with it) but women need to be told theyre sexy, their the light of the husband life, every once in awile a woman needs to be pampered. men are dogs(not all) but the bottom line is men are selfish we always want more. At some point women have to be number one, if not guys look close because your women might be creepin.

[RainLover71]

Good point--some people should never get married.

[Hobby10]

It's hard to b married and hard to b single.  It's hard either way.  U can't depend on someone else to make u happy.  U can b a happy person in a terrible marriage or an unhappy person in a great marriage. It's true.  I think it's easy to b attracted or get a fix from someone wanting u or telling u they love u or making u feel important or special.  Married people tend to get in a rut or switch to auto pilot and days or months can go by with no romance, and after awhile its easy to feel like why be here ?  It doesn't seem to make much difference I might as well just do my thing.  You fight over the same old crap til u just learn to tune it out or get quiet or snap.  Or u internalize the wrongs rather than rewrite them.  Life and relationships are stressful.  People are selfish and everyone deals with stress differently.  

The bottom line is if there is something missing in the marriage or of needs aren't getting met at some point someone may cheat.  Everyone has a different threshold.  Some may leave rather than cheat or some may live in their own isolated mental prisons.

In the end I think it comes down to what u can live with, love and forgiveness.

Just my thoughts.  Hobby

[RainLover71]

Excellent Hobby--I think you nailed it and have provided the perfect opinion.

[specialmom]

I contend that some don't feel they have to play by the rules and that they cheat when it has absolutley nothing to do with the other person.  More about their own inadequacies and need for attention.   Often it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship or their partner but more to do with their own emptiness and shallow state of character.  

[RainLover71]

Sorry SM but I disagree with part of your comment--not all people that cheat are shallow or have inadequacies.

[specialmom]

I was giving one of the reasons that people cheat.  And actually, most readily admit that they have some type of deficit within themselves that allowed them to cheat.  

The bottom line is that it is impossible to say exactly why 'everyone' cheats.
All people are individuals.  Some cheat when it is nothing more than an opportunity presenting themselves and they for whatever reason are lacking control at that moment and go with it.  Others cheat due to long standing issues within their relationship.  Some are just morally bankrupt and feel it is their right to do as they please sexually with whomever.  Some have an intense desire for attention of the novel variety and no matter how much their partner gives them, it doesn't feel new so they seek that high of new romance/sex.  

And again, cheating is a choice and often very well is due to some type of internal issue that someone has.  And it is generally considered a negative to someone's moral character and makes them less trustworthy.  That isn't to take a stab at anyone who has cheated but is the reality of the aftermath.  Many work to overcome this internal deficit that created the cheating situation and go on to be faithful partners.  

[RainLover71]

I Totally agree with your last comment.Thankyou for the input.

[Hobby10]

I think another point to mention is the person who was cheated on is usually not blameless.  For example if they are work 60 hours a week and don't make their spouse high on the priority list they should take some responsibility for the situation.  Some times cheating is a wake up call to both parties that they both have lost sight of what's important.  It's like throwing a rock on a lake there is a ripple effect that keeps going for awhile.  It takes two to sail and two to sink.  Just my thoughts.  Hobby

[specialmom]

Well, as there are situations in which people cheat that are due to issues within their relationship, the person cheated on has contributed to those issues but that is different than being to blame for someone taking the step of cheating.  the right thing for someone who is in a bad relationship to do is to leave it and then have sex with another or to work on the problems.  

And usually is a huge stretch.  Problems within a relationship are but one reason someone might cheat.  And honestly, in pretty much 95% or more of cheating situations I'd describe the person cheated on as a victim of the bad choices their partner made.  Especially when their is a vow such as marriage.  

Someone who has been cheated on could become very offended to insinuate that they area to blame for their partners lack of self control or acting out.  We are responsible for handling issues within a relationship in a way that brings progress rather than hurt or why be in a relationship at all.  

[nursegirl6572]

Someone who has been cheated on could become very offended to insinuate that they area to blame for their partners lack of self control or acting out.  We are responsible for handling issues within a relationship in a way that brings progress rather than hurt or why be in a relationship at all.  

Exactly.

That's like blaming a victim of abuse, saying it's his/her fault their spouse hit them.  We're talking choices and behaviors.  If someone is in a bad marriage...then either try to fix it, or leave it, THEN have sex with someone else...cheating is obviously not the answer....and to use a bad relationship, or a partner's faults as an excuse is not taking ownership of the poor choices one has decided to make.

[Hobby10]

In a perfect work nobody would cheat and everybody would stay in love til the spouse died.  However it's not realistic.  Domestic violence is a different issue.  Of course it's not the victims fault he's hitting her!!!  
I'm not saying its correct to cheat.  I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated.  I'm saying that the act of cheating doesn't nessarily define an individual as bad or good, but human.  And the spouse who never cheats is not nessarily a saint.  You can never cheat and your spouse may be miserable because you are still an insensitive ***.  
I guess I don't like generalizations or stereotypes and passing judgement on someone else's relationship is not a good thing to do.
Again just my thoughts.  I live in the real world and not the land of idealistic fluff.  
Everyone has the right to their opinion.  Thank god.  All the best to everybody.  Peace and love hobby

[Hobby10]

Perfect world.  Typo

[specialmom]

I certainly agree that the partner cheated on may not be a saint.  Really, I don't know any saints.  And the problems may be both people's fault in the relationship for sure.  However, cheating takes it to a whole new level and everyone has to have individual accountability for their own actions.  

I've never really thought of being faithful in my relationship as fluff but yes, we are all certainly entitled to our own opinions.  And I too say all the best to everyone.    

[nursegirl6572]

Domestic violence is a different issue.  Of course it's not the victims fault he's hitting her!!!  


Yes, it's a different issue, but same mentality...blame the victim kind of thing.

" I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated."
NOT what you said initially:
"I think another point to mention is the person who was cheated on is usually not blameless." (that indicates some level of blame for cheating)

The partner certainly may shoulder part of the blame for the state of the relationship, but not for any cheating.

Even if a partner is the worst partner in the history of man...it's still not right to cheat...and it's not an excuse to cheat.  Like sm said...there are better ways to deal with relationships like that.  There are always choices.

I don't live in a world of idealistic fluff either...and yes, I know that people cheat, and that people aren't perfect.  What *I* am getting at, is the seeming lack of personal responsibility in an infidelity situation.

If someone cheated, of course there's always going to be some kind of reason...SM gave a BUNCH of applicable ones....but there's also accountability.  To give your "reason" as an excuse isn't owning your actions.  It's saying...."well...I cheated because....XYZ", in hopes to minimalize or justify it, for whatever reason, tpo make yourself feel better...to save your reputation...for guilt purposes, etc.

I'd much rather hear someone say..."regardless of the reason, everyone must take ownership of the choices they make, and I made the wrong one.  I take FULL responsibility".

Plenty of people find themselves in similar, if not near identical situations, not all decide to cheat.

Just my 2.5 cents.

[Hobby10]

I respect others opinions and sometimes it's best to agree to disagree.  The only perfect man was maybe Jesus Christ.  We all need to strive to come off judgemental or self righteous.  The original question was why cheat.  I think I've answered it to the best of my ability.  Best wishes to everyone take care of yourself and each other.  Peace and lov hobby

[Hobby10]

Not come off.  Typo