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Question for the guys
Many men come to the relationships forum and explain how wonderful their wives or girlfriends are and that they are the most important person in their lives yet they then confess to having cheated or are having an affair--so whats the deal then?If you love your wife or girlfriend so much then what makes you stray--lets be honest now and find out the truth.Why cheat? Please explain.
I respect others opinions and sometimes it's best to agree to disagree. The only perfect man was maybe Jesus Christ. We all need to strive to come off judgemental or self righteous. The original question was why cheat. I think I've answered it to the best of my ability. Best wishes to everyone take care of yourself and each other. Peace and lov hobby
Domestic violence is a different issue. Of course it's not the victims fault he's hitting her!!!
Yes, it's a different issue, but same mentality...blame the victim kind of thing.
" I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated."
NOT what you said initially:
"I think another point to mention is the person who was cheated on is usually not blameless." (that indicates some level of blame for cheating)
The partner certainly may shoulder part of the blame for the state of the relationship, but not for any cheating.
Even if a partner is the worst partner in the history of man...it's still not right to cheat...and it's not an excuse to cheat. Like sm said...there are better ways to deal with relationships like that. There are always choices.
I don't live in a world of idealistic fluff either...and yes, I know that people cheat, and that people aren't perfect. What *I* am getting at, is the seeming lack of personal responsibility in an infidelity situation.
If someone cheated, of course there's always going to be some kind of reason...SM gave a BUNCH of applicable ones....but there's also accountability. To give your "reason" as an excuse isn't owning your actions. It's saying...."well...I cheated because....XYZ", in hopes to minimalize or justify it, for whatever reason, tpo make yourself feel better...to save your reputation...for guilt purposes, etc.
I'd much rather hear someone say..."regardless of the reason, everyone must take ownership of the choices they make, and I made the wrong one. I take FULL responsibility".
Plenty of people find themselves in similar, if not near identical situations, not all decide to cheat.
Just my 2.5 cents.
Yes, it's a different issue, but same mentality...blame the victim kind of thing.
" I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated."
NOT what you said initially:
"I think another point to mention is the person who was cheated on is usually not blameless." (that indicates some level of blame for cheating)
The partner certainly may shoulder part of the blame for the state of the relationship, but not for any cheating.
Even if a partner is the worst partner in the history of man...it's still not right to cheat...and it's not an excuse to cheat. Like sm said...there are better ways to deal with relationships like that. There are always choices.
I don't live in a world of idealistic fluff either...and yes, I know that people cheat, and that people aren't perfect. What *I* am getting at, is the seeming lack of personal responsibility in an infidelity situation.
If someone cheated, of course there's always going to be some kind of reason...SM gave a BUNCH of applicable ones....but there's also accountability. To give your "reason" as an excuse isn't owning your actions. It's saying...."well...I cheated because....XYZ", in hopes to minimalize or justify it, for whatever reason, tpo make yourself feel better...to save your reputation...for guilt purposes, etc.
I'd much rather hear someone say..."regardless of the reason, everyone must take ownership of the choices they make, and I made the wrong one. I take FULL responsibility".
Plenty of people find themselves in similar, if not near identical situations, not all decide to cheat.
Just my 2.5 cents.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I certainly agree that the partner cheated on may not be a saint. Really, I don't know any saints. And the problems may be both people's fault in the relationship for sure. However, cheating takes it to a whole new level and everyone has to have individual accountability for their own actions.
I've never really thought of being faithful in my relationship as fluff but yes, we are all certainly entitled to our own opinions. And I too say all the best to everyone.
I've never really thought of being faithful in my relationship as fluff but yes, we are all certainly entitled to our own opinions. And I too say all the best to everyone.
In a perfect work nobody would cheat and everybody would stay in love til the spouse died. However it's not realistic. Domestic violence is a different issue. Of course it's not the victims fault he's hitting her!!!
I'm not saying its correct to cheat. I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated. I'm saying that the act of cheating doesn't nessarily define an individual as bad or good, but human. And the spouse who never cheats is not nessarily a saint. You can never cheat and your spouse may be miserable because you are still an insensitive ***.
I guess I don't like generalizations or stereotypes and passing judgement on someone else's relationship is not a good thing to do.
Again just my thoughts. I live in the real world and not the land of idealistic fluff.
Everyone has the right to their opinion. Thank god. All the best to everybody. Peace and love hobby
I'm not saying its correct to cheat. I'm not even necessarily saying its the spouses fault he or she cheated. I'm saying that the act of cheating doesn't nessarily define an individual as bad or good, but human. And the spouse who never cheats is not nessarily a saint. You can never cheat and your spouse may be miserable because you are still an insensitive ***.
I guess I don't like generalizations or stereotypes and passing judgement on someone else's relationship is not a good thing to do.
Again just my thoughts. I live in the real world and not the land of idealistic fluff.
Everyone has the right to their opinion. Thank god. All the best to everybody. Peace and love hobby
Someone who has been cheated on could become very offended to insinuate that they area to blame for their partners lack of self control or acting out. We are responsible for handling issues within a relationship in a way that brings progress rather than hurt or why be in a relationship at all.
Exactly.
That's like blaming a victim of abuse, saying it's his/her fault their spouse hit them. We're talking choices and behaviors. If someone is in a bad marriage...then either try to fix it, or leave it, THEN have sex with someone else...cheating is obviously not the answer....and to use a bad relationship, or a partner's faults as an excuse is not taking ownership of the poor choices one has decided to make.
Exactly.
That's like blaming a victim of abuse, saying it's his/her fault their spouse hit them. We're talking choices and behaviors. If someone is in a bad marriage...then either try to fix it, or leave it, THEN have sex with someone else...cheating is obviously not the answer....and to use a bad relationship, or a partner's faults as an excuse is not taking ownership of the poor choices one has decided to make.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, as there are situations in which people cheat that are due to issues within their relationship, the person cheated on has contributed to those issues but that is different than being to blame for someone taking the step of cheating. the right thing for someone who is in a bad relationship to do is to leave it and then have sex with another or to work on the problems.
And usually is a huge stretch. Problems within a relationship are but one reason someone might cheat. And honestly, in pretty much 95% or more of cheating situations I'd describe the person cheated on as a victim of the bad choices their partner made. Especially when their is a vow such as marriage.
Someone who has been cheated on could become very offended to insinuate that they area to blame for their partners lack of self control or acting out. We are responsible for handling issues within a relationship in a way that brings progress rather than hurt or why be in a relationship at all.
And usually is a huge stretch. Problems within a relationship are but one reason someone might cheat. And honestly, in pretty much 95% or more of cheating situations I'd describe the person cheated on as a victim of the bad choices their partner made. Especially when their is a vow such as marriage.
Someone who has been cheated on could become very offended to insinuate that they area to blame for their partners lack of self control or acting out. We are responsible for handling issues within a relationship in a way that brings progress rather than hurt or why be in a relationship at all.
I think another point to mention is the person who was cheated on is usually not blameless. For example if they are work 60 hours a week and don't make their spouse high on the priority list they should take some responsibility for the situation. Some times cheating is a wake up call to both parties that they both have lost sight of what's important. It's like throwing a rock on a lake there is a ripple effect that keeps going for awhile. It takes two to sail and two to sink. Just my thoughts. Hobby
COMMUNITY LEADER
I was giving one of the reasons that people cheat. And actually, most readily admit that they have some type of deficit within themselves that allowed them to cheat.
The bottom line is that it is impossible to say exactly why 'everyone' cheats.
All people are individuals. Some cheat when it is nothing more than an opportunity presenting themselves and they for whatever reason are lacking control at that moment and go with it. Others cheat due to long standing issues within their relationship. Some are just morally bankrupt and feel it is their right to do as they please sexually with whomever. Some have an intense desire for attention of the novel variety and no matter how much their partner gives them, it doesn't feel new so they seek that high of new romance/sex.
And again, cheating is a choice and often very well is due to some type of internal issue that someone has. And it is generally considered a negative to someone's moral character and makes them less trustworthy. That isn't to take a stab at anyone who has cheated but is the reality of the aftermath. Many work to overcome this internal deficit that created the cheating situation and go on to be faithful partners.
The bottom line is that it is impossible to say exactly why 'everyone' cheats.
All people are individuals. Some cheat when it is nothing more than an opportunity presenting themselves and they for whatever reason are lacking control at that moment and go with it. Others cheat due to long standing issues within their relationship. Some are just morally bankrupt and feel it is their right to do as they please sexually with whomever. Some have an intense desire for attention of the novel variety and no matter how much their partner gives them, it doesn't feel new so they seek that high of new romance/sex.
And again, cheating is a choice and often very well is due to some type of internal issue that someone has. And it is generally considered a negative to someone's moral character and makes them less trustworthy. That isn't to take a stab at anyone who has cheated but is the reality of the aftermath. Many work to overcome this internal deficit that created the cheating situation and go on to be faithful partners.
Sorry SM but I disagree with part of your comment--not all people that cheat are shallow or have inadequacies.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I contend that some don't feel they have to play by the rules and that they cheat when it has absolutley nothing to do with the other person. More about their own inadequacies and need for attention. Often it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship or their partner but more to do with their own emptiness and shallow state of character.
Well let me put it like this, some people should never get married, but i will tell you this when i was single i never stayed true to one girl, for me it was something i was missing in the relationship, and i think thats what most of it comes down too. When i got married it changed for me, i was able to talk about things i wanted and what she wanted, i believe in my heart that its something where partners dont talk and then you have creepin instead of communicating. Women chat because not about the sex but what is said, its romance and things the husband has loss in the marriage guys tend to get relax and women (Thats theirs nothing wrong with it) but women need to be told theyre sexy, their the light of the husband life, every once in awile a woman needs to be pampered. men are dogs(not all) but the bottom line is men are selfish we always want more. At some point women have to be number one, if not guys look close because your women might be creepin.
Why did Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?They had the perfect marriage.He had everything to lose and nothing to gain.At the time he was the most powerful man in the world.
Lust. Passion. Lack of needs getting met. Craving something taboo or forbidden. Desire for the other side of the fence. It is what it is. If u want reasons there ya go Rain. ;)
Couldn't it be as simple as lack of self-control?? And maybe being too scared to face the problems in the relationship, so by having an affair/cheating it's a way to disrupt or shake up the relationship with out actually having to suck up the courage to talk? Why dress it up or get analytical about it. Not to make it too simple either but it's a harder, crueler, more life alternatering version of eating too much, drinking too much etc. when you know you're going to suffer for it later with a stomache ache or hangover? A person knows they shouldn't but they do it anyway, usually to bury their feeling about something else altogether, but still, no one else is controlling their actions.
I made some stupid comments on a journal just recently about cheating and I put my foot in my mouth--those ladies have committed husbands and loving relationships--good luck to them.
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The bottom line is if there is something missing in the marriage or of needs aren't getting met at some point someone may cheat. Everyone has a different threshold. Some may leave rather than cheat or some may live in their own isolated mental prisons.
In the end I think it comes down to what u can live with, love and forgiveness.
Just my thoughts. Hobby