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Question??

I want to know, is there a way to find out about how my parents feel about my boyfriend without directly asking them? I've been with my boyfriend for a while and we are serious. We've talked about getting married and all of that. I think my parents are ok with my boyfriend, but I'm not really sure. It's just something we haven't talked about. I feel like the way my mother reacts to my boyfriend vs how she acted toward my brother's recent ex is totally different. It may just be in my head, but I don't know. My mom really liked my brother's now recent ex girlfriend. I used to joke that she liked her more than me. I don't know if there is a way to find out her feelings indirectly or do I just have to flat out ask her?
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134578_tn?1404951303
It might be a gender thing.  My father-in-law was always an angel to my brothers-in-law and even the boyfriends of his daughters, while treating me really rudely though I was married to his son.  Turns out, he just liked men better than women.  Maybe if your mom is not as openly enthused about your sweetheart as about your brother's sweetheart it's because he's a guy and she's a gal.
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Avatar_f_tn
i would just flat out ask her
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285927_tn?1380802356
Speaking as a parent, if your parents have not voiced dislike for him, then they think he is ok. How ok is your question so ask. Once you ask for their opinion and make it clear that you want their honesty, they will freely give it.
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Avatar_f_tn
It might be a gender thing, I really don't know. I'm not sure about them liking him. I know they did not like my ex, but they never said anything about him to me, so it's hard to know what they think. I am thinking about asking them, at least my mom, but don't know how to bring up the topic. Is there a good way to bring it up? I don't want to be too blatant and just flat out be like hey mom, what do you think of my boyfriend?
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285927_tn?1380802356
Yep, just like that pretty much! LOL, Nothing wrong with asking outright. Just make sure you are able to accept the truth one way or the other.
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Avatar_f_tn
I just feel kind of weird being that straight forward and also being that I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and am now asking what she thinks of him.. it feels kind of weird. Though I do want to know. I feel like they don't really take my relationship seriously. :/  
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Avatar_f_tn
Do you think this is a good way to start off... "hey mom, so I was wondering how long did you date before you got married? " then ask about what she thinks of my boyfriend after.. I just don't want to jump into the question and also want her to know I'm serious with my boyfriend. We've talked about getting married, though she doesn't know that, yet.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Honestly, I'd tell her how you feel about "him" and then tell her you are considering marriage------ it's that serious.  Then you have two choices.  You can say "do you like him" or "do you think he'd be a good match for me"?  Your second choice is to tell her how you feel about him and that you are talking marriage---------  and let it rest.  She's a mom, right?  If she has objections--------- within about a weeks time you are going to hear if she has an objection to him.  Most moms won't sit by if they think their child is making a mistake.  

But I'm concerned about your insecurity with him.  This isn't the first time you've written about it.  It goes from your family to your friends and is recurrent.  Also that you are afraid to talk about your feelings with your mother about your boyfriend and to hear hers.  That isn't probably the normal reaction.  You are afraid that they don't like him.  If they don't, does it change what you are going to do?  Probably not.  Anyway, I just wanted to comment on this insecurity because I think that unless you figure that out it will haunt your relationship.  good luck
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285927_tn?1380802356
How about saying something like, Mom, So what do you think about so and so? Grin! Do you and Daddy like him? Grin  Then wait for her response, once given, just kind of say, well I was just wonderin cause Im finding myself really likin him alot and just wonderin how you felt about him. Mom will take it from there.


And you need to remember that parents know things, and if you do not get the answer you want, give the relationship some serious thought and listen to what they say to you. But chances are, they have not voiced dislike for him, then they like him. We parents have ways of scaring off unwantables for our little girls! We want only the best for them, even tho they do not always take our advice.
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Avatar_f_tn
I can't remember if my mom ever said anything to my brother about his ex(not the recent one) because everyone knew that she didn't like her. Though I can't remember if she said anything to my brother. I do hear these sly comments from my mom talking to my cousin about how she has made a good decision to marry a man younger than her(he is 2 years younger than my cousin). I just don't feel like my family and a number of friends have accepted my boyfriend based on his age. I know my friend will not have him over with me and will not hang out with me if he is there. That hurts me. She changed the Christmas party date to one where I can't make it because I had asked her if I can bring him along. :/ She doesn't even know him and will not give him a chance. I feel like he is everything I wanted. I know he will always be there for me and is super supportive. He took off work part-time this morning to come with me to my grandpa's funeral. He is patient and would never raise his voice at me. He doesn't smoke, rarely drinks. He takes care of himself, but doesn't put too much emphasis on looks. He really is just an old-fashion gentleman. But people get stuck on his age and can't seem to get passed it. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him and wish others would just see that... I'll try to talk to my mom tomorrow and see what she says.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm going to say something sweatpea that you may not like.  Please know that I have the best intentions here.  I just want to say that I sincerely doubt that the reason why your friend and others have an issue with your boyfriend is only his age.  I say that because I've had friends with much older boyfriends and now have friends of my husband's with much younger girlfriends or wives.  In this day and age, it is not the least bit uncommon.  Out of my husband's friends that we currently do a lot with----- there is only one other wife that is the age of my husband and friends like I am.  They are all younger.  

Perhaps your boyfriend is quiet.  Perhaps he has a personality that doesn't "hang" very well with others.  Is he the kind who would rather only be with you?  

I've had a lot of friends in my day and when you care about someone you want them to be happy.  So if they are not happy for you I think there is more to it than just age.  I really believe that.  And I don't think you have to care about that--------- this is your life and you are choosing your own partner to be with.  That is your perogative and if you enjoy this man and love him-------- he's a keeper.  But I want you to also really think about what is going on beyond just that he is older.  In knowing what that is----- you'll be in a better position to deal with other people and him as well as be able to look at what a marriage would really look like with him and be like in terms of your future social life as a couple.  

I don't tell you this to deter you from your relationship.  I just think there must be more to it than what you are choosing to see right now.  Please don't be mad at me for saying that.  But you are afraid to really hear how others think of the man you are thinking of marrying.  That hurts your heart I am sure.  

Question.  You are looking for an answer from your mom as to whether she likes your boyfriend.  What if she doesn't?  Do you really want to know that?  Would it make a difference or just make things awkward?  
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Avatar_f_tn
My boyfriend is more outgoing than myself. I met him in a college club and everyone there thinks very highly of him. He is sociable and gets along with just about everyone. He likes to hang out with me and others, though we like our alone time too, as does any couple. My friends can be immature and close minded at times, which drives me crazy. I know a "friend" right now who is unhappy in her own relationship and now tries to bash my relationship because of it. It's all very frustrating.

I only want to know the truth. I would rather know the information of how my mom feels, than for me to go on dating my boyfriend and have her secretly hating my relationship. It won't change my decision to be with him, but might make it a little awkward. I would like to know as to why she doesn't like him, if she feels that way. She obviously doesn't know him as well as I do, so I can talk to her about it. I only want to know what she is thinking.

I'm not naive or stupid in my relationship. I've thought long and hard about being with a man this much older than me and his specific situation he is in. He comes from a poorer family than my own, but he has the best work ethic of anyone I know. He works hard and is a go-getter. He never gives up on what he wants. He is graduating this year and I am so very proud of him. He is also very patient and kind to everyone. I don't know of anyone who really knows him to think bad of him. It's my own "friends" who don't know him, that seem to not like him. It's very annoying to me that they won't give him a chance. They hear his age, and then hear nothing else beyond that. I wish I had never disclosed his age to anyone and just had them meet, then maybe things would have gone differently. But in the beginning, I was so excited being with him, that I just old my friends a lot about him.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Sweetpea,  how much older is he than you?  I don't see that anywhere here - if you're about to enter Med School and he's graduating from college it doesn't seem like he's that much older than you.

Since you've been dating him a year,  why don't your friends know him?  I would think by this time your best friends would know him quite well.

The old rule of thumb is,  if none of your friends like your boyfriend there's something not to like about him.  

Best wishes.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 31. He has gone back to school part-time to get his degree while working full-time. So a nice 10 year difference.

My friends from college know him and like him. Though friends I have from high school or before don't like him, and some have not even met him even once. Others have only met him once or twice and not really talked to him. It bothers me that they won't give him a chance based on his age alone. A friend I've had since jr high recently switched the day of a party she is hosting to a day she knows I can't make, all because I had asked her if I can bring along my boyfriend. :/
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1035252_tn?1371343440
10 years isn't really a big gap, especially once you're well into or graduated from college.

I have to wonder here like RockRose and specialmom...what else is there about him?

If it were one friend, or two friends, or a friend in a bad relationship ONLY...but it's all of your friends or most of them...AND your parents?

Love can blind us..it's time to take a step back and ask yourself....ignore his age, why ELSE don't they like him? and then decide if you can live with whatever you discover. if you can, great! if you start to realize that there's something you've missed, it may be time to re-evaluate.

Or....just stop caring what other people think. live your life and ignore the opinions of others around you. just keep in mind that very often our loved ones know better than we do because we are blinded by a situation by being too closely tied to it. I'm not saying you have to leave this guy..he may be GREAT husband material. but there is SOMEthing about him that the people in your life don't like, and I'm willing to bet a significant amount of fake money that even though they might say it is, it has NOTHING to do with his age.

good luck...time to do some soul-searching, in my opinion.
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Avatar_f_tn
My boyfriend is a first generation immigrant from Mexico and comes from a poorer family than mine. He struggled to learn the language, but is now fluent in Spanish and English. He is also a hard worker, so I don't see him having a tough background as a problem. I'm not sure if my parents like him or not, so I wouldn't group him with my friends who don't like him. I know my dad almost had a heart attack when I told him about my boyfriend, because he thought my ex who was 3 years older was too much. Though I did think they got over it and do like him, but I can't be sure on that. My boyfriend has been back in school part-time to get his bachelors degree to help him move up at his work. He does struggle in some of the classes because of the language barrier and it being overall difficult information to learn. I have worked with him on his writing skills in English, and he's been helping me with public speaking. I can't think of any other reason as to why someone would have a problem with him. I've asked my friend before why she doesn't like him, but she swears up and down that she doesn't know him so she can't say one way or the other if she likes him or not. Her actions do say otherwise though. :/
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285927_tn?1380802356
Oh okay! You are 21 and he is 31? Oh sweetie I am sorry, maybe it is my old age or old time beliefs getting in the way here, but I gotta speak up here! If you were 31 and him 41 I would not see the age as an issue. But at 21 I think there is such a gap in the normal life experiences of the two ages that I cannot see it working long term. Not on his part but yours. When you talk of marriage, it is usually till death do us part. Not till divorce do us part. I think you have much living to do yet before tying yourself to anyone, especially someone with a different culture, different background, and that much of an age difference at your age. Wow! At 21 years of age do we really ever know exactly what we want? I realize this issue was not part of your question and I apologize for that. But no way, no matter how nice this fellow is, would I for one nanosecond be supporting marriage at your age to him at his age. Or anyone ele for that matter. I would really advise you to slow it down and not hurry into anything.  You got all the rest of your life to live, so dont hurry anything at this point.
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Avatar_f_tn
I grew up with intact families around me and have seen how to keep a marriage alive. I also grew up quickly, as anyone who knows me thinks I am more mature for my age. I know what I want in life. I almost died 2 years ago during surgery and realized quickly what mattered in life. I have been through a LOT in my life time. I'm not rushing into marriage, we've already been together for over a year and have taken things slow. We talked about getting engaged and then we'd get married after I graduate in another year and a half. I know for others my age, it would be risky. I see a lot of them as naive and they have no idea what it is going to be like to be married or how to handle situations effectively. I'm not like them. My boyfriend and I are different in age and background, but that helps us with overcoming other obstacles, too. We learn and grow with each other. I've helped him with many things and he helps me, too.
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Avatar_f_tn
Does anyone know a good way to bring up the topic? I've been procrastinating and putting it off, but would like to bring it up this week.
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1152782_tn?1366311480
I'm butting in sorry.. :)
I haven't read all the responses but I personally would say, "John" and I are thinking about getting married!  
For my mom that's all she needs, I get her opinion whether or not I want it lol.  But if you're not sure how to approach it, i'm assuming you don't have serious conversations too much. So if that didn't spark a waterfall of feelings about your man then I would follow up with, What do you think??  
I think the more excited about it you are the more comfortable she would feel about it.....It's always hard for parents to "lose" their kids to marriage :)
GOOD LUCK!!  I hope he deserves you!! :)
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks. I'm going to try and say something like that tonight. I'm trying to finish up studying for my final on wed. so I can watch a Christmas movie with her tonight and I'll bring it up then... We tend not to have serious conversations, my mom would rather joke around, so I am a little nervous about it.
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