Hi, I really don't know what to do. I met my dad when I was 16 for the first time. It was a little strange at first, but I was accepted right away by him and the rest of the family. I have 1 half sister, 1 step-sister, 2 half-brothers and a step-brother. I would go over maybe once a month for the weekend, and would party and drink with the family. They were/are big drinkers, drug-users.. Things were going well and I started to feel comfortable with them. My dad finally admitted the reason we'd never met was because my mom wouldn't allow it (which she finally admitted when asked).
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids. My fiancé doesn't think I should say anything to my dad, but how can we ever have a good relationship with this elephant in the room? P.s. I also posted this in another forum, but someone mentioned on someone elses post that this forum has more active members.
So, let me try to understand. You think if You tell Your Dad that Your Step-Brother raped You while You were all drinking and doing drugs - that somehow, the elephant will leave and You and Your Dad will be close??....is that what You're thinking??
You were BOTH "wasted"..... and apparently so was all the others? I agree with Your "fiance". I think You should let this go and get on with Your own life.
You "met" Your Dad for the "first" time when You were 16. They are "big drinkers" and "drug users". Love isn't always DNA/Biology. Love is what You make it. Love Your Baby and make a good life.
Babies feel secure when Mommy and Daddy are married.
Wow..harsh.. So let me get this straight, your saying that, because I was drunk as well, that made what he did ok? So if I hadn't been drinking, it wouldnt have been ok? I said NO and begged him to stop.. He held me down.. So.. How is what he did in any way my fault, for drinking?
I am past this, forgiven him, come to terms with what happened.. Honestly if I did have a conversation with my dad, I would probably refuse to tell him WHO raped me. This was 11 years ago.. I Stopped talking to my dad for 9 years.. Then suddenly turned up again in his life, because I didn't want my son to suffer for what happened to me, by not having the opportunity to know his grandpa.
P.S. We are getting married next May :) unfortunately plans didn't fall into place before I got pregnant.
based on the fact that you posted this there is no doubt in my mind that you have to tell him. You will feel better about it. I held on to a similar secret for a long time as well… I can tell you: there is a lot of healing, closure, & letting go that comes with sharing the secret & burden with those who should have protected you. You owe it to yourself and you child to take some of the weight off your shoulders. In my situation, I beat around the bush for years… hinting at what happened. Finally I got frustrated enough and bluntly told my dad. I was always afraid that it would not be taken seriously enough… to be honest… when i told him, it wasn't taken seriously enough (never underestimate the denial of a parent)… regardless, there was still a lot of closure gained with telling & connecting the dots for everyone. I dont know why your fiance would advise you not to tell… the only chance you have to ever heal and have a relationship with your dad is to tell the truth. It wasnt till I finally told that I realized that I continued to be violated by the secret I was carrying. Your step brother already took so much from you… dont let him take more. I think it is safe to say, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
hi..huni..you do whats right for you...and if that means blowing your ******* of a step brother out of the water and upsetting your dad and his family who didnt bother with you till you were 16 and then 9 years again after that...so fricken what?!!! what happened to you is absofrickenloutely not acceptable...you admitted to being on drink and drugs but is that any excuse for someone you put your trust in to rape you.......shocked by a previous response i have to say.....you done without your dad for 16 yrs and this sh.t happend...do you really need him in your life? you have your own family now....but its disgusting this happened to you hun.....wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.......
Sorry, I'm just trying to understand what you are trying to say.. Maybe I just couldn't get past the part where it felt like you were trying to say that I somehow "asked" for what I got, because I had been drinking and doing drugs.. (which btw I don't do either anymore!!)
Maybe you were trying to point out that the environment itself is toxic? If that was your point, yes, you may be right.. At least the way things were, back then.. My dad now goes to church, and I *think* just an occasional drinker.. But you are right that, idk if my relationship with him could ever be stable enough that I'd feel comfortable letting my son stay over, or anything like that.. It's just hard to be torn into two directions.. I love my grandpas, and just want my son to have a grandpa too.
WOW...was that last post to me..because you couldnt be further from the mark...what i said or meant was the total opposite so i have to ask was that post relating to me hun...are you ok? you seem pretty down x
It sounds like you want a relationship with your dad, and for your son to have one too… Either way, it is easier to reveal what happened than to keep this secret. The drugs and everything have nothing to do with the situation…
If you could be OK with not telling, than you wouldnt have made this post. Be strong! good luck
reading your post again… i think you know what you have to do… you say you want the relationship and the only way is to remove the 'elephant in the room'… its just a matter of gaining the confidence and the strength.
Perhaps if your fiance would have said that you should tell.. you wouldnt even be wondering what to do. Dont expect people to get it or relate to the situation. You lived it, you still live it… your the best person to get advise from.
Thank-you sincerely and Lisa, I've read over both your comments a couple of times; talking about this does help.. I do feel I'm past the pain, but the pain of feeling as though he's taken any chance I had of getting to know my dad, does still haunt me.
After getting this all off my chest has also helped me to realize that.. As much as I'd like for my son to not lose out on getting to know his grandpa, that maybe it's not the best environment for him anyways..
The hard part most likely won't be trying to convince my dad.. The one thing I'd have going is, I'm blood and step-bro isn't, and he hasn't changed his ways at all.. He's Worse, it seems.. Heavy into drugs, anger issues.. And he's got a 2 year old, with one on the way.. But mostly I'm afraid of it causing a rift between my dad and his wife, who seem to be very happy together. She's always been caring towards me, but step-bro is her son.
its just so wrong tho for you to feel this way...your dad wasnt in your life for 16 yrs..HE..should be trying to be a part of your life..not the other way round...you dont need to do anything..your dad had his chance and he knows where you are i assume to find you...give everything to your baby...i say this from experience also...im 38..i got in touch with my dad just over a year ago..i didnt go thru what u did by no means..but i didnt see my dad from when i was 2....and he let me down all over again...i didnt need him all my life and i certainly dont need him now...he owes me..i owe him nothing and you owe your dad nothing too.......
Thank-you both again, I am starting to wonder if having a relationship is worth it.. As it was pointed out.. Why hadn't he sought me out? Didn't he wonder WHY I disappeared for so long? And what happens when my son is older and wants to spend the night? Hear I am mourning the fact that my dad is close to all his other grandkids and they all spend the night, and he doesnt spend much time with my son, and they havent "connected". It never occurrd to me that.. I would prolly have a problem with my son spending time there without me being there..
of course you feel uncomfortable… there has never been a discussion. Perhaps if you were to discuss what happened you would become comfortable… without addressing the issue you can only assume the worst (to protect your son).
is your step brother in your fathers life? If so, doesnt it bother you knowing that your father gets along with your rapist…. or that your rapist associates with the father of the girl he raped… (?)
does the disconnect transfer onto the relationships between your son and his cousins as well?
This may seem blunt, but your reasoning for not telling your father what happened are typical of victims… protecting others feelings and viewing themselves as the source of the conflict that could arise should they tell.
I understand why you dont want to 'create waves' … but it seems that comes with a great scarifies. nevertheless, tuff situation.
i honestly think its a no win situation..if u tell your dad there will be uproar and friction and rightly so coz this so called step brother should be brought to justice...but if u say nothing then how could u continue life with these people.....just try concentrate on yourself for now and take time to think about it....but what he did to you should not go unpunished also....it must be so hard for you...nobody can tell you what to do but do not carry on with these people like nothing ever happend...its one way or another...i wish you all the best...
T2- step-brother is part of my fathers life, but seems somewhat strained due to step-bros continuing to abuse drugs/alcohol, and his anger issues. My dad used to drink a lot, but seems to have cleaned up some.. I don't KNOW for sure though, when it's just short visits here and there with my dad.. It bothers me more that, when I'm invited to social situations.. To attend, I gotta deal with step-bro, and continuing to act as though nothing happened.. At my half brothers wedding earlier this year, my son had dropped his sippy cup, and step-bro gave it back to me.. Creepiest feeling ever.. When my son went to grab it and take a sip, I wouldn't let him have it..
Asking about cousins relationship.. The kids don't seem to "sense" anything.. He seems to get along ok with them.. Though he has only met the other kids a few times, so it's hard to say. The other kids all seem to know each other really well.. Though my Dad takes all the other kids for the night and stuff, but doesn't with my son so they most likely see each other quite a bit.
Some examples of the "disconnect".. My dad (and wife) came to my sons birthday party a few weeks ago.. Stayed 20 mins.. And refused to step foot in my livingroom.. So I missed a bunch of my sons birthday party, to try and make them feel comfortable in the kitchen.. Didn't interact with my son at all..
God knows WHY I went, but my dads wife invited me to step-bros daughters birthday party.. Didnt want to make waves i guess.. Step bros girlfriend made a HUGE deal over the fact that "I wasn't invited" and refused to give my son a treat bag, although some of the invited guests hadn't shown up, and so she had extra.. I spent like $50 on a gift, the treat bag was from the dollar store.. So step-bro has most likely said stuff about me, to try and turn the family against me as well..
There's other stuff, but those are a couple things that stick out, that really just make me feel like my family and I aren't really accepted.
Please believe I never meant to imply that You "asked" to be raped. I am a Woman too, and like All Others I agree NO means NO!! besides saying "no", You also describe being forced. This was wrong on EVERY level!! I totally agree!!
When I said that EveryOne was drinking and doing drugs I meant that as a criticism of the behavior - You were 18 years old which tells me Your Dad was an Adult and He was modeling bad behavior for/with His Daughter and His Sons. I meant only to suggest that this is not the kind of GrandPa You might want for Your Baby. You had a wonderful GrandPa YourSelf and, on an emotional level You want that for Your Baby but it doesn't sound to me that Your own Dad measures up. I meant that if You tell Your Dad what happened to You that night, I think there would still be an "elephant in the room" as pertains to the relationship between You and Your "Dad". When I said "love isn't always DNA" I meant that something sacred doesn't happen when an egg and sperm have met, that at that point it is simple biology. Love and Parenting are what We make of it. There are Good People and there are Bad People in this world - sometimes they are Moms and Dads.
I apologize if I sounded offensive to You. On the other hand, if You want to tell Your Dad what happened I think You should - I just don't think it will change Your Dad into what You desire Him to be.
Tink-thank-you for clarifying for me, it's appreciated :)
You guys are so right, that maybe I'm mourning the loss of something that was never there in the first place (iE:a positive role model for my son). I posted this in another forum as well, and someone else asked if he has any other relatives that can fill that void. You guys are right, maybe I should be focusing on helping him fill that void and forming a strong bond with people who do care, and are a positive influence, instead of hoping to find that in a person who abandoned me (twice) and has a lifestyle like that, when I know I'd never feel my son is "safe" in his care.
I'm so glad to hear this last post. Hearing that you would not trust this side of the family with your little boy, and that he would start to wonder why, is important. It's not anything that you can explain to a little one, and the confusion of him not being treated as part of the family (with sleepovers) would be devastating to him. Not only that, you already know that he's not being treated as an equal. He's at the age where he will forget these people, if you stop talking about them, and that is the best solution. So, I think that it's hurting you to continue having anything to do with your abuser. No doubt he covered his bases and has told everyone that it is you that came on to him that night and that's the elephant in the room that you feel.
That being said, since you don't have anything to lose, if you plan to stop going near them, why not have the closure and simply tell your dad what happened? Give him the reason why, this time, you have nothing to do with that side of the family. Maybe tell him how you feel about him letting you go again, for nine years and get it off your chest? You can do this in a letter. Who knows, maybe his son has already been caught doing something similar and it would be helpful to others to know of this incident?
I pray that you will fill that void in your life, and your son's life with a good friends that you have come to trust. God Bless you and your family. Congrats on the baby and the upcoming marriage!!
I feel so sorry for you and the position you find yourself in. Everyone has an opinion on what to do, and I guess that I am no different. What I would suggest is, read each opinion and take them at face value. Don't read too much into them, but rather think about what was said. Give each opinion a good long look and let it all sink in. (The answer on what to do and what is right for you lies inside of you....)
What I do suggest is that you see a therapist regarding this situation. I think that if you can lay it all out to a person completely on the outside, you can get an unbiased opinion and also gain the proper perspective and tools to put this behind you and keep it behind you. (Dealing with the problem is key, and as an above poster said... maybe doing it in a letter to your father is a real good way of doing so. There is a down side to telling your father. He might not believe a word of it, and then you would have to deal with that as well. On the other hand, if you are "letting go" of the relationship with your father, you really have nothing else to lose. Again, the right answer lies within you.... take your time and give this a lot of thought.)
I had a dysfunctional relationship with my father too. I'd like to share the story with you, because I think there is something there for you to learn or at least see... but I don't want to put it out here in the wide open. If you are intersted in the story, message me.
Hi there. I'm sorry for that horrible experience and in general, the way it all went down. Why didn't you tell your dad when you disappeared out of his life?? I ask that because I'm wondering how a teen can come for a drunken visit and then just disappear?? Did he not contact you and try to get in touch?? Ugh, the reason why I comment on this is because HE sounds very messed up. You were but a teen and walked away but HE as a parent should have investigated and tried to be in touch with you. Wish you had told him then but maybe the relationship with him was so unstable that you couldn't at the time???
So, this brings me to the next thing. Why do you want this loser dad in the picture of your babies life?? This dad that is tied to the step brother that sexually assaulted you? He's NOT been a dad to you in any way for many years. So, I would not try to bring him into your child's life.
If you would like to tell him what happened, I would do so. For your peace of mind. But not with the intention of him becoming a parental figure to you or a sweet, old Grandpa to your baby. I'd let him know so he can look at your step brother as the scum he is.
And then I'd stay close to your partner that seems to love you very much and go on with your life free of 'those' people.
Peace and luck to you
Hi, I don't want to share my name, but I have had a similar thing happen to me. I was 6 when the first time my step brother raped me, he was not drunk nor under the influence of any drugs. I was just a little boy at the time, and didn't really know what was going on. I grew a hate for this person, and I didn't want to be around him, but he lived in my home. So I couldn't really avoid him, and whenever he had the chance he would pull down my pants and rape me. He moved out of the house, when I was about 13, and I lost contact, then I had an excuse, I said I hated him for leaving his family in the dust. But about a year later, he came back into my family's life again, and the first time I saw him in over a year, my dad and step mom went out on a date, and he took off my pants, and then his. He raped me again, and again, and again. Although I was nearly 15, I still did not have the strength to get away.
Now, almost a year later again, after I had told my girlfriend everything he has done to me, after I told her everything, I worked up the courage to tell my father. I didn't give him details I just said "the reason I hate ______ so much, is because he raped me a lot as a young kid. And even now" well, he didn't like it so much, and word got back to my step brother. And here tonight, when I'm at home alone, he shows up, just to rape me. I thought I would research if other people have had this happen to them too, because I personally have never met anyone who has had this happen to them, but seeing this, in a sense has helped me, I know that sounds messed up, but thank you. For sharing your story. It takes so much courage to share something like this with a group of people you don't know. I didn't really write this as a word of advice, I wrote it more to get something off my chest that I really needed to. I'm sorry for being selfish and writing this on your page, thank you for sharing your story with me, and countless others. I am sure your story has touched many other hearts just as mine was tonight. Thank you. Ps. No matter what anyone says, it's not your fault. If you were drunk or sober, female or male, if you got raped, it's the rapists fault. Not the victim. Tell your dad. If he doesn't like what he hears, then he won't care if it were to happen to his grand baby either.
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