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Really Dislike his Ex Wife..Not sure what to think
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Really Dislike his Ex Wife..Not sure what to think

Well I have posted issues about my relationship before because my bf has mood swings. Besides all of that there is an issue that bugs me.
He has been divorced from his ex wife for 7 years they have two boys together (9+6). He hasn't had any type of relations with her for 3 years now. They're relationship was very distructive and verbally abusive.
When i first was dating my boyfriend his ex had a lot of control over him being the fact that he hadn't moved on and is all about his boys. She gets a great deal of money from him for child support and would still weezle money out of him using the boys as an excuse. When he had the boys (or didn't) she was calling and txting all day. They would continue to fight a lot. Then when me and him got serious she went crazy, she would talk about me and also tried taking the boys away. She did anything she could..... Keep in mind she has a boyfriend who has been living with her for 2 years. Yet denies it!
Well at one point he made all of this my business, i told him that i would be with a guy who gave all his income away. I also would tell him that once she started to fight to just ignore her (because he would partake in it). Thankfully he listened and stopped that behavior. Believe me it's worse then what i describe he would even have to tell her what the kids ate. He has always been very sincere and always showed me the text messages where she would hit on him and he was always really short.
In august there was a huge fight between her and I and then her and him. She then put a restraining order on him stating he bit and punched his kids. She made up so many lies... Then was trying to get full custody and got a lawyer. Well i helped my bf with money (3,000) to get a lawyer to not lose his kids. It was a couple months of that and he started to win the case. Finally they came to an agreement...
Anywho since then he has his boys, one day she called and apologized after them not speaking for months. This was a couple of days ago. The conversation went on for half an hour she stated she wanted them to get along. Well my problem is that since then she keeps texting and calling and uses the boys as an excuse. I talked to my guy about it and he swears he would never do me wrong and that he knows her intentions and doesn't trust her either. I have seen his text messages where he is very short with her. Last night she texted him when he was at work (he works nights) and that bugged me. I trust him but i can't stand her so therefore I don't know what to do.
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145992_tn?1341348674
My husband's ex-wife sounds familiar to this.  Although, his ex-wife doesn't hit on my husband.  But she has successfully alienated us from his daughter's life.  We just got to the point where we were tired of fighting her.  It's very sad but we couldn't trust her and everything was an argument.  From my experience, what I would say is he should set boundaries with her.  Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do since they do share children together and it's better for the children if their parents get along.  But there would be no reason for her to text him at strange hours of the night, unless one of the kids is in the hospital.  I really don't think you have anything to worry about though, because it sounds like your boyfriend is being really upfront and honest with you about his ex-wife's intentions.  Try your hardest to stay out of their issues.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hon.  I'm not sure how many reasons you need to leave this situation.  If you find his relationship with his ex, the mother of his children troubling, that is yet another reason to leave.  Not everyone is cut out to date a man that has 'other' obligations.

Obviously it is in the best interest of all parties for them to get alone.  Had they not been fighting-----  there wouldn't have been that 3000 spent on lawyer fees you had to lay out.  It also affects the kids and frankly, your own sanity, doesn't it?  

The girlfriend of someone should not be fighting with someone's ex.  A new wife shouldn't be fighting with someone's ex.  They can ask their boyfriend/husband to be reasonable with communication but might find that the boyfriend/husband actually does want to know all of the minutia (sp?)  that goes along with having kids.  Money does become an issue.  I wouldn't want my husband giving his paycheck away to another household . . . but I married a man without kids that didn't have other financial obligations but our own family we created.  While child suport can be a lot------- really, now that I have kids, is it ever enough???  LOL  I mean----  there is always something you need money for when you have kids.  I spend every last dime I have on my kids and do without and that is pretty normal when you have kids.  So, when a man and woman break up----  I don't think the needing money and wanting to give it to the kids stops.  I literally made a choice today about buying an item I could really use for myself and getting a game my boys have been wanting.  I got the game for Christmas and will do without the item I could use for me.  

Anyway, that is my long way of saying that within reason, when someone has kids------  money is always going to go out the door to them and as the other parent knows what they need (or more often, want), they are going to be the ones to ask.  It is true that for the duration of your relationship with this man while he has minor children, he will always have financial obligations to them.  And like her or not, he will always need to get along with their mother.  

I get that many an ex is a witch and hard to deal with.  I really do.  But what are ya going to do?  Your best bet is to stay polite to her and just work with your boyfriend behind the scenes to set boundaries that you can live with.  Then he sets them with her.  

Or, you coud have a less stressful life by leaving this situation . . . as you are also dealing with a moody man you must walk on egg shells around----- in your post on that subject, you quoted what his ex said about him and agreed with it.  He just might not be the best partner for you.  good luck

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1848267_tn?1333380225
Thank you i really really needed that mami... I trust him and he is completely honest always has been. She is pretty much obsessed with him, she wants that control. I always tell him that it would be good if they got along but i don't like or trust her.
One day me and her got into it because she said i yelled at one of the boys (not true they love me). Well i tried to explain to her that i love them and she wouldnt' shutup so i ended up tossing the B word around at her. Her conversation about her  boys ended with "i don't want him you can have him that why i left him" uhhhh! I said that was none of my business.
I tell him to set boundries with her and i feel he does. He has changed a lot and what she did to him wasn't cool. It just bothers me i guess...
I have two kids who don't have a father so he is lucky to not have to see him..
Im trying and yes he is very very honest.. i tellin ya my moody guy is just moody. Besides that he has great qualities i trust him a lot. He always saves his texts and shows them to me because he knows it bugs me. I don't know if he should be telling me about all the times she tries to contact him but he does to be honest...
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973741_tn?1342346373
I wrote a long long post to say what mami said in her last sentence.  "Try your hardest to stay out of their issues."  Well put.  
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Mami1323 offered some great advice.

Two things:  1. Bf needs to set boundaries with ex.  
                     2. Leave the drama between your bf and the ex between
                         your bf and the ex.  Don't get involved.  

I am not saying you can't voice your opinion to your bf, however, I think the above recommendations should be done.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I know it's hard dealing with an ex and especially when the ex is difficult.  Believe me, I get it. But being that you are the mother, you can kind of understand how difficult it is when another woman is around your kids.  Maybe she's insecure and intimidated of the role you play in her children's lives.  Maybe she just likes having the power over her ex or gets off on the attention or likes feeling like she's number 1 in his life.  Who knows but like I said, he does seem to care about your comfortability.  Your issues with her our your issues.  Try not to let it stand in the way of him being a father to his kids.  As hard as it is sometimes.  Believe me, I have sat by quietly on the sidelines as my husband's ex yelled at him through the phone about me and being mad at something that was totally misconstrued.  I also had a moment of weakness and was yelling in the background.  I had just had years of abuse from this woman.  But in the end, it's the children that matter.  So as irrational as his ex may seem, you still have to somewhat respect her position as the children's mother.  If you can't then like specialmom said, maybe rethink your relationship.  Good luck.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I mean being that you are a mother yourself, not you are the mother.  My thoughts come out quicker than I type...lol.
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973741_tn?1342346373
As usual, our dear mami speaks pure wisdom!
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1848267_tn?1333380225
special mom thank you!!! i barely read your post... well when i mean about money. She has a job that makes 9.00 and hour she is paying for a house and just purchased a hummer. So therefore it's not just for the kids... plus he has his kids everyday and buys them clothes and food and she has them a couple of hours at night. So therfore it's not what it it should be. Yet the boundry for that has been set..
When her and i argued which was once she confronted me in front of my kids.. and honestly i don't like pushed around in front of my babies. I respect her because of the boys and they know it that's why they like me.
I have two kids and as much as i would like to say that i can continue with a guy with no kids. Well i am not one to talk...
I plan to take it one day at a time.. Its all on him actually...
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1848267_tn?1333380225
mami.. you put it in great perspective... and yes i have been doing just that. I needed to vent and i always stay to myself in these matters. I have told the babies that i don't dislike their mother.
My bf's ex has a man living with her but he never ever questions it or feels threatened. That gives me great sense of security he is doing everything right. As far as showing me that i can trust him... Ima stay out of it.. yes i have been in the position to where she yels and screams and i just laugh.. but we don't cross words..
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Avatar_m_tn
Respectfully, it is not "all on him" if you are involved with this man.  You're in a relationship with this man.  In this relationship, you will both have to work together to address all problems that come your way.  Essentially, even on just a cohabitation situation, on some level, his problems become yours and yours his.

You do not have to interact with the ex-wife.  It just isn't necessary, and he can set those boundaries with the ex.  All he needs to say is, "our conversations will revolve around the kids we share together, and that is it.  You do not need to speak with my girlfriend about anything, and it is preferred that you keep it that way.  She will not talk to you, nor you her."

Now, you're removed from interacting with this woman, but you will still be appraised of what is happening between them, and still be able to offer him support....

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1848267_tn?1333380225
Brice... Exactly that.. when i mentioned all on him is that he sets the boundries. Her and I do not speak at all but once in a year and that is it. I am a really nice person and have no problem even being her friend. She just can't handle it... He does talk about the kids and he states that it is all he is to talk about with her. Yet she uses that for closeness. I addressed this to him and he said that he knows how she is and what she is doing. But he is very re-asurring... I will just leave it alone and just state how i feel when it is needed...
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1844537_tn?1323480209
Boy I'm so glad I married a man with no kids. My situation is that I would like for my kids to visit their father, but she doesn't allow it. She doesn't like that my kids are around. I sure don't bother him or ask for any extra money from him. He doesn't even pay his child support because she wont allow it. I don't get how a girl can stop him from being a father to his children. I'm so happy that I have a wonderful Guy that provides for them and is a father to them. Although their father hasn't seen them for 2 1/2 years. They are very blessed with their father they have now. Some girls act so dumb. She's also angry at that he wont have kids with her. He's been with her for 4 years. Before he went missing in action he picked them up with her I had no problem with that. I don't care what he's doing she had the nerve to come up to me and try to fight me. First I don't fight in front of my kids so she's lucky that I kissed my kids and walked away. That made he even more angry. When my kids got him they were telling me how mean she was and how if my son was playing with something and if her son wanted it she would take the toys away from him and give it to the kid. Yes that made me very angry and I did end up calling him and asking why in the hell would he allow a women to treat the kids this way. He denied it all the way. Said my kids were liars and not to believe them. After that my kids wouldn't go with him. And he hasn't been around since.l that one time they went. And that's sad. But Mami is right ignore her and keep up with what your doing the girl is just mad at the fact he has someone else and is mad that you have stick by him with all the crap she tries to do. Your doing good don't bring yourself down to her level or even close to it. Because that's what she wants is for you to make a fool of yourself. Just laugh like I did. Good luck. ;)  she"ll end up giving up on it.
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1848267_tn?1333380225
I feel ya girl on the whole crappy dad thing. My kids dad hasn't seen um for 2 years and even before that he was unavailable at that. My guy has stepped up moods and all. Sometimes my kids overwell him but then in the end he is always willing to help. He never says no to my lil girl... Yep she is upset and wants to be in such control. Honestly we never talk to eachother we crossed words once and it was because she used any excuse to try to get at me. I used to be the lil fighter type but it's not worth it. Yet when she had her hand in my face i told her how i felt and more. My kids were there and hers weren't. I guess its not right to do it in front of my daughter but i wasn't gonna let her talk down to me.
I know she will be there and i understand a lot of things. But i am going to keep my distance like always.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
That is definitely sad what has happened in your situation bunniiebaybii.

I am not sure why this is always an issue; the ex-wife vs the current wife.

I have stepchildren and have yet to interact with the ex-wife.  I feel it is just NOT my place nor is it necessary to be involved with her.  I let my husband "handle" her so to speak.  It is not about whether I like "this or that" about the ex or what she does with her money, etc. it is about being a mature adult and letting my husband parent his children with his ex.  Placing myself in their drama I think would make things worse for my husband and well for my stepchildren.  Of course my husband and I have had many chats over an issue with the ex, but I have never confronted her nor will I.

I think both parties (exs and current  wives) should remember the FOCUS shouldn't be them and their issues, but the children involved.  




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1848267_tn?1333380225
your right!
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1844537_tn?1323480209
Yea that's true. Just sometimes I wish he would see he's hurting his kids. He has an 11yo that just hates him for it. I try to tell him that no matter what he your father. And will always be. But he's very very stubborn right now. He says that's not his father, that his father does his homework with him everyday buys him his game and plays baseball with him. I know my ex (I never married him) is going to realize,maybe, one day how much he hurt these kids. And how much he's missing out on their lives. I try to tell my kids but right now they just hate him. And one day he'll live to regret it. I wont fight with this girl no way I would because for one I'm 5'5 and I'm a thick girl. She's 4'11 and like half my weight ill hurt her and I'm not trying to go to jail for breaking her in half. Girl is all talk. But the main focus are the kids and they get the attention from a man that loves them very much. And does it all. He understands because he also grew up without a father not by choice his father passed away when he was only 2 months old. So he just goes to the top for them. I just don't get how someone that has kids but can forget about them and let a witch get in the way. I couldn't do it. My babies are the world to me. Even though they drive me up the wall sometimes LOL. Its just not the way to act in front of kids or even blame the kids for his own mistakes. I just don't understand why? I just know this woman is crazy to keep him away.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
What kind of woman would keep her husband or bf from seeing his kids with his ex? I would never do such nonsense.   Actually, your ex is more to blame then the current gf/wife.  This is exactly what I was talking about; people putting their issues, i.e. jealousy, insecurities, etc. before the REAL issue=kids.  

I live on both sides of the fence. I am the current wife dealing with an ex and stepchildren and I have a son with my ex husband who has remarried which makes me "the ex."   My son gets along great with his stepfather and his stepmother.  I talked to my ex-husband's wife once and wished him and her the best.  She treats my son good, so there wasn't any problems.  She is definitely different from me, but my son and ex love her so I am ok with that.  I never felt intimidated, upset, or angry that she is involved in my son's life because she is a decent person.  Never felt I had to "check her out" to make sure "this and that" was ok because my son would have definitely told me.  
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1848267_tn?1333380225
Londres.. I too have kids from my ex. I honestly don't know what he does with his life. But i know that i want nothing to do with him. So much so that i wish him the best. I would love for him to  be a father. I don't like my babies not having a dad. I always hoped for him to learn how to treat women after how he treated me. In my case my bf's ex still wants to be with him. So she is hatefull... your lucky to be in your situaion and to have it run the right way. I am fortunate that the babies are good to me. They are just normal kids and believe me their mom puts so much in their head but they are ok.
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1844537_tn?1323480209
I wasn't going to have a problem with her either. I have no control of what he does. Nor want to. I was the better person to walk away and let her look dumb. I never picked a fight or tried to get in there relationship. I was just wanting my kids to be with there father. But that's not happening for them. I've tried and it just didn't happen. Its his lose.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
I hope one day your ex will "man up" as they say and participate in his kids' lives.  Really do.  

In my opinion I have been the "ideal ex."   Can't say the same for my husband's ex.  On and off I would see and hear her through the children "stuff" she was trying to "put into their heads too."  Was I upset?  Of course.  I talked with my husband about it and then I came to the realization, hmmm, he and I can't control what she is telling the kids about us.  A couple of times my husband and I have had to talk with the kids to make "clarifications" about "this and that."  In other words, defend ourselves against her lies.  Even through all this I never discuss their mother with them, never.  If I did that it would be like "lighting a cannon ball.  I try to show them that I am taking "the high road" and not getting into any drama with her or them over their mother.   I hope over time my stepchildren will see the "truth of the matter" crystal clear.  I think they are starting to.  

My husband's ex may not want him back, but she is sure "salty" that he moved on.  She was more interested in his "wallet" than him.  She is also mad that she must work now; didn't have to when she was married to my husband.  She is the one who filed for the divorce and wanted him "out,"  but she wanted all his money too.  Too bad the judge thought she was too "greedy" and said NO WAY.  So, I have had my share of drama.  

I am lucky to have a husband who sets boundaries and sees the bs just as it is.  So, I let him deal with her because he knows "just what to do."  

Plus, I guess I am lucky my ex husband married a decent woman and my current husband is a great stepfather.  
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1268057_tn?1399131913
My last post was to you.  
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1848267_tn?1333380225
Londres.. yes you are so lucky! I understand what you mean my guys ex filled out the divorce as well and pushed for a lot of child support. She also never had to work and now she does. She has had several jobs in six months. Which is funny but that's her life! I am just going to let that one be...
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Yes, before we got married I saw that he could handle his ex's bs pretty damn good, well, great.  So, I said "I do" to him.   He gives me absolutely NO drama and has the patience of Job.  

Yes, I feel really lucky and blessed.  It was good decision making on my part too dear.  

Had to kiss alot of frogs to find my "prince."  :)))  Sounds like you are ready for your "prince" about now.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I went thought the same situation.My bf has to grls with his Ex-Wife and she made things  so difficult for us even tho she has a new man ov her own.I just dont understand y woman are the way they are wen kids r involved and a relationship is over EVEN AFTER THE FACT THEY HAVE STARTED A NEW RELATIONSHIP/LIFE WITH SOME ONE ELSE. ITS CRAZY HOW ITS OKAY FOR THE KIDS TO B AROUND THIER NEW BF BUT THEY WONT LET THE DADS NEW GF B AROUND THE KIDS. WELL MY BF EX HAS NOT LET HIM SEE NOR TALK TO HIS TWO GRLS IN MONTHS. ITS SAD BECAUSE THE KIDS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IR. NOW WE R EXPECTING A BABY BOY.. HIS 1ST BOY ND MY ONLY CHILD. IT MAKES ME SAD THAT HIS GRLS WONT B AROUND TO SEE THERE ONLY BROTHER. SO I INDERSTANd your situation. BUT TRUST YOUR MAN AND DONT WORRIE BOUT THE EX SHE JUST JEALOUS!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I went thought the same situation.My bf has to grls with his Ex-Wife and she made things  so difficult for us even tho she has a new man ov her own.I just dont understand y woman are the way they are wen kids r involved and a relationship is over EVEN AFTER THE FACT THEY HAVE STARTED A NEW RELATIONSHIP/LIFE WITH SOME ONE ELSE. ITS CRAZY HOW ITS OKAY FOR THE KIDS TO B AROUND THIER NEW BF BUT THEY WONT LET THE DADS NEW GF B AROUND THE KIDS. WELL MY BF EX HAS NOT LET HIM SEE NOR TALK TO HIS TWO GRLS IN MONTHS. ITS SAD BECAUSE THE KIDS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IR. NOW WE R EXPECTING A BABY BOY.. HIS 1ST BOY ND MY ONLY CHILD. IT MAKES ME SAD THAT HIS GRLS WONT B AROUND TO SEE THERE ONLY BROTHER. SO I INDERSTANd your situation. BUT TRUST YOUR MAN AND DONT WORRIE BOUT THE EX SHE JUST JEALOUS!!
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