Aa
Really need some advice????
About a month ago i was on the computer when google drive did auto backup and i found a porn video. I found out after asking my husband that for over two years he has been doing porn behind my back. He has been coming home from work and instead of having sex with me watching other naked women and getting off. When we got engaged we talked about what bothered us and so on and one of my big issues was with porn because of my ex. I told my husband and also told him anytime he wanted it he can get it from me i am his wife. He promised me he would never see another naked woman purposely except for me. I am completely heart broken. I want to be with him, i love him and we have two beautiful kids together but i cant get this pain to go away. He said the only reason he did it was because he was sneaking behind my back and smoking and felt he didnt deserve to have sex with me. I cry every night and it feels like he has broken my heart into a million pieces, i have this constant ache in my chest. I try and smile and act like I am okay and i try and push what he has done out of my mind. I just dont know how to move on from this or how to continue our marriage and how to be happy again. I just feel like our whole marriage is a lie. Getting himself off to other naked woman and smoking behind my back for over two years and not caring that i wasn't getting any sex, my needs werent met.
I agree with specialmom- treating him like he got caught makes this a good or bad thing. If you are having trouble getting over this you may need to think about what forgiveness means-
Fogregivness is not just something you give him but yourself. If you forgive him, you free yourself. I know this. It took me years to forgive my wife for cheating(and to this day I wonder if it affects how I act). But I try to remind myself-I stayed- that was my choice, so if I truly forgive her I must let it go completely(not forget it) but not throw it in her face or use it as an excuse for my actions. That can be hard.
If is also a gift for him. He can know that you are letting go and will not punish him for this over and over. It gives him a chance to get closer.
Maybe you could start with-I know this is painful. This hurt me becasue you did not come to me when you felt bad. You were hurting when you thought your smoking made you lesser in my eyes. It did not. Our mistakes are part of who we are. I promised you for better or worse. That means you can come to me even when you think it is the worst. I promise.
If you go to counseling alone- plesae remember it is your counseling not his. If you use the counsler to analyze someone not in the room it is not fair. I know I've been through it. When my wife came home and said, "My therapist thinks you have major problems" it really hurt. What did she say to have the therapist diagnois me? When I went on my own, I made it clear it was about how I imporve and not what my wife thinks or says. That is hard to do as well.
I still have my own issues so I hope I don;'t sound preachy. I just know the pain of not being able to be open with someone and how it hurts.
Fogregivness is not just something you give him but yourself. If you forgive him, you free yourself. I know this. It took me years to forgive my wife for cheating(and to this day I wonder if it affects how I act). But I try to remind myself-I stayed- that was my choice, so if I truly forgive her I must let it go completely(not forget it) but not throw it in her face or use it as an excuse for my actions. That can be hard.
If is also a gift for him. He can know that you are letting go and will not punish him for this over and over. It gives him a chance to get closer.
Maybe you could start with-I know this is painful. This hurt me becasue you did not come to me when you felt bad. You were hurting when you thought your smoking made you lesser in my eyes. It did not. Our mistakes are part of who we are. I promised you for better or worse. That means you can come to me even when you think it is the worst. I promise.
If you go to counseling alone- plesae remember it is your counseling not his. If you use the counsler to analyze someone not in the room it is not fair. I know I've been through it. When my wife came home and said, "My therapist thinks you have major problems" it really hurt. What did she say to have the therapist diagnois me? When I went on my own, I made it clear it was about how I imporve and not what my wife thinks or says. That is hard to do as well.
I still have my own issues so I hope I don;'t sound preachy. I just know the pain of not being able to be open with someone and how it hurts.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Got it but honey, what I'm trying to say is it is not all him. You've contributed to the demise of this relationship. Your expectations may be out of sync with who he is. If he's been guiltily smoking and using porn . . . because he is afraid of your reaction---- that is just indicative of an imbalance of power in your relationship. I can ask my husband to not drink but HE is not a child and therefore, should have some say in it. Otherwise, this is like a teenager getting caught and mom. That's NOT sexy!! That is something for you to think about.
And I do continue to believe that if he won't go to therapy, there should be nothing stopping you. I think it would help start the process of figuring out your own 'stuff' and perhaps he will see improvement in how you deal with things and be motivated to seek this kind of help as well. good luck
And I do continue to believe that if he won't go to therapy, there should be nothing stopping you. I think it would help start the process of figuring out your own 'stuff' and perhaps he will see improvement in how you deal with things and be motivated to seek this kind of help as well. good luck
thank you for the advice and i am taking to what you are saying to heart. there was a lack of intimacy from him, i tried all the time to have sex. he told me he was doing porn because he was smoking behind my back and didnt want me to know and felt like he didnt deserve to have sex with me but he still had needs. he is finally truthfully quitting smoking but i cant get over what he has done i dont know how to heal. he wont talk to someone he thinks that stuff is bs.
I agree with specialmom. The porn is not the problem, it's the symptom.
I assume the real problem is too scary for you to face -- in other words, if your relationship is not in fact generating warmth and intimacy, if you faced that right out instead of blaming the porn, you would possibly have to do something about it, and it's easy to catastrophize that "something" as "if I faced what seems to be happening in our relationship I would risk a divorce."
Don't delude yourself with the "if ... then" kind of thoughts. Just sit down with your husband and say "We have to get to the bottom of the lack of intimacy in your marriage." Don't cry, it just makes him give you promises to shut you up and make things seem OK. But they aren't OK, he says he won't do it any more like a bad little boy who was caught, and you pretend to smile by your own admission.
Seek a therapist who can help you work out a way to talk to your husband about what is real. Then bring him along to hear what you want to say.
ps -- If there was a problem with porn in another relationship, please remember, your husband is not that other guy.
I assume the real problem is too scary for you to face -- in other words, if your relationship is not in fact generating warmth and intimacy, if you faced that right out instead of blaming the porn, you would possibly have to do something about it, and it's easy to catastrophize that "something" as "if I faced what seems to be happening in our relationship I would risk a divorce."
Don't delude yourself with the "if ... then" kind of thoughts. Just sit down with your husband and say "We have to get to the bottom of the lack of intimacy in your marriage." Don't cry, it just makes him give you promises to shut you up and make things seem OK. But they aren't OK, he says he won't do it any more like a bad little boy who was caught, and you pretend to smile by your own admission.
Seek a therapist who can help you work out a way to talk to your husband about what is real. Then bring him along to hear what you want to say.
ps -- If there was a problem with porn in another relationship, please remember, your husband is not that other guy.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Again, it's just a symptom of the problems. He has a problem with withdrawal and avoidance and 'self medicating' with porn if you honestly believe it is a barrier to intimacy for the both of you.
But the problems of lack of closeness are between both of you. There is a crack in the foundation. You need to find out where it is and what it is caused by in order to fix the foundation. Otherwise, the relationship collapses.
The porn didn't cause that.
this relationship will not last if you are crying because he has been watching porn and can't get over it. You have to either choose to let it go and move on or it's going to crumble by your own doing. That's on you to learn to adequately deal with problems besides just being sad over them. It solves nothing to cry and be sad. Sure, they are emotions and you are entitled to them but don't let them rule your day or decisions.
I'm wondering about depression for you as well. Could you have some issues with depression?
I would guess that the porn triggers bad memories for you as well as an easy thing to blame for the lack of closeness between you and your husband. If that is the case, he needs intensive therapy/in patient or out patient psychiatric help as it is then an addiction OR it is just easier to blame something like that than the real problems. I suggest looking below the surface for the real issues to see what you can do to move past the porn and into a happier place as a couple.
Often a marriage counselor will help that. And if he won't go, you can start by going alone.
I know it is hard stuff. But you have to decide if you want to give a valiant effort for this to work or not. It may or it may not, but I'd definitely try my hardest if I had a family with someone and loved them. good luck
But the problems of lack of closeness are between both of you. There is a crack in the foundation. You need to find out where it is and what it is caused by in order to fix the foundation. Otherwise, the relationship collapses.
The porn didn't cause that.
this relationship will not last if you are crying because he has been watching porn and can't get over it. You have to either choose to let it go and move on or it's going to crumble by your own doing. That's on you to learn to adequately deal with problems besides just being sad over them. It solves nothing to cry and be sad. Sure, they are emotions and you are entitled to them but don't let them rule your day or decisions.
I'm wondering about depression for you as well. Could you have some issues with depression?
I would guess that the porn triggers bad memories for you as well as an easy thing to blame for the lack of closeness between you and your husband. If that is the case, he needs intensive therapy/in patient or out patient psychiatric help as it is then an addiction OR it is just easier to blame something like that than the real problems. I suggest looking below the surface for the real issues to see what you can do to move past the porn and into a happier place as a couple.
Often a marriage counselor will help that. And if he won't go, you can start by going alone.
I know it is hard stuff. But you have to decide if you want to give a valiant effort for this to work or not. It may or it may not, but I'd definitely try my hardest if I had a family with someone and loved them. good luck
I thought About marriage counseling but he doesn't think that stuff works. He says he will never do it again, he forgot how much that hurt me. He said he will be honest with me. I am glad he told me the truth and was honest. But for me i have my own battle to fight, this has been going on for years behind my back and my pain isn't just going to go away over night. I just don't know how to forgive how to stop crying all the time
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think it is definitely a problem if you are not intimate together. Lots of men do enjoy porn as it is an 'easy' release. In honesty, I'd not discuss the porn as if it were the root of all evil but instead talk about how the two of you can be closer. He's afraid of your reactions to things it sounds. I understand how you feel about porn but do know that if someone feels 'mothered' they are going to rebel.
I also believe that a woman has a right to ask her partner for certain things. If you find porn distasteful and he agrees, then you can ask him to not use it. If he can't stop, he should see a counselor. If he is using it to 'escape' or 'avoid' he needs to address that. Otherwise, he may give up the porn but pick up another bad habit to continue the emotional escape he got from it.
But the real problem for the TWO of YOU is the lack of intimacy and connection. Issues such of this can be fixed if both partners are willing to work on it. He'll have to get out of his comfort zone of avoiding closeness and you will have to get over past hurt of what your ex and he has done. Otherwise, you'll punish him and he'll go further into his withdrawal from you.
Marriage counseling something you two would consider??
I also believe that a woman has a right to ask her partner for certain things. If you find porn distasteful and he agrees, then you can ask him to not use it. If he can't stop, he should see a counselor. If he is using it to 'escape' or 'avoid' he needs to address that. Otherwise, he may give up the porn but pick up another bad habit to continue the emotional escape he got from it.
But the real problem for the TWO of YOU is the lack of intimacy and connection. Issues such of this can be fixed if both partners are willing to work on it. He'll have to get out of his comfort zone of avoiding closeness and you will have to get over past hurt of what your ex and he has done. Otherwise, you'll punish him and he'll go further into his withdrawal from you.
Marriage counseling something you two would consider??
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