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Relationship Advice please
With the mother of my two kids 12 years, the last 5 have been sex-less and very little contact, meaning kissing or hugging, probably once maybe twice!
Not really sure what to do, we live together, she doesnt work she picks up the kids and does that kind of thing, I work full time, just wondering is this a normal situation, living with someone but having zero relationship and zero interest in having one from both parties!
I must admit when I was younger I didnt think this was it :), I was always hoping for one day to fall in love and get married, but instead I live with someone that doesnt really like me that much but she will pretend that things are OK, but if I ask, yes I ask for sex she laughs and tells me to go pull myself! I am really starting to miss the part of a relationship that involves hugging, kissing, sex, general liking being around the person, which I have none off, at the start when we first met things were great, but the last 6 years its like living with a cousin that I dont really get on that well with.
Just wondering anyone else in this situation and any advice you may have, our kids are very happy but know that mummy doesnt love daddy but they are spoiled with so much love and seem very happy, 8 & 3 years
Not really sure what to do, we live together, she doesnt work she picks up the kids and does that kind of thing, I work full time, just wondering is this a normal situation, living with someone but having zero relationship and zero interest in having one from both parties!
I must admit when I was younger I didnt think this was it :), I was always hoping for one day to fall in love and get married, but instead I live with someone that doesnt really like me that much but she will pretend that things are OK, but if I ask, yes I ask for sex she laughs and tells me to go pull myself! I am really starting to miss the part of a relationship that involves hugging, kissing, sex, general liking being around the person, which I have none off, at the start when we first met things were great, but the last 6 years its like living with a cousin that I dont really get on that well with.
Just wondering anyone else in this situation and any advice you may have, our kids are very happy but know that mummy doesnt love daddy but they are spoiled with so much love and seem very happy, 8 & 3 years
you have kids ..2nd important phase of life....she is so busy in kids ...that she cant realize that in the whole situation you are ignored by her...just hold her and tell her to stop for one second ..and then kiss her and talk to her about this..tell her that you need her..you still love her....tell her that ,over and over!!!
Dude how much longer are you going to live like that? I mean are you wanting to be unhappy for the rest of your life? I know change can be scary but you need to come up with a 6 month plan and get of this messed up marriage. She can't force you to stay with her. Just imagine how good your life will be without her!.
Communication!!!! Talk to her! Ask her why. Tell her what you want. Does she hate or resent you? If not then you still have a chance to change things. If so then you might want to contemplate splitting up and moving on. Once the respect is gone, it's time to move on!
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just had our usually fight, telling me I am not a real man? im just a loser, which i find very funny :) so i just laugh! I asked her to move out in the new year, and she just laughed at me
I hate to bring this up but I have to keep it real with you. The first thing I thought was maybe she was getting it somewhere else? Are you 100% positive she is not cheating on you because that is a really long time wo sex. Also it seems like your wife is no longer attracted to you. You must try hard to make her feel special and good about herself and at the same time do what you did in the beginning that made her attracted to you in the first place. Good Luck
"Hope Springs" is a start maybe to the conversation regarding therapy. I'm praying for the change you seek.
There are many reasons why a women stops being intimate. One reason that's embarrassing to talk about is the obvious. Men can be involved with a women and have no problem having an orgasm, while often, women stop themselves from making the demand of having equal pay for equal work (in the bedroom just like the boardroom). The draw for sex can dwindle and die pretty quickly when that happens. It takes work from both parties to make sure that all things are fair and equitable in the bedroom. Another reason can be that men can experience problems with keeping a full erection (with age and medical issues) At that time a women can "quit" the process because it's too hard to deal with. These reasons are in addition to a women having a focus on their role in motherhood, and having less time for sex in their minds. It can be very complicated, and often both parties are hesitant thinking that they have lost interest. As you said in your post, "is this a normal situation, living with someone but having zero relationship and zero interest in having one from both parties! " So if you want things to change, you need to rethink how you communicate in the attempts to get you closer. It DOES MATTER TO YOU THAT YOU ARE INTIMATE WITH YOUR PARTNER. YOU DO WANT THINGS TO CHANGE. YOU HAVE A 100% INTEREST IN HAVING A PHYSICALLY EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL CONNECTION WITH YOUR PARTNER. SAY IT PROUD.~ I AM 100% SURE THAT SHE HAS THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU , EVEN IF SHE SAYS THAT SHE DOESN'T. (UNLESS SHE NEVER ENJOYED HAVING SEX WITH YOU,) But i'm thinking that she did enjoy having a physical relationship with you,~
Bottom line, there;s a chance you can change this. Get comfortable talking in terms of her being able to enjoy the experience as much as you, and you have a chance to change things. I'm pretty sure of it anyways. Might as well give it a shot and show you care. You can always move on, but it will be difficult if you find that you regret not doing all it takes. And, it's a very sensitive subject, If you can talk to a therapist prior to your and your wife's attendance, you can learn how to talk about the subject using prompts from the therapist who studies this subject in full.
Bottom line, there;s a chance you can change this. Get comfortable talking in terms of her being able to enjoy the experience as much as you, and you have a chance to change things. I'm pretty sure of it anyways. Might as well give it a shot and show you care. You can always move on, but it will be difficult if you find that you regret not doing all it takes. And, it's a very sensitive subject, If you can talk to a therapist prior to your and your wife's attendance, you can learn how to talk about the subject using prompts from the therapist who studies this subject in full.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. I'm sorry you are unhappy. I wonder if there is any way that she also wants to rekindle things but is uncomfortable. A bit of distance between a couple can make it like this. Add on young children . . . it's tiring. I know when my kiddos were little, it was hard for me to feel 'in the mood'. I also had little ones clinging to me all the time so cuddling with the hubs just wasn't a priority, I'm sad to say. How does she react if you offer to give her a little neck or back rub? or if you reach out to her a bit? Does she pull away? Have you verbalized that you'd like more of this kind of contact?
I know that we can get awful caught up in childcare. I rarely felt sexy. I also was trying to get used to my post kids body. The most romantic thing my husband could do for me was take the kids for a few hours while I read a book or even better, vacuum the living room for me! But I came out of that. It was awkward at first. My husband made it easy on me. Compliments, slow on the expectations as I got my groove back, etc.
So, your partner very well may want to rekindle it too but is trying to get her energy and groove back, trying to be everything to everyone. Talk to her about it .
And in truth, this is such a common phenomenon that my moms group that I belonged to brought in a speaker about it. This happens to a lot of couples when raising little ones especially more than one. That therapist gave us all sorts of ideas on how to work on it. So, don't feel alone. Hopefully it doesn't stay this way and you can keep your family together with her. Good luck and best wishes
I know that we can get awful caught up in childcare. I rarely felt sexy. I also was trying to get used to my post kids body. The most romantic thing my husband could do for me was take the kids for a few hours while I read a book or even better, vacuum the living room for me! But I came out of that. It was awkward at first. My husband made it easy on me. Compliments, slow on the expectations as I got my groove back, etc.
So, your partner very well may want to rekindle it too but is trying to get her energy and groove back, trying to be everything to everyone. Talk to her about it .
And in truth, this is such a common phenomenon that my moms group that I belonged to brought in a speaker about it. This happens to a lot of couples when raising little ones especially more than one. That therapist gave us all sorts of ideas on how to work on it. So, don't feel alone. Hopefully it doesn't stay this way and you can keep your family together with her. Good luck and best wishes
2 Comments
Thanks for the replies
@specialmum - "How does she react if you offer to give her a little neck or back rub? " Pretty sure she would not like that, as when I hug her she always makes a face and kissing is basically out of the question, but she seems happy, but then again she has no worries, everything is paid for, she lives in a lovely house and has own credit card, so I guess she is happy in that respect, I have asked her if she has never dreamed of getting married and falling in love and she said "nope". I have been telling her for 6 years that I would like a normal relationship but for that you need some contact, and this is impossible! I Compliment her every single day but have never received one back :)
@specialmum - "How does she react if you offer to give her a little neck or back rub? " Pretty sure she would not like that, as when I hug her she always makes a face and kissing is basically out of the question, but she seems happy, but then again she has no worries, everything is paid for, she lives in a lovely house and has own credit card, so I guess she is happy in that respect, I have asked her if she has never dreamed of getting married and falling in love and she said "nope". I have been telling her for 6 years that I would like a normal relationship but for that you need some contact, and this is impossible! I Compliment her every single day but have never received one back :)
Well i'm really sad to hear that your wife seems to be unappreciative of your efforts (since you've never received a complement and she is living well from your hard work). Did you see the movie Hope Springs,with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones? About an older couple going for marriage counseling.?
(In 2012, Streep and Jones play a middle-aged couple, who attend a week of intensive marriage counseling to try to bring back the intimacy missing in their relationship. Reviews for the film were mostly positive, with critics praising the "mesmerizing performances [...] which offer filmgoers some grown-up laughs – and a thoughtful look at mature relationships" )
I think that you need to give marriage counseling a shot. It's a hard thing to talk about , no doubt, but nothing ever happens with due diligence. It might be that intensive marriage counseling for you two may result in you both going your separate ways but at least you'll have done all you can think of before you move on.and in doing so, you will find closure. It might also give you and she a chance to work things out. Stranger things have happened.
(In 2012, Streep and Jones play a middle-aged couple, who attend a week of intensive marriage counseling to try to bring back the intimacy missing in their relationship. Reviews for the film were mostly positive, with critics praising the "mesmerizing performances [...] which offer filmgoers some grown-up laughs – and a thoughtful look at mature relationships" )
I think that you need to give marriage counseling a shot. It's a hard thing to talk about , no doubt, but nothing ever happens with due diligence. It might be that intensive marriage counseling for you two may result in you both going your separate ways but at least you'll have done all you can think of before you move on.and in doing so, you will find closure. It might also give you and she a chance to work things out. Stranger things have happened.
I guess I would call a spade a spade and move out, but stay close. A couple I know lived very close by each other, so the kids could come home from school to the guy's house (he worked an early shift) and after dinner, they would go to their mom's house to do homework and go to bed (she worked 9 to 5). They did this for YEARS, even after both remarried.
This would mean your ex would have to get a job, of course, but she is probably capable of doing so.
You might make this arrangement for when the 3-year-old starts school. The only thing is, once you begin to think of it, you will want it, and the last thing you need is drama over one of you or the other falling for someone else when you are all ostensibly living together as a family.
Don't let the kids go into their formative years thinking it is all right to have a loveless relationship.
This would mean your ex would have to get a job, of course, but she is probably capable of doing so.
You might make this arrangement for when the 3-year-old starts school. The only thing is, once you begin to think of it, you will want it, and the last thing you need is drama over one of you or the other falling for someone else when you are all ostensibly living together as a family.
Don't let the kids go into their formative years thinking it is all right to have a loveless relationship.
before someone says anything, sexless, we had sex once 3 years ago which was not something i want to remember but we wanted a brother or sister for current child!
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