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Relationship Advise Please
Hi, I'm hoping some of you can give me your view on this issue and I can make some progress.
I have a girlfriend , we for 7 years, we have a 4 year old son who I love more then life. In the past 2 years we have fell out of love with each other and sometimes their is abusive talk. We have not had sex in 13 months and have no interest in having sex with each other, there is no sexual attraction, my girlfriend treats me fairly bad I would think, some examples; she never says she loves me, never hugs me, doesn't want to talk to me when I get home after working for 11 hours, doesn't want to have sex with me, kiss me nothing, she says quite hurtful things to me on a daily basic, she has no problem living in my flat or asking me for money though, she is a stay at home mother so she is minding our child. She sees no future with us but says she likes to stay here because we have a nice flat and laughs at me, she also talks about her X also which was 10 years ago and other crap. The thing is I put up with all this mental abuse because I don't want my baby to grow up without me with her every step of the way, and I don't want my g/f living me someone else in the future and my baby been mistreated by another guy. So what do I do I have accepted that my life is crap but I am willing to sacrifice it for my baby.
Any advise would be great as I think life should be better then this!
Thanks
I have a girlfriend , we for 7 years, we have a 4 year old son who I love more then life. In the past 2 years we have fell out of love with each other and sometimes their is abusive talk. We have not had sex in 13 months and have no interest in having sex with each other, there is no sexual attraction, my girlfriend treats me fairly bad I would think, some examples; she never says she loves me, never hugs me, doesn't want to talk to me when I get home after working for 11 hours, doesn't want to have sex with me, kiss me nothing, she says quite hurtful things to me on a daily basic, she has no problem living in my flat or asking me for money though, she is a stay at home mother so she is minding our child. She sees no future with us but says she likes to stay here because we have a nice flat and laughs at me, she also talks about her X also which was 10 years ago and other crap. The thing is I put up with all this mental abuse because I don't want my baby to grow up without me with her every step of the way, and I don't want my g/f living me someone else in the future and my baby been mistreated by another guy. So what do I do I have accepted that my life is crap but I am willing to sacrifice it for my baby.
Any advise would be great as I think life should be better then this!
Thanks
your child needs you but for all the right reasons. Will she/he love you more or less if they knew why you had to leave. only you are responsible for your happiness. To be honest i think she might still love you but from experience it is impossible for someone to love if they do not love themselves. She may dislike how she is living, a stay at home wife living off you. Give her some freedom, encourage to do something she likes and take your child for a couple hours a week. She may need some independence. Women have funny ways of asking for what they want they would rather put us down.
Talk to her if their is no compromise for the sake of your child, leave . Absence makes the heart grow fonder and she will soon stop taking you for granted
Talk to her if their is no compromise for the sake of your child, leave . Absence makes the heart grow fonder and she will soon stop taking you for granted
Man, you're in quite the pickle. I've got mixed emotions on this, so I don't know if what I'll say can be of any help. I'll start with staying together for the sake of the child.
Children are far more receptive than we give them credit for. When there is obvious animosity between parents, there will probably be some arguments or fights, some mean things said, and the child sees that. Besides this, the child also sees the separation of the parents.... not being together, acting together, sleeping together.... and the kids pick up on that vibe. As they grow and get friends, they see other parents behaving differently than their own. They see families that do everything together, and compare that to their family that does little together. They see the obvious love and admiration with other parents, and conversely do not see it at their home. (Kind of sets a precedent of settling for less, in my opinion.... the true happiness is not there, and the child picks up on that) I think personal trust issues are being instilled at this point. The child knows that his/her parents don't really like each other and are more or less miserable. Being miserable, they've settled for it.... and I think that can cause a child later in life to feel as if he/she "trapped" his/her parents and therefore made them miserable.
Splitting up on the other hand. Obviously this isn't the most ideal situation. Homes with both parents is more ideal, but even then there is no sure promise of raising a perfect child. With splitting up, I'm of the opinion that if both parents stay active in their relations with the child, the child can be raised totally healthy. Even though each parent has a different home, the child can see each parent as an individual, comfortable in their own skin, and therefore present 2 households where the love for the child takes precedence. Mom and dad fighting are not at the forefront. There is no obvious anger between the parents, and that's one less thing for a young active mind to worry about. Both parents will be able to prove to their child that although mom and dad live under different roofs, we both still love you more than anything in the world. Mom and dad might not get along, but that has nothing to do with you. Since mom and dad don't get along, dad has his place, mom has hers, and you can spend time equally between the two homes. (This works if the the split is amicable.) The child will pick up on that, and when the child is with one parent, the other can call and ask how the day went, what did you do, did you have fun, and then tell the child, I love you, have a good night and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I am not trying to advocate for either side, just trying to point out the obvious. If the parents are not happy with each other, the child will pick up on that. For me, there would be far too much stress pretending that everything is ok when it's really not. It would take a hell of an acting job to pull that off.... everything being ok when it isnt. Resentment and animosity only grows with time.
The decision is yours ultimately, but you owe it to your child to provide the healthiest relationship with that child, either together or apart. It can be done either way. Good luck to you.
Children are far more receptive than we give them credit for. When there is obvious animosity between parents, there will probably be some arguments or fights, some mean things said, and the child sees that. Besides this, the child also sees the separation of the parents.... not being together, acting together, sleeping together.... and the kids pick up on that vibe. As they grow and get friends, they see other parents behaving differently than their own. They see families that do everything together, and compare that to their family that does little together. They see the obvious love and admiration with other parents, and conversely do not see it at their home. (Kind of sets a precedent of settling for less, in my opinion.... the true happiness is not there, and the child picks up on that) I think personal trust issues are being instilled at this point. The child knows that his/her parents don't really like each other and are more or less miserable. Being miserable, they've settled for it.... and I think that can cause a child later in life to feel as if he/she "trapped" his/her parents and therefore made them miserable.
Splitting up on the other hand. Obviously this isn't the most ideal situation. Homes with both parents is more ideal, but even then there is no sure promise of raising a perfect child. With splitting up, I'm of the opinion that if both parents stay active in their relations with the child, the child can be raised totally healthy. Even though each parent has a different home, the child can see each parent as an individual, comfortable in their own skin, and therefore present 2 households where the love for the child takes precedence. Mom and dad fighting are not at the forefront. There is no obvious anger between the parents, and that's one less thing for a young active mind to worry about. Both parents will be able to prove to their child that although mom and dad live under different roofs, we both still love you more than anything in the world. Mom and dad might not get along, but that has nothing to do with you. Since mom and dad don't get along, dad has his place, mom has hers, and you can spend time equally between the two homes. (This works if the the split is amicable.) The child will pick up on that, and when the child is with one parent, the other can call and ask how the day went, what did you do, did you have fun, and then tell the child, I love you, have a good night and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I am not trying to advocate for either side, just trying to point out the obvious. If the parents are not happy with each other, the child will pick up on that. For me, there would be far too much stress pretending that everything is ok when it's really not. It would take a hell of an acting job to pull that off.... everything being ok when it isnt. Resentment and animosity only grows with time.
The decision is yours ultimately, but you owe it to your child to provide the healthiest relationship with that child, either together or apart. It can be done either way. Good luck to you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm very sorry to hear this. Fingers crossed that it will get better in the near future. I think being a parent is the toughest job there is--------- the sacrifices one must make for our children. You are making a HUGE one and I admire you very much. May good things always come to you from now on. Peace.
Hi, and thanks for your comments I agree with everything you said, I will give up my happiness for the sake of my kid, he is very attached to me and I cant imagine not been here for him in the evenings when I get back from work, the only thing is I think in the future she will want to find someone else so we will see... but I will stay until that day arrives then again she might not as she has a very easy life with me and I know she likes that.
We were engaged but after time and the kid it was a case of no we wont get married it wont work..
We were engaged but after time and the kid it was a case of no we wont get married it wont work..
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am going to be honest. I actually think it is noble to stay for your child. I don't wish this kind of relationship on anyone, but your child does need you. People say all the time that a couple that is unhappy shouldn't stay together for the kids . . . I actually don't believe that. Most kids-------- if there is not addiction or volatile fighting-------- WANT mom and dad together. Even if they aren't always happy---------- they want their family intact. So, my recomendation to you is to keep your unhappiness away from your child. Don't engage in fighting with her. Enjoy your son and any outside hobbies you have as well as friends.
I don't give up on anything--------- and if you once loved each other, maybe she would be willing to try in earnest to reconnect as a couple.
This is a really hard situation and I feel almost guilty giving you advice to stay. But I do know that most kids have a hard time with seperation of parents. That is reality no matter what anyone tells you. I would suffer a lot for the sake of my kids.
But I hope that she tries harder and you two can work this out. Can you tell her that you'd like a 'real' relationship?? Not because you want to have sex but because you want to feel connected to her again?
Ugh. good luck (and I always recommend that a couple marry prior to having a child. Why didn't you two do that?)
I don't give up on anything--------- and if you once loved each other, maybe she would be willing to try in earnest to reconnect as a couple.
This is a really hard situation and I feel almost guilty giving you advice to stay. But I do know that most kids have a hard time with seperation of parents. That is reality no matter what anyone tells you. I would suffer a lot for the sake of my kids.
But I hope that she tries harder and you two can work this out. Can you tell her that you'd like a 'real' relationship?? Not because you want to have sex but because you want to feel connected to her again?
Ugh. good luck (and I always recommend that a couple marry prior to having a child. Why didn't you two do that?)
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