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Relationship Issues, cheating, are we getting back together?
Teenage love. I am at the age of 16 (17 in december) and the girl of my dreams is 14. Her and i have been close for 3years and after her being there for me through many heartbreaks, we thought it was our turn to get together. This year our relationship started with a bloom on the 25th of January, 2012. Then ended on the 3rd of october (7months, 1week and 3days). As she cheated on me with another guy on, saturday AND sunday, and blames it to be 'intoxicated' although she only drank on saturday...
Since then, we have been trying to sort things out, we've had close encounters and snuggling time while watching movies etc. But everytime i ask for us to resume our relationship and get back together, she rejects me and says 'Not yet, i need this time apart to make myself better for you' 'Just let it flow and things will sort itself out' I dont understand, does this mean she wants me back and really is taking this time to improve herself? or is she just leading me on until i fall out of love with her. We had a healthy great relationship, with the occasional mini fights. Whilst i cried for a whole week, yes even at school, she put on a 'brave face' and i never saw her cry... Could someone please help me? Am i in for a heartbreak or perfect relationship? (it's only been one week since we broke up)
Since then, we have been trying to sort things out, we've had close encounters and snuggling time while watching movies etc. But everytime i ask for us to resume our relationship and get back together, she rejects me and says 'Not yet, i need this time apart to make myself better for you' 'Just let it flow and things will sort itself out' I dont understand, does this mean she wants me back and really is taking this time to improve herself? or is she just leading me on until i fall out of love with her. We had a healthy great relationship, with the occasional mini fights. Whilst i cried for a whole week, yes even at school, she put on a 'brave face' and i never saw her cry... Could someone please help me? Am i in for a heartbreak or perfect relationship? (it's only been one week since we broke up)
What I think is even more shocking than the drinking is the fact that a 14 year old is having sex!!
My daughter is 14. I know where she is at all times. She is not allowed anywhere where there are no parents. She went to a party the Saturday before school started. I went by the party two hours into it just to be sure. I tell her that if she wants privacy, she can have it as soon as she leaves home. Until then, she is my responsibility!
So, where are the parents??
As for her, really stop and think...Do you want a girlfriend that has already slept around? And she's feeding you a whole pile of BS. She does t want to be better for you, she wants to find better than you.
Stay strong, and make her regret everything. You deserve way better.
My daughter is 14. I know where she is at all times. She is not allowed anywhere where there are no parents. She went to a party the Saturday before school started. I went by the party two hours into it just to be sure. I tell her that if she wants privacy, she can have it as soon as she leaves home. Until then, she is my responsibility!
So, where are the parents??
As for her, really stop and think...Do you want a girlfriend that has already slept around? And she's feeding you a whole pile of BS. She does t want to be better for you, she wants to find better than you.
Stay strong, and make her regret everything. You deserve way better.
Well, if it would be possible for a crying 16-year-old to notice in a rational way that he chose someone who is not living up to a certain standard and that would make him able to walk away calmly, then I would say certainly he should think about the fact that she is not living a high-quality life. I just think that to break the hold of her attraction by pointing at her flaws, either it wouldn't work at all (if he did it too rationally) because it would be too mild to make an impression, or it would have to morph into anger, indignance, blame and hate, to become strong enough to overcome his dramatic lost-love heartbreak.
I agree that one should have high standards for one's friends. It ties in to acting in a dignified way, since one's friends often lead one down the merry path into idiotic behavior that one would not possibly have thought of without them, or one's impressive friends who are emotionally grounded and together, give one good examples. But it seems to me that when someone has given all their power away to another (who is in fact not acting very interested), the person will get better long-term value by analyzing why they are giving away all their personal power than by calling the other names. Even if they had the tendency to make a good person the key to their happiness, they should question the tendency to make someone else the entire center of their world to the exclusion of their own self-preservation instinct. Of course, they should be especially questioning this tendency when the person is demonstrably unworthy.
So maybe the two things loop into each other, in that if it is impossible to maintain a sense of self when in a relationship with a particular other, that should be enough to question what is going on, and either to regain one's footing or to end it.
I agree that one should have high standards for one's friends. It ties in to acting in a dignified way, since one's friends often lead one down the merry path into idiotic behavior that one would not possibly have thought of without them, or one's impressive friends who are emotionally grounded and together, give one good examples. But it seems to me that when someone has given all their power away to another (who is in fact not acting very interested), the person will get better long-term value by analyzing why they are giving away all their personal power than by calling the other names. Even if they had the tendency to make a good person the key to their happiness, they should question the tendency to make someone else the entire center of their world to the exclusion of their own self-preservation instinct. Of course, they should be especially questioning this tendency when the person is demonstrably unworthy.
So maybe the two things loop into each other, in that if it is impossible to maintain a sense of self when in a relationship with a particular other, that should be enough to question what is going on, and either to regain one's footing or to end it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
No anniebrooke but the pattern of not choosing quality people to be with will hinder him. That is why I originally mentioned it because a young girl that drinks and has sex with random people probably isn't 'girlfriend' material. And the sooner a young person realizes that we need to hold people to high standards, the better off they will be. Then they aren't doormats or getting what they asked for by being with someone that isn't the 'greatest catch'. that's why I menitoned it because I would like to see him rule OUT people that aren't awesome individuals in terms of the choices they make.
I always think we could see the writing on the wall early on in a relationship if we choose someone that doesn't live by a certain standard. (again, speaking of her getting drunk, cheating and saying it was because she was intoxicated, etc.). Why pine away for someone like that?
I always think we could see the writing on the wall early on in a relationship if we choose someone that doesn't live by a certain standard. (again, speaking of her getting drunk, cheating and saying it was because she was intoxicated, etc.). Why pine away for someone like that?
I didn't say anything about the drinking because the original poster is asking how to stop crying and how to stop hurting over someone he likes who doesn't apparently like him as much back. He needs to get back to the place where he is not continuously drawn to her like a magnet. Maybe it is possible to get there by putting her down, but he needs to learn to trust in his own sense of self, not paste it over with blame and anger directed at her. He needs to be in balance and this would be true if she were in a convent or at a bar. His dramatization of teenage love, and how askew it has knocked him, is his problem, and I don't think vilifying another person is his pathway out of that.
Hey, i'm really sorry about everything you've gone through. I'm 15 and I know people say oh you're to young to fall in love, how can you like someone so much at such a young age. But I can relate to your situation and how you're feeling. It is really upsetting and makes you feel terrible. Honest opinion, agreed with everyone above, she drinks at the age of 14? That's pretty disgusting, if she did it once, more than likely she'll do it again, a cheater never changes its spots. If she really liked you she wouldn't have done what she did, and as you said you've never seen her cry, possibly could be because she hasn't and is just stringing you along because she's young and beleieve's she will find someone better. (Mind you, you sound like a good kid.)
I'm really really sorry about everything, try and keep yourself busy to focus on other things rather than this girl, if you want to talk about anything or need advice just message me anytime.
- Rianna. :-)
I'm really really sorry about everything, try and keep yourself busy to focus on other things rather than this girl, if you want to talk about anything or need advice just message me anytime.
- Rianna. :-)
You are right SpecialMom, we DID kinda, sorta get off topic. I admit to being sensitive to the issue of teenage drinking because of where it took my Son.
Thank You, NurseGirl6572, for Your condolence.
SpecialMom - I will move on now.
Thank You, NurseGirl6572, for Your condolence.
SpecialMom - I will move on now.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Let's stay on topic, all of us. We've all shared our view on drinking of teens and that is a heated topic that all are entitled to feel as they do.
As to our poster, she doesn't sound like a quality girl and I'll leave it at that. good luck
As to our poster, she doesn't sound like a quality girl and I'll leave it at that. good luck
And, Tink, I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, how tragic, yet sadly an example that kids DO start drinking and experimenting with alcohol and drugs at an age we couldn't begin to imagine.
So very sorry for your loss.
So very sorry for your loss.
Tink...of course it's dangerous, of course it's awful, and I would hope no one assumed by my post that I am in agreement with it. My point was that young teens drink. Do ALL kids drink? Of course not. Do kids as young as 14 drink? You betcha. How do I know? Because luckily my daughter is one of those kids who tells me EVERYTHING she hears from her peers....sometimes to the point where I cringe. I think it's not as common at 14 as it may be at 16 or 17, but it's happening.
And, as far as the kids growing and developing, sure they are...they do that into their early 20's.
Also, today's "14" was our "16" or "17"...kids are in a huge hurry to grow up, they are PHYSICALLY developing faster (my daughter started her menses at 9!!!)...between technology and other factors, kids at 14 aren't the "14" we remember, not by a long shot.
Just because something is dangerous, or unacceptable (which you won't get any argument out of me...I agree 200%), doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
I think, thanks to stricter laws (DUI) and more education, I think less kids get into the drinking scene than did when WE were that age, but enough of them still are.
And, as far as the kids growing and developing, sure they are...they do that into their early 20's.
Also, today's "14" was our "16" or "17"...kids are in a huge hurry to grow up, they are PHYSICALLY developing faster (my daughter started her menses at 9!!!)...between technology and other factors, kids at 14 aren't the "14" we remember, not by a long shot.
Just because something is dangerous, or unacceptable (which you won't get any argument out of me...I agree 200%), doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
I think, thanks to stricter laws (DUI) and more education, I think less kids get into the drinking scene than did when WE were that age, but enough of them still are.
to Londres70
I did note that SpecialMom mentioned it in Her post - the point I was made the statement was there was not "much comment".
to nursegirl6572: no offense intended, but my opinion on this differs from Yours - I don't see it as a right of passage, I see it as DANGEROUS
I realize MANY kids drink at 14 (I didn't and MANY others don't - betcha SpecialMom didn't) but none the less it's a HUGE concern. Many Children develop alcoholism at a young age, many "smoke dope" and MANY of those become drug addicts. My own son killed HimSelf with a drug overdose almost 5 years ago. He also started drinking with the older "cool" neighbors down the street AT AGE 14!! If I had known this at the time and known that one day my Son would be dead I would have hung these people by their toes from the tree in my front yard until the blood exploded in their heads. I DO NOT consider it a "rite of passage". I consider it a SERIOUS and ALARMING thing for Children to do at age 14 when They are still developing and growing. Let's thank God for the ones who "experiment" and "get past it" but MANY do not. We have MANY adult alcoholics and drug addicts who began using as Children.
(and any adult who provides Kids with these substances should be charged with Child abuse and locked away forever)
I TOTALLY agree with SpecialMom's comment that "Kids shouldn't be drinking at 14, PERIOD." AND - I'm much relieved to hear that it's becoming "uncool" to be a drinker, drug user, to many of high school age.
I did note that SpecialMom mentioned it in Her post - the point I was made the statement was there was not "much comment".
to nursegirl6572: no offense intended, but my opinion on this differs from Yours - I don't see it as a right of passage, I see it as DANGEROUS
I realize MANY kids drink at 14 (I didn't and MANY others don't - betcha SpecialMom didn't) but none the less it's a HUGE concern. Many Children develop alcoholism at a young age, many "smoke dope" and MANY of those become drug addicts. My own son killed HimSelf with a drug overdose almost 5 years ago. He also started drinking with the older "cool" neighbors down the street AT AGE 14!! If I had known this at the time and known that one day my Son would be dead I would have hung these people by their toes from the tree in my front yard until the blood exploded in their heads. I DO NOT consider it a "rite of passage". I consider it a SERIOUS and ALARMING thing for Children to do at age 14 when They are still developing and growing. Let's thank God for the ones who "experiment" and "get past it" but MANY do not. We have MANY adult alcoholics and drug addicts who began using as Children.
(and any adult who provides Kids with these substances should be charged with Child abuse and locked away forever)
I TOTALLY agree with SpecialMom's comment that "Kids shouldn't be drinking at 14, PERIOD." AND - I'm much relieved to hear that it's becoming "uncool" to be a drinker, drug user, to many of high school age.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Kids shouldn't be drinking at 14 period. It's unacceptable and parents need to make that clear. Lucky----- my friends with highschool age kids report that it is becoming 'uncool' to be a drinker, drug user in high school. While some groups in high school still will drink and do drugs, many think those kids are losers. My theory is keep your kids active and have firm boundaries.
Side note to the discussion. I think this girl epitomizes exactly what I would be apalled to learn my daughter was doing. Drinking and performing sexual favors. Good lord.
Side note to the discussion. I think this girl epitomizes exactly what I would be apalled to learn my daughter was doing. Drinking and performing sexual favors. Good lord.
I couldn't agree more....she's NOT worth it...you can do FAR far better!!
And Tink, while kids shouldn't be drinking at 14 (or 15, 16), they do. It's life. Heck, most of us did it (I'm 40). That's just one of those rites of pasage, unfortunately. My daughter just turned 14 in June, her and I have been having discussions about alcohol, drugs, sex, for a couple years now. :0(
And Tink, while kids shouldn't be drinking at 14 (or 15, 16), they do. It's life. Heck, most of us did it (I'm 40). That's just one of those rites of pasage, unfortunately. My daughter just turned 14 in June, her and I have been having discussions about alcohol, drugs, sex, for a couple years now. :0(
P.S.
I'm SO surprised that all of us let Her "excuse" about cheating cuz She was intoxicated go by without much comment!! That's a BIG Red Flag as far as I'm concerned. NO ONE SHOULD BE DRINKING AT 14!!
You say "she was everything You wanted". I'm about to disallusion You on that statement: At age 14 one is barely past puberty, She's still GROWING mind, body and soul - It's possible She hasn't even finished physically growing yet!! Between the age 15 and 17 I grew another 2 inches!! I went from 4'10" to 5 feet even!! At 14, She's "incomplete" - She's not "done", She's an unbaked muffin!!
You too will make many changes between age 17 and 21 and even 30. Most likely You will find "the Girl of Your dreams" several times between now and then.
All this being said, I am sympathetic to Your feelings here but it's seems like "teenage heartbreak" is almost a "necessary" pain - it truely is part of growing and learning.
I'm SO surprised that all of us let Her "excuse" about cheating cuz She was intoxicated go by without much comment!! That's a BIG Red Flag as far as I'm concerned. NO ONE SHOULD BE DRINKING AT 14!!
You say "she was everything You wanted". I'm about to disallusion You on that statement: At age 14 one is barely past puberty, She's still GROWING mind, body and soul - It's possible She hasn't even finished physically growing yet!! Between the age 15 and 17 I grew another 2 inches!! I went from 4'10" to 5 feet even!! At 14, She's "incomplete" - She's not "done", She's an unbaked muffin!!
You too will make many changes between age 17 and 21 and even 30. Most likely You will find "the Girl of Your dreams" several times between now and then.
All this being said, I am sympathetic to Your feelings here but it's seems like "teenage heartbreak" is almost a "necessary" pain - it truely is part of growing and learning.
Do you have any hobbies or activities you can redirect your focus to?
It is important you try to redirect your focus off her and onto something else that is positive?
I would say it is normal to be sad and depressed because this is recent, but you need to try each day to redirect your thoughts off of this or it will drive you nuts and more depressed.
Go out with your other friends and have some good fun.
It is important you try to redirect your focus off her and onto something else that is positive?
I would say it is normal to be sad and depressed because this is recent, but you need to try each day to redirect your thoughts off of this or it will drive you nuts and more depressed.
Go out with your other friends and have some good fun.
WOW. not exactly the comments i wanted to hear about this situation, its rather depressing... All of my friends and adults around me all know of this situation and have all told me she is not worth it. Thank you guys/girls so much for helping me through this, i have been thinking alot about this, and yes i remember back when i was that age and how immature i was, i guess this is the same for her. I just really thought my heart would not get broken by this one, she was everything i ever wanted... And still every time i see her i ball my eyes out but yet i cant seem to stop talking to her, any suggestions to help get over her?
Thank you all again, so, SO much! This has put my mind at ease alot. BTW recently found out 3 guys in the last week have asked her for sexual encounters. I hate love, i really do.
Thank you all again, so, SO much! This has put my mind at ease alot. BTW recently found out 3 guys in the last week have asked her for sexual encounters. I hate love, i really do.
I agree with Those above also and while I know You don't want to hear this -14 years old is Very, VERY Young!! Who at 14 years could know, really know!! what they might want in later years? 14 is still Growing and Learning - We don't even have all our brain cells yet at age 14 - even Our Brain Cells are still Growing and Multiplying - how could anyone know at age 14 what/who/where they might want to be as adults. I know Your heart hurts because teen years are so emotional and so vulnerable to these learnings and feelings. But You need to realize that the teen years are for "learning", and not yet for "Knowing" how One might want to spend their ADULT years!! Do You remember How "young" You were at 14 compared to how much more "mature" You may feel now at almost 17??!!and even at 17 years old - You too, still have a lot of growing, learning ahead of You but STILL You are 3 YEARS ahead of Her. In these TeenAge Years a three YEAR spread is BIG, is HUGE!! Give Her time to Grow and Grow Up - the extra Years and Maturity will benefit You as well.
She needs this extra time to Grow and Learn and Mature and so do You!!
Good Luck
She needs this extra time to Grow and Learn and Mature and so do You!!
Good Luck
Agree with the wise women above.
Sorry dear, but this one is a "heartbreak."
This happened to my stepson. He is 16 now, but was 15 at the time. Surprising he came to me to get a woman's view of the situation and I told him to let his gf go and that he shouldn't wait around for her to mistreat him again. Plus, I told him I rather him not get involved in serious relationships at his age because they are usually too loaded with drama and immaturity on one or both parties involved. To add, he lost a friendship with a buddy/guy friend related to this nonsense.
You sound like a very nice and decent guy and I would say you deserve better. Sounds like you really care about her and all, BUT don't let this girl make a fool of you.
Sorry dear, but this one is a "heartbreak."
This happened to my stepson. He is 16 now, but was 15 at the time. Surprising he came to me to get a woman's view of the situation and I told him to let his gf go and that he shouldn't wait around for her to mistreat him again. Plus, I told him I rather him not get involved in serious relationships at his age because they are usually too loaded with drama and immaturity on one or both parties involved. To add, he lost a friendship with a buddy/guy friend related to this nonsense.
You sound like a very nice and decent guy and I would say you deserve better. Sounds like you really care about her and all, BUT don't let this girl make a fool of you.
Dean, she's leaving herself unattached and stringing you along until someone she thinks is better comes along. You never saw her cry because she really wasn't very upset.
Sorry, that's the honest truth.
You sound like a great guy. You can do better.
Sorry, that's the honest truth.
You sound like a great guy. You can do better.
Well, teenage love sums up your story pretty nicely. I think for your own sake, you should move on. Let's say she is not feeling it any more -- it is more dignified (as well as self-preserving) to let things drop and try to forget. Let's say she is confused -- it is more dignified to not hang around like a puppy hoping, hoping, hoping. Let's say she really thinks there might be hope for you guys sometime in the future -- that will be in a while, it's more dignified not to hang around now looking like you've lost something. So all the way around no matter how you end up when you're 21, it would be more dignified for you not to wallow in unrequited love and just pull yourself together. More attractive to her, too.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh dear. Well, first, let me tell you that we have forums for teenagers. You might want to check those out by going to the above toolbar and hitting forums. Then go to the left hand side under t.
I'll be honest. I am hoping that my kids at 14 and 16 are not this wrapped up in a 'relationship'. I hope they are into school, their friends, their sports and their hobbies.
So, you want a girl back that claims she got drunk (wow, that's super cool . . . NOT) and cheated on you two nights in a row? Where is your self esteem man? Where is your pride? You should not want a girl like that. Period. You should hold people to a high expectation . . . well, okay . . . a bare minimum of NOT Cheating on you.
So, if you choose to chase after her, pine away for her, etc. it is your choice. I could never advise you to do that.
I CAN advise you to throw yourself into school, your friends, sports and hobbies. Those are the BEST parts of being a teenager. Not a full blown relationship that has drama associated with it. THAT is my best advise for you. good luck
I'll be honest. I am hoping that my kids at 14 and 16 are not this wrapped up in a 'relationship'. I hope they are into school, their friends, their sports and their hobbies.
So, you want a girl back that claims she got drunk (wow, that's super cool . . . NOT) and cheated on you two nights in a row? Where is your self esteem man? Where is your pride? You should not want a girl like that. Period. You should hold people to a high expectation . . . well, okay . . . a bare minimum of NOT Cheating on you.
So, if you choose to chase after her, pine away for her, etc. it is your choice. I could never advise you to do that.
I CAN advise you to throw yourself into school, your friends, sports and hobbies. Those are the BEST parts of being a teenager. Not a full blown relationship that has drama associated with it. THAT is my best advise for you. good luck
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