Relationship disaster - sadness, confusion and guilt - please help!

[chariot]

Hi everyone;

I guess I should start at...well....the beginning....

So I began a new job in 2005, where I met Scott.  I was 21 when I met him and he was 27.  He doesn't have the greatest reputation - when I first met him I thought he was a 'player'.  This girl, Alexis, always warned me about him, and so did his close friend, George.  Told me that it was a bad idea, to stay away from him, and that he wasn't good to his previous girlfriends and wouldnt be good to me.  Although we got very close, he never wanted to be boyfriend-girlfriend.  As I got to know him better, he was very secretive about everything he did.  He used to post on this dating website forum and he would flirt with girls, but always told me it was nothing, he was just joking around, and these girls lived like an hour away.  Anyway so with that combined with Alexis and George's comments made me suspicious of him.  I knew he was going on a cottage trip with his guy friends, and thought it was a bit weird that it was just the guys but he insisted that was true, so I tried to believe him.  Anyway the suspicion got the best of me, and I figured out his email password and read his emails.  Turns out that there are girls going on this cottage trip, although he denied it many times. I also read emails from girls from the website, sending them nude pictures or saying sexual comments.  I also read him calling other girls names like 'dollface' - things he told me he only said to special girls.  Right away I told him that it was over, and didn't tell him I went into his mail.  (continued)

[Choupie]

I met this guy about 7 years from now. He is just the perfect person. Understanding, caring, generous, and intelligent. We started going out at a period of time when I was just dealing with some family issues. My parents were separating. He was there through all the bad times and truly committed himself to me.
The problem is that I don't think I am in love with him. I care for him, I care for his success and well being but after our on again off again relationship of 7 years in which we were living apart for about 4 years. (him being in another city, 4 hours by plane). I have cheated on him and felt like we should separate. But he still regardless wants me in his life.
I feel guilty about all the stuff I did behind his back and I don,t know what do right now. I feel like all my friends are telling me that there isn't anything out there. That I am lucky to have a man who knows and wants to take care of me, wants to have a family and loves me.
I have tried going to the psychologist to see if she could enlighten me in my decision making. I have tried to leave him which was weird to do since we were  on a long distance relationship because whenever i would see him, we would go back together instantly . Now I just moved with him and at first i told him we would see how it goes and give us a chance, but now that he wants to have kids and really is family oriented, i don't know what to do because i still don't feel love... I feel loved and because i'm 30 i doubt i would find a man that would love me like he does.

Thank you for your help ... I don,t know what to do

[anxiousmomtobe?]

He is a bad man.  He is a player a manipulator and a total waste of your time.  Kick his sorry ass to the curb and move on.  Don't be a fool and let this guy continue to use you.

[broke123]

ima be harsh again hehe =P

i swear i just wanna shake u and smack some sense into u.
this is a clasical emotional abuse case. he does *bad* things to you, to hurt u AND MAKES U FEEL LIKE U HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM. r u kiddin me??? spit in his face and walk away =P

n bealive me i know where u comin from i used to be the type to "ohhhh he loves me his gonna change, i can make him change, only if i try a little harder...." sounds familiar??

it feels A LOT BETTER to take control of your feelings. stop being his door mat. this guy must be really hot lol

u know when a husband hits his wife, he will always apologize and be all nice and cute. how many times u hear one of those women to say its was her fault that he dislocated her jaw and pushed her down the stairs.

emotional abuse it just as bad, and thats wat his doin to you. waaaaaaaaaaaaaalk away. let him do it to sum other idiot. not u!
u gotta know that u r better than that. and will be his loss not urs! ;)

[Trialanderror]

This is a line from a book called "Red Flags - how to know when you`re dating a loser": "The Player - getting attached to this person will lead to many nights of disappointment and eventually being made a fool of when you are told there was really never a committment...." Players want to look good in front of their male friends. Save your professional life and distance yourself from him. If he acts this way at 29, he is really a lost case.

[chariot]

thank you everyone - and i NEED you to be harsh - i need to hear it!!  what makes it so hard is that everyone tells me how much he likes me, and he tells me that those girls he talks to on the internet are nothing, just internet friends, and that i mean a lot to him.  its especially hard because he says that the reson everything is messed up is because i broke into his email, and if I had never done that in the first place maybe we would be bf-gf now.  and i know I'm stupid - I keep apologizing to him for everything, but I kind of feel like going into his email was justified given all the stuff people were saying to me about him.. but he makes me feel like its all my fault :(

[broke123]

im sorry for bein harsh.. but hellooo?! he is using u.
what ever hapened to self respect? u dont think u deserve better than that??
i guess noone really learns until they go through being treated like ****, and when they get a little older and weiser cant understand how they could have been so stupid.
drop this guy. take the high road and make him cry for u.
guys have nutin more than bein dumped and easily replaced.
i say u should just stop talkin to him. suk it up and like it doesnt bother u anymore. he'll go crazy. but the trick is not to take him back when he begs u.
u will feel so much stronger.
and i say get sumone else. sumone who treats u right, sumone who treats u the way u deserve.
by all means, lose this loser!

[sparkeler]

Listen to that song by Beyonce.  Make him think he's replaceable.  Guys love girls who are cocky & confident.

[sparkeler]

Yea.  He's playing games with you.  He has you wrapped around his slimy little finger & he knows it.  He has no respect for you.  There is no real advice anyone can give you except WAKE UP & the guy is all yours?  Reading through all that dating email & dealing with girls calling his phone must be emotionally draining.  Why would you do this to yourself especially if your not even *special* enough to be called his girlfriend?  Where's the other guy you made out with? Is he single?   This guy is crazy to try and make you feel bad for kissing another man & your even crazier for feeling that way.  Either be with a guy thats worth it or stay single.  This guy is so not worth all the emotional torture this is causing you.  Life is too damn short.

[RockRose]

Someday,  Chariot,  you're going to be sitting around a table drinking a glass of wine with a bunch of girlfriends and the topic of losers you used to date will come up.

You can tell this story.  ;D  Especially the part about if you hadn't messed everything up by going into his email account,  you'd be his girlfriend by now.    And everyone will laugh with you.   ;D  

Best wishes to you -

[simbacatz]

Don't let him get to you, he is just making you feel guilty for his on faults. He says that its okay to talk dirty/look at the girls on the internet, what would he think if you talk dirty/look at guys on internet/phone? He is a BIG player. I agree with the other posts, don't talk to him,ignore him, and that will really eat him alive inside. Be very careful, you don't wanna catch any STDs now. Goodluck with whatever you decide to do.

[slow_healer]

You'd be surprised how often a cheating partner tries to convince their faithful partner that it's THEIR fault. I had this happen to me and I believed it for a while. The only solution was to cut off all contact with this jerk because I realized what kind of a person he was turning me into - low self-esteem, withdrawn, and miserable.

Don't let someone else tell you who you are or have to be. This guy telling you that you're "just like all the others" - he's trying to convince you you're as insensitive as he is (when in truth, you're obviously a sensitive and caring person). Don't listen to him! The more you absorb his negative feelings, the better he feels about the slimy things he's been doing. If a person never has to take responsibility for what they do, they never feel guilty about it. If you're taking responsibility for his actions all the time, he's never going to change.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he'll leave you before he changes. Stand up for yourself, send him packing, and reclaim who you are. And if you feel lost, remember that it can take a long time to figure out who you are - just like it does when you're getting over a breakup. Good luck!

[confused1031]

I am going through something very similar.. i have been messing with my best guy friend on and off for 3 years!! He says he doesn't want a g/f and its ok for him to talk to other girls but me not to talk to other guys... I know i need to leave as well but like you said we share mutual friends and its very hard. Just recently a good friend of mine sat me down and hit me hard with reality. This guy is using you and if he wasn't you wou;ld be his g/f. Don't get caught up in the game i know its very hard but wouldn't you wanna be with someone who actually does things for you and doesnt hurt you? Good luck!

[PlateletGal]

I agree with RockRose. Why do you think this guy is worthy of you when he treats you like this ? Don't you think you deserve better ?

[RockRose]

I'm really confused.

This guy is lying to you,  flirting with all kinds of different girls,  taking cell calls from girls,  going away for weekends with other girls and you know it but you continue to have sex with him anyway.  You're not "technically" his girlfriend,  just kind of a sex partner,  except you keep getting mad inside when he's with other girls.

Then you get REALLY mad at him,  and make out with some other guy.  He hears about it and now he's torturing you about it.

I think he's a creep,  and kind of a nut,  and I don't know why you are investing any energy at all in this relationship when after all this time you're not even his girlfriend.  Just a partner he has sex with but doesn't kiss.

[chariot]

I just told him that I knew there were girls going to the cottage and that he lied to me.  Anyway we did not speak for 2 months.  I was really upset and angry, and went out that weekend and got really drunk and made out with another guy we work with.  I tried to get over him but was really angry and  upset.  So two months down the road Scott began talking to me on msn, and I ended up going to his house and we kinda made up - he told me how much he missed me and that he didn't wanna be without me.  I ended up telling him about the email, and we moved on.  But I still had the passwords to his website account and another email, and co ntinued monitoring them.  I also found out later in the year that he had had sexual relations with Alexis right before we started seeing each other and they h ad kept it secret from me, and I didn't overreact or anything, but I was mad that he lied aboutu it for so long ( i specifically asked him once I found out from a peer to see if he would lie and he did ).  I kept reading hurtful things in his email but didn't say anything to him, because I convinced myself that I was overreacting.  He tells me that he loves me, that he's liked me more than any other girl he's ever dated and talks about how much his mom likes me.  I would always get on his case for things that he says to girls, if he meets up with girls, because it upsets me.  He's 29 now and he flirts wih 18, 19 year old girls on the internet and tells me that its just the internet, its no big deal.  He gets calls on his phone all the time and w ont answer them in front of me.  Girls have made sexual references to him in the emails, implying that they have slept with him, but I have no clue when any of this took place.  I have to add that athough we were never technically bf-gf, we had a spoken understganding that neither of us was with anyone else.  

So recently someonen told him about the guy I made out with while we weren't speaking, and he is VERY mad at me.  Saying that I'm just like every other girl, that all girls are stupid and illogical and they think with emotion only....all I ever wanted was for him to think I was special;.and when I say that to him he says that I should just KNOW that he thinks I'm special.  He says he hoped I was different than other girls, but thath I'm not, and that I dissappointed him.  He will barely speak to me.  He told me he's going out ton ight to party and do drugs.  But he tells me he loves me but he never kisses me - we'll have sex and not kiss.  But he can be so sweet!  He is so thoughtful, and treats me great sometimes.  But now I feel so guilty for kissing that other guy, even though we weren't together, and despite all t he stuff he has done online or whatever.  He says he has never done anything with any9one in real life and I really want to believe him but sometimes I'm not sure from the things I've read.  

Now I just feel so guilty....and I don't even know if I"ve done something wrong, or if I should m move on, or how to.  

I gu ess my question is what should I do?  I know I need to move on, but I don't know how!  I work with him and we have mutual friends.  Should I feel guilty?  Have I done something wrong?

thanks for reading this, i know its long but i'm confused and need any help you can offer.