Relationship of 4.5 years falling apart? :(

[Makakolokito]

Advice? I have been datinf this girl for 4.5 years. I am MADLY inlove with her. Throughout these years she has cheated on me several times.. And she continuously lies to me. We are doing the long distance. I am here in Brazil and she is in the USA. Heres the problem.. The past few months shes been soo "busy" that she can only ever talk to me at night and then even then we fight. She claims she loves me and she acts like it but idk. I cant see myself without her .. And i am very well attached. What do i do?.....

[Londres70]

Ditto Tink!

[PrincessSaturn]

And you want to marry and have kids with someone that doesnt even love you and cheats on you? What?!?

[TTinKKerBBell]

#1  "throughout these years She has cheated on You several times"

#2  "She continuously lies to You"

#3  "She can only talk to You at night.......and then You fight"

#4  "You have to play detective to find out everything"

#5  "She's told other guys She loves them while dating You"

#6  "She's told me She's cheated"

#7  "She's never straight up"

#8 "She's lied to me about having 2 phones"

These are Your words, not mine

that's 8 (EIGHT) red flags - how many red flags do You need??

Don't expect more from Her than what She is showing/telling You.  The writing is on the wall.  What You see is what You get.

[PrincessSaturn]

I know what you mean, about the attachment part. I never saw myself letting go of my ex, and when I did, it obviously hurt because I put all that love and time but who honestly cares what she thinks? At least YOU know you loved her, and that's all that matters. You need someone better, seriously. Someone who constantly cheats on you doesn't love you. You should just put all your strength to cut her out of your life. When I did that with my ex, I blocked him all social media, and I couldn't block him on my cell (because my phone didn't do that manually and I would have to call my carrier) so I just ignored his texts and calls till he got the idea that I didn't want nothing to do with his existence. It took a few months but now I haven't heard from him thankfully. That's how I got him from trying to get me back.

[Makakolokito]

I plan on going to school there once i begin med school. I am only in 2nd year undergrad now. I plan on getting married to her and have kids after we finish school.

[specialmom]

What is the long term plan?  

I honestly could not live in constant worry that my partner was cheating.  That would not be worth it for me.  

[Makakolokito]

If i breakup with her she'll be like "whatever i knew you didn't ever love me" then she'll stay trying to get me back. I think i'm pretty much attatched.. I do love her but it's more of an attachment. I planned out my whole life with her. I even am working 2 jobs atm so i could spend the 2.000$ to go see her! But maybe it's not worth it.

[PrincessSaturn]

Personally I think if marriage is not the goal, what's the point? More or less, If you dont see yourself going far with someone, what's the point of staying with them? You need to end it because your wasting your time and energy on this girl. It's not worth it. She's going to keep doing what she's doing because you haven't broken up with her, and unfortunately, I dont think she cares whether or not you will actually leave her. You need to find a woman that actually loves you for who you are, and that cares about you. You need to take that big step and realize you are better than this! You deserve a good woman in your life and I swear once you do, it will feel amazing. Instead of short moments being great with someone that doesn't give a crap about you, every moment should be great with a person that does.

Seriously, you should break up with her. Say why you want to break up with her, and that you need to find someone better. Shes mostly likely going to say something like "But I do love you!" or "Please dont leave, I need you, I promise I wont do anything bad" but you have given her too many chances and you shouldn't fall for those manipulative traps. Trust me, I did so many times with my ex and it only lead to more stress and anxiety.

[specialmom]

I do kind of agree that a chronic cheater means that someone may not be trustworthy which is hard when you care for them.  ??

any chance that you'll live in the same city soon?  

[Makakolokito]

Also, not to sound conceited, but i'm a fairly attractive guy. And every she has cheated on me with has been very ... Not attractive. More or less , she likes the attention from other guys. The past year apparently she hasn't cheated or done anything. Here and there i have found out little things.. Like her talkig to exes. I think ahes about done though because when we fight and i say "bye" she just says "k". Not sure.

[nursegirl6572]

You have to just dig deep, and find the courage and self respect to end it and walk away.  It sounds like the relationship is already over on her end.  Someone who sneaks around, lies frequently, and doesn't WANT to make time for you is not a good partner.

Best of luck to you.

[Makakolokito]

The worst part is .. I have to play detectove to find out everything. Shes even told other guys she loved them while dating me. But idk how to end it! Because when things are good they are GREAT and i couldnt want more :/ but shes never straight up told me shes cheated. Shes even lied to me about having 2 phones!!!

[PrincessSaturn]

I know how it's like, my past relationship was just like the one you're going through now. He was very manipulating, promising me that he would change, that he couldn't live without me. Blahblablah. Cheating on me with multiple girls. He willingly told me he cheated on me, but I didn't know how many girls. I was an idiot to stay with him, because I thought I could change him. I eventually found out he cheated on me with 10-20 + girls. It was a mess from the start that I chose to ignore.

But why force someone to love you and be faithful to you? Someone who truly and definitely loves you, stays faithful to you from the start and because they want to. I am extremely happy in the relationship I have now. He loves me whole-heartedly, and I love him whole-heartedly. I trust him and I doubt he would do something even the slightest bit lustful or unfaithful. I know this is true love, because I feel it, I see it in his eyes. Maybe you should look for something like this, I dont think this girl is worth it since she keeps cheating on you over and over. If she truly loved you she wouldn't be doing this. Plus, you dont even know what's going on in her life that she only has time to talk to you at night. I believe once you start playing detective, all the trust is broken, so what's the point of the relationship now?

[Vance2335]

Should have dumped her a lot time ago. Cheating once...everyone makes mistakes, but when it happens over and over again you have to question if she really loves you.