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Relationship question
In your relationship, can you be honest 100 percent of the time? Are you? Do you hurt your partner's feelings?
I guess it depends on how much one thinks "be honest" means "core dump" versus trying to be tactful and supportive. I don't think the choice is either to be searingly open about everything versus having to lie versus just clamming up. With some thought, usually someone can find something to say that includes love and sympathy for what the person who is asking, is feeling. It takes knowing the person, to know how much they really want to hear, and it sometimes takes stepping back and owning one's own feelings (especially if you have a hidden agenda, wanting the other person to change for example or being in the middle of an argument). I do think it matters to be very careful about things that might just slay another person who loves you, that are not significant to the future of the relationship. (In that case, shutting up is an option.) But if it is important to the relationship that the partner know something, one has to find a way to let the other person know even if the subject is difficult.
I often have to process things. I always think my initial reaction is to be overly sensitive, to the good and the bad, so I like to think about things before opening up about them. I am honest if asked though, I'm a very bad liar, and I know I'll be instantly "caught" if I lie. Also, if asked something about my feelings I realize he is sensing things and is trying to open the floor to discussion.
This is a REALLY good question, on many front, Specialmom. Thanks once again for starting a great conversation.
I know you opened this question to be about your partner, but it also applies to dear trusted friends.
But I have to say first, mikesmith, if you're with a woman who actually asks those questions you are in a no win position. That's just dangerous to ask those questions. If she's getting fat and she asks you if she is, you should say I've noticed that too that you've picked up a little weight. What does she want you to do, act like a psycho and say you haven't noticed? BUT, if you're volunteering information without being prompted, that's a different story.
So. Some truths don't have to be mentioned. My husband is balding. Why should I ever mention it? When he notices a pic from the back of his head and says WOW look at that bald head I say you look fine. Because he does. He looks great, actually.
On the other hand, some truths NEED to be said, boldly. "Your son came home really embarrassed from school because you acted so arrogant in front of his geometry teacher". "Stop being so hostile to my nephew. I know he's an irritating adolescent that no one really likes, but stop it. Stop making it obvious that you don't like him". Like that. And our relationship works.
And he tells me when I have bad breath or if an outfit I'm wearing isn't his favorite. (Meaning, it doesn't look good).
I know you opened this question to be about your partner, but it also applies to dear trusted friends.
But I have to say first, mikesmith, if you're with a woman who actually asks those questions you are in a no win position. That's just dangerous to ask those questions. If she's getting fat and she asks you if she is, you should say I've noticed that too that you've picked up a little weight. What does she want you to do, act like a psycho and say you haven't noticed? BUT, if you're volunteering information without being prompted, that's a different story.
So. Some truths don't have to be mentioned. My husband is balding. Why should I ever mention it? When he notices a pic from the back of his head and says WOW look at that bald head I say you look fine. Because he does. He looks great, actually.
On the other hand, some truths NEED to be said, boldly. "Your son came home really embarrassed from school because you acted so arrogant in front of his geometry teacher". "Stop being so hostile to my nephew. I know he's an irritating adolescent that no one really likes, but stop it. Stop making it obvious that you don't like him". Like that. And our relationship works.
And he tells me when I have bad breath or if an outfit I'm wearing isn't his favorite. (Meaning, it doesn't look good).
I think on the "am I fat" question, if someone actually asks, I would find a way to be truthful without being unsupportive ("eh, we could all stand to shed a few pounds," versus "you look awful"). I think mikesmith might have been talking about what you say if someone does ask. My little sister is pretty overweight for her height right now, but though she might say something to me ("this dress sure shows my gut,") she has not asked me directly what I think. I'm glad not to offer anything, since it's clear she doesn't need my help to feel bad about it.
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Ha, mikesmith, welcome to the forum. Good points. BUT, I went through a period of time in which I gained weight. My husband never said a word and acted like I was his hot wife. I appreciated that then and I appreciate it now that I've lost weight. I certainly KNEW I had gained weight. I am glad he didn't act like he wasn't attracted to me or if he had said something, I'd have not believed he was attracted to me. So, his being quiet and treating me JUST the same was a loving gesture to me. :)) I've lost the weight, don't worry! But make no doubt about it, a woman who has gained weight is WELL AWARE.
I'm kind of like you too in what I say and sometimes don't say. Little things that will just stick in his mind are things I think "why bother" == so might not go there. I also look to make him feel good. My husband is not a great handyman and I treat him like he is to make him feel good. I never tell him it is painful to watch him when he gets his tool box out.
I do stay away from deep dark secrets or hiding things. That just brings on major stress to you and I don't want my husband to ever look at me as if I betrayed him by keeping something huge from him.
Life, this can be taken any way you feel fit. It is a thought question.
But that is a good second question---- Do you reveal all your thoughts to your partner? Me? nope.
I'm kind of like you too in what I say and sometimes don't say. Little things that will just stick in his mind are things I think "why bother" == so might not go there. I also look to make him feel good. My husband is not a great handyman and I treat him like he is to make him feel good. I never tell him it is painful to watch him when he gets his tool box out.
I do stay away from deep dark secrets or hiding things. That just brings on major stress to you and I don't want my husband to ever look at me as if I betrayed him by keeping something huge from him.
Life, this can be taken any way you feel fit. It is a thought question.
But that is a good second question---- Do you reveal all your thoughts to your partner? Me? nope.
oh and if she asks "am I getting fat?" always be honest because if she is and you say nothing when she or her friends notice the pounds she will blame YOU.."how could you not say something,Why didn't you say something you let me get like this"..depression trigger...been their done that.
Depends On what..I agree what the above has said,Sometimes being honest gets me in more trouble then saying nothing or not bringing it up. I have been accused of being emotionally detached sometimes.But their are reasons why I had to be.Sometimes the little lie is for their own good,and save's alot of pain and fighting over nothing. AKA no my ex is not better looking then you..She is not as good a kisser then you....You're prettier then your sister..get my drift?
Im not sure what being "honest 100% of the time" means. Does it mean revealing every thought we have or just the ones that are relevant?
I have no problem being honest 100% of the time in my marriage with a caveat. That doesn't mean I offer unsolicited advice or vent about every little annoyance or blurt out every little unkind thought. When asked a question I am pretty straightforward and always 100% honest. This may not be always appreciated, but hey if you ask me I am going to tell you. I tend not to "sugar coat" things which may be mistaken for being unkind, which is not the intention. My husband knows this now, but in the beginning..........let's just say it was an adjustment for him. :)
Oh, and finally, I do think it is a good idea not to marry anyone with whom you cannot be pretty fully honest about everything, it was a selection criteria for me in choosing a husband. That and not feeling jealous. I needed an up-front guy. :)
Oh, and if you are wondering if you should keep a secret (like, you kissed someone else or something like that), you need to do some assessment. Transparency is important if you think that the thing you did is a sign that things are not well overall, and/or if it might happen again or indicates something else is coming along, like a breakup. But if the thing you are interested in telling about was a one-time incident, and it would make your s.o. unhappy, then it can be a good idea to just learn from it and suck it up and live with your guilt. There is no point in dumping all over someone else just so you don't have to carry a guilty secret, if you don't intend to ruin the relationship or leave it.
Some people blurt out everything they are thinking, rude or polite, and justify it on the basis that "I'm just being honest!" If you are dealing with someone who does that and you do not like it, you could ask him to please learn some tact. Honesty is not an excuse for a core dump all the time, and it is not an excuse for being hurtful or rude.
If you are the one who is accused of being too blunt, and especially if you are hurting someone else's feelings, then you have to assess whether the other person is being morbidly sensitive or whether you are in fact too harsh or mean in what you say. There are ways to say things that indicate you don't particularly care about the feelings of the person receiving the comment, and that is just not kind.
If you are the one who is accused of being too blunt, and especially if you are hurting someone else's feelings, then you have to assess whether the other person is being morbidly sensitive or whether you are in fact too harsh or mean in what you say. There are ways to say things that indicate you don't particularly care about the feelings of the person receiving the comment, and that is just not kind.
I don't think I can be 100% honest. I tell white lies to keep from hurting his feelings sometimes. But I don't lie about the important stuff and I don't keep secrets. I think both of those things damage a relationship.
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