Relationship with best friend

[rome66]

I've known my friend for over two years.We met on a dating site and went out a few times and i fell in love with her.After a few dates she realized she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone.She had an abusive first marriage at a young age and her second marriage of 20+ years ended over 3 years ago which was a bad marrige too and actually ended 10 years into the marriage.After our dating she encouraged me to date others so i had a few dates which were awful and didn't work out.Well in the past 3 months we have become very close and had a couple of talks expressing our feelings.I told her i love her still and want to try to work something out.She said she's not ready for anything now because of stress in her life that i understand.I said i'm in no hurry and can we try.She said there was no guarentee she would ever open up her emotions to me and i told her i know she can't gaurentee that but can we try and told her she would let me know when she was ready.She also said she is very guarded with her emotions and has a wall around her.I said i know but i want to try.We communicate everyday from mornin till evening and we do things together when we can.It's been about 2 months since we've had our talks and i guess my question is do i keep doing what i'm doing and wait and see because my feelings for her are very strong and it is hard everyday just waiting for an emotional response from her beyond the friendship level.I know she needs time and she is worth waiting for.We are in our mid 40's.

[specialmom]

That IS a hard position to be in.  I want to encourage you to not think of yourself as powerless here.  You can do as SHE says and continue to look for others.  I would continue on that dating site and put yourself in situations (without her) to meet others.  You'll have to use some self control . . . but this can be done.  We all have things that we know aren't the best for us that we have to stay away from.  This is it for you for the time being.  

If you begin seeing her as really just a friend, it would be healthy for you.  And keeping lots of other things in your life besides her is part of that.  STart there.  good luck

[rome66]

Thank you for your comment too..trust me that side of it has run through my mind as well.My motive is very sincere and respectful but yes it is relationship driven without a doubt with her.Your comment about a boyfriend in waiting is very true and very hard on me and she does know i struggle with my feelings for her everyday she's told me.She still hasn't backed off on the texts and wanting me to come over at all so that keeps me holding on too.I believe no matter what happens besides her opening up to me i will be hurt and probably not able to be just her close friend which always upsets me but my emotions are tied up in her like ivy on a trellis! : \ sigh..

[specialmom]

And by the way, she has asked you to date other people.  This is a very strong signal dear.  

If she were just a friend, you could do this without worrying that it would upset her or you wouldn't be thinking of her all along so you couldn't enjoy your date with someone else.  This is an indication that you are overly invested in her and so much more so than she is in you.  This is a good way to get hurt.

I do wish you luck and peace.

[specialmom]

Well, I am less optimistic here.  I think she is being very very honest with you and you need to understand what she is saying.  She'll let you know if things change and she sees you more of a 'boyfriend'/partner than a companion/friend.  

It is really tricky stuff to be friends with someone that you have romantic feelings for.  You have never truly just been a friend as you have an ulterior motive.  Not a bad one-----  I don't mean it that way.  But, you are boyfriend in waiting and she knows this.  This makes the friendship a different kind of one.  

I'm sure you are a great guy.  But I think at this time if you are wanting to date someone, she is not it.  I'd move on.  Take a break from looking for someone to date for a bit to clear your head and work on things that you like (work out/exercise, focus on career, spend time with real friends and family, do your hobbies as much as possible).  Then go back into the mix and see if there is someone more available for what you are looking for.

Sometimes when we meet someone on line or elsewhere, we so want a relationship that we start to think that this one person is IT!  Our mind tends to play tricks on us.  

I think I would take her for her word.  She is not ready.  She is not wanting what you want at this time and may never.  I think it is in your best interest to let her go.  good luck

She just isn't available.  

[rome66]

Thank you for your response.I guess i know what you said is true but when you're in love with someone as much as i love her it's always hard and you can become impatient at times wanting something to happen because i'm ready to start a new life with someone and i want that person to be her.I would never hurt her in any way and have not pushed anything i've just been giving her all my support all the time and helping her in every way i know how.

[mesh833]

PS. you seems like the guy that will make a difference in her world....

[mesh833]

True love will wait until the end........i believe she know you care and she's happy you are in her corner, but because of past hurt she doesn't want to just let her self get hurt again......i think you should continue what you are doing and she will see the sincerity of your love for her, she will trust that you will never hurt her and she will come around........broken hearts/ bad relationships takes time to heal, just be there for her......