Relationships

My husband has a temper and when he looses it, he blames it on me. For example, we got into a disagreement and when i said i cannot wait for him to leave on his business trip he literally lost it on me. He was driving and started shouting at me to the point where he had to get off the highway because he was losing control of the car. He said just because i feel something does not meet i have the right to say it. This is not the first time he has lost his temper and he has thrown me against the wall in front of our children, an event that he assures me will never happen again.  

[HamedKhatiz]

Good morning or evening or day or night or aafternoon Osei and whassup. I thought I responded to this earlier, someone must have deleted it. Anyway, this is a tough situation on everyone involved.

Promises that it will never happen again are extremely commonplace when people stuff up but I guess trust is part of the equation. Do you trust that he loves you and will never do this again because he has said it.

If it does happen again, I think the boundaries are really beginning to be pushed. There is only so much you can take copping and your children take witnessing. It could affect your children, seeing their mother and father like this.

You said that they witnessed some of the abuse, how old are they? Witnessing that kind of stuff can truly have a major psychological and emotional impact if it happens continually.

I don't know how long this has been going on and how long they have seen this stuff, but your children are a massive part of the equation and it makes it a bit more difficult to make a decision.

I think it is probably in your best interests and in the interests of your children's physical and emotional safety to consider leaving this man. Divorce is a major operation, it is time consuming, emotionally difficult, financially difficult but again, maybe it is for the best that the second chances stop.

Khatiz.

[Londres70]

Your statement....."This is not the first time he has lost his temper and he has thrown me against the wall in front of our children, an event that he assures me will never happen again."  This is a typical pattern for an abuser.  It is apparent he has anger issues and has "0" control over this.  In my opinion, this will become more frequent and more violent over time.  Sounds like he is NOT open to the idea of therapy.  If he is, start therapy ASAP; like yesterday.  

Leaving is the ideal option, however, leaving can be very dangerous for you.  I would recommend seeking the help of organizations that deal with battered/abused women so that they can help you devise a plan of action for you and your children.  Do you have family who you can confide in about this?

I will not condone staying with an abuser as it is NOT a safe environment for you or your children, however, on the other hand, leaving can be just as dangerous.  Definitely seek the advice of a professional that deals with domestic violence and do this ASAP!!!!  DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT BLOWUP.  

It is important to TELL someone about what is going on.  

I would be worried about your safety FIRST above all.  

If he

[Londres70]

Sorry, the last two words are mistakes.  

[specialmom]

First let me say that obviously his temper and actions (things like shouting at you and throwing you against a wall) are completely unacceptable and no one would tell you that this is okay.  You should not be subjected to a violent man or an abusive man.  But . . .

Hm.  Why are you baiting him?  Not really a kind thing to say "I can't wait for you to leave for your business trip."  Many would interpret that as a nasty thing to say.  My husband sure would.  While his temper and actions are  unacceptable, I agree that you started the fight with your own cruel words.  If you don't feel  you were being cruel, at least admit you were being passive aggressive which is very destructive.  (and a pattern you do not want to repeat in future relationships)

But problem at hand, a volatile relationship like this is unhealthy.  And that you have kids and this goes on in front of them is horrible.

You should formulate a plan to go and do it safely.  I feel you would also benefit from therapy because am guessing that you have played some role in your life story here.  I'm not criticizing you as some of these patterns are deep down and we are unaware of them.  But you want to address them so that you do not repeat your patterns and end up in this same situation all over again.  I wish you luck and stay safe.  

[osei41]

Thank you all for your very helpful comments and Specialmom, I appreciate your constructive criticism. Let me rewind and add that when he was pushing me against the wall in front of the children it was because I had called him a jackass. The children were not present when i used this word and only came around when all hell had broken loose. My daughter who was seven years old at the time, cried and asked him what he doing everytime he pushed me against the wall. My 5 year old son told him he was stronger than me and that he had won the fight. This was as a result of another heated argument. I am not a proud person and will be the first to say sorry, but his reactions leave me weeping for hours and then I am not sorry at all. He says i am nasty and if i was not so nasty he would not loose his temper. When we were arguing in the car, that is how i felt. I could not wait for him to leave. We have been married for almost 10 years and the child are 8 and 6. He

[RockRose]

You know the saying,  sticks and stones can break my bones but words will break my heart.

He pushed you against the wall,  and prior to that you called him a jackass.

Why are you two DOING this to each other?  Holy moley.  If that's all he did - he didn't leave a bruise,  he just muscled you against a wall (I'm assuming) I'd call you even.  You called him an ugly name that I wouldn't call someone I want to continue to be married to,  and he shoved you.  And hasn't since,  and it's been a year.

And now you've said you can't wait for him to leave.  If I said that to my husband he would be so shocked and hurt I don't think he'd be the same for days.  He'd be very angry and hurt.

It seems to me you don't have any kind of "filter" on your mouth - as he says,  you just say whatever pops into your brain.

I say that because I think most wives look a little forward to days when their husbands will be gone.  It's a little bit of a break, you might do different stuff that you don't do with him around like cooking fish,  eating takeout,  letting the house go a bit and sit around reading,  etc.  It's okay to think in your head I'm really looking forward to this business trip of his.

But why do you have to say it?  I think women often have no idea of the power of their cruel words.

[Londres70]

Well, the additional information would change my view completely about what's going on.  I got the impression from your first post that this was an "out of control husband" without any or little instigation.  Sounds like you are instigating some of this.  No one wants to be spoken to in a cruel undertone or with cruel words nor does anyone deserve to be "thrown or pushed" against a wall.  

Your statement....."He said just because i feel something does not meet i have the right to say it."  You have the right to say how you feel, but the problem is the way or manner you are coveying how you feel.  Some "self-editing" is in order as well as you can't just start saying cruel things because that is just pretty much asking for a heated argument or fight.

Your statement..."I am not a proud person and will be the first to say sorry, but his reactions leave me weeping for hours and then I am not sorry at all."  Well....once again.....if you are talking cruel to someone don't expect "smiles and hugs" from them in return.  

Sounds like you both need counselling and I would do this for yourselves and definitely for the sake of the children as these things are things children should NEVER have to witness.  You all don't have effective communication skills.  You don't know how to say what you want to say WITHOUT being cruel or cutting and he is having trouble containing his anger when you say these things.  

Get help before this escalates into some situation where police are involved and worse.  You all are playing with fire here.  If you all can't live together without these situations, I would assume leave and give yourself and your children a home without volatile situations to deal with.  

[shell921]

I agree with specialmom-- "I can't wait for you to leave for your business trip."  is a really nasty thing to say. You both sound immature - yelling and violence are not acceptable. and you have children-! holy christ! when they grow up they will be screwed up if you keep up this absurd behavior. you and your husband both sound immature. get some therapy and learn how to resolve conflict peacefully & reasonably. ALL marriages have conflict but you have to learn how to resolve conflict PEACEFULLY. Otherwise you'll end up divorced with messed up kids.

John Gottman, PhD. is one of my all time favorite research experts on marriage.

Gottman has done amazing work and research on marriage over the last few decades and has identified four key problems that lead to divorce... he calls them the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These four issues include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Contempt for a partner being the most crucial indicator of divorce. Get his books from your library and read them or look him up on line. you can google plenty of articles on him. Now grow up and act like a mature adult and quit baiting your husband. You are 39 years old for cryin' out loud!

[deadmemory]

Hello,

I agre with the above posters, however, I do not think he has any right putting his hands on you. Period. However, I do not condone your behavior at all. For the sake of your childrens sanity you two need to seek counseling because I will tell you it can affect them negatively. Believe me.

I will say that if you feel an urge to say something hurtful you should think of ways to reword it so it doesn't come off sounding like you're being aggressive/hurtful. I will agree that it sounds like YOU and your HUSBAND have some growing up to do..

If you two don't believe you don't need counseling then you need to seperate. You guys sound TOXIC together.

I wish the best for you and more importantly, your children

Respectfully
Krystal

[deadmemory]

Correction

"If you two don't believe you need counseling then you need to seperate.
You guys sound TOXIC together"

[deadmemory]

Just to clarify before there is any confusion to my first post.. I did not word that very eloquently. I apologize. I am not intentionally implying that the responding posters are saying that it is ok for a man to lay a hand on a female.

I wanted to clear up any potential confusion..

[specialmom]

Oh, I agree and that was the first portion of my advice.  No excuse ever.  I think, however, what is notable is that his 'bursts' of anger are in reaction to things already going on and things in which she is an ACTIVE participant instead of just a psycho trying to push her around.  

I'd not allow my husband to 'man handle' me ever.  But I'd be cut to the core if he made comments like "i'll be glad when you are gone."

something is very wrong within this relationship----  the dynamics are bad both ways.  The guy doesn't get a pass for being  physical (that is a deal breaker for me!!!!!!) but she is not completely innocent and that is something for her to work on.  This relationship may not be salvagable but she'll need to work on how SHE handles things in all future relationships.  Patterns so often repeat.

Anyway, I hope that she finds her way and really commend her for being honest with us about her role in the situation.  That is great because that is how one learns and makes life better.  by her acknowledging her part in it I have great hope and optimism that she'll go on to live a happy life with someone (even if it is not this man).  

[deadmemory]

Very well put Specialmom,

I agree that she is not innocent at all, she needs to try to reword some of the hurtful/aggressive things she says to her husband. Telling your husband that you cannot wait for him to leave is so DISRESPECTFUL. Jeez,I can only imagine how much that must have stung.

I have been abused before (in my past) I have broken the cycle of finding men that are abusive. My parents were very abusive (physically and vocally) to each other, and I remember feeling scared, but I was the oldest and I would take my siblings to the park because watching my parents abuse each other was VERY VERY upsetting to them. Most (not all) of the time, kids who live in a hostile/abusive environment are bound to be hostile/abusive to future partners or find partners that are abusive/hostile.

I just reread this whole thread and I got the impression that he was "throwing you" against the wall.. is he "throwing" you against the wall or is he "muscling" you against the wall? Either way... he shouldn't put his hands on you, you shouldn't be passive aggressive, couples therapy... or consider seperating.. this is NOT a healthy household for your babies!

Regards,
Krystal

You should really take the reponding posters advice.. I also want to say that no one here is judging you, we are giving you advice according to the information you have provided. We are not here to validate your feelings. (Sorry to sound rude, but you did come here for advice..)

[brice1967]

This gentleman sounds like he may have issues regarding anger, but honestly.... you sound like you are baiting the guy.  What kind of a response did you expect to get when you told him that "you could not wait until he left on his business trip"?  

To me, that statement alone says something deeper is happening here.  I'm not trying to be a jerk, but if things like this are a common occurrence in your relationship, couples counseling might be the right choice.

Him losing his temper isn't cool, but you leading him and that direction isn't cool either.  You are playing a part in this and it will take work on both of your behalves if the relationship will survive.

Good luck to you.