Retribution?

This is my situation:

My partner and I have been living together for quite some time.  In May of 2007 we had an argument and I went back home to NY for a few days to cool my head.  He's been giving me constant pressure about coming out to my family and I just was not ready to do so.

He ended up cheating on me with some other guy in my own apartment.  I kept in mind he was manic depressive and self destructive behavior is very common with people like him.

Needless to say, I was distraught and disconsolate.  He lamented over doing such a thing, and I know he's suffered since then.  He's been through hell as have I, and we're working on our relationship (although we have not been intimate since it happened--I'm not making things easy for him).

My question stems from the other guy.  I know where he lives, I know what he looks like...I have his myspace profile.  I have his phone number.  I'm just finding it tremendously difficult to let it go.  The guy has a boyfriend as well and he hasn't told his own partner yet about what he's done.

I couldn't take it anymore and logged onto myspace and promptly contacted the guy's partner to let him know what had happened.  Of course the guy's partner didn't believe me and the guy himself denied everything.  I have video proof of the guy leaving my apartment complex and I offered this to the guy's partner.  

The bottom line is...I have the resources to find out where this guy lives and truly embarrass him in front of his friends and family.  I'm not talking about anything physical--I just want to embarrass him and make him regret what he did to me.  I know my partner is to blame as well and believe me he has gone through his difficulties.  He tried to commit suicide after feeling guilty and I had to find him in a parking lot overdosed on Advil PM.  It wasn't pretty.

But this other guy he cheated with..just gets off scott free and I can't take that.  I have so much hate for him and I wasn't raised to hate anyone or anything.  I feel like that guy shouldn't be alive.  It's a feeling I don't think anyone will know or have unless they've been cheated on.  It really hurts.  

What should I do?  I welcome any and all suggestions.  I just feel like tearing the other guy to pieces.  I refuse to get physical with him because I *will* hurt him.  I would prefer mental anguish and I want him to suffer.  I want his relationship to suffer.  I want him to be exposed for the cheater that he is.  

[laura1977]

Oh, I am so sorry you have been put through this.  It really isn't fair and it shouldn't happen to anyone.  What you are doing is something many people will do, they want to know every single detail of what happened, and every single detail about the person it happened with.  Does this help you, no.  It will actually make things worse.  Did your partner answer your questions after you found out about him cheating?  If so, you need to decide if you can let this go and move on or if you are going to punish your partner long term for what he has done?  
He cheated, and it hurt yes but you can't keep punishing him for it.  You have the right to be upset, and no one denys that.  You have just got to figure out in your heart if you can let this go?  Your partner doesn't diserve to be punished forever for it.
Again I am totally on your side and that he shouldn't have done this.  
Some people can't move on no matter how much they try.  
This other guy, don't waste your time and effort on him.  He's not worth it.  You are a better person then he is, and realize that at least he's not your partner.  His partner is the one that has to deal with him now.  No one is going to believe that he cheated unless he tells them so.  If you were to show everyone the video of him leaving your apartment, how will that help your relationship with your partner?  It really won't, so I wouldn't even bother with it.
You have a choice to make, you either except this and forgive your partner and move forward.  Or you move on to bigger things in life?
Let this other guy go, and don't waste anymore of your time trying to hurt him because he hurt you.  I hope this helps.

[RockRose]

Mike,  you are about to make the stupidest mistake of your life.  

Are you still closeted with your family?  If you start embarrassing this guy,  you won't be.  Your other will have a picture of you having sex with your partner in no time flat.

You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.  Put the brakes on this runaway train before he hurts you emotionally and socially and perhaps causes you to have a criminal record for what you are about to do.

Let it go.  Let    it    go.  

[RockRose]

Oops,  meant to say "mother",  not "other".

[chellybeans]

it's not worth it. in the end you'll have cheapened yourself and will have to deal with the remorse of your actions. decide to either let it go and move forward with your partner or if you cannot stop dwelling in this, end your relationship and move forward on your own. it is not fair to anyone to live in the past.

also, RockRose is on the money about your privacy being gone.

just let it go, one way or another

best wishes to you and yours!

[slow_healer]

Hey Mike, I hear what you're saying - about the cheating that is. When I had a partner cheat on me, I wanted nothing more than to ruin the girl's life. She had a fiance who worked out of town, who probably didn't know what was going on. It seemed so unfair that I had to learn the truth the hard way, while she was still living it up - sleeping with my boyfriend while her fiance was out of town, then switching back to her fiance when he returned. In the meantime, I was left with a broken heart, her and her fiance's contact info, and no relationship.

A friend helped me to understand (even if I didn't want to believe it) that when your partner cheats on you, because we love them so much, we don't want to be angry with them. Instead we tend to want to work things out. However, that anger needs to go somewhere and it becomes very easy to blame the other person - THEY should pay for stealing your partner away!

The reality is that if your partner wanted to cheat on you, then he probably would have done so anyway. You might not want to hear that, but if push come to shove your partner felt he wasn't getting what he wanted in the relationship, he would have found some way or *someone* to cope with that. Now it's between you and him to decide how you're going to work on those shortcomings.

Getting revenge will NOT fix what's wrong in your relationship. It will only make you feel better for a little while. Then you're going to feel shi**y again PLUS you'll have embarrassed yourself even more. It's easy to be sympathetic to your partner because you KNOW him. You don't know this other person or what kind of relationship they have. Even though you're hurt, you have no idea of how your actions might affect a LOT of other people. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, right?

Biggest advice? Move into a new apartment. Don't stay in a place where every time you come home you're reminded of that betrayal. If you and your partner are really going to work through this, then make some big positive changes to buffer the negative ones. It's probably your best bet - good luck!

[Mike86]

Your comments are all much appreciated. I know now that getting revenge is not the way around this.  My partner and I are working towards mending our relationship--and it hasn't been easy.

I guess I'm so hellbent on getting revenge because of the way things happened. That son of a b*tch had the temerity to come into my house and sleep with my partner...it just eats me alive.  I know I should direct my anger towards my partner (and I have)--but he's already (in my mind) suffered enough and he'll have to live with what he did for the rest of his life.  He tried to take his own life, and although there would have been better ways to deal with his guilt, I'm not responsible for his actions.  He's shown me that he is truly sorry and remorseful for his actions.  Because of my love for him--I have forgiven him--but it's so difficult and painful to let go of the past.

I know if I have chosen to forgive him and work things out, I can't hold this against him--but I feel that every time an argument comes up or he has suspicions about me talking to my friends (who are just friends--he's very paranoid now), I have to use that against him as a defense and a reminder.  It hurts him each time I bring it up, and I know I shouldn't--this is something I'm working on.

I just hate the fact that the other guy is on easy street.  Slow_healer made a very good point about not knowing the other guy's circumstance.  That's just it--I don't care about the other guy.  I'm at the point where if the guy breaks his leg, I want to know about it.  If he croaks, I want to know about it.  I'm THAT resentful.  It's something I wish to seek therapy for because I'm not that type of person.  I value human life and I am in law enforcement.  My oath is to protect and serve, not to hate and wish harm on someone.  

It's hard to separate, and I will never let this get in the way of doing my job--I'm a professional.  Personally, it's a thorn in my side though.  Keep in mind this happened just 4 1/2 months ago.  The wounds are still fresh.  Will I hate this guy in 3 years?  Probably not.  I'm not sure.  What I do know is if I see him on the street now, God help him.  This is why I've chosen the internet as my therapy outlet for now.

Thanks all and please keep the constructive criticism/advice coming.

-Mike-

[Mike86]

I failed to mention that the guy had a chance to apologize to me and make things right, but he never did.  My anger would not be where it is today had he just apologized and taken responsibility for his actions.  A "sorry" won't take away what happened--but if I know he regrets doing what he did, I wouldn't hate him so much. Too bad he didn't take that opportunity.  

I hope he rots.  

-Mike-

[RockRose]

Why should he apologize to you?  Did your partner apologize to his lover's partner?

Your anger is directed in the wrong place,  Mike,  and keeping this guy your partner is a mistake.  He's willing to cheat on you,  and he's bipolar and suicidal.  Not the best partner.

The fact that you harbor murderous hate against this other guy,  and are making your partner's life miserable by continuously holding this over his head,  is sick.  It's sick.  

You need to get out of this relationship,  relinquish this guy,  and move on, and stop focusing on hurting someone else you really hardly know.

[mayflowers]

This other guy is not worth your time or energy.  Like someone here said, you could end up in serious legal trouble if you did anything and NOTHING is worth that, not even your boyfriend.    I like to look at hard times as "test" to my character...a way of building it so to speak.  

I will encourage you to stop going to his myspace page or thinking of ways to contact him.  He's not worth it...he's a dirt bag (sorry, that's the strongest phrase I can think of right now but somehow I think it's fitting in his case.)  Keep yourself occupied with positive stuff about you and what you like to do.

Good luck to you.  I really hope everything works out with you and your partner.  Just give it time....

[laura1977]

Every person that gets cheated on has these types of emotions.  
This is why I said in the other post that I am completely against cheating because it never does anyone any good.  I truly feel for you Mike I really do.  I can't imagine what it's like to have to go through this.
Understand me Mike................... That other guy isn't worth your time and effort, heck feel sorry for that guys partner because he has to be with him.  Count yourself lucky he's not yours.  
You must put this behind you though.
I personally could not stay with someone that cheated on me because I just feel that is the ultimate stab to the gut, but since you have decided to then you must move forward in your relationship.
( cyber hug to you )

[laura1977]

I have a question that I have been meaning to ask you................. how old r u?  Your profile says 106 hehehe

[mayflowers]

I'm in my 40's.....sometimes I feel like I'm 106 yrs old.  Just never changed the b-day on the profile.

[laura1977]

I was wondering because for a 106 year old, you sure are good on the computer.  hehehe

[misscloey]

I am sorry for your situation. Lowering yourself to their standards makes you just as bad as they are. Please find a way to let this go. Hurting this other guy will not make you feel any better... I promise! The fact remains the same. Please think this  over carefully.
Good Luck

[Mike86]

Thank you all for your continued support.

I've decided (against my wishes lol)--to not pursue the parasite I was referring to earlier.  He will rot away in his own time.  I'm sure he feels somewhat guilty for cheating on his boyfriend.  If he doesn't--every dog has his day.  I hate saying this, but when he suffers, I'm happy.  I just won't go the extra step to find him and beat him silly...I'll only lose my job and my freedom (not worth it after careful though and deliberation).

I'm still hurting--but I'm proud of my decision.  Don't get me wrong--I would rather bludgeon him with a shovel--but thinking something and doing something are two different things.  I'm a better person.  All I can say about him is....Karma's a *****.

Thanks again to all those who replied.  I'll keep you updated!