Aa
Searing betrayal by both parents and siblings watching on like scared rabbits
Hi cyber space,
I hope there is someone out there who can jolt me out of this nightmare. I posted before about an issue which to me is the final trial in spiritual tempering that heaven seems to be putting me through. I am yet to find out what its all been for or if I will come through it in one piece and above ground. I am soon to be 33 and found out over a year ago that my dad is not my dad. My bio dad is deceased since 1985. I called my dad today just to try to initiate some talking ( normally its simply shouting and raised voices which he instigates because he doesnt hear what I am saying or doesnt want to ) and tried to tell him that I need to get closure about this issue to move on with my life and that at the moment I feel if he and my mother were to meet me and talk about this and that I heard the truth coming from them sincerely it would help me to understand this dilemma in my life. But he called me back later then while I was out with a newly found cousin and discussing this problem which is taking over my life and which I feel has always had it unconsciously on hold and after him speaking with my mother says that what I said to him was not true. Its like his first statemwent was something to cinfuse me the way he said it. Its like they are working together even though they are split up since 97 and have no relationship but for this they seemed to have no diff in coming together to have a shared opinion!!! I was at home for Christmas and had row with her and brother and left on 26Dec, she called the police even though I only kicked a chair and also my brother. I know I cant do that to people but for so long he treated me like a lower person all along like he was influenced by my mother in some way. All flowing downwards to me in the family. All my life I never once stepped out of line, maybe getting angry not knowing why for some periods. My way of trying to be heard I suppose. Didnt know how to talk to them seeing that I never knew about this issue until recently. I feel absolutely betrayed and abandoned as if I have been spat out from the family that I always felt apart of but was confused always growing up in. I really think I understand the enormous fear that they have about accepting this and it seems that they wont let me hear the truth from them. But not once did they ever consider the fear I ve had since a child never feeling secure or heard. Its as if if I were to hear it from them then they'd have to disown me thats their incapability to tell me this in a rational way. That they'd have to banish me along with the truth that I so long to hear from them. I already feel so let down by them all through the years now they are just clinging on to me and always twisting things and trying to ( my dad steps in here ) advise me to do this that the other, why did I leave my ex who seemed perfect for me etc ( Told my dad that i felt trapped in that and it would have been an enormous mistake to stay in that ) Do you see the pattern forming? Also my mother told me few months back that If I married the girl that she would have told me about my bio dad?? Its like as soon as I was looked after they'd drop the bombshell. I think my parents are from the school of buried emotions and have not graduated or understand how people feel at all. Whats worse is that not only do I not get communication saying something like that we cant talk to you about this , instead its getting verbal abuse from dad this evening in the form of "your 32 and grow up and stop acting like a child" "it doesnt matter who your father is " ( my dad when he gets started ) and mother in dangerous ambiguous texts ending in" hope you get professional help. bye now:)" And it was my aunt, mums sister who started this by telling me my dad was John Smith. She is now in home for Alzheimers but I think she is still the same as she ever was. Still clused in to anything bad or negative that triggers something in her memeory. Tremendous negative relationship between her and my mum and perhaps this secret was at the core of that or at least part of it. Dad called my mum when I was up at his house during last year when I told him I wanted to do a paternity test and started to call her all sorts of names to my mother. He told me he's see me in court ( didnt understand that at all ) It left me wondering did he know all along aswell and by his reaction I think he did even though its not so important I suppose.
In the end I did a sibling dna test with my brother and it proved we have diff male dna fairly proving the validity of what my aunt told me. If it seems like I am sucked into all their fear its because I am and Ive learned that since a child.
Please help me with your advice and worldly experiences.
God Bless
C
I hope there is someone out there who can jolt me out of this nightmare. I posted before about an issue which to me is the final trial in spiritual tempering that heaven seems to be putting me through. I am yet to find out what its all been for or if I will come through it in one piece and above ground. I am soon to be 33 and found out over a year ago that my dad is not my dad. My bio dad is deceased since 1985. I called my dad today just to try to initiate some talking ( normally its simply shouting and raised voices which he instigates because he doesnt hear what I am saying or doesnt want to ) and tried to tell him that I need to get closure about this issue to move on with my life and that at the moment I feel if he and my mother were to meet me and talk about this and that I heard the truth coming from them sincerely it would help me to understand this dilemma in my life. But he called me back later then while I was out with a newly found cousin and discussing this problem which is taking over my life and which I feel has always had it unconsciously on hold and after him speaking with my mother says that what I said to him was not true. Its like his first statemwent was something to cinfuse me the way he said it. Its like they are working together even though they are split up since 97 and have no relationship but for this they seemed to have no diff in coming together to have a shared opinion!!! I was at home for Christmas and had row with her and brother and left on 26Dec, she called the police even though I only kicked a chair and also my brother. I know I cant do that to people but for so long he treated me like a lower person all along like he was influenced by my mother in some way. All flowing downwards to me in the family. All my life I never once stepped out of line, maybe getting angry not knowing why for some periods. My way of trying to be heard I suppose. Didnt know how to talk to them seeing that I never knew about this issue until recently. I feel absolutely betrayed and abandoned as if I have been spat out from the family that I always felt apart of but was confused always growing up in. I really think I understand the enormous fear that they have about accepting this and it seems that they wont let me hear the truth from them. But not once did they ever consider the fear I ve had since a child never feeling secure or heard. Its as if if I were to hear it from them then they'd have to disown me thats their incapability to tell me this in a rational way. That they'd have to banish me along with the truth that I so long to hear from them. I already feel so let down by them all through the years now they are just clinging on to me and always twisting things and trying to ( my dad steps in here ) advise me to do this that the other, why did I leave my ex who seemed perfect for me etc ( Told my dad that i felt trapped in that and it would have been an enormous mistake to stay in that ) Do you see the pattern forming? Also my mother told me few months back that If I married the girl that she would have told me about my bio dad?? Its like as soon as I was looked after they'd drop the bombshell. I think my parents are from the school of buried emotions and have not graduated or understand how people feel at all. Whats worse is that not only do I not get communication saying something like that we cant talk to you about this , instead its getting verbal abuse from dad this evening in the form of "your 32 and grow up and stop acting like a child" "it doesnt matter who your father is " ( my dad when he gets started ) and mother in dangerous ambiguous texts ending in" hope you get professional help. bye now:)" And it was my aunt, mums sister who started this by telling me my dad was John Smith. She is now in home for Alzheimers but I think she is still the same as she ever was. Still clused in to anything bad or negative that triggers something in her memeory. Tremendous negative relationship between her and my mum and perhaps this secret was at the core of that or at least part of it. Dad called my mum when I was up at his house during last year when I told him I wanted to do a paternity test and started to call her all sorts of names to my mother. He told me he's see me in court ( didnt understand that at all ) It left me wondering did he know all along aswell and by his reaction I think he did even though its not so important I suppose.
In the end I did a sibling dna test with my brother and it proved we have diff male dna fairly proving the validity of what my aunt told me. If it seems like I am sucked into all their fear its because I am and Ive learned that since a child.
Please help me with your advice and worldly experiences.
God Bless
C
RockRose,
What an insightful post!!
I think You hit the nail on the head, Girl!!
What an insightful post!!
I think You hit the nail on the head, Girl!!
I think you're in pain, and you're kind of "guessing" what is causing you pain, and you're guessing wrong.
When my son was 3 he had a hairline fracture in his forearm bone. He also had a scratch on his forearm, and he complained for a couple days that this scratch kept hurting. He'd point to it - it looked fine to me, healing fine - and say this reallllyyyy hurts. He was feeling pain in his forearm, and when he looked at his forearm all he could see wrong was that little scratch, so he guessed wrongly that was causing his pain.
I think you're doing the same thing. You're in a lot of pain, and don't feel like you belong anywhere (which isn't an uncommon thing for people with lifelong depression to say), and you're looking at your life situation and guessing you feel that way because the man who raised you isn't your biological father.
I really think you need therapy, to discover and hopefully heal, the problem you have felt all your life with feeling dissociated.
Best wishes.
When my son was 3 he had a hairline fracture in his forearm bone. He also had a scratch on his forearm, and he complained for a couple days that this scratch kept hurting. He'd point to it - it looked fine to me, healing fine - and say this reallllyyyy hurts. He was feeling pain in his forearm, and when he looked at his forearm all he could see wrong was that little scratch, so he guessed wrongly that was causing his pain.
I think you're doing the same thing. You're in a lot of pain, and don't feel like you belong anywhere (which isn't an uncommon thing for people with lifelong depression to say), and you're looking at your life situation and guessing you feel that way because the man who raised you isn't your biological father.
I really think you need therapy, to discover and hopefully heal, the problem you have felt all your life with feeling dissociated.
Best wishes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi again, I do believe that you have to do what you have to do to gain peace of mind. Having empathy wasn't meant to curtail your quest for truth but rather an approach to take with your parents that might be effective. If they are feeling less defensive, they may be more helpful.
I do understand what you are saying. Your world has never felt right and you didn't know why. Maybe this is why and you feel like those in your life owe it to you to be honest. Well, they do.
But I hear a sadness beyond this subject in your writing.
I don't know if your parents will ever open up with you. And even though it caused a rift between them, perhaps your aunt could be more helpful privately with you.
I do wish you luck and once again---------- peace.
I do understand what you are saying. Your world has never felt right and you didn't know why. Maybe this is why and you feel like those in your life owe it to you to be honest. Well, they do.
But I hear a sadness beyond this subject in your writing.
I don't know if your parents will ever open up with you. And even though it caused a rift between them, perhaps your aunt could be more helpful privately with you.
I do wish you luck and once again---------- peace.
I will try to explain how it feels to me.
Try to understand that all this stuff is happening and you were aware of the cause of it. i.e you knew that you had a diff. bio dad, that he died when you were 6, that you then grew up in your family where you knew daddy was not your real dad and as a consequence felt out of place all your growing up, teenager life. Like something was missing. I never knew my real dad. So in the end hypothetically you will be damaged but all along have knowledge why.
Then compare that to this all still happening and never once knowing about the root cause until 31 1/2 yrs later.
For me this is how I describe the void or lack of knowledge about my situation and why it left me where I am. Square one here we come!
Try to understand that all this stuff is happening and you were aware of the cause of it. i.e you knew that you had a diff. bio dad, that he died when you were 6, that you then grew up in your family where you knew daddy was not your real dad and as a consequence felt out of place all your growing up, teenager life. Like something was missing. I never knew my real dad. So in the end hypothetically you will be damaged but all along have knowledge why.
Then compare that to this all still happening and never once knowing about the root cause until 31 1/2 yrs later.
For me this is how I describe the void or lack of knowledge about my situation and why it left me where I am. Square one here we come!
I know me writing can seem to throw more fuel on the fire but I want to respond to your posts. Im missing much of the story too concerning how I feel about all of this. Hence why I am talking to people across the atlantic to help me maybe understand. Lack of knowledge of my own feelings is whats leaving me kind of stranded on desert island. Even though I am not in touch with those felings from that time I think I can say that I always felt different but never knew why like there was something wrong and eventually those thoughts find their home in you that you are the problem. Like I didn't really belong in the family. But in general they didnt treat me like an outsider. I just always felt that way. From what Ive been told no siblings knew.
Advice about things happening 33 yrs ago I acept thanks for that. Its just that for so long Ive had to see others point of view while in process abandoning my own true point of view which I never could have.
Your advice about empathy I also believe in. This is why I have let the problem of trying to meet my parenst rest. They are not ready and mightn't in any direct way ever be. Thats the complexity of the bond at the moment.
However, empathy for myself ( can you have it for yourself ? ) is something I need to stock up on.
I accept your point that having John Smiths DNA doesnt't change who I am but on a subtler level which is where all these emotions are unresolved and where the battle is taking place to get peace it does. Each and everyone of us grows up and develops and begins finding out who we are through our relationships with those close to us, through friendships, breakups, sharing of ourselves with others etc. If you alone existed you could never begin to find out who you are. So, for me to find out 31.5 yrs later that not so much that I have John Smiths DNA but more importantly that this truth was hidden from me and people were not honest is surely at least in the interim going to change my view of my mother, father, siblings , whole family structure in the light of how I was feeling for much of my growing up life and therefore change me. This is already happening with me and my parents.
Only issue going on in my life is that it doesnt seem to be going on!, moving forward. Have been stuck confused emotionally for some years, just getting by, but never happy or content that I was moving forward. Left my job in June last year because I was overwhelmed by the spectacle of waiting for the results of this test.
Advice about things happening 33 yrs ago I acept thanks for that. Its just that for so long Ive had to see others point of view while in process abandoning my own true point of view which I never could have.
Your advice about empathy I also believe in. This is why I have let the problem of trying to meet my parenst rest. They are not ready and mightn't in any direct way ever be. Thats the complexity of the bond at the moment.
However, empathy for myself ( can you have it for yourself ? ) is something I need to stock up on.
I accept your point that having John Smiths DNA doesnt't change who I am but on a subtler level which is where all these emotions are unresolved and where the battle is taking place to get peace it does. Each and everyone of us grows up and develops and begins finding out who we are through our relationships with those close to us, through friendships, breakups, sharing of ourselves with others etc. If you alone existed you could never begin to find out who you are. So, for me to find out 31.5 yrs later that not so much that I have John Smiths DNA but more importantly that this truth was hidden from me and people were not honest is surely at least in the interim going to change my view of my mother, father, siblings , whole family structure in the light of how I was feeling for much of my growing up life and therefore change me. This is already happening with me and my parents.
Only issue going on in my life is that it doesnt seem to be going on!, moving forward. Have been stuck confused emotionally for some years, just getting by, but never happy or content that I was moving forward. Left my job in June last year because I was overwhelmed by the spectacle of waiting for the results of this test.
I like what Brice said about demons Your mother may have had, as I'm a BIG believer that we all have baggage; them, us, you, me. Their pain gets recycled to us and most often we then recycle our pain to our own children, and on and on and on. Your Mother and Father (biological AND adoptive) probably did the best they could at the time with what they had. They cannot re-do/un-do ANY of what they already did. We are all born in a pit - some pits are deeper than others, but it's our job to climb out of the pit and decide what kind of adult we are going to be. We really do get to choose. These issues are Yours now, they belong to You and it's on You to find Your way. I was SO sincere in my earlier post, it truely is/can be that simple. Personal Peace is less complicated than we think and is in our control
P.S.
I LOVE what Brice's psychic said "what are You getting by holding on to that?" - those are WORDS of GOLD!! That would be a great mantra, at all times, for all of us.
P.S.
I LOVE what Brice's psychic said "what are You getting by holding on to that?" - those are WORDS of GOLD!! That would be a great mantra, at all times, for all of us.
Specialmom's post above touched on something that I wanted to get to. She is far more eloquent than I am, but I'll try to elaborate.
I do think part of your problem was the parenting you received. I'm not necessarily blaming your mother. We don't know what kid of demons she was trying to fight off, but with that said a lot of things got deflected your way. That's not fair.... but you can be okay with it. You just have to find peace with the situation. You cannot change that, but you can change the direction you are headed now, both in your own life and in the relationship with your mother. It will be a lot of work and probably a few head aches and heart aches, but once we start to take "judging" or "blame placing" out of the equation, things start to open up and that makes acceptance a little easier.
With all of the things I am working on in my life, I went and saw an "intuitive" or a psychic. (I know, I know, goofy *******) As I sat there and told her my story, telling her about things that were eating away at my very core... things that I hadn't told my therapist even at that point, I had an epiphany. The intuitive asked me, "what are you getting by holding on to that?". Then the epiphany hit me right between the eyes.... I am getting nothing from holding on to that. That little statement alone opened up so much space to allow so much healing, forgiveness, and progress to take place. Don't get me wrong. I still struggle with not knowing who I am sometimes, and it's a booger when I am struggling with it, but dealing with it and looking at the fact that I may never know is something that I can deal with. The pain or the hurt is still there, but it is no longer front page news.
I do think part of your problem was the parenting you received. I'm not necessarily blaming your mother. We don't know what kid of demons she was trying to fight off, but with that said a lot of things got deflected your way. That's not fair.... but you can be okay with it. You just have to find peace with the situation. You cannot change that, but you can change the direction you are headed now, both in your own life and in the relationship with your mother. It will be a lot of work and probably a few head aches and heart aches, but once we start to take "judging" or "blame placing" out of the equation, things start to open up and that makes acceptance a little easier.
With all of the things I am working on in my life, I went and saw an "intuitive" or a psychic. (I know, I know, goofy *******) As I sat there and told her my story, telling her about things that were eating away at my very core... things that I hadn't told my therapist even at that point, I had an epiphany. The intuitive asked me, "what are you getting by holding on to that?". Then the epiphany hit me right between the eyes.... I am getting nothing from holding on to that. That little statement alone opened up so much space to allow so much healing, forgiveness, and progress to take place. Don't get me wrong. I still struggle with not knowing who I am sometimes, and it's a booger when I am struggling with it, but dealing with it and looking at the fact that I may never know is something that I can deal with. The pain or the hurt is still there, but it is no longer front page news.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, mdbaby. It sounds like you have had bad feelings from the parenting you received and it creates this "lost" feeling in you. That you have second guessed yourself for so long and to now feel there was really a reason for it is probabl y really hard.
Let me just say that I encourage you to sort out your feelings in general with this new challenge included in that. But even without that, seperating yourself emotionally from your family (and by that I don't mean physically because unless they abuse you, we all need family) might be good for you. For you to gain that feeling of being just fine with who you are regardless of things your family has said and done in the past. That inner peace of knowing that you are a fine person AS YOU ARE.
I agree that it is them that can't deal with this. They've been lying so long and this 'exposure' means something completely different to them than you. Not really fair but hopefully you will someday get your answers.
Make a life for yourself with them in the background and YOU in the foreground. Peace dear.
Let me just say that I encourage you to sort out your feelings in general with this new challenge included in that. But even without that, seperating yourself emotionally from your family (and by that I don't mean physically because unless they abuse you, we all need family) might be good for you. For you to gain that feeling of being just fine with who you are regardless of things your family has said and done in the past. That inner peace of knowing that you are a fine person AS YOU ARE.
I agree that it is them that can't deal with this. They've been lying so long and this 'exposure' means something completely different to them than you. Not really fair but hopefully you will someday get your answers.
Make a life for yourself with them in the background and YOU in the foreground. Peace dear.
Tnx for the posts. Have not enough time now to digest and reply properly to each of your various points. But I know that everything I write is me at least if not exactly feeling that way me trying to seacrh out how I feel about me , this revelation me trying to find my voice which thru one way or the other Ive lost confidence in. Sometimes I am maybe dramatising it but its me trying to get an understanding of me now.Yes, It doesnt change who I am , I am still me but that is the problem in essence. I was never really given permission to be me growing up so who I am now I dont really like and can be extremely hard on. Its just like there are so many directiosn to go in and what ashould I do. Lots of procrastination. Must realise that this is a painful transition . I can remember one time when going to my brothers graduation and I wanted to wear a smart polo shirt and khaki pants or whatever and the uproar I got from my mother was like I had killed a child. In the end I did wear what I wanted but I know it was as if I had spoiled the day. Scapegoat for everything I was.Things like these are kinda reflective of how she was for unconscious reasons not letting me be myself. This from your mother serves simply to break a persons will which is not good to say the least. Obviously, acceptance I need now like manna from heaven.But also remembr that "daddy " I never considered my stepfather just my dad. same with mom. For all intents and purposes from an outsiders, relatives point of view a normal child of the family even if inside I was feeling all sorts of mixed up feelings and powerful emotions of anger and repressed feelings. I remember suicide thoughts when a teenager wanting to get back at my parenst were for a time running through my head. This is the effect keeping the truth from me had. Yes maybe I am adding two and two together there too quickly but all I know is that I am confused now and have to start making connections about certain thinsg in the past. We all want to be stars inthis life but sometimes through force of emotional turmoil we revert to emotional black holes. This is what I have been left with and then no one wants to talk. But I am slowly realising that its them who are really incapable of dealing with this but I can with more effort each day regain my strength.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Brice, I actually agree with you and think that the way our Mdbaby has written that more is going on here.
No matter what emotion someone has regarding something though--- it is THEIR emotion and they are entitled to it. I'd not want someone to feel like I didn't think they should feel a certain way about something, especially a situation like this, but questioning what all goes into it might help them understand themselves. Understanding themselves is a way to get peace.
Oh, do I ramble. Hope I'm making sense.
I think when someone feels a loss, the subject can become quite sensitive and that is understandable.
No matter what emotion someone has regarding something though--- it is THEIR emotion and they are entitled to it. I'd not want someone to feel like I didn't think they should feel a certain way about something, especially a situation like this, but questioning what all goes into it might help them understand themselves. Understanding themselves is a way to get peace.
Oh, do I ramble. Hope I'm making sense.
I think when someone feels a loss, the subject can become quite sensitive and that is understandable.
I hope that what I said came across right. I'm not trying to offend, rather trying to add depth to the scenario.
Recently with all of the changes I've been making in my life, I've noticed how different things affect different people differently.... (lot of different there, sorry.) For some, the issue above is no big deal and they are completely fine with not knowing. Then on the other end of the spectrum, the thing is debilitating. I think its fair to add that there are plenty of stops in between the 2 points as well. I'd also guess that there are numbers of stimuli that affect that as well. (My depression disorder is one of those things)
Anyhow, certainly no offense taken on my end... hope md can find the help and peace he needs,.
Recently with all of the changes I've been making in my life, I've noticed how different things affect different people differently.... (lot of different there, sorry.) For some, the issue above is no big deal and they are completely fine with not knowing. Then on the other end of the spectrum, the thing is debilitating. I think its fair to add that there are plenty of stops in between the 2 points as well. I'd also guess that there are numbers of stimuli that affect that as well. (My depression disorder is one of those things)
Anyhow, certainly no offense taken on my end... hope md can find the help and peace he needs,.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Point taken. When I refer to it not changing who you are, I mean something other than 'the details'. I'm speaking of the things in your soul. I am the person on the inside regardless of those details. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to know those details brice. But my soul is something I know already. That is something that can't be influenced by the details. And that was what I was refering to.
I'm not adopted. I have a distant father that I'm not sure he could come up with any info from my childhood and a dead mother. I lack some of those things that others have such as the 'stories' about themselves as a kid. As my boys have entered my life, the doctor will ask me "did you do that as a kid"? I ask my older sister who typically has no recollection. But my mother would have known. This is quite different than being adopted but just wanted to let you know that I empathize with feeling like info is missing. I don't have access to things I'd like to know.
I do agree that wanting to know all of the details about one's genetics would be something most would long for. Sorry if I implied otherwise!
Peace to all and sincerely hope that mdbaby finds his.
I'm not adopted. I have a distant father that I'm not sure he could come up with any info from my childhood and a dead mother. I lack some of those things that others have such as the 'stories' about themselves as a kid. As my boys have entered my life, the doctor will ask me "did you do that as a kid"? I ask my older sister who typically has no recollection. But my mother would have known. This is quite different than being adopted but just wanted to let you know that I empathize with feeling like info is missing. I don't have access to things I'd like to know.
I do agree that wanting to know all of the details about one's genetics would be something most would long for. Sorry if I implied otherwise!
Peace to all and sincerely hope that mdbaby finds his.
I've gone through the confusion as well, differently than you... but similar. What I try to concentrate on is what is going right in my world, and I know that I can only be in control of me.
What I don't understand regarding your situation is the hostility directed at you from your mother or step father. Who knows what battles they are fighting on the inside with this. Perhaps some of it is them protecting you from the truth in the matter, and they think it will hurt/harm you in some way.... maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I kind of get the feeling that they are playing with your best interest in mind. Be patient man, and realize that for the most part you are okay. I feel that one day the puzzle I am trying to solve will have all of the pieces, and I think that holds true for you too.
Have you tried doing any research on your own??? If you have or do, you have to be prepared for whatever you may find. Might be wonderful, or the worst thing ever.... you have to understand that before you jump in.,
What I don't understand regarding your situation is the hostility directed at you from your mother or step father. Who knows what battles they are fighting on the inside with this. Perhaps some of it is them protecting you from the truth in the matter, and they think it will hurt/harm you in some way.... maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I kind of get the feeling that they are playing with your best interest in mind. Be patient man, and realize that for the most part you are okay. I feel that one day the puzzle I am trying to solve will have all of the pieces, and I think that holds true for you too.
Have you tried doing any research on your own??? If you have or do, you have to be prepared for whatever you may find. Might be wonderful, or the worst thing ever.... you have to understand that before you jump in.,
I'm trying to find a way to better explain this. So many people that I have talked to regarding this question have the same ideas you do, and I know that it is all said with good intentions. "You may have John Smith's dna, but it really does not change who you are" is a pretty sterile statement in the fact that biologically it doesn't change a thing.
What is missing is this connection of knowing who you really are. I personally don't know anything about my nationality, potential genetic health concerns, (heart conditions, alzeheimers, stroke, lou gherigs, etc.). Things like that are missing. As a kid, I knew to be thankful for the parents I had... honestly, probably couldn't have found a better mother. But I was not hers.... there are questions she couldn't answer, and when she'd try, her answers didn't match my fathers, my grandparents, or anyone else in the family. I just could not get a straight answer on some questions.
Obviously this isn't a problem for some people in these shoes, but for a lot of people it is. Folks who really mean no ill-intent often say things like, "it doesn't matter who your birth parents are". But it does...I have felt lost for the majority of my 44 years. Of couse there have been good times too numerous to remember, but being confused or not knowing is always there. I can go days, weeks, months even without thinking about it. I'd guess this is the case with md too.
You and the other posters above are all very intelligent and very compassionate, and I have learned so much from you folks on this thread and numerous others. But this is one of those things that the only real knowledge one can have on the subject is by being in that situation. I know nobody means any harm, and saying of the positive things about the parents we have is awesome and nice to hear. But it just cannot answer the questions.
If I ever had the opportunity to meet my birth parents, I'd honestly like to sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and just ask questions. I'm fine with not having a "relationship" with them. I'm mature enough to handle any of the reasons that they gave me up for adoption and am thankful that they had the insight to consider adoption over the other options.
What is missing is this connection of knowing who you really are. I personally don't know anything about my nationality, potential genetic health concerns, (heart conditions, alzeheimers, stroke, lou gherigs, etc.). Things like that are missing. As a kid, I knew to be thankful for the parents I had... honestly, probably couldn't have found a better mother. But I was not hers.... there are questions she couldn't answer, and when she'd try, her answers didn't match my fathers, my grandparents, or anyone else in the family. I just could not get a straight answer on some questions.
Obviously this isn't a problem for some people in these shoes, but for a lot of people it is. Folks who really mean no ill-intent often say things like, "it doesn't matter who your birth parents are". But it does...I have felt lost for the majority of my 44 years. Of couse there have been good times too numerous to remember, but being confused or not knowing is always there. I can go days, weeks, months even without thinking about it. I'd guess this is the case with md too.
You and the other posters above are all very intelligent and very compassionate, and I have learned so much from you folks on this thread and numerous others. But this is one of those things that the only real knowledge one can have on the subject is by being in that situation. I know nobody means any harm, and saying of the positive things about the parents we have is awesome and nice to hear. But it just cannot answer the questions.
If I ever had the opportunity to meet my birth parents, I'd honestly like to sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and just ask questions. I'm fine with not having a "relationship" with them. I'm mature enough to handle any of the reasons that they gave me up for adoption and am thankful that they had the insight to consider adoption over the other options.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with Rockrose. I'm afraid I am missing something here. Did you always feel like an outsider and were treated as such? You kind of imply that with your brother. Do you believe he knew as well?
I guess I'm left to wonder how you can not also see that perhaps things happened 33 years ago that neither you mother is proud of or that your father either didn't fully know about or is still hurt by so they react badly to someone deciding for them to tell you. Now, I do not negate their responsibilty in being honest with you. It hurts to have something so crucial to your make up (such as parentage) being held from you even when you have discovered that there have been falsehoods told.
But I will tell you, you will get farther with empathy. Knowing that your mother must have been desperate to set up this scenario of lies to protect herself and maybe you (33 years ago, scandals about kids born under certain circumstances were more common than they are today and who would want their child looked down on??)
While you may find out that you have John Smith's dna---- it really does not change who you are, does it? And if you find out that your father is not your bio dad, does that change who he is?
I agree about the void of information, even the feeling of loss that you were never given the option of knowing bio dad (did he want to be involved though?) or that you would have liked to be in on the big family secret. And I get that it would be frustrating to have a bit of the truth with others saying that is all you are going to get.
My suggestion is that you yourself tread lightly. It will get you farther. And while I think you feel like a victem here---- remember, these people have lived a lie so long that it is their comfort zone. Let them warm up to the idea of telling their secret. And once you know everything, everyone will know everything. That is exposure that they have to prepare themselves for.
See what I'm saying? I'm with you---- this hurts. And I do hope you get the closure you seek.
Have there been other issues going on in your life? Just curious. good luck and peace
I guess I'm left to wonder how you can not also see that perhaps things happened 33 years ago that neither you mother is proud of or that your father either didn't fully know about or is still hurt by so they react badly to someone deciding for them to tell you. Now, I do not negate their responsibilty in being honest with you. It hurts to have something so crucial to your make up (such as parentage) being held from you even when you have discovered that there have been falsehoods told.
But I will tell you, you will get farther with empathy. Knowing that your mother must have been desperate to set up this scenario of lies to protect herself and maybe you (33 years ago, scandals about kids born under certain circumstances were more common than they are today and who would want their child looked down on??)
While you may find out that you have John Smith's dna---- it really does not change who you are, does it? And if you find out that your father is not your bio dad, does that change who he is?
I agree about the void of information, even the feeling of loss that you were never given the option of knowing bio dad (did he want to be involved though?) or that you would have liked to be in on the big family secret. And I get that it would be frustrating to have a bit of the truth with others saying that is all you are going to get.
My suggestion is that you yourself tread lightly. It will get you farther. And while I think you feel like a victem here---- remember, these people have lived a lie so long that it is their comfort zone. Let them warm up to the idea of telling their secret. And once you know everything, everyone will know everything. That is exposure that they have to prepare themselves for.
See what I'm saying? I'm with you---- this hurts. And I do hope you get the closure you seek.
Have there been other issues going on in your life? Just curious. good luck and peace
mdbaby, I see what Brice is saying and respect it because I'm not in that situation, I just have to believe it because those who are adopted often say this.
What I don't understand is your description of a "searing betrayal".
I don't know the story here - why your family decided to raise you and your siblings as a nuclear family, and not acknowledge that your father isn't biologically your father, but I personally don't think that's a bad decision. Children who aren't biologically related to a parent while other sibs in the house are often feel distanced from the family, not a full member. It sounds like your parents didn't want you to feel that way.
I think you probably should seek therapy. I think there's something huge that's bothering you, and you're kind of "taking it out" on this relatively minor fact in your life.
Best wishes.
What I don't understand is your description of a "searing betrayal".
I don't know the story here - why your family decided to raise you and your siblings as a nuclear family, and not acknowledge that your father isn't biologically your father, but I personally don't think that's a bad decision. Children who aren't biologically related to a parent while other sibs in the house are often feel distanced from the family, not a full member. It sounds like your parents didn't want you to feel that way.
I think you probably should seek therapy. I think there's something huge that's bothering you, and you're kind of "taking it out" on this relatively minor fact in your life.
Best wishes.
Hi Brice1967,
Tnx again for your input. I definitely need to get out more but I am glad for this outlet for expression and for getting helpful and sympathetci responses. Its just the tremendous confusion with being given everything you need to feel you fit in ( I look at it like over-compensation by my mom ) but inside things dont add up. It causes alot of pressure, looking at your brothers and sister and how they are doing things, on the child,teenager then to feel they have to return all that giving by achieving parents expectations and losing or not developing their own sense of self and I still suffer from that to this day and all the while never having one shred of knowledge why all this internal confusion. Dont know yet how to do things fully by myself and for myself. Half doing things mostly or not completing them. Still feel weight of the world on me to be seen good and accepted in my parents eyes. But that is changing slowly. My dad just shouts you have brains ( thought we all have one :) and they are terrified that I wont use them but they dont understand that Im like a scared or nervous horse who cannot be pushed where they think I should go. It was like this when I was 18 aswell. I need to be set free first from all the painful past. Even though brain is necessary in this life the heart is more valuable I think. But God has guided me to and given me a secret weapon against all of it and I need to use it. Kriya Yoga.
God Bless You
C
Tnx again for your input. I definitely need to get out more but I am glad for this outlet for expression and for getting helpful and sympathetci responses. Its just the tremendous confusion with being given everything you need to feel you fit in ( I look at it like over-compensation by my mom ) but inside things dont add up. It causes alot of pressure, looking at your brothers and sister and how they are doing things, on the child,teenager then to feel they have to return all that giving by achieving parents expectations and losing or not developing their own sense of self and I still suffer from that to this day and all the while never having one shred of knowledge why all this internal confusion. Dont know yet how to do things fully by myself and for myself. Half doing things mostly or not completing them. Still feel weight of the world on me to be seen good and accepted in my parents eyes. But that is changing slowly. My dad just shouts you have brains ( thought we all have one :) and they are terrified that I wont use them but they dont understand that Im like a scared or nervous horse who cannot be pushed where they think I should go. It was like this when I was 18 aswell. I need to be set free first from all the painful past. Even though brain is necessary in this life the heart is more valuable I think. But God has guided me to and given me a secret weapon against all of it and I need to use it. Kriya Yoga.
God Bless You
C
I am living under a similar circumstance. I was adopted at birth by the greatest "mother" there ever could be. My "dad" wasn't the best father, and I can deal with that.... I have learned a lot from him and because of him.
At the age of about 6, I found out that I had been adopted. The adoption process was explained to me by my mom. I was content knowing that my mom loved me and would care and provide for me until I left the nest. Really, we are/were a family and there was no lack of love. Not even to this day!
What there is though is a lack of knowledge. There is a void.... People who have never been through this will often say, "get over it" or that "your adopted parents are your parents". All of that is fine, and I'd never disagree that my adopted mother is MY mother. There is a void of not knowing "self". There is a history void... my children's family history begins with me because there is no biological past, no medical history... People who have not been through it just don't get it.
I am sorry that you have to go through this and have no support.
At the age of about 6, I found out that I had been adopted. The adoption process was explained to me by my mom. I was content knowing that my mom loved me and would care and provide for me until I left the nest. Really, we are/were a family and there was no lack of love. Not even to this day!
What there is though is a lack of knowledge. There is a void.... People who have never been through this will often say, "get over it" or that "your adopted parents are your parents". All of that is fine, and I'd never disagree that my adopted mother is MY mother. There is a void of not knowing "self". There is a history void... my children's family history begins with me because there is no biological past, no medical history... People who have not been through it just don't get it.
I am sorry that you have to go through this and have no support.
Hi AHP84,
Thanks for your understanding. I think Tinkerbell missed my main point. Dont get me wrong, Im not the type who is now angry because I never met my real dad etc and who does now not accept the dad I always knew as daddy. Perhaps those emotions will come way down the line. Really, Its just that I cant establish any communication with my parents who I always have and will see as my loving parents with this new truth on the table. There is the conflict. Its just an instinctual reaction to go back to my parents to help me understand but the door is being shut. Its a life lesson for me that I hope I can pass. To me, also love isnt concealing a truth from someone for so long and then when it has been proven through dna test to let the person pick up the pieces of their broken emotional self all alone. But this is families. As soon as I can accept this fact about me ( which feels like a riddle )and not be in denial of my life I will be giving my parents a very wide berth which I am already being forced to do now anyway and they are doing to me. I am trying to understand accept let go and take back my power.
Thanks for your understanding. I think Tinkerbell missed my main point. Dont get me wrong, Im not the type who is now angry because I never met my real dad etc and who does now not accept the dad I always knew as daddy. Perhaps those emotions will come way down the line. Really, Its just that I cant establish any communication with my parents who I always have and will see as my loving parents with this new truth on the table. There is the conflict. Its just an instinctual reaction to go back to my parents to help me understand but the door is being shut. Its a life lesson for me that I hope I can pass. To me, also love isnt concealing a truth from someone for so long and then when it has been proven through dna test to let the person pick up the pieces of their broken emotional self all alone. But this is families. As soon as I can accept this fact about me ( which feels like a riddle )and not be in denial of my life I will be giving my parents a very wide berth which I am already being forced to do now anyway and they are doing to me. I am trying to understand accept let go and take back my power.
I do agree with what Tinkerbell says, however, from personal experience of going through a VERY similar scenario with a family member of mine, it's not just as simple as "love isn't DNA" and accept how things are and move forward with your life. I understand that it's much more complicated than that.
I am very sorry that your parents are not helping you understand not just an emotional part of your life, but a physical part. The family member that I speak of in my experience has very limited emotional support as well from his family; it's a sensitive issue because the adoptive father raised this person from birth when he had every right to leave the mother for her affair. So naturally, he basically shuts down and refuses to talk about it with his adopted child, even after nearly 30 years.
Unlike your situation, the situation of my family member still has a living bio father and has gotten in touch with him and the extended family. They got a DNA test only to affirm a genetic relationship for closure for my family member. The extended family now would like to establish a relationship. The bio father, however, is still, for the most part, MIA. But the bio father's extended family is trying to make an effort to establish a relationship. This person's family/adoptive father's side of the family do not know this contact has been made. They would be furious and very hurt. But, this person now has closure in knowing that the physical part that was, for the most part, unknown for the duration of their lifetime is now answered. While this person was not looking to replace their adoptive father, it was important to this person to know where they came from; who they were physically, genetically. This person also has children, so a lot of the motivation to pursue a DNA test was to determine medical and genetics for not only themself, but their family. They are not pursuing a relationship with the bio father, nor is the bio father doing much to establish a relationship--I think he wanted to, but he has spent nearly 30 years doing nothing and uninvolved, so after a couple of weeks of phone calls, he has basically lost motivation.
Even though this person will always recognize and acknowledge the adoptive father as "dad," all adopted children will ultimately ask the questions, "Who am I and where did I come from? What's the story of how I got here and why I am where I am today?" It has nothing to do with having a loving adoptive family or not. Everyone should have the right to know that about themselves, and I can't imagine not knowing.
Again, I am sorry that your family is not understanding or supportive of this, and that the link to finding the truth otherwise through your bio father is gone.
I guess what I'd recommend is to try to make any contact with family members on your bio father's side of the family. Since your family is not supportive or understanding (like my family member's family is, for the most part), then the only option you have left is the other way around. You can't expect to force your family to tell you the truth if they can't even face it themselves because the pain, guilt, shame, or lack of knowledge is there. They have to face that when they're ready, and they may never be. It's a very sensitive issue, but it's a shame that they lack any respect, consideration, or courtesy in letting you know what they think just because you are asking the basic and rightful questions of "Who am I, where did I come from, and what's the story of how I got here?"
It does matter. I hope you find peace some day.
I am very sorry that your parents are not helping you understand not just an emotional part of your life, but a physical part. The family member that I speak of in my experience has very limited emotional support as well from his family; it's a sensitive issue because the adoptive father raised this person from birth when he had every right to leave the mother for her affair. So naturally, he basically shuts down and refuses to talk about it with his adopted child, even after nearly 30 years.
Unlike your situation, the situation of my family member still has a living bio father and has gotten in touch with him and the extended family. They got a DNA test only to affirm a genetic relationship for closure for my family member. The extended family now would like to establish a relationship. The bio father, however, is still, for the most part, MIA. But the bio father's extended family is trying to make an effort to establish a relationship. This person's family/adoptive father's side of the family do not know this contact has been made. They would be furious and very hurt. But, this person now has closure in knowing that the physical part that was, for the most part, unknown for the duration of their lifetime is now answered. While this person was not looking to replace their adoptive father, it was important to this person to know where they came from; who they were physically, genetically. This person also has children, so a lot of the motivation to pursue a DNA test was to determine medical and genetics for not only themself, but their family. They are not pursuing a relationship with the bio father, nor is the bio father doing much to establish a relationship--I think he wanted to, but he has spent nearly 30 years doing nothing and uninvolved, so after a couple of weeks of phone calls, he has basically lost motivation.
Even though this person will always recognize and acknowledge the adoptive father as "dad," all adopted children will ultimately ask the questions, "Who am I and where did I come from? What's the story of how I got here and why I am where I am today?" It has nothing to do with having a loving adoptive family or not. Everyone should have the right to know that about themselves, and I can't imagine not knowing.
Again, I am sorry that your family is not understanding or supportive of this, and that the link to finding the truth otherwise through your bio father is gone.
I guess what I'd recommend is to try to make any contact with family members on your bio father's side of the family. Since your family is not supportive or understanding (like my family member's family is, for the most part), then the only option you have left is the other way around. You can't expect to force your family to tell you the truth if they can't even face it themselves because the pain, guilt, shame, or lack of knowledge is there. They have to face that when they're ready, and they may never be. It's a very sensitive issue, but it's a shame that they lack any respect, consideration, or courtesy in letting you know what they think just because you are asking the basic and rightful questions of "Who am I, where did I come from, and what's the story of how I got here?"
It does matter. I hope you find peace some day.
Love isn't DNA (otherwise, how could we love our spouses and adopted children?). Nothing "sacred" happens when an egg and a sperm meet. That's just biology. The man who raised You is Your Dad. I know this is short but You would do best to keep it short and not complicate it.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
