Serious advice about affair and your thoughts.

[Scaredandconfused2015]

I want to first start by saying I suffer from clinical depression/anxiety. Not to use this as an excuse, however I want to shed light on my esteem (or the lack thereof) and personality (I've always been needy and fear abandonment/rejection from childhood). However, I've been married for less than two years though my husband and I have been together since college. In my eyes he was perfect without flaw. However, a little over 2.5yrs of dating, I found out he was sexting another woman which I was deeply (and I mean deeply hurt by). I felt as if I weren't enough and again my esteem went downhill. It took me awhile to forgive him but I did because loved him and trusted that he'd never do it again. A couple of months later he unknowingly proposed. I was happy because I felt like we were a good team, that we were capable of making it through thick and thin in addition to the unconditional love being there. We married without a wedding and I was ok with it at the time because we planned to have it later. We relocated and started our new lives together. Everything was great and I really had no complaints (however, overtime I felt like I losses my identity). Months into our marriage, I happened to see an social app on his phone (which I initially had no problem with), which he used to chat with friends. Checked the app and he only had two female friends and I seen that he exchanged pictures with one (who was a friend of his families). His photo was decent but hers were of not so decent... And then suddenly a new message came in where I was unable to fully open it due to him snatching the phone and deleting the full conversation. I just left it alone because if nothing's going on then there's no need to hide anything as we've never had a issue with being open with our phones. Again, I was hurt but let it go. A year later my husband goes away on business. I did the dumbest thing I could've ever done and slept with someone who I naively confided in. I stopped the act but it still doesn't make it any better. I am deeply sorry and have been battling with the guilt. I tried to tell my husband as he could tell something was "different." I told him part of the story but ask I kept talking was seeping further into anguish as I could see the look on his face. I couldn't continue as I couldn't stop crying from the thought of what I've done. He told me he forgives me but for now on to confide only in him. Which I tried but I didn't feel like he was hearing me. For some reason I can't let this go because I'm disappointed in my actions as a woman, as his wife and feel like I will never be forgiven. I am so ashamed of myself I can't face myself. I love my husband and though it may not be apparent based off my actions I would never want to see him hurt. I can't stand the thought of seeing him in pain. Idk what to do.

[specialmom]

Well, time will tell if he and your relationship can heal from this.  Expect some pretty rocky times ahead.  It is best if a couple going through this can work with a therapist to help guide them.  good luck

[Scaredandconfused2015]

I told my husband but before that I sat in my garage crying for about 30mins asking God to tell me what to do. So I called him and told him and he was highly upset. He hung up because he was around people (he was irate) and texted back and asked when, where, what happened and etc. I told him everything and I told him that I'm sorry. I took responsibility for putting myself in that situation and for hurting him and that I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I told him that I didn't want to deceive him so I felt it was best to come forward (I live by what's done in the dark comes to light). He went to a quiet place so that we could talk and he asked what did he do.. I told him that I don't want to put the blame on him and that it was my fault( I was at a weak moment in my life). He says that he he loves me and isn't divorcing me BUT I seriously need to get my **** together.

[Scaredandconfused2015]

Thank you. I appreciate your advice and will never do this again. I truly love my husband and want this to work. I have just started working with a therapist alone and so far she believes I have underlying issues to work on. You are right about being able to work this out without confiding in others. I shouldn't have done that and the thought makes me sick every minute. I wish I could undo this I really do but I can't :(. I'm hurting so bad and have actually flunked out of school because I can't handle it anymore. Thank you for your advice ism learning to face my problems instead of running away which has always been my defense mechanism.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in and all of the angst you are feeling.  That is difficult, I'm sure.

I'm not sure what you are asking---  but I will say that we all make mistakes.  You made a significant and grave mistake.  Life changing even.  Why?  That is something you need to explore.  I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist, alone, to discuss the whys of how you got yourself in this position.  EVEN when someone has done us wrong and we are upset about it, you still allowed yourself to confide in someone, get close enough with someone that you ended up alone with them and that were intimate with them.  Why.  Try to explore that as painful as it may be.

I wouldn't tell your husband.  That's just me.  But if your marriage will never be the same if you do.  And if you want the marriage and are positive you'd never do this again, I'd not tell him.  Then you have to live with the secret but that gets easier over time.  Your other option is to come clean but realize that this puts the relationship in jeopardy and it may end right then and there or have a long period of great difficulty.

So, see a therapist.  Do you see one for your depression and anxiety?  Make sure that you do not use excuses or dwell on fluffy things like I invest in others needs but ignore mine . .    as all of that is just rationalizing that our brain does without really helping.  You can address needs in a marriage without sleeping with someone else, right?  :)  So stay focused on understanding this in a realistic way.  It will enlighten you and give you the ability to really work on what is going on.

We are here if you need any help or to talk. peace and hugs.  You'll get through this!

[Scaredandconfused2015]

I deeply feel like a failure and I don't know what made me do this. Someone told me to forgive myself and move on but apart of me doesn't know how to let go. I'm scared that I will lose my husband, I'm crying as I type this but it's the truth. I get on my knees every night asking God to help me make things right and to help me love myself. I self sabotage everything and it's not that I do it purposely, it's because deep down I can never understand why anyone could love me. I've always invested so heavily in the needs of others that somehow I always neglect mine. I wish I could undo what was done because it was never supposed to happen.