Seven year itch?

[Aruba417]

I've been married for a little over 2 years now. My husband and I have kinda fallen into a slump, and I think it's because I have no interest in sex whatsoever.

We were virgins when we were married, but we messed around other ways. And I always had a good sex drive. We're both in our early 20s, and I can't even get aroused. I just don't want it. Period.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have always gotten along great. We own a house, we both have good jobs, and we still have fun together. But all of a sudden, I feel like we suddenly started growing apart, and I think it's because of my lack of interest in sex.

I feel that part of it is because that romance is gone. He just doesn't try anymore. He doesn't want to shave, he doesn't want to brush his hair, and he doesn't try to "woo" me anymore by taking me on a romantic date. He just gets in bed and is pretty much like, "okay, lets do it now". And I just want to GROAN! I still try my best to look good for HIM. I still wear makeup and exercise...I don't use the bathroom with the door open, or anything. So I'm finding myself blaming him for my not wanting to be in the mood, but I also blame myself for some reason. Am I completely awful?

I've tried to tell him that I can't just be like, "alright, take your clothes off". It's not like that for me at all. I almost need like a whole night of romance. Just some closeness before we do the deed, you know? Is it me? Is it him? What should we do?

[casey22]

I also couldn't get through your story....without laughing. You go girl...I can not believe you did that.

[Aruba417]

OMG, that is freakin hilarious!!! I can't believe you let one rip like that at dinner! But if it made him learn his lesson, then good for you! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

[Adevotee]

I couldn't even finish reading your post. Please use punctuation. You probably have some pretty good advice but it doesn't do anyone any good if they can't read it.

[starymist]

hey ladys here is a secret my grama told and showed me if your man forgets to love you shake him up a little by means of do what he is doing if he wants to be a slobs beat him to the punch line dont shave or brush your hair take him to the bedroom get on him for just enough time for him to get turned on then politely say i gotta go to the bathroom or make up some excuse on why you cant finish or just tell him straight up like oh man then just pause for a min then say gosh ya know im just not as turned on as i thought i was a minute ago oh well sorry about that and walk away but dont do it in a bad way when he wants to know what that was all about and he will trust me theres no better way to get a mans attention then with the almighty booty just say ya know things are changing a little around here it just dosent feel the same some times and then direct a question towards him like do you feel it too baby/honey? kinda play with the questions and be kinda girly/sexy about it like pulling him towards you as you talk about it and get a little naughty with it and tell him all the things you want some times guys need a little coxing to go along with it like move his hands around and talk to him about it sweet and sexy granted it might be a mess at first this way its not the nagging wife lecture thet men dread and tune out but the sexy naughty girl then who knows he might catch on right away the way they think its not thet its a chore its thet they have us and forget thet we wanna feel helpless and sexy so some times we must show them the way to treat us if not it will go down hill from here behind every great man is an even greater woman rember ladys yes the man is the head of the house hold and should always be but the woman is the neck thet can turn that head any time she wants and also rember the wife sets the mood and the atmosphire and i dont want every one to think this works all the time but i can say my man used to fart @ the table all the time untill i ripped a big one in front of his sister @ the table while having an eligant dinner and just went right on like it was nothing i even fanned it with my lap napkin later he asked why and i said well you do it all the time i just figured it was gonna be a custome so i didnt want you to feel like you were gonna have to do it all alone ya know he hasnt done it scense then the same way with the whole selfish sex thing he was left high and dry id say maybe 5 times befor it sunk in now he is so atentive its not even funny and dont fall into a custom/rut of doing things the same way all the time dont be afraid to shake that sugar tree after all it was that sugar tree thet got him to start with good luck sweety

[Liza55]

I went thru the very same thing in my first marriage. It became 'normal' for us to not even have a sexual relationship anymore. Eventually I did leave after counseling and met someone who re-awoke that sexual side of me. Wow- I rediscovered what it felt like to be an attractive, sexy woman again who actually greatly enjoyed sex. That relationship eventually ended for other reasons, but now in my mid 30's I am remarried w/ our first child. You better believe I put sexual compatiblity high on the list, knowing how important it is as part of my whole life. My therapist used to ask me after telling her how much I loved my ex-husband as 'family' or a 'roommate'..."Would you marry your brother?" Of course the answer's NO, but it was more like a friend/family relationship than man and women. Just know wherever destiny leads you, you definitely aren't alone in your experience.

[Aruba417]

Kalio, thanks so much! I am going to discuss it with him this weekend. You give wonderful advice. Dont worry, I would never EVER stray from my marriage. I'm completely devoted to him and only him. Maybe I should take the initiative this weekend and say, "hey, lets do this or that today...I think it would really help get me in the mood..." I know he won't refuse.

Yeah, he's gotten too lazy and comfortable, and it really IS a turn off! Even his mother tells him! That might make it worse, but at least I'm not the only one that notices! ha ha! Thanks again for your advice! It's always nice to hear from other married people that the spark can be there forever, as long as we work at it.

[cheery]

I have been married 14 years, and believe me it has not always been easy- but here is what I have found. If I do things for him (have sex, play video games he likes with him-silly but true, etc) he will feel closer to me and do more for me in turn. You are looking at it the other way- you want him to do things for you and THEN you will be open to sex with him. Men are different- they feel closer the more you make love- women make love more when they feel close. Just give in some and do more for him and see if it doesn't make him feel closer and do more for you (once I realized this it changed our marriage! I enjoy the love making more than I thought possible- and dh feels close to me and does so much for me! He buys me chocolate writes me love notes, does more around the house, calls me in the middle of the day just to tell me he loves me, etc).

I hope this makes sense!
Take care.

[Aruba417]

Thanks everyone for all your great advice.

Although I've mentioned the things that bother me, I've never really sat down with him and have had a heart to heart with him about it, I guess. He's very understanding and very loving...I just think he doesn't get it sometimes. So if I actually sit down and talk to him seriously about it he may work a little harder.

Jojo - you're right. He does NOT have the same mannerisms he had when we were dating. I guess he's just gotten way to comfortable.

Casey - we've tried porno before. It really did get me in the mood, but I don't want that to be the only thing that does it, you know? And I guess I'm not too comfortable with it. I see my doc next week, and I'm going to talk to her about it. Because I'm on Effexor and birth control, and MAYBE that has something to do with it. But I've been on both for over a year and you'd think that sexual side-effects would go away. I'll see what she says. The games are a good idea!

[Kalio1]

You could be right and the anti depressant is contributing but I think the fact that he now "has you" and doesn't bother to go through the effort to shave,be romantic, dream up sweet nothings, etc.any more is a BIG turn off. I don't blame you a bit. they sometimes need things spelled out, not to be condescending or anything but I mean, specifics. It's probably a combo of things. One is, after 7 years we DO sometimes think wistfully..."if only" because we get a touch of the grass is greener flu but truth be known, that grass over there has its problems too if you know what I mean, so it is important you find a way to approach this within the marriage or you will just go on to have to solve it with the next partner. He sure didn't pull that when you were dating! Look at it this way, now you are his WIFE so he should be trying at least as hard as he did to woo you! Or was it all just pretend to fake you into marrying him? No, it wasn't, it sounds to me like he's just gotten lazy and selfish about it and is taking you for granted.
Don't be so hard on yourself, sex does go through dull boring times, a good shot of some of the romantic/sexy things you mention will help you feel closer to him but he needs to be more ATTENTIVE.
Maybe talk to the doc about it too, possibly you could use a lower dose that might lessen the dulling of your sex drive?
Your title says a lot I think, I think there IS a 7 year itch in that a marriage needs a shakeup and reorg now and again. For us it's been at 7 years, again at 14 years and then again at 25 years, so you sound normal to me LOL
I must say that each time we got through it, changes were made and I love him MORE. Sex got better too as the intimacy level compounded on the years and I get a lot more wonderful flowers and sweet suprises now than back when he was younger before I taught him all this stuff.

;)

[Aruba417]

Sailor's Wife - You know, there are days when my hubby has made dinner or cleaned the house. And I have been so surprised and greatful! And he was definitely "repaid" in the bedroom...but I still really wasn't into it and I hate that!

I've even mentioned to him before, that maybe I'm just bored...why dont we go "park" like we did when we were kids? We don't have to have a fancy date. I'm still into the little things we did when we were dating. Lets go pick up a pizza and go star at the stars all night in the middle of nowhere...but I think he forgets! And I did suggest a wonderful haircut, and he looks handsome...but he still doesn't want to come it...he'll just stuff it under a baseball cap. And that doesn't bother me that he does that...but it bothers me when he wants to wear a baseball cap when we go on a date, and I spend all night trying to make myself look gorgeous! Just the other night, we went to a nice dinner for his bday, and when I got out of the shower he was wearing faded jeans and a t-shirt with a baseball cap. And we were going to a nice restaurant! Then he got all sad like a little kid when I gave him his nice NEW clothes to wear and asked him to brush his hair. And he about died when I gave him his wedding ring to put on!! UGH!!! LOL!

sk2006A - He never wants to shave or brush his hair period. He's very hairy and has to shave everyday or he gets scruffy. But he'll go 2 or three days until he has to (for work). And he always puts on a baseball cap - which doesn't bother me all that much except like I said above when we go on a nice date. Before we got married, he'd pick me up at my parents house clean-shaven, hair brushed, nice clothes, and even cologne. Thank God he brushes his teeth! ha ha!

Kalio1 - Sadly, sex DOES feel like a chore for me now. And I feel really bad about that. I DO give in to him, and it DOES make me resent him. I hate that feeling!

Cheery - you're right...doing things that your man means a lot to them...but instead of just making my hubby do loving things for ME, it just makes him more horny! hahahahaha! I mean, I am EXTREMELY greatful that my man still wants me everyday, I just wish I wanted him as much! I know it hurts him...

[Kalio1]

If you are in your twenties then I have been married as long as you have  been alive LOL


I have this to say:

A "good" marriage, takes effort and devotion on the part of BOTH of you. His slug/scruffy behavior is a turn off! No wonder you are turned off. Good marriages don't just happen. They happen because you are both COMMITTED to keeping it a living, thriving thing. Its the effort that makes it. Romance takes effort. Good marriage NEED romance. I think you need to have a real heart to heart with him about this stuff. If you "let yourself go" he wouldn't like it. He needs to think of you and "woo" you and you do the same with him. You guys have to MAKE it exciting and romantic. As time goes on we realize life/love/marriage isn't a fairy tale, it is what WE make it.
Dont "give in" and have sex with him anyway when he won't even bother to shave or takes all the fun out of it with his "come here and do me" act, that will build resentment in you and it will become a "duty" and that can wreck sex. Make it just another chore and things will get worse not better. Be honest with him, demand the same honesty from him and make a plan together to keep your marriage in tip top shape.
Marriage is like a garden, if you don't tend it, it gets weedy and doesn't give you nice flowers and joy any more.
Time to do a little yard work.
;)

[sk2006a]

do you mean he doesn't want to shave or brush his hair just prior to sex, or period?  maybe there are some other problems that are going on with him and he needs someone he can talk to.

[siren of the sea]

i totally understand what you mean by the jumping in bed and hey baby lets get it on! women are wired different. we do need more of the affection and wooing part. its more emotional for us. maybe a few councling sessions could work wonders. go alone at first if you want then bring him in. i think its a natural process in relationships. there will always be ups and downs and that is why they say marriage is hard work. but the communication has to be very open and upfront. not waiting till you feel the only choice you have is to just not do it or to leave. i have told my dh that i would feel more in the mood if i came home from work and dinner was ready, the clothes were folded put away and he kissed me and romanced me throughout the night. he does it. i dont wait untill i cant stand it i tell hiim before. what if you set him up for a mini man makeover? i mean suggest he would look sexy with this haircut or buy him a shirt you think would look sexy on him. men need help sometimes. lol. best of luck

[casey22]

you said you were in your earley 20's right? I am also in my early 20's and have been married for 6 years, and I am going through the same thing. I only want it about once every 2 weeks and he wants it every night. Some nights I just give in. We are to young to feel this way right. Well I think that it is because we have been together for so long, I still love him very much but I just don't have the drive that he has. Might be tmi but maybe a little porno might help. I mean if your up for that kind of thing. Also, you make th plans to go out. I know he should but most men were not created that way. I understand it does make a big difference if you have a romantic evening. My husband got so tired of me rejecting him one time he came up with the idea of playing games..strip poker..truth or dare. It may sound childish but it is fun. Give it  a try. I also know the GRRR feeling.

Now it could also be a medical problem. A lot of women suffer from low sex drive and there are medicanes out there that can help. If you think it is for you contact your doctor. Good luck! And try to give in sometimes.

[jojo24]

Have you tried really sitting him down and talking to him about what's going on? If you have, does he really listen to what you are saying and try to understand what you are going through?  That's the most important thing- communication.  All of that stuff you guys have right now (i.e. the marriage, the house, good jobs, etc.) doesn't amount to a single thing if you can't talk to each other.  it may be that he doesn't have the same mannerisms he had when you fell in love with him.  If he could go back to that it might arouse something in you.  But he has to try too, not just you.