Sex less marriage

[sexlessmarriage]

Hello, My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and when we first met we had "incredible" sex everyday ! (while we were dating) We had a few deaths in the family, my father, his best friend 3 years ago and he has been depressed about his job and trying to keep us financial stable. I understand wher he is depressed about that, but I can't seem to understand how does that make him have a lack of loving me physically? I feel that I am being rejected every time I ask him for sex. He also knows that I want to have a child (not getting any younger) and he always promises me we will try and when we hit the our bed, he is too tired. He has a new job and travels alot and I feel no connection in our marriage. I need to feel loved by him by being intimate and this has been going on for 3 years. I know he loves me but we have a sexless marriage and I can't take it. I get horny or the urge and I am not one who believes in masterbation (masturbation). I really need someone's advice to see what is going on. He says he loves me but he has NO DESIRE to make love to me and show me. When we do make love he just wants me on top. He has gained some weight after marriage and he won't do it in any other position. I feel like it's formality that he is doing me a favor but my heart is broken and i just feel rejection all over my heart and soul. PLEASE SOME ONE HELP AND GIVE ME ADVICE.
Thanks !

[tigerborn62]

I'd like to read other points of views regarding this issue.  I find it very important and is quite possibly an opportunity for me to learn about myself and the man I love, as well.  I go through cycles of "not wanting sex" and I greatly appreciate my partner NOT hounding me about it.  Whenever it's brought up (and rightly so, because we both believe that NOTHING should be off limits for discussion) then I try with all my might to admit to him that I'm feeling down, being hard on myself, and the trust for him is difficult for me to feel.  You may have no idea how much it hurts to have people offer their "criticisms" and "viewpoints" ABOUT you when you're feeling depressed and vulnerable.  They are being heartless and just plain stupid.  I am in pain and you don't kick someone when they're down.  Period.  So you see, I'm unable to have sex with him when I don't trust him enough to have him support and love me when I feel depressed.  I simply tell him I'm having a hard time feeling close to him when I am feeling so darn crappy!  I'm an alpha male, so to speak, and to appear so vulnerable in and of itself is horrifying to me, let alone loving someone and having sex with him.  Do you see what I'm getting at?  There's no way to have sex if one half of the relationship is feeling so lost and distant...even from their own self.  
I am so fortunate that my partner doesn't COME AT ME and try to bully me into anything (and I'm not at all implying that you do this!).  In fact, we have a running "joke" between us that I'm much like a cat.  The more you push for something, the more I"ll pull away.  He is so loving and supportive for me, and we simply find ways to just be.  Just be.  Watch movies together,  Play video games.  Go out for walks.  Whatever.  And we DO NOT talk about heavy drama ALL THE TIME, like some people like to do.  He's there for me and he waits until I calm down.  It's the intimate day to day stuff that we do that keeps us together and when I finally get to the place where I can allow him that close to me (which isn't a "natural" thing for me to do, believe me!), it's only then that we can have sex.  And then we're back to normal...so to speak.  It is and always will be A LOT OF WORK being in a relationship.  As much as I would rather simply "just add water and stir", it ain't ever going to be instant love, instant sex, or instant anything.  Ever.

God, but I'm going on far too long.  Sorry.  I hope any of this helps.  What do others think?

Be well and peace everyone.

[BearHitch]

I think that there are a lot of things going on attributing to this problem, and that you should talk about it openly with your husband.  There have been a few tragedies not too long ago, he has gained weight, he has a lot of stress at his job and financially providing for you, and the pressure of starting a family.  I think all of these things are affecting his sex drive dramatically.  I think we women expect men to be sex machines sometimes because they seem that way on the movies and that, but I think sometimes their sex drives get turned down just like yours might be with all of that going on.  Anyway, I would not take these things personally and think its becuase he doesn't want or love you anymore, though I can totally understand how it would come off that way.  I would just approach him and say that you know all of these things are going on, and ask him why he hasn't had much interested- without making him feel pressured to perform, if that makes sense.  Good luck- and hang in there!  :)

[sexlessmarriage]

Thank you for your comments. I am hanging in there and I know its stressful but sometimes when you have that desire to be close and it doesn't happen I am just very disappointed.

[sexlessmarriage]

Thanks for your comments. We have alot of other quality times like watching tv at home together, he cooks for me and makes me special meals, and we also go out to see lots of broadways shows together. I am in love with him we are just missing the intimacy factor.

[dlr2007]

Wow, our stories are so similar it's scary. My hubby and I have been together for about 3 1/3 years, married for 1 year. We had awesome sex every day or more for the 1st 8 months of our relationship, then... his mom was dx'ed with cancer, his son got into major legal trouble, I got this bizarre rash that we thought was herpes so we had to really go over our sexual past with other (turns out everything was fine, but still it was a not very romantic experience), and sex began tapering off to less and less, foreplay diminished.... until we ended up only having sex once every month or so. I love him very much and know he loves me, but I do worry that he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
  So! You're not alone, for one thing. My advice is to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, about everything that has gone on lately and at the end of the talk, your sex life. He could be very depressed which kills the sex drive. He could also have low testosterone (my hubby has that), which causes lack of sex drive, irritablity, loss of energy, etc. He could feel guilt that he is alive and well when his loved ones have dies. It could be anything. But it's important that you work on it or at least try to figure it out, cuz the longer you go without sex, the stranger it feels when you do try to get intimate- almost like you're strangers.
  Best of luck to you and your hubby. It sounds like there's a lot of love and good things in your marriage- I bet you'll be just fine.
-Dee

[cutie8]

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I know I have a great husband who does love me very much but as a female I feel we need to "feel" loved and I am also a romantic so that just kills my heart that we are going through this. We are working at it. He knows our situation. I sometimes sound like a broken record, so I try hard to mention it once in awhile. Now it's not a natural romantic make love session, I have to ask if he feels up for it. He works hard and he likes to unwind watching tv so sometimes that can be till late and then he is ready for bed. We are also working on a diet and getting back into working out at the gym. We are working on it and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just hold onto the great moments we had in the beginning which I long for.
I wish you luck as well and thanks again for sharing and knowing I am not alone.

[woozy]

I'm inclined to think it's depression and maybe low testosterone. My husband just confirmed his testosterone is low so we are going to a urologist to get some help. Low testosterone can cause depression too..so I think your best bet is to adopt an understanding attitude right now and talk through this with him and help him get some help. I would suggest antidepressants but they can cause weight gain and they almost always effect the sex drive, so that make matters worse. I know if you take Buspirone with an SSRI that can counter the sexual side effects. Just do some internet research and see what you can learn. Also, maybe consider masturbation as an outlet..?? Maybe? my husband I are going through a hard time sexually also and I am using it as a means to prevent myself from going crazy, and it is working. It's important to address him with understanding though and not blame or anger, or even rejection because it will only make him feel worse and send his sex drive into a bigger tailspin. Also maintaining imtimacy without sex would help too..instead of expecting sex at night, set aside a cuddling and kissing time for every day and just enjoy that..it will make him feel good to know that he isn't just a sex machine to you! :) My husband and I aren't having much sex right now but  i can tell we are moving in the right direction towards it..addressing his physical problems and creating a loving intimate relationship desptie the lack of sex. i hope some of these suggestions help. He needs the friend side of his wife right now, someone he can trust to love  him despite his difficulties.. once he feels that way, things will likely get better..

[becks715]

When women feel the lack of desire, often it relates to insecurity.  As different as men and women are I think when it comes to sex there are a lot of similarities - teko hits it on the head - the poor man is worried about finances, raising a child, his self-image from his weight gain etc.  That's a lot of stress, it would only be natural to not want to have sex when you don't feel sexy.

I think that although you require it, he needs a bit of support right now, encouragement and love when it's given it will come back.  Why don't you two go for a walk in the evening, talk, enjoy those things as that breeds intimacy and if he feels he can truly express to you how he is doing, feeling, then the sex I bet will start to come back.  

Whether or not you have good communication could vary between your opinion and his.  In the meantime I would truly suggest masterbation (masturbation), or the attempt at it to at least calm your anxieties.  I know it's not the same but it may help to calm you a bit while he builds himself back up.  Most men have a huge complex about being the provider (naturally ingrained I believe from our ancestors).  Tell him you appreciate how hard he works, tell him that you two will get through the tough times, even if you think it goes without saying - you'd be surprised how far things like that can go.

[jml1986]

Wow, there are sure simularities in your stories. I am a married and went through the same thing for a long period of time in my marriage. My husband had alot of stresses going on in his life and a sex life was not a priority. I too felt unloved and wanted because of our lack of a sex life. Unfortunately I chose to give up rather to continue down the same road. I had reached a point where I no longer felt good about myself and was depressed all the time. I don't by any means want to suggest a seperation, but it did work for us. It gave us to start over and we got to go through the early stages of a relationship again. I would never wish to go through that again but I must say that it has made our marriage wonderful. If I could give any advice I would say is make him talk. Men clam up because they are used to being the tough guys, but force him to talk to you and you might see that as more and more comes out his desires might start returning. Good luck to both of you.

[darkxflame]

tigerborn62 made some excellent points. Likely you will just have to be patient. If you make him feel pressured then it will make it a lot worse. Enjoy being intimate in ways other than sex. You should really try masturbation too - there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe get yourself some toys (babeland.com has great products and they deliver in discreet packaging). It might even be a turn on for your husband and help you get things going again.