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Shall I leave my husband?
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Shall I leave my husband?

Hi!!! I need help please. I have been married for 10 years, I have a 5 year old son. My husband and I work together and I'm actually his boss. For the past 4 years we have been having a lot of problems due to work, he is very negative and we don't have the same goals, for the past few years I have tried very hard to stay because of my son but it has become really difficult. 5 months ago I started dating someone else (I know I should have not done it) however this person is very special and we get along really good, we love each other and I might be wrong but I think we can do really good together. Few days ago I spoke to my husband and I told him I needed some time apart because I can not continue leaving with him if I'm not happy, he agreed at the beginning however after few days he started begging me and crying not to leave him. I feel bad for him but I don't think i have feelings for him anymore. He keeps on begging me to give him a chance, he said he is going to change and he said I'm the love of his life. It's just a matter of time for him to find out that I'm with someone else and if he is so hurt right now I don't even want to think how he is going to feel if he ever finds out I've cheated on him. He is the father of my child and I don't want to see him suffer, even if I thought to give him a second chance I don't think is fear with him. Please help! I don't know what to do. shall I try again or for his own good shall I just move on? I know he is suffering now but it's nothing compared as how he could feel if he finds out I'm dating someone else. Thought?, ideas?
14 Comments Post a Comment
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480448_tn?1403547723
Oh my.  Well, you've kind of put yourself in a difficult situation.  You adding a new man to the picture has made it virtually impossoible for you to fairly determine how you DO truly feel about your husband.  You didn't give your marriage a chance to work by having an honest dialouge with your husband, and maybe seeking some outside help for your marriage.  The good news is, it isn't too late.

You really owe it to your son to figure this out, and if indeed the marriage is over, end it properly, with respect to your husband.  That would mean a BIG sacrifice on your part, however.  You would have to 100% end things with the new man, no contact, nothing.  You can't work on assessing your feelings for your husband with the other man in the picture, clouding your judgement.  I think after that many years of marriage, that isn't a lot to ask, is it?  Also, if at the end of you seeking help to evaluate your marriage, you find out it IS time to move on, you can do it the respectful way, with no regrets.  I also hate to say, but you seem to think things are going to "work" with this new man, yet your relationship was started on lies and deceit.  Those kinds of things usually end poorly.  Also, think about it...you have all of this confidence about your relationship with the new guy, after such a short time...and yet, you haven't even TRIED to fix things with your husband, who you've been with an awful lot longer.  That doesn't even make sense.  That's because this new relationship is in the honeymoon phase still.  That won't last forever. Reality will eventually hit with the new man, too.

I don't think you would be writing here if you didn't have enough doubts about how you feel about your husband, or if there wasn't some part of you that still wanted your marriage to work.  I'm sure there is a lot you BOTH would have to work on, but let's face it...marriage is about work, and it isn't always easy.  It's at THOSE times we should give our marriage MORE attention, not less.  

Like I said, though, if you REALLY want to try, give the marriage one more last ditch effort, you can't do that while you're involved with someone else, it's just not possible.  So, you have a lot of tough decisions to make.  You have to think of the other people in your life, not just YOU, and I don't intend that to be mean.  It also would be nice if you could at least give your husband the respect of doing this properly, without adding a new romance to the picture.  That's going to hurt him to the core, and it sure doesn't sound like that's something you are okay with.  So, make the sacrifice, end it with the other man to work on your marriage.  After some time passes, and you and your husband get some professional help, and you decide it really is over, you can walk away (and back to the other man, if you wish), with no regrets and your head held high.  You can tell your son that you did all you could...and really KNOW you did.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your situation works out for all involved.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Well said Nursegirl.....you said it better than I could; 100% agree.

Work on you marriage dear.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Ditto nursegirl !!
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Avatar_m_tn
NG + 3--Top advice.Welldone.
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1962649_tn?1332448451
"dating" someone else while you are married? whatever gave you the idea that this was a good thing to do? how do you have time for this if you work and are a mother? you should NOT be "dating" anyone else-! holy cow!

[ of course "dating" is just a euphemism for s-c-r-e-w-i-n-g-! we all know that so stop it right now and work on your marriage ] .
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi, agree with the above posts.  Ya know, it is never the right thing to do to begin dating someone before ending another relationship.  I'm not trying to be harsh here and I'm sure you know this.  If you have any hopes of a decent relationship after this marriage, you'll not put yourself in the position of overlapping relationships.  One should always take time after a relationship ends to reflect on their own contribution for the problems, how they can identify earlier on next time that a person isn't a good match, find themselves again as a whole person not in need of being with a man at all times, etc.  You've not even officially ended your relationship yet so you are very very far from the point of where you should be dating anyone.

And any guy you date now is taking on someone that is technically cheating on their husband.  This causes problems down the road because while they are okay with it now on this side of things, they'll always have it in the back of their mind that you'll do it to them if things aren't going great.  Hard to trust someone when the relationship starts out this way.

So, I recommend you follow the advice to not date.  Really spend some time soul searching with your husband ----  even if you suggested he work somewhere else if that would help, and see if you can salvage things.  Then if not, break up and take some time to do that self reflection.  good luck (and hug your child as this will be hard on him/her)
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1415482_tn?1337188613
I never ever tell people to leave, not only because I believe it is not my place, but because people tend to only ask for advice on the bad things but I never think it is ALL bad. However, I will make an exception in this case because it is the right thing to do. LEAVE, only have contact with this man when it concerns your child, that's it.

You stated that you have been together for 10 years but for 4 whole years it has been bad. I wonder if it is due to you being his boss. Men are different from women, we are able to sometimes accept our situation in the work environment, working for 'the man'. Perhaps it has been due to the fact that for many years, we have been seen as 'below men'. It took awhile for women to become bosses, it has always been men. Hence, it is difficult for some men to accept women as their 'superiors' especially their wives. His ego is bruised as he believes it should be him at the top of the food chain. He feels inferior because you earn more and at work, he must comply to what you want. When you work with your partner, it is difficult to separate home life from work life, there may be negative feelings from home to the workplace or vice versa. So imagine you giving him orders, that he may not appreciate at work, but must do them anyways. What would it be like at home?

Also, some women do not understand that when a man is not where he wants to be financially, all that you require emotionally, he will fail to provide it because his focus is elsewhere. Hence, your husband his negative, its his way of expressing resentment to the fact that 'you are in charge of him', he doesn't like it and it is not to say that he is angry at you, he is simply angry at himself for not being the boss.

Now there is a new problem, you have added another problem to the equation, making your journey to the solution much more difficult. After 10 years of marriage and 5 year old son, a new man is not the answer. You may be unhappy and this man makes you feel happy but please do not kid yourself, it is going to be short lived. In an relationship that has been droning on and on for years, cornbread will make you happy because it is new and not apart of your regular routine. However, when you are out of the routine and you need to find a new one, you are so caught up in getting used to the new way of life that cornbread becomes a nuisance and a very big inconvenience.

This happened to me with my child's father. We had been together way before I was even supposed to know what an intimate relationship was. At first I was a teenager so all was honky dorey. After a few years, as I started to grow into a young adult, I started to take notice of little things that displeased me. A few more years passed and I grew sick and tired. I was tired of fighting, tired of yelling, tired of crying so I met another guy (yes I cheated). He was wonderful and everything I dreamed of. I was so happy and I always looked great because I was dressing up for him, impressing him. I left my baby daddy for this man and the first couple of months were great, but then because I was no longer in an unhappy relationship, I didn't need him to 'pick me up'.

I suggest that you figure out what you are going to do with your husband, make the best decision you can make for you and your son after thoroughly reviewing all areas and deal with it. If you decide to leave, when the time is right you can find someone who you deem to be worthy.

xoxoxoxo Anna
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973741_tn?1342346373
It is okay to give advice to leave and at times appropriate.  In this case the poster has asked the question even.  I do wish the poster the best and hope that she finds her way.  Dating before ending a relationship (whether that relationship is good or bad) is a sure way to bring more trouble and drama into your life.

Sounds like a difficult situation and I wish you luck.  Let us know how things progress.  
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1962649_tn?1332448451
specialmom is right- "any guy you date now is taking on someone that is technically cheating on their husband.  This causes problems down the road because while they are okay with it now on this side of things, they'll always have it in the back of their mind that you'll do it to them if things aren't going great.  Hard to trust someone when the relationship starts out this way...."

and i will add this--any man who gets involved with a married woman is probably not a quality person. dr phil would say that and he would also say that the chances of success for any relationship begun in infidelity is about 2%. 98% or relationships that start with cheating FAIL.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think one of the reasons they fail so often is the trust issue as mentioned above but also that so often when we overlap relationships, we are just trying to put a band aid on something else rather than really being in the right frame of mind to find a good mate.  

It is better for all to do it in the right order and to take your time.  Life is long (some days seem longer than others. :>)) So, you can take your time to find the right person after you've ended things with the wrong person.

Luck to all
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1415482_tn?1337188613
Hmm, excellent point Shell. Its about morals and values here so basically someone with the right morals and values would say 'no' to getting involved with a committed person because they would be aware that it is wrong irrespective of the excuse. It is true as well that if things get sour, he will be thinking it is because you have someone else.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you very much to all of you for your advices. Actually I have never ever thought I would be in a situation like this, I have never seen cheating as an option and never thought I would have been one of those persons I used to looked bad at, I think it just happened and when I realized it was just too late, if I could back time I would have not done it or I would have done things differently. The person I have dating is my best friend and we are very close, we can talk about nearly everything. I have asked him what I should do and this is what he says: he said even thought what he thinks might not be necessarily what he would want he feels is the the right thing to do, he says I should give my husband another opportunity and see how it goes then i could make a decision, he told me we should not have any type of communication during that time until I find out what I really want, he said he loves me and does not want me to have any regrets and make a wrong decision.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think the man gives good advice and is acting as a friend to you at that point verses a potential boyfriend which is a plus for him in my book.  

I think he is right.  However, you've also done some damage to that originial marriage at this point by wandering.  Hard to bounce back from that.

but for your own sake, do not go with the friend/boyfriend to do anything social or otherwise until you are fully divorced.  Or you'll doom the relationship and he'll never trust you again.  Self control here is important.

It's sad when a marriage ends.  Hopefully you can repair this but I can tell you are already emotionally checked out.  Maybe I am wrong on that---  and I hope so as you have a child with your husband.  but a valient, authentic effort is in order.

If it doesn't work, be on  your own with no boyfriends/dating for a period of time.  Then you can begin dating others down the road.  This is the best way to handle a situation like this for it to have a chance at a good ending.  Peace
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Your friend is giving you sound advice.  

To me this isn't about statistics as there are situations that have beaten the odds; it's about right and wrong.  It would be wrong for you to continue on the path you have been on.  

Will agree with Specialmom about being without a bf or not dating if you do decide to divorce your husband.  This step is crucial.

Just give it another chance and then give it your all before you make divorce an option dear.    

All the best.  
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