Should I Keep My Other Love or Walk Away?

[nimble_jac]

I am 46, and have been happily married for 25 years with 3 nearly grown kids; have been and still am, wildly in love with my husband.  A year ago, I met a man that I became friends with, then became attracted to.  I grew to love him dearly, and I am "in love" (romantically) with him.
My new man and I have a very deep and healthy, loving & sexual relationship, whereby communication is our first priority.  I cannot see myself without him.  My husband loves me dearly, we make each other very happy and we have an entire life together that I do not wish to change.  He does not know, nor suspect anything.  My other man and I are extremely discreet and sensitive to both our families/spouses.  My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years).  He does not wish to leave his partner neither.  We have never been outside our marriages before, so this is no frivilous thing...nor is my question(s).
He and I are so alike, we have so much in common (that we do not have with our spouses) and have such simple, happy fun together.  
Can I honestly maintain this long term double life that we have committed ourselves to?  
Should I walk away from my wonderful OM because it's the "right thing to do", not because it's what makes us happy and complete?  

[piecesofme226]

Coming from one woman in your same situation. The only difference for me is, I'm no longer wildly nor deeply in love with my husband anymore, because of his past infidelities. I love him very much and in the midst of going through all of this hurt, I met a man which whom I have fallen in love with (he doesn't know it yet). Anyway, honestly you will have to make a hard choice eventually, just like I have to. And to be even more honest, these affairs can't and won't last forever. Like everyone here is saying. Either way, someone is gonna end up hurt, especially since you have fallen in love with someone else. My OM is single, which still doesn't make it right, but I don't have to worry about the guilt of breaking up someone elses family, but I do have to worry about breaking up my own. Like you said, it's not all about the sex....it's everything. So the only thing I can really say is I'll pray for your situation as I pray for my own. Let's just hope that God forgives us both.

[mami1323]

Is it a completely foreign concept to end one relationship before beginning another and for thinking of other's that are involved before you follow your heart?  The lies and betrayal that come from emotional affairs are never forgotten and can leave such damage to a person that they will never be the same.  The wife of this man that you are in love with is in the dark and is the one who will be broken hearted.  It's so selfish and so thoughtless.  You can control yourself.  We have free will to make good decisions.  You choose not to make the best decision.  The one you make is what feels good to you without thinking of the ones you will be hurting.  

[wpru49]

i read your post and a lot of the responses,i want you to know that you are not alone.i havent actually had a physical relationship but i am having an emotional affair with a man who has been a dear friend for years.my husband of 34 years and i were seperated for a while last year and this man helped me thru a rough time in my life.my husband and i are back together and i care for him because we have been together for so long.we have 4 kids and he has for the most part been a good husband.but i have come to realize that i was so young when we got married(15) that i never really loved him like you should love a man.i have fallen head over heels for this other man but he is married too,so things are complicated.you dont have to be a bad person for things to happen. and ps sometimes your children, especially if they are older,understand.walking away is probably best but sometimes our hearts just wont let us do that.gool luck.

[imanaddict]

If you are so in love with your husband and you make each other happy, why cheat and ruin a good thing?? Your husband will eventually find out, and since the "Other man" isn't willing to leave his family, you will find yourself lonely and broken hearted over a mess YOU created. I'm willing to bet that the other man's wife founds out and tells your husband. TWO families torn apart so you both can have your cake and eat it too. I know this post is from November, and hopefully it has stopped by now before you destroy innocent people because of your selfishness.

[eel81]

you are selfish and arogant. your behaviour is disbelieving. i feel sorry for your husband.
you DO NOT love your husband if you did you wouldnt have started this affair, no matter how strong the feelings. if you want this om in your life leave your husband and remember you are not only destroying your family but someone elses as well.

[MarianLibrarian]

I know it's been over a month since the last post, but I discovered this site when I did a search on this topic because I am in the exact situation. Involved with a married man, (he's married 18 years, I'm 16 years into a marriage), however, we have not consummated the relationship.  

Nonetheless, I am shocked to see what started as an innocent friendship has turned into this very emotional affair with the same feelings nimble_jac described. Now, it has developed to the point where I'd rather have no sex than sleep with my husband and feel like a fraud. BTW, my husband  knew my OM and that we regularly meet once a week as friends. Last night, I confessed everything to my husband that I was confused about my feelings with this "friend" and this is why my libido has vanished. He was very understanding and appreciated my honesty. He says he will be patient until I decide what I want.

So thank you nimble_jac for being so brave and posting your problem.  After reading everyone's response, I have now decided that after doing this for now seven months, he, the OM & I, must end it before his wife finds out and completely ruin both of our marriages.  I write this, but the reality is, I don't know if I can really do it.  He has become an addiction to me...like someone wrote, a fantasy or escape from reality.

But we have  to decide something.  We just can't go on this way.  Actually, it will be good leaving this secret life. If these feelings we have for each other are real, then they will still be there once both of us make the decision to leave our spouses, if that even happens.  

Thanks to everybody who responded and were understanding of nimble_jac's and my situation.  Good luck nimble_jac! I hope you get the life and man you want!

[MarianLibrarian]

I know it's been over a month since the last post, but I discovered this site when I did a search on this topic because I am in the exact situation. Involved with a married man, (he's married 18 years, I'm 16 years into a marriage), however, we have not consummated the relationship.  

Nonetheless, I am shocked to see what started as an innocent friendship has turned into this very emotional affair with the same feelings nimble_jac described. Now, it has developed to the point where I'd rather have no sex than sleep with my husband and feel like a fraud. BTW, my husband  knew my OM and that we regularly meet once a week as friends. Last night, I confessed everything to my husband that I was confused about my feelings with this "friend" and this is why my libido has vanished. He was very understanding and appreciated my honesty. He says he will be patient until I decide what I want.

So thank you nimble_jac for being so brave and posting your problem.  After reading everyone's response, I have now decided that after doing this for now seven months, he, the OM & I, must end it before his wife finds out and completely ruin both of our marriages.  I write this, but the reality is, I don't know if I can really do it.  He has become an addiction to me...like someone wrote, a fantasy or escape from reality.

But we have  to decide something.  We just can't go on this way.  Actually, it will be good leaving this secret life. If these feelings we have for each other are real, then they will still be there once both of us make the decision to leave our spouses, if that even happens.  

Thanks to everybody who responded and were understanding of nimble_jac's and my situation.  Good luck nimble_jac! I hope you get the life and man you want!

[HelpinUtah]

I came from a broken marriage as a child at 10.  My mother's best friend had an affair with my father.  It devastated me!!!  The problem for me here is that the adults are going about their merry way having these relationships without considering what will happen to the children when the house of cards comes falling down!  You have no idea unless you have been a child in that position!  Please, no matter how it makes you feel - the children MUST come first!  I am NOT going to judge you having what you need from both men - but it's his kids and your kids that will suffer the most.  It's selfish!  I'm sorry to say that, but if you had no kids, I'd say to each there own, but you chose to bring children into this world and you have a responsibility to them!

Whatever happens, I wish your children and his children the best and will keep them in my prayers!

[mami1323]

Maybe I was being harsh and maybe I was taking my situation and putting it on her but in the earlier posts she wasn't saying, I want to end my affair.  She was justifying her behavior.  That's why I was being so hard on her.  I just hope she realizes that her decisions don't just impact her only, it impacts her husband, this man's wife, the kids that are involved.  This seems like a mid life crisis to me and really needs to end before others get hurt.  

[cure65roses]

Been there. done that.  Did not read above posts.  But i hope you find it in your heart sooner rather than later, and realize that a secret life is not a happy healthy way to live.  Make a decision that is best for you,,,  and stick to it no matter what...  i know it's hard.   Just trust your gutm make your decision and pray.  God will take care of the rest if you lean on Him.  Msg me if you want to talk.   Hang in there, you will get through this.

[butterflyfuller]

You will have enough trouble forgiving yourself enen if you end your affair. If you choose the other man, he may not choose you. Picture every holiday for your sons and grandchildren the rest of your life knowing you are the reason their Mom and Dad can not be together as a family. Romantic love always fades into friendship or something less appealing. That excited frantic  ,, I can not live without you,,, fades with time . Your body gets tired of being excited all the time and finds a more comfortable state. It usually last at the most two and one half years. Dont think your temporary hormonal release is worth more in your lifetime than your family.  Keep your family together at all cost. Generations will be affected in you do not. You will learn to resent your lover  and may blame him if your family falls apart. Dont think it will be congenial or easy. Divorce is horrible. Unless your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive. build on what you have. Make it wonderful. You will have a very hard time...trying to do this while being involved with someone else.  You have had your fun.. go home  and thank everyone here that tried to help you. Going through a divorce, can lead to major financial, medical, emtional problems that you never knew existed. It is harder on your physical well being that any other crisis. Just because you children are grown, does not mean they will not be effected. Every life passage..for the rest of their lives will be different. All that being said,,if you want the other person, explain it to your spouse and bring it out in the open and deal with it. Do whatever it takes to build your self esteem back up on your own. You do not need someone elses approval.. just your own.

[Jasmine205]

Do you think the person who told you that was having an affair then? or had one beforehand.
You know why they said that, because they figure if you cheat with a married too, they won't cause you trouble and tell on you. You keep each others secrets. Two wrongs binded together.

[SeriousSam]

I have never cheated on a partner but when I got married someone told me "always have an affair only with someone who is married, and has as much to lose as you do."

If you thnk about it you'll understand while an affair with married men is a bad idea.

[Jasmine205]

I say be honest and take what may come from it. It's not fair to play both sides and not want to lose one of these men, decide who means the most to you, and chose them.
And be upfront with the other and then move on.
Can a divided heart feel true love?
Can a heart riddled with guilt be ever happy?

[SeriousSam]

Know I donut nough hoo i m tocking 2.  Butte I feel asss clothes to as mi preest.

But yur thots arc valuables tomb me ent I wil in alter ways teasure them as if they *** from a lovr.

Bee blast mine frent!  No heart feelings?

[SeriousSam]

No one is perfect but give some posts are you saying let he who is without sin cast the first stone, or be the first stoned...  

LOL  I have suspicions given some of the posts but with yours I can never be sure.

[amy1439]

being the ow to a man who has been married for 28 years i can understand the neg responses we get i did'nt go into this knowing he was married by the time i found out i was pregnant there's no way i was having an abortion so now i have my son ho's three months old the physical relationship i had with this man is over he still says he loves me and wants to be with me i cant get past the fact he's married i still love this man i struggle every day what to do he does come see his son and helps me financially but what about his wife she did nothing to deserve this i want to call her every day i have never seen her or talk to her as fsr as i know she has no reason to think theres anything wrong with her marriage this could really do some damage i'm afraid to hear this out of the blue may be to much for her i really dont know what to do either other than what i did but should i deny my son the time with his father and the support he provides us  i wish i knew what to do

[sammy73]

Some of the people posting here (especially Cootos, but others as well) - I can understand why you may feel disgusted at this behaviour.  But really, your ranting posts about how horrid or evil or selfish this woman is ARE NOT HELPING ANYONE!!!  Not her, also not her husband, or the family of this other man.

nimble_jac was honest enough to open up to us and tell us what was going on, something she has shared with no-one else.  She came here for help.  It's clear from her first post that she knew in her heart of hearts what she really needed to do, to end this affair and concentrate on her family, and if we can help and support her with doing this it is for her benefit, and for the benefit of her family.

Ranting and insulting her (however much you feel it is deserved) doesn't help anyone.  If you can't help, please, just button your lip.

[catiemarshell00]

well. i think your right about that.

[SeriousSam]

She just needs to leave that poor man and any kids and just keep walking.  No way is that other guy going to REALLY leave his wife.

[catiemarshell00]

i think you should follow your heart..  and make a desetion..and be happy with it.... good  luck

[nimble_jac]

George73, I appreciate your attempt to be understanding.  To get through something like this, will be unbelieveably hard...and I am prepared.  I am human and I will need support.  

The intense comments from the forum are mostly true and I hear them.  
I also I hear the hatred and I hear the condemnation.  This is exactly the best way to put someone(me) on the defensive, encourage them (me) to get angry back.  Wow, not the best way to show the "way".  That just drives people apart...I want assistance.

ok...we all have a voice and we have the right to use it.
Have a good weekend group.

ps.  fung...the "i am attractive" is in response to someone earlier mentioning that being with this guy is making me feel attractive...well, i meant to say that he hasn't made me feel suddenly attractive...I happened to be blessed with enough attractiveness through my lifetime that i didn't get all crazy because of that...

[fung]

I read your earlier post saying  " I am attractive.... have had attention paid to me.. proposals made...". It's clear that you are in age of  second puberty when meeting your OM, trying to proof that you are still attractive to other man but poor you , you got trapped in it and didnt pass successfully.
Right now, you were repeating your 'teen behaviour " -.falling in love ,ready to fight for it- ... but this time in the wrong situation, and with the wrong man .It is obvious that you dont care about you children's future life -having a happy grandparents for their children and as a happy big family in any celebrations. You trade your family's future with this man and you will live your old age alone without your family because they  hate you for what you did.
Wake up and be grown up as you should.

[george73]

I hope your day is going o.k. It will be hard and I hope your husband will be understanding and help you through this. You need to share with him what has been missing in your life so he can help with that also. I'm here for you.