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Should I ask my boyfriend for help?
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Should I ask my boyfriend for help?

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. I am a single mother of two kids. My boyfriend is a very generous person, but I have come to realize I am missing a practical side to our relationship. Prior to meeting me he rented a room from his friend. He also had two storage containers in the city. I am guessing that it cost him at a minimum $900.00 a month. I offered for him to buy a c-can and he did and put it on my property. Since me both expenses for him been removed.  He also works shifts like 10 on and 4 off, or the latest one is 14 on and 7 off. I am a full time student and I make jewellery for extra money or trying to that is. My boyfriend in the past has asked me if I needed money, and although many times I did, I would always say no. Whenever he is in town and if we go anywhere he pays for it… I have always taken that as his contribution. Since he works in camps he doesn’t have to worry about the practical side of things such as rent, water, food etc. A few months ago I asked to borrow some money and I said I would give it back to him in two months’ time… which I did! He said I could go buy some programs for the kids and I, but I said when school finishes a few months from now, there may be some rough waters a head and I may have to ask for his help again, so no please take it. He nodded in an understanding way. Since he is away so much and his truck is just sitting there, he lets me use it, and every time before going back to work he fills the gas tank. We travel quite a bit, and although he pays for it… who is covering the expensive back home but me. I can no longer shoulder this lifestyle. I would like to remain flexible for him and my young kids. I also would like to have a car of my own, because when he is in town, it is very much his truck. So for the past two years his schedule has been my schedule.  I could go out and get more work, but that could be hard with his truck and if that was the case there would be little time to do anything, therefore what and how he would be contributing would be very little. I am sure he likes it that I can be as flexible as I have been.  I feel like asking him to help pitch in with some of the home expenses. Why does this feel so wrong, or why do I find it so hard to ask for help? All his stuff is with me, so I guess you could say he lives with us… should I be asking him for a monthly pitching in? If I should, and he says yes he would help, I can see the next question being how much should he give? Some advice as to my approach and if this is wrong of me would be helpful :)
Tags: boyfriend, MONEY, living together, expenses, sharing, help, lifestyle, should i, Ask, Work, Kids, relationship
11 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
This was very hard to follow and understand BUT, Yes if He is living there, He should contribute to the expenses.  But, HOW MUCH??, I would suggest that  You and He ought to decide what's "right" or what's fair.  Other than that, I'm not at all sure I understand Your dilemma as You stated it here.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Your statement..."My boyfriend is a very generous person, but I have come to realize I am missing a practical side to our relationship."  Not exactly sure what you are trying to say with this statement.  

"Whenever he is in town and if we go anywhere he pays for it"…. Ok, he is spending his money.

"Since he is away so much and his truck is just sitting there, he lets me use it, and every time before going back to work he fills the gas tank"....Ok, he is spending his money again.

"We travel quite a bit, and although he pays for it"…. Ok, he is spending his money again.  

I am not sure why you think this man isn't contributing to your household already.  Is it that you want him to contribute more money or actually pay a water or electric bill?  Do you want him to pay money for keeping his c-can on your property?  Is he living with you or at a camp site?  

If you can no longer "shoulder" this lifestyle why not discuss this with your bf? I am not sure what exactly you are "shouldering."

You need to sit down with him and get this all straightened out.  

I am confused about what you really want from him; your post is a bit confusing.  

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1268057_tn?1399131913
Agree with Tink....not exactly sure what your issue is here.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I am sorry for any confusion… I will attempt to clear that up….
Yes he does help and he is hard working. For me it has been a point of pride in not saying yes to his offers of money. He offered a lot of times in the beginning, but how many times will a person offer, when all they here is no. I was far and still way more interested in knowing him as a person. The four of us do a lot of wonderful things together, and he is by far one of the sweetest people I have ever met.
He is aware that I struggle to make ends meet and if I asked to borrow money, there is no question he would say yes, I have proven I will give it back.
But here is the problem. I am a single mom and most couples together or single can have a hard time in making ends meet. My home burnt to the ground two years ago, and he was very much there for us. But I pay a lot to cover rent and the land payment, any money I do have coming in goes out to bills. And they are exceeding what I can even bring in. Although these trips are wonderful, I can’t abandon the ship, so to speak. It would not be the responsible thing to do. I have defined the nature of our relationship, how it is today. But I guess I am saying that needs to change. I don’t think it would be fair to say to him “eh do these trips and all kinds of wonderful things you do but also pay towards the bills. Most of his money can go towards the luxuries, in his life.  I fill stuck between working and school as it is, these field trips are great but I can’t afford them. Yes he pays for the trips, but the rent and bills still need to get covered and not ignored. Going by his schedule makes that hard to do. I guess I am feeling badly because he does do so much. In order for things to get better at home I need to bring more money in. So let’s say I do just that, on his days off I would no longer have the time for him, the kids and these field trips. Not only that but what if I am at work and he needs his truck. If things are not as flexible for everyone, and we don’t go places and do as many things, how does he contribute? How do I go about talking about this with him, I don’t want him to hear or think I am not grateful, but I need help on a more basic level. Is it fair to even propose a little help?
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13167_tn?1327197724
I'm with the others on being COMPLETELY confused here and your last post doesn't clarify much.

You're a grown woman,  and he's a grown man.  Where is this relationship going?  Do you see yourselves as a married,  committed couple,  or do you see yourself stuck in this "field trip" mode?  

Two years is enough time to make a committed decision.  
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480448_tn?1403547723
Why have you not tried to get your own vehicle?  From my understanding, that would open a lot of doors for jobs for you, correct?  More job opportunities, more money.

From your description, I cannot honestly see that it would be fair for you to ask him to contribute more than he is.  It sounds like he is seldom actually an occupant in your home.  In all honesty, it sounds like you're having a tough time making ends meet, and you're grasping at straws on how to fix that, hence the idea to ask him to "contribute".

I think you should sit down, set up a budget, look at your income versus expenditures.  The ONLY thing I think would be reasonable to maybe ask him to pay for would be his storage unit, but honestly, as much as he does for you...I wouldn't do it.  If you add everything up, I'd say he contributes equally, if not more than you do...considering the harsh reality that the financial burden of your children is YOURS not his.  What WOULD his % of the bills be anyway, especially with him gone so much?  Not a lot.

If you need money, then again, ask him for help.  Tell him what the situation is, maybe he'll help you get your own car, which will open more doors for you.  

Again, to be totally honest, it sounds like he already does more than his share.  I think you're lucky to have him.  Find a way to make your finances work...that shouldn't include him at this point.  He's already doing a lot for you.  If you get married, or cohabitate full time, then different story.

Best of luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
Sorry to be completely confusing... your reply sounds very annoyed though. He works away a lot, when he is back he is with us, He stuff is here but his mailing address is something different. When people ask where we live he will say I am in ____city and he is in _____another, both are 20 mins apart. We are a couple as I see it, and I believe he does as well. His actions say he cares although he has never said I love you. I guess you did answer the question in a way... I am not sure what we are, or where this is going. I don't think he is one for marriage, but then again we have never talked about it. He is hard to talk with sometimes; he's more of a doer. I wouldn't have a problem talking about the future, but I think he does. Maybe you did answer my question, I am unclear is to what we are, there for I am not sure what I can ask of him. He is a caring person, but not in a traditional sense. I guess you hit the nail on the head; I am asking to re-define that.  Thanks
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1268057_tn?1399131913
You posts sounds confusing because you are confused.  You need to sit down and start figuring this all out.....i.e. the relationship, your financial situation, etc.  

"I don’t think it would be fair to say to him “eh do these trips and all kinds of wonderful things you do but also pay towards the bills."  You're absolutely correct....that wouldn't be fair for him to pay YOUR bills.  You keep mentioning these trips that YOU don't pay for.  Why don't you just refuse the trips and ASK him for financial help INSTEAD?  Sounds like you want him to just help you financially just BASED on the fact you are a single parent with two children to raise and he knows you are struggling.  Sounds like you are looking for this man to take care of you and your children.  Sorry dear, I completely understand the life of a single parent is hard, but that's a life you painted for yourself......he didn't.  

The bottom line is that YOU need to bring in more money to support you and your children and that is up to you.  I totally agree with Nursegirl that your financial plan SHOULDN'T include him in any long term way.  Perhaps YOU need to talk to a debt counselor or someone who professionally deals with people in debt and they or he/she can offer you ways to REDUCE your debt and/or give you saving tips.  Usually, these services are FREE.  

Popping in for visits is NOT living with someone.....this is in regards to your bf, therefore, I don't think you are in ANY position to ask him to pay YOUR bills OR contribute more than he has been.  

"But I pay a lot to cover rent and the land payment, any money I do have coming in goes out to bills. And they are exceeding what I can even bring in".......that would be YOUR problem once again, not his.  

For starts.....find out about WHERE the relationship is going, refuse the trips and the extras you don't need, ask him for TEMPORARY financial help and seek Debt counseling.  

By the way, when are you going to be done with this degree you are seeking?  You stated you were a full-time student.  Perhaps you need to drop the school to PART-TIME and go to work FULL-TIME.  You keep mentioning something about no car and you use his truck and this doesn't ALLOW you the freedom to work more......well, isn't there any bus lines where you live?  Just seems like you are trying to find excuses NOT to work more.....REFER to your previous posts and reread them and you will see what I am talking about.  

JUST START TALKING WITH YOUR BF AND DON'T OVERTHINK THIS.  

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Avatar_m_tn
I think there is an easy solution here.  A couple of things need to happen.  Communication needs to start.  You need to have a talk about what you need financially from him to help meet the obligations around the house.  At this time, you can tell him that you are going to ramp up your efforts to make more money.  Also let him know that you don't want that (you working a bit more) to reflect on your relationship.

Let him know that you appreciate all he does do, and that the trips mean a lot to you and the kids, but that it isn't helping get the bills paid.

Communication is one of the most basic "needs" in a relationship but it often one of the harder aspects.... it seems one does not want to offend the other.  Remember, this will be a communication and not a confrontation.  Your asking him to work with you, to assist you.  You are not necessarily throwing out an ultimatum.

Sit him down and have a nice talk.  It's doable and you'll both probably feel better.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Nursegirl......I can't say it better than you have.  Absolutely right on the money.  
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1415482_tn?1337188613
I completely understand what you are saying dear. He helps out and is a very nice person who has no problems spending his money. However, he spends his money on stuff that you feel would be better spent otherwise. So you want to ask him to cut back on the trips and contribute to more beneficial things for all involved. But, you are at a crossroads trying to figure out whether or not it is a good idea and the right thing to do, asking him to take care of YOUR expenses and YOUR kids.

As single parents, we are so used to doing everything for ourselves and our children. Its just the way it is. So when 'help' comes along especially from a partner who is not the father of our kids, we tend to be very hesitant for a number of very good reasons. There are two specific reasons that shatter all temptations to accept the help.  1. We do not know how long this 'help' will last and 2. If we do accept it, and the relationship falls apart, can I ever be comfortable with the way things used to be? Can my children ever be comfortable with the way things used to be?

My mother calls it 'sheer pride', I call it 'very active thinking'. We cannot afford to get comfortable with another man's money. Simple. We do not know what the future holds and when there are children involved, we cannot live in dream land, its all about reality. On the other hand, do not think of it as depending on the money or the man. Do not allow yourself to do that. So, speak to him, he is spending it anyways, why not spend it on something worthwhile and he is benefiting as well. Let him know how you feel, you are both adults and as Brice says, communication is key.

What you need to do is stay independent and do what you do best, even with the help you know? So get your own vehicle and continue to take care of your kids, it will make you feel better to know that its a partnership rather than a dependency situation.

Take care hon!

xoxoxoxo Anna
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