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Should I be upset that my boyfriend watches webcams?
Hi, My bf lives out of state and I know he watches porn and webcams. I am not sure if he chats live with the girls on webcam, but if he did that would be too far. I don't think he does, I think he just likes to see webcams. I feel lonely a lot and want to ask him more about it, but I am afraid he'll get mad. He likes to have his private life and it is making it kind of hard for me. I want to know if any of you think webcams are worse than porn. I have come to accept the porn, but the webcams are causing my heart to race. I just want to accept it and be ok with it, but it is hard when I just think about it on my own. I would love some feed back on what you think is ok. I know it is not cheating, but it kinda feels like it is. I want to say to him, 'I want to strip for a camera, i'm hot and have a great body, and it's going to waste while you look at other girls strip. would you like it if i stripped for other men?' I don't know what to do, i feel shakey, jittery, i just don't want to mess up a good thing. we laugh, have great and fun conversations, he has had a tremendously positive impact on my life. I just want to accept him and love him for who he is, but i feel so lonely sometimes and just wish he wanted to see me naked more and other girls less. please tell me what he does is ok and why, or tell me why not, please just tell me something. thanks in advance for any feedback
thank you so much for caring, and to answer you question more directly, i have tried to tell him i'm interested in it, he knows i'm just pushing it tho, coz i am. he told me tonight, even tho he was upset at my accusation, which i didn't mean it to be, that if i want to be let in, just be comfortable, that's what's hard for me to do. that's why i think i need to find my self. i try too hard to make things happen and it's unnatural. I think i just have to wait and let time make me realize what turns me on and how to be naturally sexual. i am tight and tense a lot of the time, i love being funny, but i also have that dirty side. my fave thing is 'that's what she said' jokes. he know me and knows my tensity, i don't know if i can ever calm down, i hope when i find myself, things will become clear. look at me, 25 and still trying to find myself, i've had a late start in almost everything in my life. so if you have any advice maybe on how to find one's self, that would help, i know it's a solo journey tho. I just hope i can feel ok with stuff, i am so judgmental about the internet. i think so much is inappropriate, but i know deep down inside i really wanna see it and enjoy it. i just need to find me
And i can see that you really do care for others and give good help. thanks for being interested. The truth is that i don't know what i am interested in, I usually just fantasize b.c i am too ashamed to watch porn. I know that what i have watched i have actually enjoyed, but it's just hard to let go of the shame that i know comes from my parents. that's why i respect my bf's position, and am even a bit jealous, of his freedom. I just want to be ok with myself and i think i am hoping that he will set me free. For the past year i have wondered what turns me on, i never really thought about being turned on, it was always just sex in my eyes. he made me realize that sex is deep and it really means something, and can truly be special and feel good. thruout my whole past before him i never felt the sex i had, i would make noise and stuff, but it was fake. the only time i really remember feeling something was when is hurt coz it was to big, i remember it surprised me that sex felt like that. anyway, when i had sex with him it was different. in fact we didn't even have sex til a while after we knew each other. He was the first person to try and be my friend and actually build a relationship with me. I didn't know what a real relationship was til i met him, i thought it was just sex and fun and parties. I'm pretty sure it had to do with my strict parents and me being very sheltered, b/c i had no idea what the world was all about, He made me realize i was naive and headed down a road of poor choices. I know that if i hadn't met him i would most likely be living at my parent's house playing grand theft auto and smoking weed or else be at some party getting wasted and asking to get raped without knowing that's what i was really doing. he gave me knowledge and the ability to become my own person. sometimes i drift back and act youthful and dumb again, like snooping thru his stuff, but i think he knows i will grow into my own person eventually and we can both bring our lives together, both having something to offer. that's what he wants, is for me to be my own person with my own life, and his with his own, and for us share our lives together. what i was doing is prying into his life and pushing mine aside. that's why i realized in my 2nd or 3rd post that i need to leave him in peace and find myself. I know you all cared and didn't know our past, and i wanted to just say that, but it looks dumb when someone says "u don't know him or me" and i just didn't want to sound like that, maybe i shoulda explained all this first. i just hope he'll b ok in the morning. hw calls me every morning on the way to work, and b4 he goes to bed, god i feel so bad, I will just do my best to to accuse him again, i knew what i should've done. I know for sure to listen to that voice now, it was right on. and peaceful by the way. so it was not all for nothing, i hope
Thank you I appreciate your words. I think my sexual abuse hurt me in that I allow people to get away with more than they should. But I think its allowed me to care deeply about others and made me want to help others. Does your boyfriend know that you are interested in porn? Are you open with him? I think that if you communicated to him your desires he might not close himself off to you so much. When your in a relationship, especially one as long as yours, you should be an open book to him and vice versa. I am having a hard time figuring out what's what in your relationship. But keep sharing so we can really get the full scope of things.
and i guess that sounds silly saying he's good at letting things go when he's been so iffy about letting me in, but the fact is that he is slowly letting me in so he is slowly, but hopefully surely, letting go of my lame *** reaction
miami, I hope what happened to you was not too traumatic, ppl can suck so bad. You seem to be a very strong woman who gives excellent advice and i appreciate your help
penswriter, you have a valid point, and i can't even go on to list the things i have changed, but with me, i changed for the better. when i met him i was skipping school. college mind you, to smoke out and hang out with hippies. I was also sleeping with almost anyone i could. i didn't think sex was a big deal at all. I met him and he told me things i didnt want to hear, like how i need to get serious about school and if i didn't i would end up like my 35 yr old bro who still lives at home. he told me things that i never understood til he told me. i don't know why he was able to reach me, but he did. I know that's no reason to accept things that bother me, but it really doesn't bother me to the point i can't take it.
here's what happened, early in our relationship i was looking thru his computer at his work, i was on the lobby couch, he was behind the counter. i looked thru his web browser bar and saw he looked at porn. i get all uppity and said "you look at porn!" the rest is hazy, i remember he didn't look so happy, but here's the thing, that reaction has now scared him from ever being completely comfortable about it and i can tell. I've tried to convince him that i wasn't mad that he looked at porn, i was mad he didn't tell me. i pounded my fist into the ground til it was black and blue and barely movable trying to release the pain when he wouldn't listen to me. all i can gather now, as i tearfully type, is that the pain i felt is probly only half as bad as the shame i made him feel when i reacted like that. i can never take that reaction back now and now i am stuck with him being uncomfortable. if only i had been like "cool, let's watch it together' or something like that, things might all be diff, but i reacted like my 64 and 73 yr old parents would and put a huge strain on our relationship. i have been trying to recover it ever since, and i've made good progress, but 2nite may have set me back some with the taking what he does to a whole diff level. i just hope he understands, which i think he might. he's good at letting things go. i hope we will with this too
penswriter, you have a valid point, and i can't even go on to list the things i have changed, but with me, i changed for the better. when i met him i was skipping school. college mind you, to smoke out and hang out with hippies. I was also sleeping with almost anyone i could. i didn't think sex was a big deal at all. I met him and he told me things i didnt want to hear, like how i need to get serious about school and if i didn't i would end up like my 35 yr old bro who still lives at home. he told me things that i never understood til he told me. i don't know why he was able to reach me, but he did. I know that's no reason to accept things that bother me, but it really doesn't bother me to the point i can't take it.
here's what happened, early in our relationship i was looking thru his computer at his work, i was on the lobby couch, he was behind the counter. i looked thru his web browser bar and saw he looked at porn. i get all uppity and said "you look at porn!" the rest is hazy, i remember he didn't look so happy, but here's the thing, that reaction has now scared him from ever being completely comfortable about it and i can tell. I've tried to convince him that i wasn't mad that he looked at porn, i was mad he didn't tell me. i pounded my fist into the ground til it was black and blue and barely movable trying to release the pain when he wouldn't listen to me. all i can gather now, as i tearfully type, is that the pain i felt is probly only half as bad as the shame i made him feel when i reacted like that. i can never take that reaction back now and now i am stuck with him being uncomfortable. if only i had been like "cool, let's watch it together' or something like that, things might all be diff, but i reacted like my 64 and 73 yr old parents would and put a huge strain on our relationship. i have been trying to recover it ever since, and i've made good progress, but 2nite may have set me back some with the taking what he does to a whole diff level. i just hope he understands, which i think he might. he's good at letting things go. i hope we will with this too
do not feel bad for asking him!!! don't let him make you feel bad. if his trust is shattered b/c you're curious and worried then he's still a loser. you should not feel bad for being wary of him looking at porn and webcams. i'm not a fan of porn. not in the least. if a guy does it and his g/f or wife is alright with it all the more power to them. BUT if it bothers YOU and he ignores it or makes YOU feel bad...that is not good. he should at least respect the fact that it bothers you. whether it's not live webcams or not.
no biggie miami, i am very open. Sometimes i wonder, but i don't remember anything. i remember, i think in kindergarten, asking a girl who came to my house if she wanted to try sex, looking back on it, it's like how did i even know what sex was that young. from what i recall we rubbed our bodies together for a while till we heard someone coming or something, it's very vague. anything before that time is very hazy, that memory itself is very hazy. i don't remember much of my childhood, sometimes i wonder if i've blocked stuff out. i do know i don't remember anything tho. my earliest childhood memories are that kindergarten incident and another is one time in second grade i was up in my parents room fantasizing about 2 boys raping me. of course it wouldn't really be rape b/c they wanted me so bad and i would enjoy it, but what turned me on was how bad they wanted me. that's kind of always been a fantasy, and i've looked up that it's fairly common coz it's not rape, it's just the passion and the desire of them wanting you. the wierd thing tho, is that this was 2nd grade, up in my parents room, under a sheet, wierd i'm sure. i just figured they had no idea what i was thinking about. maybe stuff happened to me, but i don't think so. my sis accused my dad, and major stuff went down, way b4 i was born, but she ended up rescinding it and we all know he was innocent. my other sis said my bro did stuff to her when they would fish, and that sometimes she even went to save me, but i don't remember him ever doing stuff. maybe it's just coz i was in a sexual environment with all the older ppl around me. my oldest sister is 15 yrs older than me so when i was born and growing, my siblings was in their sexual learnig and puberty stages, maybe that has something to do with it
Please don't take offense to what I'm about to ask. I am not the type of woman who gets offended by porn. I actually have no problem with it. Now I'm going to get personal about myself. My mom's ex bf used to do sexual things infront of me when I was little and it really made me oversexualized at a young age. I was morbidly curious about sex but never did anything until I was 16 but I thought a lot about sex and maybe too much about it. So my question is were you ever sexually abused? You don't have to answer of course.
i was rereading thru this post and saw i had it right, i had said that inner voice told me to wait, i let my emotions and fears take over and alienated him further, damn it. it's ok all, it's not you're fault, this is a delicate matter i have been trying to figure out for years. it has set me back some, but i know him, i know in time ( or at least i dearly hope) that he will see he can trust me to tell me his personal things. if i keep accusing him and thinking the worst he will never trust me, why would he. no, i gotta take it slow, let things heal, and hope we will make it. I know why he hate ppl, and i don't want to be one of those ppl. judgmental, controlling, negative. I hope he'll realize how dear he is to me.
dang, that was way longer than i meant it to be, sorry. i hope it explains it all good enough tho, please don't think i was duped, i truly believe him, and trust me, i have trust issues so i wouldn't believe him if i didn't know him, i feel so bad, it's like accusing your best friend of something they didn't do, damn.
Ladies, I am 25, I am crying, I feel bad. here's what happened. He told me that it costs money to do that and he's not interested. he said he doesn't go to live ones coz they cost money so i asked what if it was free. he said something i can't remember. What i do remember is he said what i have in my mind is a made up website. He never understood the reason to cyber so i said "well what if you could see them and thell them to take of their top and do stuff to themselves. it's way more intimate than porn" he something like thousands of men are watching it and it's not intimate. but i know that there's fantasy involved. anyway, he's not even interested in that. what hurts is i knew that. I knew he didn't cyber, i knew it and i questioned him and he wasn't mad, but i could tell he was hurt. i shattered his trust again. luckily i told him all about how i feel, and even tho he was mad he let me know if i really want to be involved just be comfortable about it. I'm dirty myself ladies, sorry to say, but i think about sex almost every minute of the day. mention a girl and i think of her naked and so on. I don't know why i think this way, i just have for a long time. my parents were strict tho so i was always ashamed of myself. in him i saw someone free, someone who might free me and be ok with how dirty my mind is. sometimes i wish i just thought like you women, but i'm a tomboy, i had three brothers and always enjoyed the fun free spirit of men.Miami, when you asked earlier what i was trying to get out of this post, i guess i wasn't sure, i guess i was hoping men would come on here and tell me it's ok, guys don't think it's a big deal like women do. then when i saw that the only man posting said he was taking me for a ride, i guess i lost myself again. here's the things ladies and gentle man, i guess i'm a dirty girl who wants a man that will share his dirtiness with her and make her feel like she is not the only one. Look, please don't think this is fake. I am a very honest person who is not afraid to share my feelings, which is one reason i was mad he wouldn't share with me. I think i will reach him yet. he told me that if i want in his world (as i called it) to just be comfortable with it and not make a big deal about it. i know you ladies may think i'm brainwashed, or a bad woman, but i'm realizing i'm not a girly woman, i'm a guy's girl, i love guys and their brash humor. i really just want to be his best friend and partner in crime coz i see in him who i might be if i didn't feel ashamed of who i was. I am not crying anymore, i feel ok, i just hope things will be good in thor morning when we talk. I accused him of something and now i feel bad. and don't think he's taking me for a ride, i feel ppl's feelings very well, he was hurt, not mad, that's what made me feel bad, i accused an innocent person, that sux. but at least i found out more about him and how to approach his sexuality, i really appreciate the advice all. i hape i can bcome comfortable enought with my sexuality and him to actually become part of it someday, i have faith i can do it. and not to be crass,wait... i can't say it, i'm afraid you'll think this was all fake if i just say it, but like i said, i'm not afraid to share personal things about me. if you wanna know, ask, but i don't want you all thinking this was a fake post. what i want to say is if you knew how tense i had to be to please myself (I found a nicer way of putting it) you may understand where he's coming from when he says i'm uncomfortable. that's why i knew it was about me, not him and posted all that gushy stuff about finding myself, which is still very vital. this post is kind of embarrassing and very personal, but maybe it may help another woman, even tho i'm sure i'm one of a kind.
the worst thing that can happen is you lose a huge hunk of loser. there are so many men out there and if he's not willing to stop this than HE DOESN'T deserve you!! do NOT let him walk all over you.
YOU ARE WOMAN LET HIM HEAR YOU ROAR!! rawr.
YOU ARE WOMAN LET HIM HEAR YOU ROAR!! rawr.
I think you are going to be alright, so calm down, don't overeact and simply tell him the truth (and put it all on him to take care of)...let us know how you are coming along and, yes, we do care and we are here for you :) Hugs, Judy
Also stand your ground don't let him turn this back around on you. Remember how he manipulates and don't allow him to convince you that he is right and you are wrong. You are better than that!
yes, stay calm, don't make him feel bad or anything about his behaviour, just let him know how it's making me feel
I would tell him, "if you don't knock it off, I'm out the door, choose and choose wisely"...Good luck and remember, hold your own!
Calm down and talk to him calmly about how his behavior is hurting you. Judy and penswriter have it right.
I say, snoop all you want without apologizing to anyone....confront him. Tell him, this is bothering me, what are you going to do to fix it and mean it!
that's a good idea penswriter, i'll see how he reacts
miami: this is true, it is more personal than porn and a problem, and if he doesn't want to fix it for me then i know my worth to him and should let him go enjoy his fake females
miami: this is true, it is more personal than porn and a problem, and if he doesn't want to fix it for me then i know my worth to him and should let him go enjoy his fake females
You blame yourself for snooping but you had to have sensed something wasn't right to even have looked in the first place.
I think it's time for you to start putting yourself and your concerns first. I understand you love him, care about him, but if a behavior on his part is affecting you this much, you need to tell him how much this is bothering you and what is HE going to do about it. I sense insecurity in your part and it's time to hold your own. Tell him, this is bothering me and I want to know what are you going to do about it?....Good luck.
what am i supposed to do? I don't know how to get the truth out of him, i'm scared, i gotta talk to him tonight b/c my heart is pounding, i can't take this. but i can't talk to him like that, if i ambush him he'll def hide it, i just need to be calm and try to coax it out or something
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