Should I keep trying?

[canada_goose]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years.  We have one 7-yr old son.  Our marriage has never really been a great marriage, but it wasn't terrible.  No infidelity, no massive arguments.  Sex was something that started out as a non-issue, but over time became a huge issue which persists today.  Two years ago, I was fed up.  My husband was oblivious to my unhappiness and I wanted out.  He was devastated, so we decided to work on it.  We went to four counselors and even tried 5-month separation.  When he moved back in it wasn't really my decision, he just did.  We were/are petrified about how divorce will affect our son.

Anyway, our main argument is about sex.  He wants it, I don't.  He wants me to want it and I just can't help that I don't.  I work full-time, run our son around to his various engagements, and take care of household responsibilities.  By the time all that is done, it's time for bed - I'm tired!  My husband doesn't help out with housework as much as he thinks he does because I'm constantly picking up after him and doing this and that.  I'm a neat freak and if the house is untidy, I'm stressed.

Anyway, we haven't ended the relationship because we are a really great family.  It's the couple part that really *****.  I've become so afraid of the intimacy part because if things don't work out the way my husband wants, then I feel like he's displeased and mad.  He's told me numerous times that I just don't get it to it enough - but how can you when it's become such a stigma?

He's said that he's not going to live in a sex-less marriage, but I want our relationship back.  I feel that marriages should be built upon a relationship and not sex.  We've lost our relationship, but he wants sex.

I'm so frustrated because no matter what we discuss during our arguments, we "get over it" until the dam breaks again.  We do have sex a few times before the dam breaks - but it's obviously not as much as my husband wants.  I just don't know how to make him happy.  I can the most loving or meanest person in the world, but none of it matters - he wants sex.  He wants me to get it to it and initiate the act, but I'm just not interested.  I have a low libido, although it wasn't always that way.

Where should we go as a couple?  It's getting to the point that I don't even want to spend time with him alone.  Because I know it's going to lead into a trap where I HAVE to have sex and if I don't do it or do it right, then he'll be mad.  I know that my wifely duty is to have sex with him, but he's making it such a negative experience by telling me what's wrong and how not getting it affects him that I just don't have desire.

I've given him an ultimatuum before on work with me through it or give up - and he's chosen to stay, but two weeks later he's back in to his funk about not getting it when and how he wants.

It's not healthy for me to deal with this like it is anymore.  I need permanent resolution, whether it's divorce or really working through it.

What do yall think I should do?

[Judy246]

I agree with lovemykids, discussing this issue with your gyne who is the best medical professional to examine, evaluate, diagnose and treat any potential low hormonal issue.

Korrodead, I'm quite aware that stress effect both men and woman and I'm sure she understands my post.

[lovemykids465]

Have you been to the doctor. There are certain hormonal issues that can cause low libido. I agree that it is not your duty but I mean if my husband was not meeting my emotional needs it would really bother me or in my case my sexual needs, I have a very high drive for a woman so I guess I can see where he is coming from on this one.  It is a give and take situation.

[KoRRoDEAD]

stress release for men AND WOMEN (given that you feel satisfied at the end)

and proven to cure headaches in both men and women (given that your head isnt repeatedly hitting the headboard) so no longer can headaches be used as an excuse not to be intermate

[Judy246]

Also, sexual intimacy is a stress releaser for men, so the guy is suffering. I'm glad to hear that you do value him and your marriage and want to find a solution to this rut you both are in. Now....tell him :)

[canada_goose]

Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions.  I definitely want to try to stay married.  We are best friends and have been throughout our marriage.  We get each other and accept each other for who we are (for the most part).  I honestly feel that the only problem in our marriage is the "couple" in us has gone away, which leads to the intimacy issue.  And I believe we are both partially to blame for this, but it's hard to get out of it.

I think we're in an endless circle, where I think he expects sex and if he doesn't get it then he's mad (even if he isn't) and he thinks I'm not having sex with him and gets frustrated.

I don't believe that I have depressive tendancies, but I do believe my husband does.  He's having issues with his job right now and then the issues with our lack of intimacy just makes it worse.  I've encouraged him to talk to one of the marriage counselors, but he won't.  He doesn't want to seem like a freak for wanting sex.  I've tried to explain to him that he's not a freak, he's normal - but he can't continue to have lows that affect our ability to function as a married couple.

[Judy246]

13 yrs. is a long time to end a marriage over intimacy issues. There are many factors that can contribute to your low libido and lack of desire for intimacy.
You don't state your age, but if this issue is not addressed your marriage within time will result in either loveless dysfunctional relationship, infidelity, seperation or divorce. This issue is very treatable also and if you both are willing to put your part, it's workable.

* Menopause (Age 40 +, hormone change can effect desire for intimacy to the point where  
  you just don't want),  so this can be a medical issue.
* Viewing the act of intimacy as an obligation or as you stated a duty and this is an unhealty
   for the relationship. I
* Stress from running a household, parenting and being tired at the end of the day for  
  intimacy.
* You no longer are in love with him or no longer attracted physcially to him
* His sex drive is higher than yours.

My question to you is, "are you in love with your husband?", "Do you want to continue in this marriage and try to make it work?".  Have you found the right time to discuss issues within your marriage that need to be addressed. This includes how you both can find private time (just you and him) to go for a walk holding hands, go out to dinner, schedule time for intimacy or take a mini vacation just you and him and get reaquainted with each other intimately. For example, find time to just kiss, cuddle, hold each other with no pressure of intimacy, if it happens that's great, but my advice is to seek a Sex Therapist (through your doctor or recommendations), to help with this issue that is fixable. Also, I don't know your age, but it could be a hormone imbalance, which is also treatable, but something needs to be done or your marriage is becoming dysfunctional and something sooner or later has to give, so it's really up to both of you if you want to find a way to reconnect intimately and salvage your marriage. Good Luck.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, I do think it is fair for him to say to you that he does not want to live in a sex less marriage and would like his wife to desire him.  Do you think there is any other reason why your libido is so low besides just stress?  Do you possibly have a low level of depression or a hormonal issue that could be contributing?  Are there certain times during the month in which you are more interested in sex?  I think a medical reason for the low libido should be ruled out.  
Okay, personal question not to be answered here, but do you feel good about yourself?  Sometimes we can get out of shape and feel insecure about sex as well.  
Intimacy can often be a barometer to how the relationship is in general.  I think you are wise to know the difference that sex and relationship are separate issues and that working on one will help the other.  Can you focus on some couple activities such as dinner dates or a movie or doing something you enjoy together?  Start enjoying each other's company as a couple again outside of the bed room.  If you have lost the connection as a couple it can be hard to find that spark in the bedroom.  

I think when one person in the couple tries to make a change and begins to do so that the other person will start to make positive changes as well.  I am sure you would prefer to feel sexual towards your husband and perhaps by trying to improve other areas of your relationship, you may be able feel that way again.  Good luck.

[KoRRoDEAD]

first off you are right, relationships arent built on sex. But your wrong about it being your "wifely duty to have sex with him".

In my opinion he should respect your wishes when your not in the mood and i definatly see you are in the right here.

Do you think that if he didn't pester you about it so much you may be in the mood more often?

Hard question to answer i know but i like to ask thought provoking questions.

If you think this is the case then if you could think of someway to convince him not to go on about it so much then you may get a chance to be in the mood before he jumps in your face with his trousers down. (sorry for the strange imagery/metaphor i'm just that kind of guy)

To be honest i think it's a problem with him and not with you, your reasons for not wanting sex are fair and just.

I'm not sure how you could get him to help out more so you didn't have to tire yourself out so much other than just asking him to, and letting him know that if he helped keep ontop of the housework etc that you would be more inclined to have sex. (tho i realise you may have already told him this)

I also don't think divorce should be taken in this situation, that's very drastic if the rest of your family life is fine. And on that subject it's hard to say how it would affect your son because everyone deals with things differently.

As a final note, (i'm not trying to persuade you to give in to HIS needs but...) Sex should be something to be enjoyed. It releases chemicals into your body that help with stress and CURE HEADACHES. I don't want to pry into your private life so you don't have to answer this but when your intermate with him do you feel satisfied at the end? or do you just think "phew hopefully i won't have to do that for a while" If it turns out that your not getting satisfied and that is the reason your libido is low then talk to him and find ways of increasing the pleasure you recieve making you look forward to the next time.

Also please take whatever you find useful from this and discard anything you disagree with, i only offer new perspectives and opinions.