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Should I leave my husband?
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Should I leave my husband?

I have recently gotten married at the end of last year to a man whom I have been dating for 3 years. He is 5 years my senior and can be really sweet at times. 9 months into our relationship, we bought an apartment together with a government subsidy for couples. In order to keep the apartment, we have to get married, which we did. Before our marriage, I realized that he has an extremely bad temper. He would scream at me in front of his parents and smash things when he is upset. After each outburst, he would apologize humbly the next day. He earns less than I do and is often frustrated at his lack of finances. He also owes me thousands of dollars as he always needed advances for something. Despite all these, I went on to marry him as we were bound by the apartment. Before marriage, he was really hardworking and would cover extra shifts so he could pay me back. After marriage, he refuses to do that as he claimed to be too tired. He would only pay me in small installments when I asked him. His temper got worse and he destroyed more of my things. He'd scream at me in public, leaving me no place to hide my face. Once he even pulled a dangerous stunt on the highway! Again it's the same old story. He'd apologize the next day and expect things to go back to normal. He is also a man with no sex drive. We haven't done it more than two years!

Even though we are married, we are each staying at our own parents' as our apartment isn't ready. 3 months back, he had one of his outbursts again. I thought I was used to it, and that I would deal with it. But something snapped inside me that day. I drove to a secluded spot alone and cried. I felt like I had made a mistake and that my future is bleak. I'm only 28! After that night, I refused to answer his calls. I told him I needed time to think about stuff and that I would call him when I am ready. He left me alone for more than two weeks. He finally came to my house with an expensive gift and we had a talk. He actually told me that he had thought I would help him out financially when we got married! Since then, I tried to give him and our marriage a chance and went out with him. I tried going to dinner and the movies but i dreaded every second. I flinched at his touch and refused to let him hold my hand. I found excuses not to see him. I felt glad and safe whenever he is not around.

During this time, I fell in love with another man who is more than 20 years my senior. He had been with his wife for more than 10 years and married for 3. She stops him from making any friends and just want him to stay at home with her physically. She made him abstain from sex and gets mad at him when he masturbates. He hadn't had sex in 3 years! Like my husband, his wife throws things when she is mad and even scratched and kicked him! At first when he confessed his feelings for me, I did not reciprocate. I merely listened to his problems like a friend would. He had wanted to leave his job to get away from me. Then the incident with my husband happened and we found solace in each other. Technically, we are mirror reflections of each other. Soon we fell in love and started our affair. We even took a holiday together. We dreamed of a life together and even though he is much older than me, I didn't mind. I want to be with him, but I am trapped. I can't get a divorce without being married for 3 years and if I divorce my husband before 5 years, I would lose the house and the deposit. On his side, his wife threatens suicide and kept saying that she is all alone in this world with no one to care for her. Yet she continues to make life hell for him with her short fuse. Neither my husband nor his wife knows about the affair.

We steal whatever time we have together and those moments are the happiest in my life. I know I have to tell my husband that it's over, but I don't know how or where to do it. My lover and friends told me not to agitate him in the car, I'm afraid he'll hurt me when we are alone in a room, and I fear he would scream and yell at me in public. As for my lover, I'm worried that he would succumb to her emotional blackmail as he is a very kind man. I feel so trapped.
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134578_tn?1404951303
You yourself can't get a divorce why?  Is it worth staying in a marriage with a crazy person?  He's clearly never going to pay you back all the thousands he owes you, so why throw more time into the pot over a deposit?

In your shoes, since you are only 28 and can work, I would seriously consider walking away from both men and starting over.  It's not like you need guy B before you can leave guy A.   A Vegas divorce is not so expensive, and it is fast.  You can send your husband a postcard telling him that it is over and you are gone, so you don't have to face his reaction of yelling and screaming.

The other guy, wonderful as he is, is unfortunately going to be more compelling to you right now, as a patch in the emotional fabric of your life, because you're in a lousy marriage.  A lot of the time, the heavy emotionality of an affair is not because two people have found 'true love' so much as it is the relief of being with someone who is not making you miserable.  Without the nasty marriages to add fuel to the cooker, your relationship with each other might fizzle.  

I would leave your husband for sure, not waiting around, and probably by leaving town if you think he will be violent for a long time rather than just immediately angry.  Then, let time be the healer that it is.  Don't even date for a while!  Get your own head together -- why did you make such a bad decision about your husband and why did you not leave already?  

If the other guy is divorced in two years or more and still interested in you then, you could think it was meant to be.  But before you go, don't make him promise to be there, and don't accept such a promise from him.  

Tread carefully and try not to kid yourself.  If it's all still there in a couple of years, then it is like a new start, but do yourself a favor and don't go from one to the other.
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Avatar_f_tn
I can't get a divorce because in my country, I need to be married for at least 3 years before I can file for divorce. If I were to divorce him before 5 years is up, I need to give up my apartment and forfeit the deposit, which amounts to more than $100k in cash.

I plan to talk to him about separating for 5 years, sell the house and get a divorce. I just don't wanna be with him anymore during this time of separation. I really don't know how he would react if I tell him that. I really just want out.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I picked up on something that bothers me.  When you marry, why is he having to pay you back?  I hear a lot about his finances-----------  instead of OUR finances.  

And then you put the material thing of an apartment above your better judgement.

You made some choices here and now must live with the consequences.  I am sure that he had a temper before the wedding. I know it stinks.  You are worried about your 100 K and are willing to live as a married but seperated woman for 5 years over it.  I'd leave and choose to rebuild my finances rather than living such an inauthentic life.  But that choice is yours.

Do not try to meet other men or think you've fallen for the other guy either.  You are rebounding and those relationships are doomed to fail.  I'd not date for a year.  And if you remain married, it really isn't fair to present yourself as an available woman until the divorce is final------------- even if that isn't for another 5 years.

Keep in mind, I live in a different country without rules such as this. I'm also not a fan of divorce but as you have no children and nothing but money invested in this relationship--------  can't say that you should have to stay in it.  Just wish you'd have really thought about it before you married and not let that apartment and money get in the way of your choices.  Oh well.  It is a big chunk of wasted years that you will live as a married but seperated woman, but you have to do what you have to do.  Sorry it worked out this way for you.

good luck
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13167_tn?1327197724
I have to ask,  what country would do this to its citizens?

By my math,  the government encouraged you to buy an apartment over 2 years ago that is STILL not ready to live in,  and you can't escape the bondage of owning it for another 4 years.  If you leave during that time - although you've not had the place to live in,  ever,  you owe more debt than you could repay.  

Really,  are you sure?  I'm really interested in that country,  it just doesn't seem like you've gotten the best advice.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Good point rockrose---------------  they agreed on the place after dating 9 months and they had to marry to keep it 2 years later and then stay married and then on and on.  That is quite a government interference in one's life if that is the case.  What country is this?
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the practical advice. I do agree with you that I married this guy against my better judgement. In fact, all the warning signs were there and I ignored them simply because I was bonded by the apartment. I guess I was too idealistic about the whole marriage thing. It is normal in my country to graduate from university, date a couple of years, apply for a flat, get married, have children. I guess I didn't want to be different, so I jumped right into it. Serves me right, for I am now suffering for my stupidity.

On a note of clarification, I believe that as women, we should protect our own finances and not rely on our husbands. I do agree that as a married couple, we should have OUR finances, which we do. My husband and I have a joint account to which we both contributed and which he wiped out and maintained dry. Thus, when I loan him money from my own account, I had to make sure he pays me back. I didn't want him to treat me like a teller machine!

You have your point about not dating until the divorce is finalized, but if my husband and I can come to terms with it, it gives us both the liberty of dating other people during our separation, which makes up for the time lost due to the mistakes we have made, right? Moreover, I have always wanted children and my child-bearing years are limited since I am already 28. It is quite a price to pay for a mistake I am already paying for in other ways.

Indeed a divorce is not the best solution, but if it has to take place, I feel that damages to both parties should be kept to a minimum if possible. What do you think?
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134578_tn?1404951303
What country is this?  It is hard for me to believe that there is any country in the world that would not allow a divorce if there was abuse and hardship, even if three years were not to have elapsed yet.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Sounds to me like your man hopping. You were with the first one long enuff to know what he was about but ignored it and went with the fantasy in your head. Then you meet up with this other guy 20 years older than you, WHILE married and so now you gonna get outta one marriage and jump to another? STOP, go see a shrink and find out what it takes to make you happy and go from there. Something isnt right.
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't believe the new beau...the grass isn't always greener.  They say it is and they deceive to try and get you to go with them.  But when push comes to shove, you don't know this other man's real life at all.  He may be saying it to get sympathy from you and make you want to be with him.  He's still married, so you don't know the truth about their relationship.
   I separated from my husband to get divorced because of another man who I thought was it for me.  Turned out to be the biggest *** this side of Texas.  Everything looks better when the marriage at home is tough.  
   I am trying to reconcile with my husband, but I damaged him a great deal when everything went down.  Now I realize I don't have it so bad.  I probably messed up the best thing I had.  I hurt a lot of people in the process and that *****.  I'm not saying yours is the best and you should stay, I'm just saying don't believe the other guy.  Lots of guys lie for sex and they are very selfish and don't care what they put you through.
Been there, done that...
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134578_tn?1404951303
If you are in Costa Rica, where the divorce laws do require a three-year wait after getting married to file for divorce, please do talk to an attorney in the meantime.  The bright side is that courts in Costa Rica unfailingly believe the woman if she describes any kind of abuse or the kind of stuff you are describing.  You might be able to get a legal separation or a restraining order.  Talk to an attorney.
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