Should I stay with my girlfriend?

Question

So here's the deal, I'm with a girl that I love more than anything, we are both teenagers attending college. I've been with her for just over a month, but we had been pretty close before that for just under a year. I wanted to get advice on whether I should stay with this girl or forget it and move on with my life.

She has struggled with some kind of mental health issue(s) for what seems to be quite some time now. She cries all the time and has attempted to commit suicide on I think more than one occasion. I've told her to go to the doctors about it, but she won't listen to me and I don't know what to do any more.

We also barely ever see each other and if we do, it'll only be if other people are around. She will not see me alone and definitely not engage in any sexual activity. I feel like I am the only one that puts effort into our relationship and that she is not ready to even be in one. I don't know if this is because of her mental issues or just because that's how she is.

I don't know what to do anymore and I need to know if I am wasting my time with trying to help her sort out her problems and be with her. As I have said, I love her a lot and if I leave her I might tip her over the edge, causing her to commit. I have tried talking to her about these things, but it only leads to arguments.

I'm willing to try anything to get this relationship to work, I know that sounds really naive, but I am and I don't know if I should be giving it some time or not, I honestly have no idea what to do, any help would be greatly appreciated.

healthyminisophiesteps · Accepted Answer

I rarely talk about it, but at the age both of you are, I was essentially your girlfriend when it came to my mental health and everything else you've mentioned. I know this sounds mean, but the best thing for you and also for her is to break it off. You seem to be extremely caring, patient, and like you are a great boyfriend, you owe it to yourself to be with someone who can function and reciprocate what you give, especially while you're young. Your girlfriend is not in a place for a relationship right now, I say this out of personal experience and I had a boyfriend who was much like you but he was smart and ended it. I threatened to kill myself, I'd call him drunk and all sorts of states and beg him to take me back (like a drunk dial at 3:30am is going to get my ex back, hahahah), write drunk Myspace messages to him (yes, Myspace) and SI over him and then call him and tell him about it. I was a nutcase over it. I eventually calmed down and we somehow developed a friendship that for a while was very guarded because it took me years to get over him, but once he got married and I met his wife and became friends with her, I was over him. And then I got married a couple of years later and now we're friends and it's funny, weird but funny, my husband and I get along with him and his wife great, probably our closest friends. After all of my crazy business, him dealing with my eating disorder, borderline personality disorder that was poorly controlled at the time, bipolar Ⅰ disorder (ultra rapid cycling) and anxiety disorders, we're friends as adults. I suppose, my point is that she may freak out, threaten things, call you in the middle of the night begging, tweeting you messages, etc., but it will pass.

If she threatens to commit suicide or makes remarks about it, call 911, tell them your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend has mental health issues she's struggling with, you recently broke up, and she's threatened to kill herself and she is not safe. Give them her address (if you don't have it, get it) and name as well as your name, number, and address if they need to contact you about any information. If you live in different cities/towns, when you call 911, let the operator know that you are calling in regards to a suicide threat in [city/town] and they may or may not transfer you.

Depending on the state she's in when you do that, most states have 72-hour psychiatric hold laws if a person is a danger to others or themselves. That could be a way into getting her psychiatric help.

Do you know her parents at all? Do her parents know what kind of mental state she's in? If you know her parents even slightly, try and find a way to contact them and just let them know that you aren't trying to interfere with their family's business, and you hope that you're just letting them know out of concern for their daughter, and just tell them that she has not been stable as far as her mental health is concerned and you're worried that she may hurt herself further than she has. Be short, succinct, thank them for listening and tell them you hope you didn't step on anyone's toes, you just want to see her get help.

Personally, I was undergoing psychiatric care already, but poorly managed. And my ex had to call the police twice when I threatened suicide. He told me he wasn't going to let me do that over something I'd realize when we were older would've been ridiculous to end my life over. He was spot on. He stuck to his word though, I'd call babbling and crying, threatening suicide, he'd get his roommate's phone so I was still on the line and he'd call 911 and about 5 minutes later, I was off to the ER and then admitted into the psychiatric unit. Both times he did that, I'd call him as soon as I got phone privileges, which all I had to do was read the unit rules to get them, and quietly angry hiss tell him how much I hated him for doing what he did. (He'd come visit me pretty much every day even after that. I kinda think to be a troll, lol. I always appreciated that, though. My family stopped visiting me after so many psych stays so I sometimes have gotten lonely on psychiatric holds. I haven't been hospitalized since 2009, though.)

Sorry for the long story, I just thought it might help you see that things can and do turn out okay. Sure, she may not oddly end up being friends with your wife in the future and have girls night every weekend with her, or you may not go out for beer, wings, and football games (his wife and I both don't like how either act when football games are on, haha) with her husband in the future, but time heals wounds and if you're good to her after the breakup, she'll appreciate it, remember that, and always be thankful to you for it.

Don't make the mistake of staying thinking you can "make things work" (or whether you're aware or not, so you can "fix her" and I don't mean that to put you down) because you won't be able to. Relationships are a two-way street, if one side is jammed because of a wreck (or mental health issues not being treated), things aren't going to work out, and you're going to get a rubbernecker in the other lane who eventually causes a wreck and now the two-way road is a hot mess. If that analogy makes any sense. It does right now to me. And you can't "fix" a person, they're not like an object that can just be fixed and it's all better. It's a long, hard road, especially with mental illness. Having been where she's at, I wish I could hug her, tell her it's all okay, it'll all turn out okay, and it won't feel like what she's going through forever.

Finally, just props to you for being mature about the situation, caring about her, and not just saying "crazy #$^&*" and leaving her. Too many guys do that to women, and frankly, too often society does it too often to the mentally ill.

Good luck. If you have any questions, PM me. Seriously. This kind of hits close to home for me. :}

tfrost1988 · Answer

If you decide to break it off, break it off.  It doesn't sound like the healthiest intimate relationship but one thing you said struck a chord with me.

"I've told her to go to the doctors about it, but she won't listen to me and I don't know what to do any more."

My ex and I went through this over and over for 3 years and now, as an older and slightly wiser person, I realized that maybe what she wanted was just a listener instead of someone just offering solutions.  I was having some serious emotional turbulence at the same time of all of this drama, and at one point I decided to see a counselor.  I came in, cried and cried and talked about everything that was poisoning my mind and after that day, I never went back.  The outpouring alone made me feel so much better.  Now, that may not work for everyone nor do I recommend it but I realized that having an open ear is priceless sometimes.  Best of luck to both of you.

Scishyp · Answer

I read up on the bordeline thing and it actually helped quite a bit, I've managed to convince her to see the doctor and she's going on Friday, so I'll wait until the results until I do anything else. Thank you very much for the further help!

healthyminisophiesteps · Answer

You're welcome. :) Sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the best and/or right thing to do. Best of luck, if you need any advice from someone who's been there, or just need to vent emotions, send me a message.

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose her at all, but what you've described sounds a bit like borderline traits (borderline personality disorder) I have no clue if she has, and to assume she does based on a few aspects of her mental health is just ick. The only reason I bring it up is because regardless of her diagnosis/diagnoses, you may find reading about borderline personality disorder to be helpful. Just a thought. It could be utterly useless, too.

Scishyp · Answer

Thanks a lot for the advice, I was afraid that I'd be told to break up with her, but after reading this I can see that it is probably for the best, thanks again for the help.

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