Should I take my girlfriend back?

[Booka84]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 1/2 years.  We have lived together for a couple years, but last year we both moved back in with our own parents right after we graduated from college.  During our relationship we have had a child together and came to the difficult decision to put him up for adoption because we were both 19 and in college.  Our relationship survived that, and also a "long distance" period of time.  We have always been able to communicate about anything and have always been very much in love and attracted to each other.  

But over the past year the economy has put a strain on the relationship.  I still have not found a stable career since graduating but she is in a stable teaching career that she loves.  Up until recently we have talked about getting married and were both very much for it.  And it was understood that we would get married as soon as I got a real career...because she wanted stability and I wanted to be able to afford our new life.  But during this summer she had been losing patience with me in finding a job in my field.  This new tension caused us to cool off the relationship a bit, but we both agreed that we were still exclusive and we promised to let each other know if we wanted to pursue other people.  

During this summer she started to hang out with a single girl friend of hers who has not ever been of particularly good character.  And I don' like her.  They would hang out all of the time and go to clubs until all hours of the night doing God knows what.  It seemed like she was taking on the single lifestyle.  And she started acting differently towards me.  But she would keep telling me she loved me and we were still having sex once a week.  So I did not think anything was wrong until I randomly saw her with another guy in public.  I immediately confronted her about it and she broke down and told me she met the guy a week ago and that they have had sex twice.  I was completely devastated and blind sided.  And she had sex with me in between days she was having sex with this guy and I did not get any indication of it.  

I don't think she was ever going to tell me about this guy....I had to find out by seeing them together in public.  But now she has been begging me to take her back and constantly apologizing and crying to me.  And saying that wants to be together now and get married now.  But why now?  She did not want us to be full on together and married until I had my life in order.  And I still don't know why she screwed him!!!...because she was still having sex with me. And we have always enjoyed our sex life.  This is like a slap in the face. I don't know what to believe.

She has never done anything like this before.  And I have completely lost my trust in her and am completely saddened by all of this.  I planned on marrying her and I was deeply in love with her.  I am so lost right now and I don't know if I should or could ever take her back after this deception.  

Please help me out.

And sorry for the long *** story.

[heatherlynn22]

well, it does sound like she's remorseful BUT she has broken that all important trust with you.

i honestly don't see issues with going out to clubs with friends (hubby and i used to go out dancing all the time and when he wasn't home i still went drinking and dancing with friends as did he) it's just all in how you act and what you do. and apparently she was doing more than dancing with her girlfriend. you could try couples counseling to see if that would help the 2 of you out if you really do want the relationship to work or you could just tell her you need time and sort through everything that happened. think about what you want. how you feel. knowing that if she goes out with friends she could potentially cheat on you do you want to live in fear of it happening again? can you forgive her for what she's done? do you honestly think you can ever trust her again? (remember trust is key to a healthy relationship) is she still hanging out with this "friend"?

[Judy246]

I'm so sorry that you are going through a personal difficult time. It does sound as if she is very remorseful and sorry. There is something about infidelity that is evil. It's deciptive, dishonest, broken trust, selfish, untrustworthy, no moral values, opportunist and I can go on and on.

You can either forgive her, but you found out only by change, if not of course she wouldn't had told you about this other guy. So, trust has been broken and the foundation of a relationship is mutual respect and trust. You can forgive her and put this behind you, but not forget. which will change the dynamics of your relationship

It takes a very special person to be able to forgive. To forgive is "divine". It doesn't come easy, but if you love her and do want to work things out, you need to sit down with her and as much as it's going to be uncomfortable, talk about what lead to her decision to venture elsewhere. Friends and clubbing = meeting people (men in this case). She is also young and that is what I call the party age.  I did in my youth too.

You can choose to leave her and move forward with your life. This means you will go through a period of grief (like death) at the loss of your relationship and it will take some time to pick yourself up and start over again. It's your decision. Surround yourself with good friends and family. Seek a positive environment and you are going to be ok.

Hang in there, because this too shall pass.

[Judy246]

my apology, I meant "you found out only by chance".

[MrS_L0PeZ]

If the relationship is worth salvaging you should give it one more try. You both should go to individual and couples counseling. Whatever the reason she cheated, it needs to be adressed, so you both can learn what eachother wants out of the relationship so that it won't happen again. It does sound like shes remorseful and sorry. But you happened to find out by chance not because she told you. If you didn't run into her do you think she wouldn've ever told you? There was alot of trust broken when she cheated & she needs to work on building that trust back. Trust and communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Let her know that if she ever cheats again you will leave her. If you take her back you need to forgive and forget. Are you willing to do that? I know that its not easy but thats the only way to move forward with the relationship.  If you find that you can't be able to forgive her and ever trust her again then you should leave the relationship. It really is up to you if you decide to leave her or forgive her. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

[megochick101]

No one can really tell you if you should take her back or not. Me personally, I couldn't do it. The plain fact is, she didn't tell you that she cheated you basically found out by mistake so OF COURSE she is sorry. She is probably sorry that you found out, I doubt she's sorry she did it, because if she was sorry about cheating she would have told you that she did.

But 6 1/2years is a long time to throw the relationship away(although you have a very good reason too!) getting the relationship to work after this depends on a couple things. Her ability to be completely honest and loyal to you from now on, your ability to forgive and to eventually trust her again(if you ever can) and if both of you want the relationship to work out. Like others have said you should both go to counseling to help you deal with this unfaithfulness.

I wish you all the best.

[mami1323]

It is possible to move forward after something like this has happened but it takes a lot of work on both sides.  She has to win back your trust and show you that she's willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work and you have to begin to heal and learn to forgive her.  You will never forget but you can forgive.  It will take time and its a long tough road.  You both are very young and all relationships go through bumps in the road.  Perhaps she was going through a period where she was unsure of what she really wanted and when she got caught she realized this other guy wasn't worth losing what she had with you.  She does sound very remorseful.  Who are we to say that this would have continued or that her regret was due to the fact that she was caught.  We don't know what is in her head.  I do suggest serious couples and individual counseling.  I also recommend you taking some time to sort through your many emotions.  You are going to have many ups and downs.  One minute you will be fine, the next you will be sad, the next angry.  There will be times you will question your choice to make it work with her if that's what you chose to do but these are all natural emotions.  What she did was wrong and she needs to understand that and never ever do anything like this again.  If she's getting a second chance than she needs to make this count.  Good luck and remember to do what's best for you.