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Should I tell my husband he is not the father of my son?
My husband and I have been married for 10 years with two children.  I had an affiar and became pregnant, the child is just an infant.  My husband has no idea that the child is not his.  The biological father knows that he is the father.  I have no idea what to do.  Do I tell my husband and risk him divorcing me and having my name bashed into the ground in my family and community and have our family split up?  Do I just not tell anyone and have the birth father and I be the only ones that know this dark secret?  Will my son ever want to know the truth about his birth father? The birth father is going through a divorce right now and says that he does not want us to bring it out into the open at this time.  Please do not judge me, I realize this was the biggest mistake of my life.  I am looking for advice and similar stories. Thank you for your help and consideration.  I pray that somehow I can find an answer.
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1391531 tn?1289167743
I have do not know what you are going trough myself I can only give you advice on what I think I would do.I would sit down and tell you husband he needs to know his family needs to know and when you son is older he needs to know it is better for everyone in the long run better emotional and health wise,if you son every got sick and needed a family health history form the father what would you do.Think how hard is will be if it comes out later for your son,husband , and everyone involved,the earlier it comes out the better it will be for everyone.My brother in law got a girl pregnant in high school she had a boyfriend found out she was pregnant that then had sex with her boyfriend so she could say it was his( she did not think my brother in law would be a good father) that was the first time she had sex with her boyfriend, my brother in law and the whole family knew the baby was his when the baby turned 18 his mom told him and her husband they were not biological father and son.He stopped talking to his mother and will not see her wants nothing to do with our family the only person he talks to is the man who raised him the man he though was his father.So tell your husband if he loves you and can forgive you and loves and wants to keep his family together he will stay but give him that choose do not trick and let him believe something that not true let him figure out if he can stay.the baby's bio dad does not want it to come out because it is easier for him.And could you live you live with that big of a secret.It will  be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do but it the right thing if you love your husband and son .GOOD LUCK.
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134578 tn?1463413330
First of all, are you totally certain it is not your husband's child?  Have you done a DNA test?  Without that, I wouldn't tell anyone anything, until you get tested.  What if the child really is your husband's and you rush to disclosure on the infidelity?  

In general, if a woman were to say that she had an affair but is now willing to stay with her husband and stick it out loyally from now on, I would advise her not to tell, if the husband truly has no way to find out.  (This comes with the price tag that she has to really mean it about sticking it out lovingly for the rest of her life with her husband.  Otherwise, she may as well tell, because it will all come out in the wash sooner or later if she doesn't love him any more.)  But that is just when someone has been unfaithful.  Once a baby is born, the issue changes to fairness to all parties.

Staying silent means you will be asking your husband to love, care for, and pay for a child all through his life that in the ordinary course of events, he would not have to be responsible for.  The longer you are silent, the more cheated he will feel, that he didn't even have a chance to be indignant before you put him into the position of patsy and tried to hook him into loving the child.  

The child deserves to know, all his life, who his father is.  I am so sorry that he will know that his father is not someone you are married to, who can't be in his life.  This is going to affect him, but not as suddenly and harshly as if you were to spring this on him later in life, or worse, if he were to somehow find out without you telling him.

The wife of the other man has done nothing to you that would merit you conspiring to hide from her information that has a material role in her divorce.  Unless your lover has had many other affairs and she is already presenting those all in court, yours might matter, both legally and emotionally (as part of her understanding why he behaved the way he did).  You staying silent makes you something of a conspirator in hiding key facts.  I am sorry to say, but the man you had the affair with sounds a bit of a louse, asking you to hide it.  He was cheating on his wife.  A real man stands up and owns up to his behavior.  

Adding more lies (even if they are lies of omission) to the situation will make it worse the long run.  Maybe your husband *will* forgive you (and if so, you have a man worth his weight in rubies) but whether or not he does, your child deserves to know his identity.  

I would tell my husband, and tell the other man that if you are questioned by his wife's attorney you are not going to lie, and if your husband decides to forgive you, I'm afraid I'd also tell the kids (because if you only tell your son, you're asking him to keep it a secret from his siblings).  If all these parties know, you might as well give up on keeping the town from knowing, though it is possible that if you tell your kids in a relaxed way, they might not think it is interesting enough to blab around.  If the town learns, it will be a nine-day wonder, and then they will go back to their own lives.  (This will be true whether you divorce or not.)  After his anger subsides, my guess is that your husband will want to know if you want to be married to him or not (an affair is a little hint to a guy that his wife doesn't like him any more), so be ready to tell him if you do.

I am sorry, I did so want to suggest you could let sleeping dogs lie.  But the problem is, your son.  He is going to have to know sooner or later, and you have a better chance of his not being infuriated with you when he finds out, if it is something he has always known.
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13167 tn?1327197724
I agree that you need to privately get a DNA test with your lover.  

Secondly,  if you know for sure it's not your husband's baby,  without a DNA test just by timing of sex,  your husband must know too and he's decided not to do anything about it.  

I'm not a believer that children have a "right" to know who their biological parents are.  They have a right to be raised with love and stability in a two parent married stable home,  but as far as genetics,  I don't believe they have a right to know that if it will destroy the stability of their home.  Best to be in a stable home than know  whose sperm you came from,  IMHO.

I'm concerned that if you decided to just soldier on and not ruin the home you made for your first child,  this man might later come out and want to announce.    Once he's divorced and has nothing at all to lose,  he might want to claim his child.  Sadly,  especially if your child turns out to be exceptionally handsome or athletically gifted.  Because shallow people are like that.

You're kind of stuck here.
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Thanks so much for these comments...  Here is a little bit more info...  My husband and I are very much in love and have a very happy life together and I will never think of leaving him.  The birth father is a friend of ours and we conceived the son through a one time fling.  He is saddened by the fact that he sees pictures of the child and that he can't be a part of his life - but he has a family and life of his own.  We are not for sure if we should just take this secret to our graves or just be honest and open it up - which would screw up numerous people's lives.  Thanks for any additional help or comments and thanks for understanding me!
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Make a pact with your lover and take it to your grave.
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134578 tn?1463413330
(Again, how do you know that he is the birth father?  Did you have a DNA test?)
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I would have a DNA test performed and you can do this without anyone being suspicious.  So long as you know the health of the boys father, and have a way of knowing what is in his family, I would not tell anyone, and never the boy.  Your husband already loves this child, and he can grow up in a happy loving home with two parents or you can ruin a bunch of people's lives by telling the truth. So long as you are committed to this marriage, leave it alone, and take it to your grave.  I agree with Rockrose on this one.  You made a mistake, now make a happy, loving home for your child.  I believe in honesty, but I also don't believe in destroying lives when it's not needed.
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I am absolutely positive that he is the birth father.  No, no DNA test.  
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13167 tn?1327197724
babette,  if you're absolutely positive about who the birth father is - that there's no room at all for questioning,  it sounds possible your husband knows too.  
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1391531 tn?1289167743
Yes a child does not need to know  who their bio dad is like rock rose wrote,but if this comes out in the future by mistake or the bio dad deiced it is time to come out, that stable family built on a lie will crumble and crumble hard it will be bad for and on  everyone especially the innocent ones your 2 children and husband. Hopefully if you tell him now your husband will decided to say with you and continue to with a stable family his choose the longer you lie the worse it will be.You are not the only one how knows this secret the bio dad knows to ,so you might be able take it to you grave but do you know that 100% that he will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if not then what will happen to that happy stable loving home you made and built for your family and children,
And as for your son what if at age 13 or older you found that your mom lied and she tells you that your dad is not your bio dad how would you feel and how would your dad a man who thought was your child was not feel.Tell your husband work it out if he decides to stay then the two of you can decide together when how and if you will tell your son.
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i agree with above posts i would still get the dna,and if it turns out to be from the other person then your husband and everyone else do have a right to know,you will have to be honest with your child at some stage,so i would do it now.
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134578 tn?1463413330
I am for telling because I don't believe the secret will keep.  Someone else knows.  The guy does, and maybe someone he has told, or the person who works at the hotel, or the person who accidentally saw you together.

I do have trouble understanding how you are so absolutely positive, if you haven't had a DNA test.  You can't judge by how a baby looks.  If you simply had not had any sex with your husband for several months and this affair was in the middle of that time period, well, as RockRose says, your husband may already know.  If he does know and has made peace with it, your options are a little less complicated.  Chances are he will want to stay married, and so at least you're not in the position of having to risk your family over the situation.  If you had sex with both men within a short time window, then there is a chance of either man being the dad.  Get the DNA test, I hear they are available at Walgreen's, and you can test with you, the baby and the man you think is the father, without your husband ever knowing.  At least you will rule out (or in) the possibility that it is your husband's.  I would do that before you do anything else.
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I know this post is old but I was wondering how things turned out. I am in a similar situation; only I've let it eat at me for 6 years allowing a man who I know is not my daughter's father to raise her. (We haven't been in a relationship for a while now) I don't need a DNA test either and are 100% positive who her father is. Her bio father was married at the time but I wasn't. He has recently divorced and now he and I have been extensively talking about letting this cat out the bag. My conscious has been killing me but I wanted to hide this as much as he did while he was married... It just dawned on me (I'm a dummy here...) that whether then or now, the math is easy and people will still know I had an affair with a married man, then knowingly allowed another man (who I was not in a relationship with when I became pregnant) to raise her. The man who has been her father has been in love with me forever and still tries to convince me that we should be married and give "our daughter" a 2 parent home... smh Her bio dad, now divorced, says we are too old not to do the right thing and that we should be married... (sounds like some bs since if either of us was "doing the right thing", we wouldn't be in this position now.) I would love to hear your story ended well... I need encouragement and hope for a bright outcome out of this mess I've created...
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..... Also to thinkpositively1
Betraying your partner once is bad enough.
Betraying him every day is quite another altogether.
Tell the Truth & face up to your responsibilities.  
Consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
OK men cannot lie in the same way women can here.
But imagine your best friend or sister's child turned out to be fathered by your man. That would be about the closest equivalent.
And they lied to you every day of life about it.
The Truth is always best.
True Love cannot be based upon ongoing lies.
Good Luck
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9628609 tn?1404932957
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ScotsGuy1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO true. You will feel a guilty pit in the bottom of your stomach and a deep pain in your heart every time you see your husband with your little boy knowing that you are cheating 3 people out of the truth, The bio dad has a right and your little man does to. You already betrayed your husband DONT DO IT AGAIN. please tell  your husband.
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Sorry to resurrect a dead thread, but can we get an update? Did you end up telling your husband or did you decide to let it go and take it to your grave?
How are things now?  
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Would love to hear the outcome.  

Here's my story.  I found out ber recently that I am not my father's child.  The posts are so true that the cat will eventually come out of the bag in this day and age of commercial DNA testing.  I am still devistated.  My relationship with my mom will never be the same.  I always suspected I was different.  I was often asked my ethnicity br strangers and even close friends who know my parents.  I even used to joke about it, but never truly believed it.  Subconsciously, yes I knew.  Today I wish I didn't know the truth.  I wish I was told the truth from day one.  I am more heartbroken over this than anything else that has ever happened to me.  At first I wanted to end it all because the secret is killing me.  My life has now turned into a horrible lie.  I found my biological family.  My bio dad is deceased.  Some have been very kind, others have been incredibly nasty.  I'm the black sheep of the family in both sides.  I have feelings of alienation.  I can't share this secret with anyone as I know it will ruin so many lives, yet I want answers about my biological family.  I have children.  I can't even tell them because of their relationship to the man I call dad, the man that raised me.  The man that I adore for giving me a home.  The think that kills me is that he had no choice in the matter.  I had no choice!  I feel like I'm betraying the man that raised me with this horrid secret.  I shake uncontrollably when ever I am with my dad.  I  am so ashamed.  I

'm so hurt that my mom didn't tell him when I was born.  This whole situation makes me physical sick and yes, I have done therapy for the last year.  There is no happy outcome to being my mom secret holder or letting the truth come out.  I know longer feel like I belong.  The dad who raised me I tells my children of their heritage.  

I too am betraying my children with this secret.  It's a vicious cycle if deceit and betrayal.  If your child cannot trust their own mom, how are they to have healthy relationships?!?

Please own up to your mistakes.  My mom has been unhappy and a nervous wreck all her life.  She was always angry.  Behind every angry word or action is hurt.  She hurt because she was living a lie and it came out a pore of her body.  I can only imagine the pit at grandlake the bottom of her stomach.  Now, it's the pit at the bottom of mine.  It's my broken heart.  I have been passed this evil torch of deceit and u did nothing wrong.  No person should ever have to live this way!

It only gets worse with the "what ifs."  What ihappens when my parents are both deceased, will I then be able to let my guard down and release the truth?  Will my siblings disown me or fight me as the designated trustee (by the man who raised me) last will and testament?  Again, not my choice, but you can see the predicament I am in.  I hate my newfound life.  I hate not feeling like u belong.  I hate what my mother did and didn't do!  Please don't do this to your child.  I am scarred permanent.  I don't see the same person in the mirror.  I see the heritage I belong to which is polar opposite that what I lived my entire life!!!!  I even had plastic surgery to assimilate to my family when I was barely out of high school.  I even wore colored contacts to look more like who I thought my family was.  The affair has negatively impacted my life and overtime has just gotten worse.

Please do the right thing!  Please stop the vicious cycle of lies now before it spills onto that incident child that never asked to be born.  

Sincerely,

Betrayed By Mom
Aka Forever Heartbroken and living in a wave of decit
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In situations like this, no one can ever be certain of the outcome. Every person reacts different, I have encounter many stories about this, and the reaction is always different.

I will advice you to seek the Lord in this...we seem to forget that there is a purpose for our existence and we forget that the only giver of life is God and we as parents are just instruments to give life. Regardless of the circumstances under which you were conceived, know one thing...you exist because you are part of God's plan. You belong to God's family, and this life is not forever, in this life we are to live in a way to bring glory to God. Forgive your parents, forgive yourself and let go of all that resentment, stop seeking answers and start looking at the big picture and legacy of faith you live your children. You never asked to be born, but God has a plan for you and you were not created to suffer. Remember you are not a mistake...I pray and hope for your healing and forgiveness. I'm sure that if the man that raised you knew he would have made the choice to love you regardless...Jesus himself was not raised by a biological father, God is perfect and never makes a mistake, therefore you are not one and certainly no accident. Seek the purpose for which you were created and stop the self-pity. Be grateful and thankful for your life and live with purpose.

God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers, and your family.
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I'm 52 and recently did a DNA test, without my dad's knowledge, using a blood tinged piece of gauze from one of the many doctor's appointments I take him to. I saved the DNA because the man I thought was my father began telling me of multiple affairs that she had. I had always been treated differently than my siblings. I was scapegoated, picked on and ignored by all members of my family of origin. I am speaking from the perspective of an adult child who was denied my birth right -that of knowing who my biologicalfahter is. My 'uterine host' selfishly took that secret (and I'm quite sure many others) to her grave. She was a disappointment in life, and will remain one in death. I am now carrying the burden of the knowledge, not to mention the shock I am forced to cope with. I will never know who my father is/was. My children will never know who their grandparent is. It's an unconscionably egregious act for a mother to withhold the identity of her child's father. I believe she was miserable in her life because of her lies and her selfishness. Oh well...That's karma for ya 'mum'.    
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Mine is also bit same case, i was 26 years old and was in treatment to get conceive(Ovulation Induction) after the treatment Doctor suggested me what to be done next. As i was working women for a Corporate company i had to organize an event for Doctors. But during organizing the event at evening i was raped by a trick- i.e (someone(Anonymous, i could not even remember his face)  dragged me to washroom and abused,raped me badly) soon after i woke i was in washroom i ran and came and was in confused state whether to tell everyone and get caught for media and my life will be vanished if i report in to media. if not, i want to abort it, but still i completed the event and gone back to home at 10:00 pm, but my husband was sleeping. Thinking for a months and i got confirmation for pregnancy, was really in turmoil to take firm decision for life. After so much of attempt i was conceived and doctor told it cant be aborted as it is with hard again to get conceive. I could not even tell my raped story as it is treated as nuisance and not even accept the child which is emerging. i cant even live with my husband happily, as i am in fear of that horrible incident.i couldnot even tell my husband. After 9 months of continuous stressful time i gave birth to Girl baby, she completed 1 year. but i am in still confusion whether to tell my husband that he is not the biological father of my daughter. if i tell about rape also he may divorce me, it is also hard to keep the secret that he is not the father and truth will be revealed one fine day. i am in total confusion, i cant live with my husband - because this hidden secret is killing me day by day. please give me the solution. should i need to divorce my husband for the mistake which is not mine or should i hide this secret until it opens by itself.    
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She's your daughter and I'm sure she's beautiful! It's NOT your fault that you were raped, so your husband should be very understanding. Seek out help for rape victims, so you can learn how to cope <3
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I made a mistake, I slept with a someone else when let's say I was kind of separated from my boyfriend, but immediately after that adventure, I made up with my boyfriend and we hat 1 magical week and after a while I found out that I am pregnant. I was sure the the child is my boyfriend's and decided to keep. I gave birth, and now I found out that the blod tipe of my child is the one like the friend from my stupid adventure. My boyfriend(still not husband), even if during pregnancy told me that he doesn't  want the child and is better to have an abortion, now he is very sweet and thrilled and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I am disperate, I pray every day, I cry every day(probability the milk will be affected if I won't stop), I am desperate. Please help, I need and advice. I don t know what to do. To tell him now, to wait a little till I will be less stressed because of the hormones after delivery, to keep the secret all life. I don t want to hurt anywone, anymore. How can I tell my boyfriend now about this, if he is all day getting happy messages from all his friends, boss, everybody. How can I humiliate him now?Please help, I hate myself. I love him so much
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Well I also have the same problem...my boyfriend of 2 years was acting up after he got a new job...so I found a new friend who undarstood me very and we ended up having sex. after 2 days,we fixed things with my boyfriend and we had sex....now my baby is tow years and deep down I had already knew that my daughter is not my boyfriend's baby......I eventually told the "boi father" the truth and he doesnt believe me..infact he thngs that im joking.....the truth of the matter is.....THE IS NO HOLE FOR SECRETS...what happend has happend! we need to do the right thing and the right thing is to tell the truth...I know it sounds hard and it might distroy people....my sister please tell the truth as it will also set you free.

Lets do what is right. It will one day come to pass,people may talk but they will shut up...its painful but TIME HEALS ALL WONDS
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Here's my story.......

I found out I was pregnant in January of 2004.  I had slept with 2 men during the month I became pregnant.  One a man I wanted to be with and the other a one night stand after the man I wanted to be with called off our 6 month fling.  I immediately told my  mom and friends and they all knew my predicament.  I had also told the man I had been with for 6 months and he also knew that I had slept with someone else.  My mom is a labor and delivery nurse and said based on the date of my last period and when I had the one night stand, it didn't seem it could be his, but she had a friend do an ultrasound on me to estimate when I became pregnant.  From how far along I was, it seemed I was already about 2 weeks pregnant when i had the one night stand.  

Fast forward now 13 years later.  The man I assumed was the father never had a DNA test because my son looked just like him when he was born, red hair and all.  I always believed without a doubt he was my son's father.  However, over the last 2 years my son's facial features have started to change as he's turning into a teenager and no longer has that little boy look.  Also, his dad is over 6 feet tall and my son is short like me.  Also the man I had a one night stand with is short.  I came across his facebook page 2 nights ago and it was like I was looking at my son 20 years in the future.  My son is his mini me.  I immediately began to cry, what have I done??  Why did I not insist on having a DNA test when he was born.  And I never told him that I was pregnant or suspected there was a chance my son could be his.  I know without a doubt he is my son's biological father.  But how do I go about this?  My son has a bond with the man that has raised him since birth. I feel my son has a right to know but I don't know how disrupting to his life this would be.  And this man has a right to know he has an almost 13 year old son that looks just like him.  My son's father and I are not together and only get along for the sake of our child.  I know he's not going to handle the news that his only son is not actually his.  I also know I can't carry this secret to the grave, but I want to do what's best for my son.  
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This is as if I have wrote this myself apart from my ex has also taken on my other two children who are not his. I feel heart broken and I really don't know what to do for the best. Do I live with the guilt or ruin my 3 kids lives and their fathers and his entire family? I don't want to lie to my son either but is it for the best helpppp
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Don't tell him.. deny it even when he suspects.
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Some things are better left unsaid
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People are saying things are better left unsaid and all, I agree but you also have to think about the son, the biological father and all. Eventually when the sons older, and if you're still married to your husband, you will live with the guilt of knowing the man he calls father, isn't his father. What if 10 years later, the son is now 10. The father finds out, you don't know how but he does.
He would be more mad at you then he would be if you told him now. He would be mad for you keeping a secret from him. Parts of many wedding vows are to always tell the truth.. If he's the one, he'll understand the situation and make the best of it. Expect him to be mad at first, but give it time. And the biological father is bound to want his son at some point.
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Yeah. Tell him. You calling betraying your husband a mistake is hilarious. You weren&#39;t using protection, obviously. He has the right to know if he has STDS, not to mention his WIFE had another man&#39;s baby. Are you so screwed up and morally deficient as to not realize the only way out of this mess is to be honest, and take whatever consequences ensue? You didn&#39;t make a &quot;mistake&quot;. You made a choice. Accept responsibility for it.
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I agree with you except you can't blame the woman alone for not using protection.
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By the way. I'm a man who has never cheated on anyone. I've been cheated on. Finding out I was betrayed was not an automatic relationship ending event. And, I have a daughter and 4 grandchildren that I would take a bullet for, that are not my biological children. They were not the result of my wife cheating, but, it wouldn't matter how they came about. Your husband obviously loves you, give him the respect of telling the truth. If he loves you, he may keep you. But, understand, you are, effectively, murdering his child. He had a son, now, he won't. You've done wrong. Be an adult. Clean up your mess.
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19219449 tn?1474242771
Prolonging the unpleasant information from your husband doesn't solve the issue, it only makes him feel very bad if he happens to hear it from an outsider.remember that the walls have ears, he would definitely finds out one day.

I believe if he truly loves you he would forgive and move on with you..but try and discuss it with him.though at first he may not be happy, but as I said earlier on, if he loves you then he can move along with you.......

Wish you good luck as you do!
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I am in a very similar situation. The sonogram dated it to my boyfriend (now husband) not my one night stand. My daughter and husband have similar medical issue and she even has his bright blue eyes. Fast forward ten years and my daughter is now a spitting image of my one night stand, so I did a DNA test and she is not my husband's child. The medical issues are just a coincidence.
I told my husband and he doesn't want to tell our daughter and disrupt her life. Help! What do I do?
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19219449 tn?1474242771
move on with your life..telling her would only hut her
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