My husband is in the RAF - recently he went away to America. I dont cope with him going away very well and am coping with post natal depression kind of badly our daughter is one in july.
He has come home and seems different to me. I felt really uneasy so checked his facebook and a girl from the town he stayed in has added him as a friend on facebook he didnt accept the request and when i asked him he said it was someone he works with bit of stuff out there but couldnt remember his name.
Later he was showing me his pictures and a picture of this girl popped up, he said it had been sent through a social networking site and the photos automatically appear in his camera feed which is true. But i cant help feeling like something happened between them.
Now i keep accusing him of having a relationship with her while he was there, since being back he has put a code on his phone and has said he is changing the code everyday so i cant access it.
I dont know what to do anymore, i feel sick thinking about it, i cant sleep. I really feel so worried that we will split up because i cant trust him. I feel pathetic and so down about this.
Hi Sarah. Well, that is tough when they are gone for extended periods of time, isn't it? Sounds like you had anxiety surrounding it from the start. My question is this--- do you think your anxiety could be playing a role in thinking something has happened? I ask that because he got a facebook request and rejected it. That's it. That does not an affair make by any means.
His changing the code would not make me happy, however, I'm trying to picture what could make him do that. Yes, if he had something to hide but also if you were going way over the top obsessing over this and snooping like a maniac. That would be quite irritating after a while. Most people don't like being accused of cheating----- okay, all people. Once is bad enough but over and over and over will become a problem in and of itself between the two of you. This is something for you to pull back on.
I would do this. Stop yourself from continueing to 'seek' information. All you have is your gut which sometimes can be on to something and sometimes be way off base. Stop pestering him, accusing him, searching his things, talking about it and try to stop thinking about it. Actively change the subject in your own mind when it comes up. make a list of what you can think about instead or go do when the intrusive thoughts pop into your head. And try to switch gears when the fear, worry and anxiety starts up.
Then you just see what happens. If he was a cheat . . . it usually surfaces. And it would be awful to push him away and end up ruining the relationship over cheating if he hasn't cheated just based on a suspicion. So, also ---- try to plan some casual, fun dates with him. With no heavy conversations--- just reconnecting.
Are you treated for the post partum? I would consider that as anxiety sure an make life harder.
I agree with specialmom, but I also think the reason you can't trust him is you're right that he's keeping something from you. I don't think this girl who tried to friend him is probably the problem - but there is a reason he's not letting you see his phone.
I rarely recommend counseling for couples, but in this case, you need an intermediary here to help you both figure out what's going on. Either he is driven to distraction by your constant accusations and is worried that a simple business call or misdialed number will cause him weeks of grief, or he's hiding something he doesn't want you to know.
Having come from a 1st marriage where cheating was a BIG issue - Your Husband seems to me to be somewhat "comfortable" with Your "confrontation", Your questions. All that sounded reasonable to me, as an "outsider" "looking in". So far, So good, from my "point of view".
I too, am alarmed that He would put a "code" that You cannot assess on His phone. In this I share Your thought: If He has nothing to hide, well then, why isn't He being transparent with His Wife!!...as in... "I having NOTHING to hide"
I might understand if He feels "offended" at Your questions, distrust (if He is innocent) BUT on the otherhand,if there was an "OUTSIDE" situation that caused You to feel insecure, that is NOT YOUR FAULT and maybe not His either - BUT none the less, since this has occurred - it IS His job to reassure His Wife. IF He's truely innocent, then why would He not do this?? and why would He do something MORE to make His Wife continue to feel insecure??
You Are Not Alone As I Am Questioning His Behavior Also!!
Good Luck. I Hope You Find Your Way Through This Situation.
I can only say:
If my Husband for ONE MOMENT thought (mistakenly) that I had betrayed Him, my MISSION would be to show Him otherwise!! - I TRUELY think His mission for me would be the same!!
LOYALTY is EVERYTHING in ANY, in EVERY relationship
Good Luck - I SO hope this turns out well for You.
I have read these with mixed emotions, I really want to believe it is my crazy accusations. I feel like I don't trust enough and he doesn't show enough affection. That these feed off each other. We have a big history and this isn't the first time I have accused him of something. I suggested couples counselling but he thought it was stupid. He feels uncomfortable abt talking his emotions thru. I think this is where my insecurities have stemmed from thinking there must be a reason he is less affectionate so I go looking for something xx
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