Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Shiva, this won't ever end. She finally has EXACTLY what she has wanted all along - a good reason to disdain you. This is what she wants so don't even think that there will be a time where you will be forgiven. There won't.
There are marriages that are fairly good, with loving partners, and when one cheats it devastates the other, and they can't get over it try as they might.
This isn't happening here. It sounds like your wife is cold and cruel to your mother and sister, and doesn't care how that hurts you and now she's won the jackpot and she can make you grovel.
There's no good solution to this. It's a little puzzling that you chose to adopt a child with her when you clearly didn't love her, and now you're stuck.
15 more years, and you can leave.
Kudos for putting up with this for the sake of your daughter. She needs you.
I read your story and I am not going to the obvious which you already admitted and have paid for. Lets just move it up to now and what to do as a result of all this. First of all I know you love your daughter. But I cannot advocate you staying in this relationship, the child is young and you can go for shared parenting. If you live close enuff you can even share the week and split daycare fees. You need to come clean with your wife and fess up as to how you really feel. You are not doing you, her or your child any favors by living a lie. You need to re claim your privacy and quit being held emotional hostage because your wife cannot forgive and forget. More than likely she never will. If you loved her my advice to you would be different but life is a long journey and to live like this for another 15 years is just not realistic at all. You will either meet someone else and have another affair or you will be miserable in a loveless relationship. I am not for divorce and totally believe in making a marriage work for the children, but it would seem you have never had a marriage other than on paper. You deserve to be happy and so does your wife and you can be, just not together. I say jump in and face your demons and make it right for all of you. As I said, shared parenting is an option for you and it will provide you a great opportunity to develop a relationship with your child and you will be able to enjoy each other and possibly down the road meet a wonderful woman that would share in the love of the child. Just be careful of future relationships because there are a lot of vultures and possessive people out there.
Hard lesson to learn and my question to you, was it all worth it? Infidelity is unexceptable and inexcusabe under any circumstances and leting this other woman meet your sister and your mother? What were you thinking? You weren't, so with that said, I don't blame your wife for feeling and behaving the way she does, your lucky she did'n't leave you on the spot. This could be an opportunity for you to get out of the marriage if you don't want to be in it, but if you value your wife, discuss marriage counseling with her to get down to all the issues in your relationship, your needs not being met and any issues that your wife might have. Thirdly, if nothing else works file for a divorce. You were aware that infidelity comes with Karma and consequences and you are definately paying the price.
Thank you RockRose, teko and Judy246 for your comments. I'm greatful to you all for your valued comments.
Judy, I totally agree with you and it was NOT worth it at all. I only ended up loosing far too much. I don't blame my wife for this act of mine and I feel she is justified in her reaction....but...blaming my folks for it is not correct. Introducing her to my folks was to tone her down as she threatened to call my wife at that time. She was well capable of doing that as she had already done that through her friends. Secondly she threatened suicide and at the early stages of knowing her she had mentioned that she tried committing suicide after her marriage and thats why i was scared and was desparate to calm her down.
I was desparate to save the marriage and prevent my wife from coming to know about it. My mother objected severely but after i explained my position she agreed to help.
I still want to save our marriage but my wife is now driving me crazy. Just last night she woke me at middle of the night and started fighting because i slept off without her. She seems to pick up fight on every topic. She now makes fake facebook accounts and posts me friend requests to check my reaction.
I'm sorry to post these comments but this is the first time i'm being able to let my side of the story out. My wife has told most of her friends about it and they all discuss me almost daily...only i have not been able to communicate with anyone...maybe out of shame
I just wanted to say that I don't think your wife got what she wanted all along which is to hold you in contempt and to have great disdain for you. She is hurt and now she is trying to hurt you back. I would encourage her to continue with therapy on her own as she needs to sort through this in a more productive manner. She must come to terms with forgiving you or the relationship must end. I'd give her a time line with this. The reason why I say this is because yes, you did something terrible. You are trying to make amends and move forward. She is entitled to share her feelings and hurt with you but cannot reasonably expect the relationship to survive constant fire. She must be able to forgive you. Some women are motivated to do so and some will live with anger and bitterness forever. She will have to do some therapy to see which it is and I think you can convey to her that she needs to work on this or the relationship won't work. You can tell her that you understand where she is coming from and are willing to allow her time to heal from this and will listen to her feelings but that there must be an end in sight and that you must hear her willingness to have an end in sight.
I am concerned however with some of the things you stated about your marriage in general. That you find her physically unattractive and are unable to feel sexual towards her. That you have incompatibility problems as well. These are things to work through as well or it really will seem that you are together for just the sake of your daughter. I think that is admirable as too many kids are left completely out of the decisions of their parents. But I worry for your overall happiness as well.
Good luck to you and may all heal with this and things be better.
We would never blame your family or parent for this. Only you are to blame, but you are aware of this. I also feel that coming clean is a start, but you need to re-evaluate your emotion, relationship and marriage. Do you want to stay with her. What need is not being met in your relationship that is causing you to stray? Would you both consider marriage counseling and it's time to break all tides with this other woman who has done nothing, but black mail you also. It's time to accept responsibility, take action on your relationship to either fix it or leave it and you also need to talk about your feeling and the guilt you are feeling also.
While I agree infidelity is never the right choice & she is right for everything she feels & you deserve all the heat you have taken my focus is on the relationship you have with your mother. I dont believe we should ever let anyone get in the way of that.If she loved you she would see that your mother is so important in you life & would want her to be in it.You have to remember we have only one mom & when shes gone another will never come along so always remember that.
To a certain extent, I agree with the comments on the relationship between his wife and mother. But in this instance, I must assume there is another side of the story. He hasn't indicated that his wife is mentally unhinged and just has some vendetta against her. There is an issue between the women in his life and for what reason I don't know. I can also say that a mother should not get in the way of her child's spouse. I have boys and know full well that I must mind my p's and q's once they are married as that relationship supersedes mine. If my boys marry a nut job that will hate me just because they love me, then there is not much I can do. But I'd work real hard to not give them any ammo to hate me with. I think that there is probably some legitimate reason for the turmoil or else he would tell her he will not hear of this anymore. Otherwise, he is having issues with being heard in his relationship and that would be an area for him to work on as well as her. That their communication is faulty. Just my thoughts on that subject.
It kinda sounded like to me the reason was nothing more than he has to help support his mother. I could be wrong. I do agree that as a mother having a 27 year old married son I try hard to maintain a good relationship with my daughter in law but at the same time she is also good to me.It would just break my heart if she didnt care for me just because.Without knowing details I sure in shiva09 heart he knows who is right & who is wrong.
I guess I am hearing things that are not being said. There are so many red flags in this relationship for both husband and the wife. We do not have her side of the story for starters. Secondly, regardless of the affair or even how and why it happened is not as telling to me as the fact that you do not find your wife attractive sexually, she has a weight problem which you find ugly, does not get along with family members for whatever reason, and yet you never loved her. Why did you marry? And if you do not love her is it fair to stay with her and now both of you will be miserable. I think she deserves to be with someone who thinks she is wonderful and who will love her for her. You cannot do that. IMO, staying with someone when you do not love them is cruel to them and two miserable people cannot provide a happy environment for a child no matter how hard you try. I do not see this relationship working longterm. With or without therapy. The main elements simply are not there. Sorry
Thank you all for your valued comments. I honestly appreciate your views, it also shows me my faults in black and white. Few points:-
I did love my wife...despite all what i wrote, thought i would be able to change her.
I do want to make my marriage work and would give 200% effort before i give up. I'm giving it despite all the scene.
I also want to fall in love with my wife again......need advise on this.
I want to ensure full respect, love and honour to my mother and all that she deserves..my mother is my God...no compromise here.
A divorce will only be the very last option...when all hopes die
And yes! my mother is as egoistic as my wife. Both will break but wont bend.
Yes, therapy can help. I think that clear communication will be important as well. Telling your wife some of what you have said here may help. That you want a real and honestly loving relationship with her but that she will have to be open to that as well and move on. It takes time but she must acknowledge that this is what she wants as well and will do the work to get there.
With regards to the mother issue. Hopefully you will never have to choose . . . but if you do, choose your wife because your mother will then bend. Mother's tend to bend more if they think they have to. But the best thing is to keep the peace and tell them both that you expect this. You should be able to love both women and I'm sure it is much more complex than what we will understand here.
For building romance, are you still apart with your station? I'd write her lovely letters and try to stay as connected as possible. When you are together, spend time together without your daughter as often as possible. Remember when you were dating, think in terms of that. That romancing her needs to start all over again. Romance does not always mean sex . . . some women love good conversation, doing something they love to do with their mate, getting a neck rub. Start doing those things as if you are just now getting together. Start greeting her every time she or you walk in the door and say good bye with a hug and kiss every time she or you walk out of the door. Bring her flowers. All that stuff. But most of all, start doing things together that you both enjoy and try to reconnect.
Thank you specialmom for your advise, will follow them as recommended. Hope it works...
We are staying togather in my place of duty.
And very special thank you to Judy 246, Lisi251, Teko and Rock Rose for your responces.
As gratitude to all your comments and the time taken out by you all to respond to my problems, i dedicate the photos i uploaded for you all. These pictures were taken by me in places where my work takes me to....
Hope you like them
Today afternoon again there was a major showdown. I had got a nice piece of music which i wanted my wife to hear. Unfortunately, despite had vertually erased everything from my past affair, somehow few pictures of the other women with my mother when they had visited me for few days (My mother had fractured her hand and came to me for some rehab time and since this other woman was threatning me about disclosing our affair to my wife and visit my place of work of her own, i thought it would be good opportunity to calm her down and requested my mother for help and let her come along with her. I was staying alone at that time) remained back in my hard disk. This i had no knowledge of and i had honestly thought that i had deleted all part of my that life completely both from anything physical like pictures and my mind. While i was making my wife my listen to music in my laptop, she wanted to check my hard disk, this i readily agreed and sat down with her but out of nowhere my wife dug out pictures of the other women. I cried and pleaded that i had no knowledge about its existance but she didn't beleive and this time along with verbal abuse she went physical. Understanding her situation i quietly took all the blows and she really beat the hell out of me. But what felt bad was she again started abusing my mother and my sister. She called up her sister and she also told me things. Im again feeling very low today...we had invited few friends over for dinner tonight which i thought of cancelling but now its too late and she wants to go ahead with it...dont knows what will happen but i dont feel like returning home.....I know tonight after the dinner there would be another showdown.....If one commits a sin, one gets punishes only once and one goes through the sentence, at least they are free mentally thereafter but here i get crusified almost everyday and night...
Let me just say from a woman's perspective . . . if I already had issues with my mother in law and I thought my mother in law was not my fan----------- pictures of her and the other woman would have sent me through the roof. The sight of the woman who doesn't like me and feels like she comes between me and my husband along with the othe woman would be very painful. Just being honest. However, her reaction was over the top. Physical abuse is never okay. It is never too late to cancel an event and I would. I'd call and say that something has come up and we will do it again soon. And I would spend that time calmly talking to your wife. Tell your wife that if she raises a hand to you, you are leaving (and do so). Then have the conversation that you are trying to repair the relationship--------- the here and now. You're sorry for the past but can't change it. Where do we go from here to be a happy couple again. Let her know that her feelings are valid and that she may express them but that she must be willing to work on moving forward or there is no point. Will she work on moving forward?
I think for the time being, choose your wife over your mother. I know it feels bad when she rips them apart . . . but she is doing it to hurt you back. She knows she can get at you that way and she is hurting and wants to hurt. Just say, I agree. Mother shouldn't have been hanging out with her. Just go along with her and she'll have less reason to use it to hurt you. Don't let it.
You can't be crucified every day. You might be able to do it for a while but someone can't life like that forever. She needs to know that but in a way that says you understand how she feels and you are willing to work through those feelings until she can forgive. It just can't take the rest of your life. good luck
OUCH! Oops! Mom needs to take the back burner for now and the relationship between her and your wife will not be good for a very long time to come, if ever. With that said, if you want your relationship to work, Mom needs to be in the background. Concentrate on the marriage and if she hits you again, leave or call the police. Does not matter if she is justified or not, that is domestic violence and punishable by law. Sounds like some serious counseling is in order and joining and attending a church wouldnt be a bad idea either. I wish you luck.
Thank you 'Specialmom' and 'Teko'. I dont talk to my mother in front of my wife.
Last night we went through the Dinner event. She rather enjoyed it and i played along. It was rather amusing to hide my bruises. She apologised for the physical part later but with a rider that at that condition she was out of control. It seems she understands her her power over me now and using it fully. She thinks that i'm putting up with all this because i'm scared for it to become public and i will be punished officially by the Military authority and my career will be over.
Tommorow I'm going out for official trip and am taking my wife along, while i will be busy, she will be sightseeing. Will also take some time out. Hope it does some good...
I am sorry, I have a hard time reading this and feeling sorry for you. I know you are aware of doing wrong but to belittle your wife about her weight and how she does nothing for you so you have an affair? Your wife must be devastated.Here she is in a family where she is not accepted ( thou be it she may be the cause) looses her babies, adopts a child while you are off doing your own thing. No wounder she has gained weight STRESS does that.Why not try being there for her. I am sorry. I do not want to sound mean. IT just annoys me when people blame others for their actions. You made the choice. And how did this other woman force you to meet your sister. Did she hold a gun to your head? come on! Man up and take responsibility., If you want out, get out, if you want it to work then do your part. Give your wife time. IT has only been 5 months. May take her years to get over the betrayal. You have to decide is she worth it to you? If she will not get council then you go alone.
I have to agree with lovemykids on this one. For days I have come on here and read and wanted to write but chose not to since I have my own feelings about infidelity and I didn't want to come off as insensitive but I just can't help myself. If you were that unhappy with your wife, you should've left her, instead you didn't, you took part in an affair where you claimed to be "forced". No one forces you to do anything. I totally agree with specialmom when she says, your mother needs to be put on the back burner. When you marry a woman, your mother backs off and takes the sidelines. She is no longer the woman in your life because the wife is now there to take on that role. A mother will understand that, as hard as it is, but she will know you have to live your life. I have two friends who have to deal with overbearing mother in laws who don't know how to back off and don't know how to let their sons live their own lives, that one of my friends is seeking to file for divorce because her husband would always choose his mother's side, and my other friend is constantly contemplating a divorce because her husband financial supports his mother and has put strain on their own finances because of it. It's not fair to my friends at all, especially when both are great women who don't deserve it. Your wife may not be the nicest but I'm sure you have contributed to the downfall of your marriage even prior to the affair. And lovemykids is correct, 5 months is not a long time when you are trying to recover from a huge betrayal. It probably feels like just yesterday and the more new info she discovers the harder it is for her to move forward. I'm sure finding the picture made her relive the pain once again and it's not a happy place to be. If you can't have patience then you should just leave now. No, she can't make you pay for it the rest of your lives together but you have to understand the severe heartache you just put her through. You both need a lot of help here and you need to keep reassuring her that you are sorry and will do whatever it takes to bring the love back. She should not be putting her hands on you but I have to admit, I'm very guilty of it myself when I experienced it done to me and didn't know where to place my anger. I've learned to cope with it better but it's not easy. Good luck.
I just returned back to my base after 5 days. Took my wife to various places and did spend some great time togather. She used to be fine while sightseeing but would start fighting again alomost everyday the moment we get back to palce of stay.
Thank you very much lovemykids465 and mami1323 for your valued comments. I totally agree with you about what i have done is terribly wrong and beleive you me, i myself am amazed as to how i managed to do what i did. I truely feel horrible...
A few clarifications - I never ever commented or belittled my wife about her weight or her being obese. I never spoke to her about her weight but definitely frequently asked her to try to exercise to be fit and be active. What feels bad that knowing this herself she never took care of her health except spending on cosmetics. I bought her Treadmill and various other exercise equipment so that she can exercise at home till date she never bothered.
About introduction to my sister - I had tried hard to get out of the realation quietly and I had made it very clear to the other woman that I will never leave my wife. She then started threatning me to disclose it to my wife and commit suicide if i don't tell my wife (she tried commiting suicide once before in her marriage before i knew her). As a bargain i spoke to my sister for help to pacify her down. She then wanted to visit me in my work location which i refused. She then treatened that she will land up over there and will create a scene in front of my superiors, its then that i agreed to get her there along with my mother who was visiting me at that time. (My wife was not there at that time).
Well she sounds like a raving lunatic. My recommendation is forget about it. Forget about that relationship, forget about this psycho, focus on repairing your marriage. Of course if that's what you want to do. Perhaps your wife is depressed. When people are depressed they don't even have the energy to exercise. Can you two meet with a counselor? I'm sure the military can find you one.
I think it was probably not the best idea to take pictures during the time she had blackmailed you into being with her and you had your mother present as well. (keep all cameras put away when in a compromising position . . .) This is in the past, however, I know you are trying to move on. I am glad that your trip was semi successful. The fact that during the day you were able to have a good time together is good. I do think the fighting later is indictive of the relationship needing work--------- but this can get better. I still think counseling will be important. She also needs to understand that she will have to try to get over this at some point. You deserve a good tongue lashing and you've gotten that a thousand times over now. She is entitled to have a vulnerable moment that she brings up her hurt and anger. But constantly making you the bad guy and arguing is an issue. I think she might not be aware that she can't continue to do that and have the relationship repair. A counselor may help her work through that. I'd keep the "dates" up and stay positive. Sometimes saying "let's go for a walk" together will work if seen as an activity of a couple vs a work out. Just getting her to start doing something would be awesome (mostly for her health and emotional state----------- do you think she has depression or thyroid issues?)-------- it matters not what it is. So a nice walk with you would be a good start. Good luck
Thank you mami1323 and specialmom for your continued guidance, i value them tremendously as it is the only way i get to express my feeling and feel a little bit better..
I have cleaned out all traces of my affair from all possible places. those pictures were mere accidental as i had no idea that they still existed. During my affair and while being constantly threatened, i had recorded my conversastion with the other woman and made my wife listen to them. They are the only proofs and few sms that i retain with full knowledge of my wife which actually shows how the woman blackmailed me. This i keep for my own security in case the other woman does something against me.
Last night again she suddenly brought up the issue and started fighting and now added insults to my mother and sister. She again went physical and abused me, my mother and my sister. This went on till way past midnight..Again in the morning she restarted the whole thing till i left for office.
She spends most of her time surfing the internet searching for the other woman and keeping a tab on whats she is doing, whom she is in contact with, who all are her friends etc etc...This has become an obsession for her
And yes specialmom, my wife does have thyroid problem. She had been operated upon for a thyroid goiter in her throat long time back and presently her T3, T4 and TSH readings are higher than normal. Doctors have not given her any medicine for this and will repeat the tests again after a month. Whenever i ask her to come out for a walk she generally avaoids it for physical reasons as she cannot even walk for a meaningfull distance. But I will try..
About the counselling, my present duty station is a remote area but i have taken up family accomodation here and keeping my wife with me only. I will try to look for a counsellor here.
I understand your wife's need for knowledge. It comes out of curiosity and out of concern. We want to see what you saw so we can understand why. I also kept tabs on the other woman because I wanted to make sure she was completely out of my fiance's life. When I saw her moving on it gave me much comfort. If your wife cheated on you would you not want to know everything about the man she cheated with? After a while the need to look and gain information goes away. Your wife is hurt and angry and feels betrayed. You both definitely need counseling but you need to tell her that the next time if she touches you in an argument you will leave. She needs to understand that you won't tolerate physical abuse.
We go thru life making bad choices and then when it comes time to take responsibility for it we cry foul! Thus, the old adage of hindsite is always 20/20. What a mess this has made for you, your wife as well as your family. I am not at all sure your wife will survive this betrayal. Some women do survive and go on to have even a better relationship, then you have some that try and try to deal with it and eventually get tired of living with the anger, hurt and sadness it provokes deep inside ones self. You have learned your lesson for sure and would like things to be normal again. But how does she resume normal. She has no one to vent to other than you and perhaps a counselor. She has nowhere to put her emotions that are safe and will not cause further problems. It is a vicious cycle. I hope your marriage survives this but only time will tell. If the love she feels for you is deeper than the anger, maybe it will. Personally, I am the personality type that would have been gone upon hearing your admission. Personally that is a deal breaker and if I am going to be in that kind of pain, I may as well keep my self respect in the process. I would never cheat on my husband nor me him, we have an agreement that if this issue comes up, be honest beforehand and give me an option to opt out but do not instill that kind of betrayal on me. It does something to ones core. Good luck and please try to find somewhere for therapy asap.
Do try to find a counselor. It is very common when someone has a thyroid issue that they will also have depression. I really wonder if this is going on with your wife. Even a walk of very short duration will help her. I'd try more often.
The physical abuse must stop. Do you fight back with her? I'd not do so and remain quiet. I would also tell her calmly and clearly that if she raises a hand or whatever else to you, that you will leave for the time being. That must stop. I'd ignore insults to your mother and remember that she is doing it to bother you and they will lesson if you act as if you do not care.
Please find a counselor, let her know physical attacks will not continue or you will be forced to leave (and really, do so for a period of time for her to cool off), and try to communicate with her at calm moments. I fear for this relationship if she is not willing to try as you appear you are trying. I wish you luck.
I'm trying to get a counselor asap, my problem is my location. Its a field area devoid of much civilisation. Am trying for couseling over telephon or through internet.
I never hit back, i just grab my hands behind my back to prevent any reflex action. I dont even try to save myself and i take it as my punishment. To verbal abuses - i quetly accept them and tell her that she is correct about me for all the names she takes..
My only problem is i am not being able to handle abuses to my mother and sister. My wife never had any cordial relation with them and she rarely ever spoke to them. My folks got involved in it because of me and to save me and now they are also facing the wrath...
Okay, speaking strongly with you here-------------- you must tell her in a peaceful moment that she is never ever to lay a hand on you again or you are walking out the door. And sir, walk out the door if she does it. I think something more is going on with her---------- depression, for one. She is acting out of control. And you are not helping her by letting yourself be her punching bag. That has to stop. What if your daughter saw it? That would be apalling. So please tell her it can not happen again---------- and you will leave for a period of time if it does. As far as the verbal abuse------- ignore what she says about your mother and sister. IGNORE it. She says it to bother you as it is your hot button. Say in your mind "it matters not, it matters not". But I think at some point, you need to point out to her that she is out of control. She sounds like a raging maniac (sorry---------- that sounds harsh, but that is what she sounds like)---------- she needs to be told that she can not continue to be out of control. You can be angry and share your feelings without insults and screaming and carrying on. Start with the physical and make it clear----------- this ends. It really has to.
I'm glad you are pursing counseling. I think your wife needs to see a medical doctor. I'm afraid a chemical imbalance is occuring. I know you will have trouble getting her to admit that. That is a tough one. A counselor would pick up on it and tell her-------- but only if it is face to face. How long are you stationed in this location?
I agree with specialmom. However I think you need to take some responsibility for why your wife dislikes your mother and sister. It wasn't their place to get involved with your marriage. That wasn't their business and now they are wrapped up in your wife's anger. I think you need to start taking your wife's side more and just ignore her when she starts in on them.
You should give your wife TIME:
Time to be angry
Time to be hurt
Time to cry
Time to heal
She probably doesn't want to hurt you, but she is hurt. You violated a SACRED trust, your relationship, and every vow you took on your wedding day.
IT is completely your fault. When the moment came to make a decision, you made the wrong one. IT wasn't as if you would never have sex again was it? You really don't even need a women for stimulation when it comes down to it...
Bottom line- You need to take responsibility for your actions. You are a conscious being capable of making complex decisions. You are not like a squirrel in a park looking for a mate.
You should spend every moment trying to make things up with your wife. If you don't understand this (and show that you understand this to your wife), then your wife won't forgive you.
As for that other woman-she wanted to hurt you. And she wanted to hurt your family. She wants to punish you. Whatever you do, don't go back to her. She is manipulative, and seems to have some unhealthy psychological tendencies.
However, If you don't love your wife and you don't want to remain in the marriage, then at least be honest with her. People respect the truth. If you lie to her and continue the affair or stay with her when you don't love her, then she will hate you more.That will not be good for your daughter.
Speaking from personal experience, when you are honest with a person you give that person the opportunity to choose how they will react to the situation. When you lie, and the lie is discovered there is usually one response (if it is a malicious lie): anger, hate, alienation and etc.
Thank you Specialmom, Mami1323 and PassionFlower09 for your comments, I was out on tour for a few days and there is slight improvement in home front.
The frequency of my wife getting upset was reduced after an incident in last to last Sunday when she badmouthed me while serving lunch and stated that i deserve it and am supposed to bear it for my actions.
This was very painful and i was very deeply hurt, she mellowed down after that day just for few days. But she came back with a bang...Last night she got herself drunk and started crying and yelling. With great difficulty and begging profusely i managed to calm her down.
Now I am going to ask a very private question....
My wife demands to make love immidiately after all this emotional termoil. She is very active sexually and most of the time she wants me to assit her if i'm not prepared.
All along this last 5 months, we have been making love regularly almost thrice a week.
Is it natural.....
I totally agree that the fault is mine and mine alone and i am ready to walk the fire for it..rather i am walking it almost everyday--morning, afternoon, evening till late night. This Forum is the only place where i have managed to express myself. My marriage has not been a great one and my mother and my sister were never made comfortable by my wife. She never liked them from the begining and would get upset if called my mother or received her calls.
Whatever i did 'm deeply ashamed of it. I myself am amazed at my pathetic conduct and will bear this burden till my last day. I will do everything possible to make this marriage work and will take all that she throws at me.
As you said--Its her time and her everything.....
But can't i atleast ask for a little respect for my folks?? now of course all avenues are closed.
My biggest guilt is that neither i could have a happy married life Nor did i manage to keep my mother happy in her old age.
I feel like a total failure...and its all my fault....What a life i have....
I do believe you have the right to give her the time to grieve but I also believe she has to put forth effort into moving forward and trying to let go of the anger. There is a time limit to how long someone can feel that they are being punished for their actions. If you haven't seen improvement in a few months I would push for counseling if she wishes to continue to stay in the marriage. I still recommend it now.
As for your mother and sister, she never liked them at all? I mean was there an incident that may have led to her dislike? I can't see someone just not liking someone at all. I'm sure it has built up a lot of resentment. Can you keep your relationship with your mother and sister separate from that of your wife? This is something else you should discuss in therapy if you both decide to go.
I just think that you have to see insults to your folks for what they are-------- words. Words that bother you. Don't let them bother you. You have control over that. I think if you are repairing your relationship with your wife, you should tell your mother this. Your mother should respect that (and especially your sister!). I'd bet my life that the broken relationship is a two way street and mother and sister are no angels. So, just don't react to the insults. And I'd gather that over time it will lesson. It is the same thing you do with children. Ignore bad behavior. So worry about mending the relationships between your wife and sister/mother later and just work on mending YOUR relationship with your wife.
I am glad that things have been going a little better. Keep that up and hopefully it will continue along that path. I think eventually you can say---------- no more fighting about this. Mention in therapy that you want reassurance that she will not try to torture you forever. As far as sexually speaking------ do you mind the interaction? If you do not, then why not continue? It sounds like one of the ways she feels connected to you.
Despite my best efforts, there are very trying times when i'm being tested for my ultimate control over myself. Today afternoon suddenly she went hyper over a music folder in my laptop whose properties showed date stamp of 06 Dec last year when as per my wife i was meeting. Despite my best effort to make her beleive its not true and that a music folder of love songs have got nothing to do with the other woman and that i was not with that woman on that day fell into deaf ears. She again went physical.slapped and kicked me.. this time i grabbed her tight and pushed her down on the sofa to control her rage and told her i will NOT take this physical behaviour any more. Now she tells me that i tried to hit her and pushing her is same as hitting...Then i apologised and told her that her accusitions are baseless and crazy. She then imdtly jumped the topic and got my mother and sister into it and now she wants that they should apologise to her...
I told my wife that has nothing to anything with my folks and lets just leave them apart and i wont ever mention them in the house...
..and like all othger times...she again started off with all the blame game and that she left everything for me and that she didnt do anything in life because of me and i'm responsible for her NOT being professional and that she never took a job and so on and so forth...and that she wants to leave me..blah blah blah.....
I walked out of the house and returned to my office....
You did the right thing. You can't reason with someone that is unreasonable. As you see it about to escalate, leave. If it starts, say I'm going for a walk. I'm NOT doing this. If she becomes physical-------- no more talking just head out the door. I'm not sure where this is headed but I do believe your wife has a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed. I believe from your description that her thyroid is out of sync, and thus her hormones and she now suffers depression as well. She is not handling anger in an appropriate way and this needs to be addressed with her. No. You can't live like this forever. She needs to hear you say that. Your past sins do not require you to endure misery.
Sometime the situation seems so hopeless.....
I do not call my mother or sister in front of her and hide my calls to home as she gets very upset...now she is accusing me for this....I told her that i do so simply to prevent you getting upset and that you dont have anything to with them at all anymore. Lets try to separate that life out of ours.
To this she says that she thinks i still am maintaining my relation with the other woman and my folks are also helping in this..I told her that i will call my folks in front of her then but she should'nt get upset as we wont be talking anything against you. She doesn't agree to this also and says she cant gurantee her good behaviour..
Now she wants my folks to apologise to her....says that my folks should be aware of harm she can do to us (by taking us to court etc) and for that my folks should apologise.
I spoke to my mom about it and she flatly refused. In fact my mother called up my wife a couple of times but my wife never called her back and she was always very cold in her responses and later she gives me the hell...all the time.
Here is something I am not understanding---------- your wife seems to threaten you a lot. She'll go to your superiors, take you and your parents to court, etc. Are these real concerns of yours? Is this why you stay? What if you told her to go ahead and you don't care. Then maybe she will work on the relationship for real rather than "lording" something over you.
No Specialmom, i'm really not concerned with these, I have told her that she can do whatever she wants to do and in fact she did go to my superiors but they advised to sort it out ourself only. My wife has very frequent mood swings, she will be happy now and moment later she will think of some past event and get upset and start her things over...
Whenever i have tried to tell her this she then complains that i dont love her and thats why i'm complaining. No amount pf talking has helped till date.
I'm in this relation and want it to work because..
1. I have really done something very wrong...
2. We have a daughter now and want to give her a good upbringing.
3. I'm really not sure what love is at this moment and cannot truely answer my love for my wife...I want to be with her but when she is upset it doen't seems to work...Thats why i asked about the sexual part.
I really think that you are going to have to lay it on the line for her. She needs to take recovery of this relationship seriously. She must embrace moving on. She can be angry but she can not ruminate over things and pick fights to the point of physical altercations. She just can't. And she needs to know this. She needs to address her difficulty in handling her anger and find appropriate ways of dealing with it. I'd really love it if she addressed her mental state. I don't mean that in a condescending way but she appears to be suffering from a chemical imbalance and that will cloud all else until it is dealt with. I hope this works out as you would like it so. But she will need to want it to work out as well.
I think i'm loosing it, cant understand this situation.
I don't feel like going home after work. Only thing that draws me back is my daughter. I am slowly feeling the indifference towards her, constant bickering now is getting into my nerve. Constant snooping, sniffing for any evidence against me, every bit of stuff in the house is looked into with suspicion whether it belongs to the other woman or not. Making up imaginary stories in the mind and starts believing them and interrogating me on them. It seems so damn suffocating.....
I really admire you for making this work and still hope deep down that it does. But what worries me is your wife seems to not feel she has any responsibility in this. She needs to also try to make changes to get the relationship back on track. I'm worried that she is depressed or more with regards to her mental state and things can't get better until that is addressed. She seems so unwilling to seek any help or ownership of what SHE does to derail this relationship that I feel the chances of success with that are not high. And because you did wrong and have guilt over it, you are not able to tell her forcefully or with any credibility that she MUST address her own problems in order for this relationship to work out. You are in a difficult situation. I think that it was good that you were trying to bring romance/connection back and you had some good moments with that. I'd continue that and try to make it to a couples therapist. I'd bring up in therapy that she is unwilling to move on and repair the relationship, that she verbally and physically attempts to abuse you, etc. She'll want to attack you for that------- but she needs help with it. I'd also start to think about worst case scenario. And before that happens (as in you have to leave her)--------- I'd lay it on the line. SHE needs to address her chemical imbalance, she needs to get involved with some sort of anger management program, and you will give her a chance to fix HERSELF or you will have to leave. Just my thoughts on it---------- but if she does not address the above two issues---------- this relationship will end. For your own sake, it would have to. And quite frankly, I'm worried about your daughter in the environment with such a volatile mother. good luck
Ya know, you were wrong, you admitted it, your folks were wrong (they should admit it and apologize as well), but it sounds like a long history of bad feelings there. She has a right to be hurt this is true, but it sounds like she is using every single little thing to exercise control and to continue to be a victim. You need to take back some of the control over your own life at some point as obviously she is more interested in punishing you than working on the marriage. I still believe only a few women are strong enuff to survive their spouse having an affair. What you are describing is the path leading to not making it in your marriage. I am not sure she is capable of anything other than blame at this point, it has worked for her in helping her get her way and loads of attention. At some point you just got to smell the roses and move on. The ball is in her court and it is time you let her know that. I mean, I am almost beginning to understand how the affair happened as wrong as it was. Who could live like this for very long without killing each other? With her mood swings I would watch my back my friend.
I got out of the house today early morning for office and had no where to go. Just drove around till office time...
My wife slept early last night and i, with my daughter, ensured that she is not disturbed.
My wife woke up early and started her blame game again, she started shouting and repeating the same things that i'm hearing for last 5 months. She wants answers to the questions that i have replied by now over a thousand times. It then crosses over to blaming my folks and and the threat of leaving me.
I try to explain that i know i have wronged you and deeply ashamed and sorry about it but that is past now. I cannot change the past but can only promise about the future.
Recently I made two investments in my daughters and my wife's name. I had invested in a house which i will give it to my wife either she stays with me or not. But even then she blames that its too late....
She says that she will not be able to start her life and cannot find work this late in life and i'm to blame for it. (She is a graduate in Fashion Designing from a reputed institution and used run her own Boutique, she stopped her business after our marriage. It was her choice to do so. I tried to persuade her to take up a job but she never did, i tried to persuade her to start a hobby, in fact she a good artist and can sketch very well. She buys many sets of paints and brushes and all the paraphernalia but never got down to using them.)
I assure her of financial support all throughout her life but that also is not working. I try to tell her its her she who is ruining the prospects of our happiness but to this her standard reply is that i should have thought about it before. In fact this is the reply i get for anything i say to her.
Back home my mother stays all alone and she is also facing problems at the house and i cannot do anything about it. I dont discuss anything about my folks with my wife and used to delete the call details, but to this also she gets upset. She saw my calls today morning (she always checks my phone and laptop whenever i'm with her) and asked about my calls to my mother. When i told her about the problem at home she again used it as a weapon against me.....
My wife, my mother and my job.....My greatest challenge in life is to preserve sanity and stay alive....and its only for my daughter
Your Mother may need to stay away from your wife, but it is unfair of your wife to expect you to break contact with your mother for her. You only have one mom, and you should never ever break contact or sneak around about your relationship with your mother. Never! Those two relationships are separate.You should talk to and visit your mother and if she and your wife do not get along, that is between them. Otherwise you will build great resentment at yourself and your wife. It needs to stop. Your wife is just going to have to decide what she can and cannot live with and decide accordingly. I think it is time to set some boundaries and if she cannot deal with it, it is her call. Two wrongs don't make a right.
I agree, she needs to start doing things that are going to heal the relationship. Yes you messed up but she needs to deal with her anger. I think specialmom is right, she sounds a little unstable. She treats your mom like she is the other woman and it seems she needs to be #1 in your life and any other woman taking that role is a threat. Does she act this way when it comes to your daughter to? Does she want you to be close to your daughter? I think it's time that you put your foot down. Tell her you've done everything humanly possible to make things right, that you even are willing to do counseling. You don't expect her to have a relationship with your mother or sister but that you would like to have one separate of her. Tell her that you have endured enough verbal and physical abuse and that if she wants to stay with you in this marriage than she has to learn to put the past aside and work on the future of this marriage. Not to forget it but try her hardest to forgive. You can have patience but don't need to be beaten every day for it. If she can't do it, then you need to consider leaving.
Read all the interactions above... a few pointers;
- Get to a good therapist immediately ( both together)
- Your wife needs some medical help for hormonal imbalance( which may be due to stress u caused or thyroid)
- Your wife is overtly physical and is more concerned about the physical relationship that u shared with the other woman... she feels more violated there.. hence u like it or not, you will have to remain physical with her more often than not to keep the marriage
- settle her into some career.. some involvement which can give her self respect back... you have taken it away from her....
- Tell your wife that you will NOT sever your connection with your mom.. and tell her that both have seperate space in your life.. unfortunately, you have not been able to distinguish so far...
- Any infidelity hurts to death... even if you are not sharing a good relationship with your spouse... healing will take longer than you think...
- once you have violated the rules, you've got to pay for it... what were u thinking when you involved your mom and sis in this? were they supportive towards the other woman? musta been... I do not blame your wife for hating them now....
- For god's sake do not fight in front of your daughter...
As for assuring her of my intent to make this marriage work, i do everything known to me for saying and doing things to make her believe that i want to make this marriage work....
I tell her i love her...take her out...go for family outings...and love her in all possible ways....regularly
However, it doesn't seems to be working.
She often keeps repeating that she is in this marriage because of our daughter and that she is now old and cannot restart her life. (She is 38).
She often repeats that she wants to leave me and wants to go back.
She seems to be fine on her own but the moment she sees me she gets the feeling back again.
She will bring up issues out of nowhere and again mostly untrue. She will imagine situations and starts believing them to be true and would seek explanation. When i tell her that these are not true she just wont believe my part and will say that she doesn't trust me.
I don't know how to bring proofs for things that didn't happen on ground. Just a few moments back she called me in my office and started accusing me of knowing the other women way long back then the actual time i knew her. She now accuses my mother and my sister of knowing her much in past. These accusations are untrue but she wont believe me. She wants proof but how can i get these proofs i don't know.
Last Sunday we went out on family outing to a nice place. Another couple joined us but since we were in different vehicles it didn't matter much. While going only started again on the issue. I requested her to try take it out of her for the time being and enjoy the outing but she would start blaming me that i don't want to discuss the issue because i'm trying to protect the other woman. On our way back again she would start the topic, but while on the outing she seemed to enjoy it fully with the other couple.
Her main complaint is that i have made her loose her self respect and that i have destroyed her because she cannot support herself at this age. Secondly, she believes that i'm in it because i'm scared of the legal and social consequences if she complains to authorities. Almost everyday she now demands her ticket to her parents house and says that she cannot live with me...
I can take all that she throws at me and wont say a thing but i really don't know how it is effecting our daughter. I request her not to get upset in front of our daughter but this she would say ' i should have thought about it before and that she should know what kind of man i am'. Our daughter is just 2 yrs 10 months old.
As for my Mother and Sister, she never liked them right from the beginning and and mostly it was a mutual feeling. Their relationship have been extremely strained always so its not new. My folks were extremely critical of what i had done and never in agreement on this. I got them involved so as to pacify the other woman who was threatening me with suicide and telling my wife. I had tried to end this relationship many a times right after i realised what i have got into and was looking for a peaceful and quiet exit. I requested the other woman so many times and was buying time thinking she would get disgusted with me. My mom and sis has nothing to do with the other woman and they are equally sorry about the whole issue.
Presently, my wife's main complaint is that i have lied to her and for that she can never trust me...this feeling of hers i understand, but she complains that i have not come clean and asks such questions that i have no answers..
1. What did the other woman have that I (my wife) don't have?
2. How could i continue for such a long time and never told her?
3. How did i feel with her? I must have been in love with other woman etc...which i always deny.
4. What we were talking or doing minute by minute when i was with the other woman?
5. How did i have a physical relationship with the other woman and how was it different or special than the one with my wife?
6. How could i get aroused by the other woman and not by my wife during my period of infidelity? (I never actually had intercourse with my wife during the period of infidelity but used to do everything else except the final part. My standard excuse was my back pain and actually i could never get aroused with my wife during that period. May be out of shame as i was always feeling guilty at that time but lacked moral courage to tell my wife about my relation).
My wife now constantly threatens to leave me and i just keep mumbling how sorry...
Physical abuse have now stopped but replaced with more frequent complaints all the time.
I agree with Teko. This is a lot more than anger over infidelity. I think that your wife has some mental health issues and is not addressing them. That happens at times as some people will not admit that they have an issue and cause such pain and misery in their partner. Your home sounds full of pain. This is not healthy for anyone. When you say you created it, well--------- that is wrong. You contributed to it and your wife did as well equally. Flat out, she is half to blame. At some point it is okay to say I did everyhing I could and this isn't working out. I wish you the best.
she is nuts...get out while you can!!!
Nothing will ever be enough for her, it wasn't before the cheating, and will never be now...
the child care /share can be worked out by lawyers.
sorry to soiund cold, but this could go on like this forever.
I would move on!
I was a victim of infidelity, my fiance cheated on me for almost 2 years and when I caught him he had begged for forgiveness. I decided I would give it a shot. We went for counseling and I have to admit, it took a long time to get over. It took a really long time to feel comfortable with him again. I would often times fake the happiness and the anger would come out during our arguments. But I didn't spend every waking moment lashing out. I was hurt and he wasn't the same man that I thought he was. It changed a lot for me, however, I always reminded myself that I chose to stay and work it out. For the sake of our son and because I loved him and because of that I had to try and put aside the pain and anger and allow us to have a chance. The first year is the hardest, it's always up and down in emotions. I still now 2 years later have certain moments but nothing like I did in the beginning. However, with that being said, I was able to really get to a place where I could enjoy him, even when I was going through the motions. I was capable of holding back the rage long enough to let him try. It doesn't seem like your wife is doing that. She wants to hold you accountable constantly and what more can you do? I mean you are trying, if she can't see that then how are supposed to move forward. I agree with the above posters, if you've tried and it's still not working, you need to move on and work out visitation for your daughter.
I do feel bad for you because you seem to really want this to work out. But I'm afraid unless you force the issue of her taking the relationship and her part in its demise seriously------- nothing will ever change. I'm sorry. I wish I had more to offer. But when you've tried as hard as you can and it still is in the same place, it becomes unhealthy for everyone. I wish you the best. (and document issues with your wife to help ensure that you get partial custody. With her mental health issues, I think that would be important for your daughter's sake.) good luck
I can semi relate I can feel your pain, I cheated on my boyfriend (now husband) about 2 months ago, it was a complete mistake... I was at this party under the influence... I tried to have sex with someone but we didnt... a month after this "party" I told my husband everything, we talked worked things out and married each other almost a month ago... and he still hurts I cant blame him, he racks up things in his head that he thinks or believes i did and comes to me saying he seen pictures, and i know damn well there were no pictures... i have told him countless times to move forward quit living in the past its going to ruin us and our marriage and i mean we are getting there we have known eachother for 8 years and have a little almost 4year boy and trying for another one... but we have our moments were he doesnt want me to go anywhere because he doesnt trust me (which i still cant blame him, i have also lied to him quite a few times and i dont know why) he doesnt want me to drink (im 22 and he is 20) I cant where short shorts with out being called a name.. and there is nothing i can do because Im the one who did this im the one who hurt him... And I love him, we are working through our problems which is good and I really hope you work everything out too!!!!
I'm so thankful to all of for your supportive comments,
But I won't quit, i can't bear to get out of a situation which i had created. I will fight it out (bear the wrath) till i can and wont quit myself. I want this marriage to work, i want to fall in love with her again, want to win her back, her trust and love.
My daughter is very precious to me and i just cannot loose her...
I will have to make this marriage work....i will make it work..
I am a soldier.....i will stick it out
Need all your blessings and good wishes..all your prayers to strengthen my resolve...
May God punish me for my sins and simultaneously give me strength to bear it so that i come out of it with respect and love...
Hi, you mentioned that your wife was overweight and unattractive to you. Has she always been like this? If she felt beautiful and attractive to you, that would be a good start. No woman wants to not be beautiful to her man. Perhaps it would help if you were attracted to her.
If you cant get back the love, respect and attraction then you should probably set her and yourself free. Theres no benefits to your daughter being brought up in a home where theres no joy and love. It teaches your daughter that its alright for a woman to treat a man that way and vice versa.
Live your life and let your wife live hers with someone yall can truly love and thrive with. Someone who makes you a better person...someone that will make her a better person.
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