Should i break up or continue

[Shiva09]

Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......

[0123teresa]

Hi, you mentioned that your wife was overweight and unattractive to you. Has she always been like this? If she felt beautiful and attractive to you, that would be a good start. No woman wants to not be beautiful to her man. Perhaps it would help if you were attracted to her.

If you cant get back the love, respect and attraction then you should probably set her and yourself free. Theres no benefits to your daughter being brought up in a home where theres no joy and love. It teaches your daughter that its alright for a woman to treat a man that way and vice versa.

Live your life and let your wife live hers with someone yall can truly love and thrive with. Someone who makes you a better person...someone that will make her a better person.

[Shiva09]

I'm so thankful to all of for your supportive comments,
But I won't quit, i can't bear to get out of a situation which i had created. I will fight it out (bear the wrath) till i can and wont quit myself. I want this marriage to work, i want to fall in love with her again, want to win her back, her trust and love.
My daughter is very precious to me and i just cannot loose her...
I will have to make this marriage work....i will make it work..
I am a soldier.....i will stick it out
Need all your blessings and good wishes..all your prayers to strengthen my resolve...
May God punish me for my sins and simultaneously give me strength to bear it so that i come out of it with respect and love...

[happywifey]

I can semi relate I can feel your pain, I cheated on my boyfriend (now husband) about 2 months ago, it was a complete mistake... I was at this party under the influence... I tried to have sex with someone but we didnt... a month after this "party" I told my husband everything, we talked worked things out and married each other almost a month ago... and he still hurts I cant blame him, he racks up things in his head that he thinks or believes i did and comes to me saying he seen pictures, and i know damn well there were no pictures... i have told him countless times to move forward quit living in the past its going to ruin us and our marriage and i mean we are getting there we have known eachother for 8 years and have a little almost 4year boy and trying for another one... but we have our moments were he doesnt want me to go anywhere because he doesnt trust me (which i still cant blame him, i have also lied to him quite a few times and i dont know why) he doesnt want me to drink (im 22 and he is 20) I cant where short shorts with out being called a name.. and there is nothing i can do because Im the one who did this im the one who hurt him... And I love him, we are working through our problems which is good and I really hope you work everything out too!!!!

[specialmom]

I do feel bad for you because you seem to really want this to work out.  But I'm afraid unless you force the issue of her taking the relationship and her part in its demise seriously------- nothing will ever change.  I'm sorry.  I wish I had more to offer.  But when you've tried as hard as you can and it still is in the same place, it becomes unhealthy for everyone.  I wish you the best.  (and document issues with your wife to help ensure that you get  partial custody.  With her mental health issues, I think that would be important for your daughter's sake.)  good luck

[mami1323]

I was a victim of infidelity, my fiance cheated on me for almost 2 years and when I caught him he had begged for forgiveness.  I decided I would give it a shot.  We went for counseling and I have to admit, it took a long time to get over.  It took a really long time to feel comfortable with him again.  I would often times fake the happiness and the anger would come out during our arguments.  But I didn't spend every waking moment lashing out.  I was hurt and he wasn't the same man that I thought he was.  It changed a lot for me, however, I always reminded myself that I chose to stay and work it out.  For the sake of our son and because I loved him and because of that I had to try and put aside the pain and anger and allow us to have a chance.  The first year is the hardest, it's always up and down in emotions.  I still now 2 years later have certain moments but nothing like I did in the beginning.  However, with that being said, I was able to really get to a place where I could enjoy him, even when I was going through the motions.  I was capable of holding back the rage long enough to let him try.  It doesn't seem like your wife is doing that.  She wants to hold you accountable constantly and what more can you do?  I mean you are trying, if she can't see that then how are supposed to move forward.  I agree with the above posters, if you've tried and it's still not working, you need to move on and work out visitation for your daughter.

[pitter]

ps...someone has to stop this merry go round, by getting OFF. And not getting back on...
let her face  her mental problems HERSELF.

[pitter]

she is nuts...get out while you can!!!
Nothing will ever be enough for her, it wasn't before the cheating, and will never be now...
the child care /share can be worked out by lawyers.
sorry to soiund cold, but this could go on like this forever.
I would move on!

[specialmom]

I agree with Teko.  This is a lot more than anger over infidelity.  I think that your wife has some mental health issues and is not addressing them.  That happens at times as some people will not admit that they have an issue and cause such pain and misery in their partner.  Your home sounds full of pain.  This is not healthy for anyone.  When you say you created it, well--------- that is wrong.  You contributed to it and your wife did as well equally.  Flat out, she is half to blame.  At some point it is okay to say I did everyhing I could and this isn't working out.  I wish you the best.  

[teko]

Maybe its time to move on. Sometimes it is the only thing we can do, for the happiness of all involved.

[Shiva09]

Nothing was right, nothing seems will get right...ever.
I have created this hell...i guess i will have to live it till the end...

Forgiveness can only be begged.....but it should not be taken as ones weakness...
I do not know how long i can hold on to my sanity....

[feb23]

hope u have a grt day....enjoying with wife, in-laws, daughter... god bless..

[Shiva09]

Hosting my In-Laws at home for few days.
Seems that all will be right for sometime....
Hopefully....

[Shiva09]

Presently, my wife's main complaint is that i have lied to her and for that she can never trust me...this feeling of hers i understand, but she complains that i have not come clean and asks such questions that i have no answers..
1. What did the other woman have that I (my wife) don't have?
2. How could i continue for such a long time and never told her?
3. How did i feel with her? I must have been in love with other woman etc...which i always deny.
4. What we were talking or doing minute by minute when i was with the other woman?
5. How did i have a physical relationship with the other woman and how was it different or special than the one with my wife?
6. How could i get aroused by the other woman and not by my wife during my period of infidelity? (I never actually had intercourse with my wife during the period of infidelity but used to do everything else except the final part. My standard excuse was my back pain and actually i could never get aroused with my wife during that period. May be out of shame as i was always feeling guilty at that time but lacked moral courage to tell my wife about my relation).
My wife now constantly threatens to leave me and i just keep mumbling how sorry...
Physical abuse have now stopped but replaced with more frequent complaints all the time.

[Shiva09]

As for assuring her of my intent to make this marriage work, i do everything known to me for saying and doing things to make her believe that i want to make this marriage work....
I tell her i love her...take her out...go for family outings...and love her in all possible ways....regularly
However, it doesn't seems to be working.
She often keeps repeating that she is in this marriage because of our daughter and that she is now old and cannot restart her life. (She is 38).
She often repeats that she wants to leave me and wants to go back.
She seems to be fine on her own but the moment she sees me she gets the feeling back again.
She will bring up issues out of nowhere and again mostly untrue. She will imagine situations and starts believing them to be true and would seek explanation. When i tell her that these are not true she just wont believe my part and will say that she doesn't trust me.
I don't know how to bring proofs for things that didn't happen on ground. Just a few moments back she called me in my office and started accusing me of knowing the other women way long back then the actual time i knew her. She now accuses my mother and my sister of knowing her much in past. These accusations are untrue but she wont believe me. She wants proof but how can i get these proofs i don't know.
Last Sunday we went out on family outing to a nice place. Another couple joined us but since we were in different vehicles it didn't matter much. While going only started again on the issue. I requested her to try take it out of her for the time being and enjoy the outing but she would start blaming me that i don't want to discuss the issue because i'm trying to protect the other woman. On our way back again she would start the topic, but while on the outing she seemed to enjoy it fully with the other couple.
Her main complaint is that i have made her loose her self respect and that i have destroyed her because she cannot support herself at this age. Secondly, she believes that i'm in it because i'm scared of the legal and social consequences if she complains to authorities. Almost everyday she now demands her ticket to her parents house and says that she cannot live with me...
I can take all that she throws at me and wont say a thing but i really don't know how it is effecting our daughter. I request her not to get upset in front of our daughter but this she would say ' i should have thought about it before and that she should know what kind of man i am'. Our daughter is just 2 yrs 10 months old.
As for my Mother and Sister, she never liked them right from the beginning and and mostly it was a mutual feeling. Their relationship have been extremely strained always so its not new. My folks were extremely critical of what i had done and never in agreement on this. I got them involved so as to pacify the other woman who was threatening me with suicide and telling my wife. I had tried to end this relationship  many a times right after i realised what i have got into and was looking for a peaceful and quiet exit. I requested the other woman so many times and was buying time thinking she would get disgusted with me. My mom and sis has nothing to do with the other woman and they are equally sorry about the whole issue.

[feb23]

Read all the interactions above... a few pointers;
- Get to a good therapist immediately ( both together)
- Your wife needs some medical help for hormonal imbalance( which may be due to stress u caused or thyroid)
- Your wife is overtly physical and is more concerned about the physical relationship that u shared with the other woman... she feels more violated there.. hence u like it or not, you will have to remain physical with her more often than not to keep the marriage
- settle her into some career.. some involvement which can give her self respect back... you have taken it away from her....
- Tell your wife that you will NOT sever your connection with your mom.. and tell her that both have seperate space in your life.. unfortunately, you have not been able to distinguish so far...
- Any infidelity hurts to death... even if you are not sharing a good relationship with your spouse... healing will take longer than you think...
- once you have violated the rules, you've got to pay for it... what were u thinking when you involved your mom and sis in this? were they supportive  towards the other woman? musta been... I do not blame your wife for hating them now....
- For god's sake do not fight in front of your daughter...

[mami1323]

I agree, she needs to start doing things that are going to heal the relationship.  Yes you messed up but she needs to deal with her anger.  I think specialmom is right, she sounds a little unstable.  She treats your mom like she is the other woman and it seems she needs to be #1 in your life and any other woman taking that role is a threat.  Does she act this way when it comes to your daughter to?  Does she want you to be close to your daughter?  I think it's time that you put your foot down.  Tell her you've done everything humanly possible to make things right, that you even are willing to do counseling.  You don't expect her to have a relationship with your mother or sister but that you would like to have one separate of her.  Tell her that you have endured enough verbal and physical abuse and that if she wants to stay with you in this marriage than she has to learn to put the past aside and work on the future of this marriage.  Not to forget it but try her hardest to forgive.  You can have patience but don't need to be beaten every day for it.  If she can't do it, then you need to consider leaving.  

[teko]

Your Mother may need to stay away from your wife, but it is unfair of your wife to expect you to break contact with your mother for her. You only have one mom, and you should never ever break contact or sneak around about your relationship with your mother. Never! Those two relationships are separate.You should talk to and visit your mother and if she and your wife do not get along, that is between them. Otherwise you will build great resentment at yourself and your wife. It needs to stop. Your wife is just going to have to decide what she can and cannot live with and decide accordingly. I think it is time to set some boundaries and if she cannot deal with it, it is her call. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Shiva09]

I got out of the house today early morning for office and had no where to go. Just drove around till office time...
My wife slept early last night and i, with my daughter, ensured that she is not disturbed.
My wife woke up early and started her blame game again, she started shouting and repeating the same things that i'm hearing for last 5 months. She wants answers to the questions that i have replied by now over a thousand times. It then crosses over to blaming my folks and and the threat of leaving me.
I try to explain that i know i have wronged you and deeply ashamed and sorry about it but that is past now. I cannot change the past but can only promise about the future.
Recently I made two investments in my daughters and my wife's name. I had invested in a house which i will give it to my wife either she stays with me or not. But even then she blames that its too late....
She says that she will not be able to start her life and cannot find work this late in life and i'm to blame for it. (She is a graduate in Fashion Designing from a reputed institution and used run her own Boutique, she stopped her business after our marriage. It was her choice to do so. I tried to persuade her to take up a job but she never did, i tried to persuade her to start a hobby, in fact she a good artist and can sketch very well. She buys many sets of paints and brushes and all the paraphernalia but never got down to using them.)
I assure her of financial support all throughout her life but that also is not working. I try to tell her its her she who is ruining the prospects of our happiness but to this her standard reply is that i should have thought about it before. In fact this is the reply i get for anything i say to her.
Back home my mother stays all alone and she is also facing problems at the house and i cannot do anything about it. I dont discuss anything about my folks with my wife and used to delete the call details, but to this also she gets upset. She saw my calls today morning (she always checks my phone and laptop whenever i'm with her) and asked about my calls to my mother. When i told her about the problem at home she again used it as a weapon against me.....
My wife, my mother and my job.....My greatest challenge in life is to preserve sanity and stay alive....and its only for my daughter

[teko]

Ya know, you were wrong, you admitted it, your folks were wrong (they should admit it and apologize as well), but it sounds like a long history of bad feelings there. She has a right to be hurt this is true, but it sounds like she is using every single little thing to exercise control and to continue to be a victim. You need to take back some of the control over your own life at some point as obviously she is more interested in punishing you than working on the marriage. I still believe only a few women are strong enuff to survive their spouse having an affair. What you are describing is the path leading to not making it in your marriage. I am not sure she is capable of anything other than blame at this point, it has worked for her in helping her get her way and loads of attention. At some point you just got to smell the roses and move on. The ball is in her court and it is time you let her know that. I mean, I am almost beginning to understand how the affair happened as wrong as it was. Who could live like this for very long without killing each other? With her mood swings I would watch my back my friend.

[specialmom]

I really admire you for making this work and still hope deep down that it does.  But what worries me is your wife seems to not feel she has any responsibility in this.  She needs to also try to make changes to get the relationship back on track.  I'm worried that she is depressed or more with regards to her mental state and things can't get better until that is addressed.  She seems so unwilling to seek any help or ownership of what SHE does to derail this relationship that I feel the chances of success with that are not high.  And because you did wrong and have guilt over it, you are not able to tell her forcefully or with any credibility that she MUST address her own problems in order for this relationship to work out.  You are in a difficult situation.  I think that it was good that you were trying to bring romance/connection back and you had some good moments with that.  I'd continue that and try to make it to a couples therapist.  I'd bring up in therapy that she is unwilling to move on and repair the relationship, that she verbally and physically attempts to abuse you, etc.  She'll want to attack you for that-------  but she needs help with it.  I'd also start to think about worst case scenario.  And before that happens (as in you have to leave her)---------  I'd lay it on the line.  SHE needs to address her chemical imbalance, she needs to get involved with some sort of anger management program, and you will give her a chance to fix HERSELF or you will have to leave.  Just my thoughts on it----------  but if she does not address the above two issues----------  this relationship will end.  For your own sake, it would have to.  And quite frankly, I'm worried about your daughter in the environment with such a volatile mother.  good luck

[Shiva09]

I think i'm loosing it, cant understand this situation.
I don't feel like going home after work. Only thing that draws me back is my daughter. I am slowly feeling the indifference towards her, constant bickering now is getting into my nerve. Constant snooping, sniffing for any evidence against me, every bit of stuff in the house is looked into with suspicion whether it belongs to the other woman or not. Making up imaginary stories in the mind and starts believing them and interrogating me on them. It seems so damn suffocating.....

[specialmom]

I really think that you are going to have to lay it on the line for her.  She needs to take recovery of this relationship seriously.  She must embrace moving on.  She can be angry but she can not ruminate over things and pick fights to the point of physical altercations.  She just can't.  And she needs to know this.  She needs to address her difficulty in handling her anger and find appropriate ways of dealing with it.  I'd really love it if she addressed her mental state.  I don't mean that in a condescending way but she appears to be suffering from a chemical imbalance and that will cloud all else until it is dealt with.  I hope this works out as you would like it so.  But she will need to want it to work out as well.  

[Shiva09]

No Specialmom, i'm really not concerned with these, I have told her that she can do whatever she wants to do and in fact she did go to my superiors but they advised to sort it out ourself only. My wife has very frequent mood swings, she will be happy now and moment later she will think of some past event and get upset and start her things over...
Whenever i have tried to tell her this she then complains that i dont love her and thats why i'm complaining. No amount pf talking has helped till date.
I'm in this relation and want it to work because..
1. I have really done something very wrong...
2. We have a daughter now and want to give her a good upbringing.
3. I'm really not sure what love is at this moment and cannot truely answer my love for my wife...I want to be with her but when she is upset it doen't seems to work...Thats why i asked about the sexual part.

[specialmom]

Here is something I am not understanding----------  your wife seems to threaten you a lot.  She'll go to your superiors, take you and your parents to court, etc.  Are these real concerns of yours?  Is this why you stay?  What if you told her to go ahead and you don't care.  Then maybe she will work on the relationship for real rather than "lording" something over you.