Stay at home mom and the duties of the husband

I am a stay at home mom with 2 small children. My husband has been working days and night shifts, but now will have a stable day shift of 7am to 7pm monday thru friday.  What should I expect him to do around the house and with the kids after work and the weekends.  Now, he watches tv and sleeps.  I am overwhelmed with housework, house maintance, laundry, errands are getting backed up because he takes the vehicle to work, and of course the most important thing-taking care of our kids and paying them as much attention as possible.  He doesn't consider what I do as work, so when he's home he says he needs to relax.  WHen is my relax time?  ANd plus alot of things would get done if he would help me.

[mami1323]

I just had this discussion in our couples counseling session.  Honestly, it is a sign of immaturity on the man's part to just sit down and relax while he has the responsibility of the children as well.  Here's how to handle it.  Let him come in the house, take off his clothes, grab a shower and bite to eat, give him about an hour.  Then go up to him calmly and say, honey, I know you are tired but I really need your help with the kids.  Why don't you give (child's name) a bath while I take care of the dishes.  That would really help me out a lot and then we can both get the kids to sleep and relax and watch tv together.  See if that works.  I was so used to going in on attack mode and my fiance would shut down and call me a nag.  We are learning how to communicate effectively.  So try it.

[RockRose]

I agree with Mami's advice,  and also it sounds like you need a car.

Can you drive your husband to work so you can get out?

Are you stuck in the house all day every day?  That would drive me insane and make me feel overwhelmed too.

I will say,  moms don't get to relax until the kids are in school during the day.  Then,  you'll have so much time you won't know what to do with yourself.  

Best wishes.  All of us who have been there,  know this is exhausting if it's done right,  and it sounds like you're doing it right.

[BabyHardiman]

I have to respectfully agree with teko.  If you do not go outside of the home to work, then this is your "job".  7 to 7 is an awful long day, especially if he is on his feet all day.  

I would also take mami's advice, the way she worded her approach sounds very respectful.  

[brooklyn_gal]

I also agree with teko & mami.

Your husband should help you when he's home until you both can sit down and relax for the evening.  Give him a choice between the tasks.  

If that doesn't work, I would have your husband to watch the kids for a  weekend and go away.  

If he still doesn't appreciate what you do after that, I would get a full time job, put your kids in day care (unless he wants to be the stay home dad), & hire a house keeper.  

[Jlfg]

Thank you for the advice.  I totally agree that after work that he needs his time to relax.  But on the weekend in needs to help out, right?  Yes the house and kids are my "job", but if he has sat and sun off, then when are my days off of my "job"  What about all the maintance on the house.  I don't know how to caulk all the windows and doors for the winter or seal the tile on the bathroom floor or check the elect water heater setting or fix the door jam , ect, ect ect.   I am very ok with the housework, laundry, etc but if the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty then intstead of putting them in there he justs puts them in the sink, or he leaves his hats or socks in leaving room for me to put in clothes basket-im not a maid, im a wife and mother. AND, if he trips over a toy on the floor he justs leaves it there instead of picking it up!  Wow, im on a roll now with complaining-sorry.  I'm just so upset with feeling like a maid and not a partner in a marriage.  Oh and the car thing-you guys arent going to believe this!!! Yes, I have been stuck inside for 3 yrs except for the occastional trip to the store with the kids when he gets home, or every blue moon I can go to the store myself for free time.  AND, we have 3 vehicles!!!!!! One doesnt work and he wont fix, one just needed an inspection sticker(louisisiana law) that he kept putting off for a year. So, sometimes i think he purposely did not give me a way to get out of the house.  But guess what i did today--I got the car inspected.  He came home early and a ran out the door without asking and got it done.  so, let's see if he takes the car to work tomorrow and leaves me with the suv and carseats.  

[RockRose]

Jifg,  I think you'll feel much better now that you have a car to drive.  If he doesn't leave you the right car or carseats or whatever,  do that yourself.  I'm kind of surprised you let a perfectly good car sit there unused because you didn't think you could get it inspected yourself.  

Girl,  get out there,  change out the car seats,  and be on your way to errands and FUN stuff for you and the kids.  You'll feel much better.

[mami1323]

That's what you do, do it on your own if he won't.  Unfortunately, a lot of men feel the way yours does when it comes to the man being the bread winner and the woman being the sahm.  I have two friends that are sahm's that deal with this on a daily basis.  One of my friends felt underappreciated to she went on strike.  She got a hotel room for the weekend, cut out on her husband and left him with their son.  He got it after that but whenever he starts to slip into a little regression she stops cooking him breakfast and preparing his lunch and doing his laundry.  Just so he gets a little taste of how much she truly does do.

[Jlfg]

About the comment of why I didn't do the car inspection myself all this time.  Well, I haven't done alot of stuff myself in a long time.  After 3 yrs of no car (we just got the suv,and the truck has been broke for 3 yrs), I have gotten afraid to go out by myself or especially go out by myself with my babies.  You try to be isolated for 3 yrs, you lose your scense  of what is normal and not normal, and your comfort zone is your house and stepping out of that zone is so scarry.  It's hard to explain.  But at least I've reached a point now that a recognize that I havent been living a normal life-going to parks with the kids, the grocery store, etc by myself.  And with the fear of going out, I'm also battling severe daytime fatigue, so the thought of getting everyone ready, into the suv, to a store, out of the suv, into the store, etc, etc, feels like I'm taking a roadtrip cross country.  I don't know why the little things seem hard for me, but I'm try to get over it.  I'm using the resources I have-this site, my docs.  I don't have any family here and his family is not involved in the kids except for holidays and special occasions, but not daily.  So, I'm here to figure out myself and motherhood by myself.  I hope I'm making sense, and I hope I'm not coming across as rude or "poor me", it's hard to express yourself with just words and you are not hearing my tone or seeing my body language.  tormorrow I finally have the suv, and I'm excited but also scared to death.  We have a park down the road, I'm a going to take them or not?  I don't know.  I want to, but just thinking about it makes my heart race.  Now don't think we keep the kids inside all the time.  On his days off we go to the park, zoo, road trips to visit family, etc.  When he's not home, we play in backyard on swing and slide.  I just need to work on going places myself and taking both babies places myself.  I think I've conquered taking them to walmart.  so if i can handle walmart, i should be able to handle anything.:)  Anyways, enough rambling.  All update y'all later.

[treazzure007]

make your days 7 to 7 as well.  with children, good parents will never have an actual off day.  we're stuck caring for and worrying about them for at least 18 yrs each.  my son's 7, and other than the few weekends my mom has been loving enough to care for him, those are the only true days off i'v had in his lifetime.

don't allow the kids to take long naps (if they are napping age)  keep them very busy, strolling, playing in the yard, whatever.  allow dad to kiss them and talk to them a bit and put the children to bed EARLY in the evening.  i have to make myself "off" time and this is the way i'v been doing it all year.  during the weekends, hubby and i both take care of them and they still go to bed early so we can enjoy some type of date night, relaxing, or outing.  Good luck :)

[goodeys]

I am so with you on this one. I used to be the bigger earner in my house and I still used to do most of the housework even though i worked 14 hour days but he would hoover every now and again and cook meals occasionally. Now that I am at home with the baby he does sod all!!! I too know that this is my job but when he replies he's been working all day I point out that my day starts as soon as the baby wakes up and doesn't really end until we have had dinner at about 09:30pm.

Our working day is a lot harder than theirs, the pay is non existent, we don't get to 'go home' and shut off until the next working day, we do not get days off, we cannot call in sick, we don't get to have idle chit chat with our colleagues, we get no Christmas parties, no bonuses, no after work drinks, no annual leave and to top it all off we don't get any bloody thanks for it either!!!

Just wanted to let you know that you are far from alone on this one!

[mami1323]

You said your docs are helping you, does that mean with some meds?  It sounds to me like you have severe anxiety and coupled with a little depression.  If you fear leaving the house because it's just too tiring then that's what it sounds like to me.  Good for you for conquering walmart.  The park sounds like a great idea and it will really fill in the day for you.  A little fresh air goes a long way.  Go to some kids classes at the local Y or Gymboree, make some friends with other sahm's and exchange numbers for playdates.  Develop some relationships on your own so that you don't feel so dependent on your hubby.  But I do think you and him need to sit down and communicate.  Otherwise, you will always feel like a single mother.  Good luck.

[RockRose]

I agree with mami.

I also think you should consider that you aren't filled with anxiety because you've been stuck at home for three years - rather,  maybe you've been stuck at home for three years because you are filled with anxiety.  

Best wishes.  Keep doing this,  keep going through the motions and it will get easier and easier - your children really need to get out in public and socialize and enjoy adventures.

[babygirl6152]

there are at least 3  OTC supplements that WORK wonders as good as Zoloft or Prozac-

SAM-e
L-Tyrosine
St. John's Wort- I like this one least

[SeriousSam]

Silly idea?  On the weekends, paper plates and leftovers, or stuff that can be cooked on the grill.  And trust me EVERYTHING can be cooked on the grill

[Jlfg]

Thank you for all the comments.  I'll keep you guys posted.  Guess what , Husband still didn't take car to work today, he took suv again!!!! But, I failed to put carseats in car.  I hate the carseats in the car.  Its a tiny tiny two door.  Anyways, needless to say, we did not go to the park today.  I'm telling you, I think he keeps me "stranded"  on purpose.  But in reality, would I really have gone somewhere today like I wanted to?  
Yes---paper plates sound great.  Going to get a Huge pack at Sams Club.  
Just to brag on my 3 yr old a little (I'm so proud)  She's began to make up her own rhyming words,like cat and bat, ball and call.  We've been working on that, on now she's got it.  :)  

[carolina30]

I've been a stay-at-home mom for 9 years.  My husband works 60 hours a week.  I took classes during what little time he had off--will have my master's next semester.
I do all the chores.  I only make him walk the dogs when he is home.  Your husband works all the time, and you do too.  It is life.  We press on.

[brainpain]

i know how you feel. i have been a stay at home mom for 13yrs . i have felt like a maid rather than a wife and mother. my husband does the same thing. he get off work at 3:00 and comes home and eats a snack and hits the couch. i have to do everything myself to. i have all the house cleaning ,laundry ,meals and keep the kids quiet. i have to deal with everything. he acts like i dont do anything and his time off work is my time to make sure he gets some rest, but i dont have a day off or get to have sick days .i dont get upset that he dont help around the house but the kids are his responsability to. i dident have them by myself and he needs to do his part, im a stay at home mom but that dosent mean he dont have to be a dad.

[brooklyn_gal]

Carolina30 & brainpain,

I don't understand what your point is... Are you saying that Jlfg "chose" to be a stay home mom and now needs to live with it? And make the best of it?

I have no problems with stay home moms.. I have friends who are stay home and love it.. but the husbands help when they come home and on weekends. The husbands also would not trade their position with their wives b/c they know they couldn't handle being a stay home parent.

The stay home spouse needs to appreciate the partner who brings home the income, but on the other hand the partner who makes the income needs to appreciate their respective spouse/partner for doing a great job raising the kids and keeping home.    Otherwise, you're just a doormat.

[carolina30]

brooklyn_gal,

I'm not a doormat, and my family is very healthy.

The poster needs to use her car and find ways to socialize--ways that she can socialize with other parents so she can have some free time.

Take Care,

Carolina
PS I had one car for 4 years of my 10 year marriage.  It was tough, but we got along just fine.

[Jlfg]

Thanx for all the comments.  I agree with some and disagree with others.  But all are making me think and make different decisions.  Yes I do need to find ways of socializing.  I just don't have any avenues right now to find ways.  A tiny town and low income not much resources except park.  ANd other free or low income places to go are in bad part of town and are around dangerous or unhealthy examples.  I know, I know, it seems like a have an excuse for all solutions, I'm just saying how i see things or what i feel.  ANd as far as making friends for my self and not just play-date friends, their definitly is no avenue for that.  
ANd the car thing. We don't have just one vehicle that's  my point.  It makes me soo mad that it seems my husband purposely puts us in the situation where we can drive the other two for various reasons.  
And I feel hope too when I hear that others have been a stay at home mom with one car and husband working 60 hours a week and make it just fine, but some things are just harder for some people than others.  Like for me, geometry is hard, but a mathmatician finds it easy and doesnt see why i find it hard.  It also depends on how active a role the husband plays.  Sitting on the couch all the time even on days off and holidays is not active.  And when he's home, thats more dishes for me to clean, more clothes to pick up, etc... All i'm asking as far as chores is he needs to pick up after himself and if I'm feeding one baby and the other is screaming my name to get off the couch and go see what she needs.  And he needs to do the maintance around the house.  I'm not about to do pull apart door jams or caulk windows with my babies right there needing my attention, he needs to do that while im doing the other stuff.  

[RockRose]

Jifg,  try to reach out.  You don't say where you are in Louisiana,  but it's still warm there.  You can go to the park,  the library for story hour,  etc.

Even if you have the two door car where you have to reach back to the back seat to put your kids in.  Even if you have to do that,  really.

Don't switch back to who picks up socks off the floor when your husband is home.  Really,  this is so little in your life!!!

Grab this precious time with your girls and get out and go places.   Once they start school you won't have this time anymore.  

The time I had with my preschoolers,  dashing here and there,  was the best time of my life.  What a true joy.  You're missing out on that joyous time because you have a two door car and a husband who doesn't pick up after himself.

Sorry to sound harsh.  You will be VERY VERY sad when you're an old lady that you made excuses not to enjoy this part of your life.  

[brainpain]

no im not saying jifg chose to stay at home nor she should deal with it. i was giving my experance of  how my husband does the same. im not a doormat. i think that just because he has a job doesnt mean he shouldent take on the role as a father .it is a big job to stay at home and take care of the house and kids, but we get no paycheck.

[BabyHardiman]

I feel pathetic myself.  Some days I feel like getting out and others I just can not motivate myself AT ALL, yet I complain about being "stuck" at home.  I find every little excuse I can to get out, then when it comes time I find every little excuse I can to stay home.  I truly lack motivation!

[mami1323]

Men who just sit back and let their wives do all the work are immature.  They need to be responsible for their children as well.  Just because they work does not give them the right to let the wife or mother of the children do everything.  It's not a fair situation and these are his kids to.  But a lot of men don't see it this way.  Like I said before, my friend bailed out on a weekend and let her husband take care of their son.  She went on strike and her husband found a new level of respect for her.  It may sound childish but it got her point out loud and clear.  Just a suggestion.

[AnxiousGurl]

I cant say I know how you feel because Im not a stay at home mom. However you could say I live with my bf who is a SLOB. I admittingly say that. And at the same thing I admit I can be messy and lazy. The apartment got pretty bad at one point and my "mother in law" came over of course when it was quite messy,she helped me clean, but it was soooooo  embarrassing. because it really reflects on the woman-sad to say because it should be 50/50 whether or not you work your kids are still your job. But since then let me tell you.....I dont see it as a big deal, I find mysself cleaning after him all the time and although its tiring its what you need to do to keep the place clean and tidy....if you do it all the time it wont be so bad because there wont be much to clean up if you keep on it. Its just like a job as your husband does, but make it a point to let him know where he stands and what he needs to do around the house to help you out. Two heads are better than one and as Mami said, let him come home relax a bit then make sure he helps to get the kids to bed and such so you two have some relaxation time. & Get out there, do what you need to do around the house first then go to the park with the kids and when you come back you can enjoy time with the kids cause all the housework will be done.
Best of luck

[SeriousSam]

Just a thought.

Ask your husband to take the car so you guys can save money.

Most areas have homeschool groups, get in touch with them, network.

How old is your oldest?