Aa
Stepdaughter
My husband was a widower. He left the family home for work in a different city and his daughter (24) and son (21) stayed in the family home. The daughter has definitely got some mental problems and calls her Dad every day for approx an hour. They meet up every 3 months or so and she refers to him as Daddy and tells him very intimate details which I find unnecessary. She has no friends and seems unable to sustain any relationship although has a lot of sexual partners. She has gone out a couple of times because of her dad's enouragement and then phones to see if he is proud of her. I now found out that they have booked a holiday to Florida together for 9 days and I have gone ballistic. I feel that it was done secretly, sneakily even, although my husband says this is because he didn't know how to tell me. I think she has done it to come between us, he says she has no friends to go with. Holidays are important to me so I know I have an element of jealousy but I just can't tell how much is due to my jealousy and how much I am right to be angry.
"It is very interesting to me that you picked out maybe two sentences within all of these posts that basically say the exact same thing to justify how you are feeling. Venting can help but it often doesn't solve anything."
^^^ SM beat me to it, I was thinking the same thing when I read your reply, and how you only acknowledged the posts that kind of solidified and justified your feelings and behavior, and did not even acknowledge the ones that were probably not easy to read. Remember that none of this is personal, we don't know you, we're just giving you honest input from a 3rd party perspective.
It's not easy to hear people's honest opinions of a situation, and it can make you feel defensive and vulnerable. I think that despite what you WANT to think, and WANT to do, you know that there's really a LOT of truth behind what everyone has told you. I just think you're struggling, because you're wanting to hold onto certain aspects of this situation where you want to be "right". Dr. Phil has a great saying I love that he uses on his show all of the time.....it's "do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?" There's SO much truth and power to that statement!
Nighthawk made a lot of good points, blending a family is difficult to begin with, everyone has to adjust to their new role in a preexisting family and preexisting relationships. I think FEELING a bit jealous is also probably very normal, but it's what you DO with those feelings and how you act going forward that will make a difference. I think that's the part you've struggled with the most. You are insightful enough to know that the jealousy aspect exists, you said it yourself in your initial post. So, that's a good thing actually. I think you're just getting stuck on what to do from there, and I think you're having a rough time separating exactly WHAT and how MUCH of the tension and stress in this situation is a result of the jealousy versus it just being a dysfunctional relationship at the moment.
Relationships are two-way streets. It's JUST as important (if not more so) to identify, acknowledge and work on your OWN issues within a relationship as it is to be aware of others' issues in the relationship. You can only work on YOU, you cannot change or "fix" others, but what CAN happen is that some of their behavior and reactions to you will change as YOU change.
I also don't condone your husband not telling you about the vacation, but I truly think a lot of his secrecy has to do with your admitted poor reactions in the past when it came to his daughter, and you essentially DID react in the way he was probably fearful of. I don't think you can say (yet at this point) that if he would have been 100% honest and told you while they were planning it that your reaction would have been so much better. I think you would have reacted badly either way. So, that's important for you to acknowledge, and you DO acknowledge your role in this, to an extent (and begrudgingly).
I agree that seeing a therapist to work through your emotions and feelings about this situation is a great idea. I also would encourage you to do like SM recommended, and try to find some empathy for the situation. TRY very hard to reverse the roles, and imagine if it were one of YOUR daughters who was vulnerable and needy. You wouldn't want to be made to feel like there was a competition for your affection between your child and your husband I'm sure, right?
It's very difficult to take a good honest look at ourselves, but until we do, nothing will change. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that YOU are the one who shoulders ALL of the responsibility for how this has turned out, because I don't believe that to be true. I'm sure that you're right that his daughter may manipulate her Dad a bit, and I think your husband could have maybe tried a little harder to sit down and have a conversation with you about all of this.
One thing I'm a bit confused about is this statement of yours:
"My ex husband was a terrible man and very deceitful and it's hard to go back to the same place."
What do you mean going back to the same place? Are you saying that your new husband is the same way? If so, then you've got much bigger fish to fry I'm afraid than the stepdaughter situation.
I really hope you're able to swallow your pride a little (not an easy thing to do for sure) and really work on the aspects of this situation that YOU can control and improve. Hopefully, after you've done that, things will be much more tolerable for all involved, and who knows, you may end up having a nice relationship with his daughter that you never expected.
Understand that all of our replies are meant to be helpful to you. It's not always easy to hear the harsh truth, but it's necessary, and like I said, please don't take the advice personally. We would all be thrilled to see all of you work through this and end up with a much happier, well rounded relationship with each other.
I wish you well.
^^^ SM beat me to it, I was thinking the same thing when I read your reply, and how you only acknowledged the posts that kind of solidified and justified your feelings and behavior, and did not even acknowledge the ones that were probably not easy to read. Remember that none of this is personal, we don't know you, we're just giving you honest input from a 3rd party perspective.
It's not easy to hear people's honest opinions of a situation, and it can make you feel defensive and vulnerable. I think that despite what you WANT to think, and WANT to do, you know that there's really a LOT of truth behind what everyone has told you. I just think you're struggling, because you're wanting to hold onto certain aspects of this situation where you want to be "right". Dr. Phil has a great saying I love that he uses on his show all of the time.....it's "do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?" There's SO much truth and power to that statement!
Nighthawk made a lot of good points, blending a family is difficult to begin with, everyone has to adjust to their new role in a preexisting family and preexisting relationships. I think FEELING a bit jealous is also probably very normal, but it's what you DO with those feelings and how you act going forward that will make a difference. I think that's the part you've struggled with the most. You are insightful enough to know that the jealousy aspect exists, you said it yourself in your initial post. So, that's a good thing actually. I think you're just getting stuck on what to do from there, and I think you're having a rough time separating exactly WHAT and how MUCH of the tension and stress in this situation is a result of the jealousy versus it just being a dysfunctional relationship at the moment.
Relationships are two-way streets. It's JUST as important (if not more so) to identify, acknowledge and work on your OWN issues within a relationship as it is to be aware of others' issues in the relationship. You can only work on YOU, you cannot change or "fix" others, but what CAN happen is that some of their behavior and reactions to you will change as YOU change.
I also don't condone your husband not telling you about the vacation, but I truly think a lot of his secrecy has to do with your admitted poor reactions in the past when it came to his daughter, and you essentially DID react in the way he was probably fearful of. I don't think you can say (yet at this point) that if he would have been 100% honest and told you while they were planning it that your reaction would have been so much better. I think you would have reacted badly either way. So, that's important for you to acknowledge, and you DO acknowledge your role in this, to an extent (and begrudgingly).
I agree that seeing a therapist to work through your emotions and feelings about this situation is a great idea. I also would encourage you to do like SM recommended, and try to find some empathy for the situation. TRY very hard to reverse the roles, and imagine if it were one of YOUR daughters who was vulnerable and needy. You wouldn't want to be made to feel like there was a competition for your affection between your child and your husband I'm sure, right?
It's very difficult to take a good honest look at ourselves, but until we do, nothing will change. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that YOU are the one who shoulders ALL of the responsibility for how this has turned out, because I don't believe that to be true. I'm sure that you're right that his daughter may manipulate her Dad a bit, and I think your husband could have maybe tried a little harder to sit down and have a conversation with you about all of this.
One thing I'm a bit confused about is this statement of yours:
"My ex husband was a terrible man and very deceitful and it's hard to go back to the same place."
What do you mean going back to the same place? Are you saying that your new husband is the same way? If so, then you've got much bigger fish to fry I'm afraid than the stepdaughter situation.
I really hope you're able to swallow your pride a little (not an easy thing to do for sure) and really work on the aspects of this situation that YOU can control and improve. Hopefully, after you've done that, things will be much more tolerable for all involved, and who knows, you may end up having a nice relationship with his daughter that you never expected.
Understand that all of our replies are meant to be helpful to you. It's not always easy to hear the harsh truth, but it's necessary, and like I said, please don't take the advice personally. We would all be thrilled to see all of you work through this and end up with a much happier, well rounded relationship with each other.
I wish you well.
COMMUNITY LEADER
How close are you with your own daughters? My mom took me on vacation the year before she died. It was wonderful and I have sentimental memories from that trip. My point being, if she were dating a man that resented me and our closeness, that would be so hard. Would you appreciate someone who resented you and your daughters relationship? I had lunch with my mom, I went to her house and we talked every day. Loved her so very much and miss her every day. THAT was a wonderful parent/child (even though I was an adult) relationship and that is what your boyfriend has with his daughter.
The trip may annoy you and his not discussing it is a break down in communication. But I would really consider this relationship to be part of who your boyfriend is and if you are okay with it and won't try to interfere, carry on and if you aren't, then move on to someone that won't cause you this stress.
It is very interesting to me that you picked out maybe two sentences within all of these posts that basically say the exact same thing to justify how you are feeling. Venting can help but it often doesn't solve anything. good luck
The trip may annoy you and his not discussing it is a break down in communication. But I would really consider this relationship to be part of who your boyfriend is and if you are okay with it and won't try to interfere, carry on and if you aren't, then move on to someone that won't cause you this stress.
It is very interesting to me that you picked out maybe two sentences within all of these posts that basically say the exact same thing to justify how you are feeling. Venting can help but it often doesn't solve anything. good luck
Thank you for your comment which I do appreciate. I know I am acting jealous and childish but I think with some justification. Your comments were much closer to the way I feel about it all. Thanks for the time and effort you took to reply.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond. You sound like a wonderful person and one I would aspire to be like. I am aware of my own failings - sadly very aware. I have daughters of my own and I do feel for this girl and her sad, solitary life and I want her to be happy and move onward. I have had a more rational talk with my husband now and told him that all this could have been dealt with better had he spoken to me about his plans and not gone behind my back. My ex husband was a terrible man and very deceitful and it's hard to go back to the same place. Also, we don't have much money and I doubt will be able to have a holiday together now as he has used his time and money on the Florida trip. I know this makes me sound childish and immature but I would have liked to have holidayed this year. So there, I have justified myself a bit maybe. God Bless you Liz and thank you.
It's VERY important that you really talk it out with others before you reach out to this young lady if you choose to do so. There's no room for error when you're dealing with an emotionally fragile young person. Whether a person is 2 or 25 , they need to hear a loving understanding consistently reliable communication from a person entering their lives.
I think that it's unfortunate that your husband did not discuss a trip with his daughter. Had he, you could have come up with a plan maybe that he spend 1/2 of his vacation time with his daughter, and 1/2 with you. I agree that it would be hard for them to go trippin' if it was not possible for you and him to also have a vacation together as well.
I wish that you could try talking to a therapist about how to make things different for yourself going forward. You're adult and open minded enough to recognize that it could be you who is unduly jealous. That's a wonderful place to start. This little girl would benefit from being able to consider you as Step MOM, and you would also benefit if you were to learn how to open yourself up to your Step DAUGHTER. You've both already got the name, now you gotta get some game.
Thank God that your husband is there for your daughter (step/biological). It is so important that they talk everyday. She needs that constant support from her family. Remember, you and he have each other. She is alone. The purpose of parenting is to teach our children to fly away to their own lives, and I bet your husband is trying his best to help her gain the self confidence to open herself up to life and finding her own friends and partnerships. You also are needed in this quest, and your husband needs you to be part of that. AND you CAN talk to someone and learn how to let the past be the past and move onward and upward!!! I think if you work on the relationship (and how hard will that be when you're not living in the same town, and visits are every three months)? Maybe you could work on visits happening more often? Maybe you and your husband could go and make an impromptu visit of your own? Maybe you could learn to be a family and it won't be necessary for anyone to feel that you cannot all vacation together.
PLEASE try to work on thinking of this poor soul as your daughter? Try to help her see your beauty, and your goodness. Allow her to see that you are safe enough for her to have feelings for. And that it is safe for her to see you as Mom (albeit Step) and Grand Mom to her future children.
This is the beginning of something that you can be proud of , if you choose to. And I have very high hopes for you because you reached out and mentioned the word jealousy. Right now I think you're going through the same stages as most blended families. In the beginning, people make strange, but if you make a plan to reach out and connect, and you give yourselves time to let the magic happen IT WILL.
I asked my 25 year old step daughter to and her monster dog to move in with myself and my husband because the last word is, she IS MY DAUGHTER TOO. Both were thrilled. This poor girl woke up to her mother's death at home when she was 19, and her grand mother in the same weekend. She has been agoraphobic ever since. No college, no friends. It's very sad. Poor dear. I reach out to her. I knit her a blanket, made a vest for her dog. Whereas before, she was unable to open up to anyone outside the family, within 3 months we now have enjoyed conversations together (about her likes, dreams etc.) and have gotten her to contact a community college and arrange for admittance in September. Before I reached out to her, none of this was taking place. It feels great to know that I helped my husband and somehow made it through all the defenses of this beautiful child of God.
I'd love to talk to you about this, if you'd like. God Bless. Liz
I wish that you could try talking to a therapist about how to make things different for yourself going forward. You're adult and open minded enough to recognize that it could be you who is unduly jealous. That's a wonderful place to start. This little girl would benefit from being able to consider you as Step MOM, and you would also benefit if you were to learn how to open yourself up to your Step DAUGHTER. You've both already got the name, now you gotta get some game.
Thank God that your husband is there for your daughter (step/biological). It is so important that they talk everyday. She needs that constant support from her family. Remember, you and he have each other. She is alone. The purpose of parenting is to teach our children to fly away to their own lives, and I bet your husband is trying his best to help her gain the self confidence to open herself up to life and finding her own friends and partnerships. You also are needed in this quest, and your husband needs you to be part of that. AND you CAN talk to someone and learn how to let the past be the past and move onward and upward!!! I think if you work on the relationship (and how hard will that be when you're not living in the same town, and visits are every three months)? Maybe you could work on visits happening more often? Maybe you and your husband could go and make an impromptu visit of your own? Maybe you could learn to be a family and it won't be necessary for anyone to feel that you cannot all vacation together.
PLEASE try to work on thinking of this poor soul as your daughter? Try to help her see your beauty, and your goodness. Allow her to see that you are safe enough for her to have feelings for. And that it is safe for her to see you as Mom (albeit Step) and Grand Mom to her future children.
This is the beginning of something that you can be proud of , if you choose to. And I have very high hopes for you because you reached out and mentioned the word jealousy. Right now I think you're going through the same stages as most blended families. In the beginning, people make strange, but if you make a plan to reach out and connect, and you give yourselves time to let the magic happen IT WILL.
I asked my 25 year old step daughter to and her monster dog to move in with myself and my husband because the last word is, she IS MY DAUGHTER TOO. Both were thrilled. This poor girl woke up to her mother's death at home when she was 19, and her grand mother in the same weekend. She has been agoraphobic ever since. No college, no friends. It's very sad. Poor dear. I reach out to her. I knit her a blanket, made a vest for her dog. Whereas before, she was unable to open up to anyone outside the family, within 3 months we now have enjoyed conversations together (about her likes, dreams etc.) and have gotten her to contact a community college and arrange for admittance in September. Before I reached out to her, none of this was taking place. It feels great to know that I helped my husband and somehow made it through all the defenses of this beautiful child of God.
I'd love to talk to you about this, if you'd like. God Bless. Liz
It's cool he has a relationship with his daughter but he needs to figure out whether or not he wants a relationship with another women besides his daughter. I find it weird How they scheduled that 9 day trip behind your back...weird. I feel that if she doesn't back off and get her own life and if he doesn't show you the respect as a spouse deserves he may lose a good thing and continue to have the same problems for the rest of his life.
I too think You sound jealous of Your StepDaughter.
One of the early things You pointed out is that She calls Him Daddy. I was 51 years old when my Father died and I still called Him Daddy. I see/saw it as an affectionate, endearing term for my Father, as a 'Father Daughter' priveledge, and I still think of Him as "Daddy". It's strange to me that would be one of Your up front objections.
Next You use the term "ballistic" to describe YourSelf in regards to the holiday They have booked. It's my guess that Your Husband already knew what Your reaction would be, hence He had difficulty telling You.
You say You think She has "done it" to come between You and Your Husband. Why do You think Your Husband "did it"?
I agree You must fix Your own feeling and attitude here. She's His Daughter and probably does have "special" needs having lost Her Mother as a Child. I would think the surviving Parent would feel like trying to go an extra distance for His/Her Children when this happens.
She's His DAUGHTER, You are His WIFE - there is no need for jealousy - You Both cannot replace the other - You have Your own 'special place' in His Heart and She has Hers.
GoodLuck
One of the early things You pointed out is that She calls Him Daddy. I was 51 years old when my Father died and I still called Him Daddy. I see/saw it as an affectionate, endearing term for my Father, as a 'Father Daughter' priveledge, and I still think of Him as "Daddy". It's strange to me that would be one of Your up front objections.
Next You use the term "ballistic" to describe YourSelf in regards to the holiday They have booked. It's my guess that Your Husband already knew what Your reaction would be, hence He had difficulty telling You.
You say You think She has "done it" to come between You and Your Husband. Why do You think Your Husband "did it"?
I agree You must fix Your own feeling and attitude here. She's His Daughter and probably does have "special" needs having lost Her Mother as a Child. I would think the surviving Parent would feel like trying to go an extra distance for His/Her Children when this happens.
She's His DAUGHTER, You are His WIFE - there is no need for jealousy - You Both cannot replace the other - You have Your own 'special place' in His Heart and She has Hers.
GoodLuck
Wow, it seems pretty clear that you are super jealous of her, which seems odd to me cause that's his daughter, not some ex gf or female friend who is being inappropriate. You must have dated this guy before you got married and been aware of his interactions with his kids, especially his daughter, before you even considered marrying him. So, why did you marry him if you hate his daughter so much? Regardless of whether she is an adult, they are still a package deal and when you married him, they became your family too. How about instead of being the stereotypical stepmom who hates her stepkids, you befriend her and be nice? She is, after all, a product of your husband and if you love him then you should love his kids too because they came from him.
Agree with NG.
How long have you two been married?
When did these children lose their mother?
She does sound somewhat needy and apparently has issues as you do too, e.g. "jealousy," HOWEVER, instead of trying to pick out all her flaws and complain about them why not try to help this young woman, i.e. try to be supportive and give her some guidance. Try bounding with her the best way you can.
I am sure this trip was booked without your knowledge because of the reaction your husband was afraid of, e.g. "ballistic." What's wrong with 9 days of father/daughter time in Florida?
"I feel that it was done secretly, sneakily even, although my husband says this is because he didn't know how to tell me."...........I would have to disagree. Sounds like your husband has given you a plausible explaination why he did what he did. There is no "conspiracy" against you here.
"I think she has done it to come between us, he says she has no friends to go with.".............You just said yourself she has no friends and has difficulties making and keeping friends. I am sure this is why she is very close with her father PLUS the fact she lost her mother.
I know this sounds cliché, but put yourself in her shoes......no friends, lost a mother, father is working in another city and you don't see him often and then you have to deal with a less than supportive stepmother who loathes everything about you and she believes you are trying to break up her marriage.
"Holidays are important to me so I know I have an element of jealousy but I just can't tell how much is due to my jealousy and how much I am right to be angry."............This is all jealousy dear and in no way shape or form is there ANY right to be angry here. We teach people HOW to respond to us meaning maybe just maybe if your husband thought you were civil in regards to his daughter he would be more open with you about telling you he would like to spend time with his daughter one-on-one, but he obviously feels he can't do that with you, so you find out about what's going on in some roundabout way. This is the RESULT of your attitude.
Let the child spend whatever time with the ONLY surviving parent she has for heaven's sake and quit making it all about YOU.
How long have you two been married?
When did these children lose their mother?
She does sound somewhat needy and apparently has issues as you do too, e.g. "jealousy," HOWEVER, instead of trying to pick out all her flaws and complain about them why not try to help this young woman, i.e. try to be supportive and give her some guidance. Try bounding with her the best way you can.
I am sure this trip was booked without your knowledge because of the reaction your husband was afraid of, e.g. "ballistic." What's wrong with 9 days of father/daughter time in Florida?
"I feel that it was done secretly, sneakily even, although my husband says this is because he didn't know how to tell me."...........I would have to disagree. Sounds like your husband has given you a plausible explaination why he did what he did. There is no "conspiracy" against you here.
"I think she has done it to come between us, he says she has no friends to go with.".............You just said yourself she has no friends and has difficulties making and keeping friends. I am sure this is why she is very close with her father PLUS the fact she lost her mother.
I know this sounds cliché, but put yourself in her shoes......no friends, lost a mother, father is working in another city and you don't see him often and then you have to deal with a less than supportive stepmother who loathes everything about you and she believes you are trying to break up her marriage.
"Holidays are important to me so I know I have an element of jealousy but I just can't tell how much is due to my jealousy and how much I am right to be angry."............This is all jealousy dear and in no way shape or form is there ANY right to be angry here. We teach people HOW to respond to us meaning maybe just maybe if your husband thought you were civil in regards to his daughter he would be more open with you about telling you he would like to spend time with his daughter one-on-one, but he obviously feels he can't do that with you, so you find out about what's going on in some roundabout way. This is the RESULT of your attitude.
Let the child spend whatever time with the ONLY surviving parent she has for heaven's sake and quit making it all about YOU.
I went to lunch with a girlfriend the other day. She is dating a guy whose son is 18, and the guy and his son are very close (absolutely no question of anything inappropriate, the kid just likes being with his dad and the dad likes the kid) and the son stays with his dad four nights a week, putting a cramp on the kind of time my friend gets to have with her boyfriend. My friend is rolling her eyes and hinting the son should get out of his dad's life. Come on, at 18? Maybe 28, maybe not. The parent and child have known each other a long time and been through a lot, the son has prior claim by love and by law, the dad is obliged to take care of his child, and they are enjoying the fruits of labor that come when one's dependent becomes more grown up. In my book, my friend has totally no right to cop attitude.
You say you went ballistic, that would be a lot of attitude about a child of your partner who is not a lot older than the kid my friend is being self-centered about. It is definitely possible in the U.S. today not to grow up very fast, please be more empathetic to that possibility. If the girl needs her dad, she needs him, even if she is 24! I wish my dad had been interested in hearing much about my life when I was 24, I might have made some better choices.
What I suggest is that if he can book a 9-day vacation, he's probably in the position to afford a 2-week vacation, so, go ahead and book one for you and him. Then you won't feel like she got something you didn't, which seems to be part of the problem, and also you say vacations are important to you in general, so you will get to do something you enjoy with your husband. Pick a place you really like, and be cheerful for heaven's sake. You get a vacation! You will never win if you take an "it's her or me" attitude to a parent about his child, and frankly shouldn't try. When someone becomes a parent, they commit to their child's care, even when the child is grown up. That is what a good person does and freely gives, when he or she produces a dependent. Admire him for it and loosen up.
You say you went ballistic, that would be a lot of attitude about a child of your partner who is not a lot older than the kid my friend is being self-centered about. It is definitely possible in the U.S. today not to grow up very fast, please be more empathetic to that possibility. If the girl needs her dad, she needs him, even if she is 24! I wish my dad had been interested in hearing much about my life when I was 24, I might have made some better choices.
What I suggest is that if he can book a 9-day vacation, he's probably in the position to afford a 2-week vacation, so, go ahead and book one for you and him. Then you won't feel like she got something you didn't, which seems to be part of the problem, and also you say vacations are important to you in general, so you will get to do something you enjoy with your husband. Pick a place you really like, and be cheerful for heaven's sake. You get a vacation! You will never win if you take an "it's her or me" attitude to a parent about his child, and frankly shouldn't try. When someone becomes a parent, they commit to their child's care, even when the child is grown up. That is what a good person does and freely gives, when he or she produces a dependent. Admire him for it and loosen up.
I concur with SM completely.
That being said, it does sound like his daughter is a bit needy and insecure, and it would only make sense that she seeks out her Dad's approval, and a close relationship with him. I agree that their close relationship is a good thing, and like sm said, his relationship with his kids is always going to be a priority, as it should be.
As for the sneaky nature of the trip planning, it is likely due to your husband knowing that you will have a bad reaction (which you did). If anything, YOUR hang ups are causing him to not be as forthcoming.
His kids lost their Mom, which at their young age would have been very hard. If you choose to stay in this relationship, I would encourage you to grow your OWN relationship and bond with his kids, separate from him. That will help BOTH you and his kids not see the other party as "competition", and let's be honest, I'm sure they could use and appreciate a mother figure in their lives.
Jealousy is an ugly emotion and one that's sometimes tough to overcome. You will feel a lot better and will react a lot better to these situations if you can work on that. Best of luck to you.
That being said, it does sound like his daughter is a bit needy and insecure, and it would only make sense that she seeks out her Dad's approval, and a close relationship with him. I agree that their close relationship is a good thing, and like sm said, his relationship with his kids is always going to be a priority, as it should be.
As for the sneaky nature of the trip planning, it is likely due to your husband knowing that you will have a bad reaction (which you did). If anything, YOUR hang ups are causing him to not be as forthcoming.
His kids lost their Mom, which at their young age would have been very hard. If you choose to stay in this relationship, I would encourage you to grow your OWN relationship and bond with his kids, separate from him. That will help BOTH you and his kids not see the other party as "competition", and let's be honest, I'm sure they could use and appreciate a mother figure in their lives.
Jealousy is an ugly emotion and one that's sometimes tough to overcome. You will feel a lot better and will react a lot better to these situations if you can work on that. Best of luck to you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. You really don't say anything that is inappropriate. He's close to his daughter. . . a daughter that has lost her mother. Many women call their dad 'daddy' and are close to them. Talking everyday is really wonderful, seeing each other often is wonderful and feeling close enough to talk about whatever they want to is wonderful. Many would envy that kind of relationship with their parent.
It does bother you because you are jealous most likely.
I don't know if you aren't as close to him as you think that he didn't tell you about the trip. I'm not sure what the purpose of the trip is or if her brother is going or if he just wants to get away and so does she. That you weren't included is something for discussion but not to go ballistic. That will get you nowhere.
But if your main goal is to make them less close, I'd give it up. It's not a worthy cause. Or a noble one.
She and he come as a package. If it is too uncomfortable for you, then this isn't a good man to be with. We have to factor in their lifestyle when deciding if we want to continue dating them and his lifestyle is that he is very close to and spends a lot of time and effort on his adult daughter. I personally wouldn't really want to be in that relationship myself. But they aren't doing anything wrong. good luck
It does bother you because you are jealous most likely.
I don't know if you aren't as close to him as you think that he didn't tell you about the trip. I'm not sure what the purpose of the trip is or if her brother is going or if he just wants to get away and so does she. That you weren't included is something for discussion but not to go ballistic. That will get you nowhere.
But if your main goal is to make them less close, I'd give it up. It's not a worthy cause. Or a noble one.
She and he come as a package. If it is too uncomfortable for you, then this isn't a good man to be with. We have to factor in their lifestyle when deciding if we want to continue dating them and his lifestyle is that he is very close to and spends a lot of time and effort on his adult daughter. I personally wouldn't really want to be in that relationship myself. But they aren't doing anything wrong. good luck
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