Aa
Still confused about my Ex
I am feeling very mixed emotions about my ex boyfriend. We broke up about February this year. I have posted in the past about our difficult relationship when together and then my trying to deal with the pain after we broke up. He is a very complex guy and when I was with him I had trouble understanding him and what he wanted. He would not communicate, never wanted to resolve personal issues, got very angry often, was controlling and I had that walking on egg shells feeling when with him- but he could also be great. But in the end the good side of him was seen less and less. His behaviour often left me confused. I am someone who likes to know where they stand, talk about the problem,and try and resolve it but my style of relating didnt work with him so I was always wondering -how do I deal with this guy?.Since we broke I read a lot, and one book I read was about passive aggressive behaviour and as soon as I read it I thought this is him !! I finally had some answers to why he behaved the way he did. I am still madly in love with him and miss him dreadfully and wish we still could be together. But I am getting on with my life( saw a therapist and went on anti depressants which was very helpful and I continue to do both) I am feeling much more happy overall, getting my confidence and joy back and know that he is not good for me so I am not going to get back with him much as my heart may want it.
I am writing re two issues that are still confusing me about him.
1. He and I have caught up about 4 times in the last 6 months for lunch/ dinner. It was civil, friendly and no heavy relationship stuff was discussed ( which is how I wanted it to be) . Immediately after we broke up we bumped into each other often and he was very mean-he would not say hello, would walk away or see me and turn away- it was horrible. So for him to finally be civil was really good. So things were getting better. The last communication we had he said he is going to USA for 2 weeks vacation, and he offered to buy some clothes for me (something he used to do when we were together). But then all I got when he was in USA was a text basically saying "the jeans were too expensive, and the shops he visited had no good clothes" There was a definite unfriendly " tone" to the text- like he used to send when he was angry. I replied in a friendly way, but that was the last I have heared from him and that was 3 months ago. I left me confused. Why when we were getting on better ( and he offered to shop for me) did he suddenly turn nasty again?
2. My second issue is that I bumped into my ex's best friend "B" last night. B and I always got on really well. I deliberately avoided discussing my ex but B mentioned him. B said that "he has not seen my ex for about 6 months and does not think they are really friends anymore because when my ex got with his current partner X he ignored "B" " I was shocked. My ex got a new partner! The weird thing was I always wondered about this X and I even asked my ex when we were together was anything going on with X -which he denied. But now I find they got together (BUT then have since broke up too) . As we broke up in February and 'B" has not seen my ex for 6 months it seems that my ex got with X soon after we broke up. On one hand I am devastated by this, did he leave me for X but could not be honest and tell me the truth? And how could I be replaced so quickly? did he not care about me at all? on the other hand its a relief that my worry over X was justified, and then on the other hand I also feel happy about it- that its a further reason we should not be together and its one more step towards closure and moving on.
My ex has also fallen out with another of his really good friends too which is also confusing- what is going on in his head to make him fall out with his friends too?).
Does anyone have any explanation as to why my ex did what he did and is doing what he is doing. I am still confused by him.
I am writing re two issues that are still confusing me about him.
1. He and I have caught up about 4 times in the last 6 months for lunch/ dinner. It was civil, friendly and no heavy relationship stuff was discussed ( which is how I wanted it to be) . Immediately after we broke up we bumped into each other often and he was very mean-he would not say hello, would walk away or see me and turn away- it was horrible. So for him to finally be civil was really good. So things were getting better. The last communication we had he said he is going to USA for 2 weeks vacation, and he offered to buy some clothes for me (something he used to do when we were together). But then all I got when he was in USA was a text basically saying "the jeans were too expensive, and the shops he visited had no good clothes" There was a definite unfriendly " tone" to the text- like he used to send when he was angry. I replied in a friendly way, but that was the last I have heared from him and that was 3 months ago. I left me confused. Why when we were getting on better ( and he offered to shop for me) did he suddenly turn nasty again?
2. My second issue is that I bumped into my ex's best friend "B" last night. B and I always got on really well. I deliberately avoided discussing my ex but B mentioned him. B said that "he has not seen my ex for about 6 months and does not think they are really friends anymore because when my ex got with his current partner X he ignored "B" " I was shocked. My ex got a new partner! The weird thing was I always wondered about this X and I even asked my ex when we were together was anything going on with X -which he denied. But now I find they got together (BUT then have since broke up too) . As we broke up in February and 'B" has not seen my ex for 6 months it seems that my ex got with X soon after we broke up. On one hand I am devastated by this, did he leave me for X but could not be honest and tell me the truth? And how could I be replaced so quickly? did he not care about me at all? on the other hand its a relief that my worry over X was justified, and then on the other hand I also feel happy about it- that its a further reason we should not be together and its one more step towards closure and moving on.
My ex has also fallen out with another of his really good friends too which is also confusing- what is going on in his head to make him fall out with his friends too?).
Does anyone have any explanation as to why my ex did what he did and is doing what he is doing. I am still confused by him.
Best Answer
Thanks ladies for your good advice, good food for thought. I must say I am quite hurt by his behaviour. The fact that he must have got with X fairly soon after we broke up... It kind of feels like he cheated on me. He clearly liked X but when I asked him was anything going on he denied it.
I have been giving this a lot of thought but its still leaving me with more questions than answers such as... Did he cheat when we together?, or did they hook up as a rebound after both ours and X's previous relationships ended? Did my ex orchestrate our break up so that he could be with X but not tell me the real reason. Any advice on his behaviour would be great to ease my mind.
I am though still feeling pretty good. And in a way happy that this has happened, its another step towards moving on.
I have been giving this a lot of thought but its still leaving me with more questions than answers such as... Did he cheat when we together?, or did they hook up as a rebound after both ours and X's previous relationships ended? Did my ex orchestrate our break up so that he could be with X but not tell me the real reason. Any advice on his behaviour would be great to ease my mind.
I am though still feeling pretty good. And in a way happy that this has happened, its another step towards moving on.
Hmmmm.......well, you will probably never really know the whole truth about all this. Sometimes things just can't be explained. It is DEFINITELY apparent your personalities didn't mesh well together and that he wanted out.
I would just assume move on, as you are doing and not give him or whoever he is with another thought. He is not worth any of your waking hours to be pre-occupied with. I wouldn't recommend having anymore "lunches/dinners" with him. Sounds like he is not a "good fit" as a bf or even a friend for you.
Put your focus on someone worth it; YOU.
I would just assume move on, as you are doing and not give him or whoever he is with another thought. He is not worth any of your waking hours to be pre-occupied with. I wouldn't recommend having anymore "lunches/dinners" with him. Sounds like he is not a "good fit" as a bf or even a friend for you.
Put your focus on someone worth it; YOU.
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So, no one can really answer your questions. I will be honest, I would think it odd that an ex boyfriend would shop for you at this point. Maybe it sounded like a good idea when he first mentioned it or he was just in that old pattern but upon thinking about it realized that he didn't really want to spend the time shopping for you (why would he?), maybe he already had the new partner and he/she might become angry about him shopping for someone else or perhaps it brought up memories of the past and he doesn't want to go there. Maybe he was just too busy. No matter what the reason, I would think his NOT shopping for you was the right decision. It is a very personal thing and might be inappropriate for two people that are broken up and moving on with their lives.
As to his friendships that ended or drifted apart, who knows. Maybe it wasn't that solid of a friendship, maybe they had a fight or disagreement, maybe they just didn't really have much in common anymore, maybe there IS a new partner that has issues with his friends. Who knows. But I would try not to worry about this. One could also say "who cares". Those are his friendships to have or not have and don't affect you.
I would focus on your own friends and what you are doing in your life. I know we wonder about ex's and once we are apart, it is tempting to want to know all that is going on with them---- but staying out of it and moving on for real is a better idea. Some people do become friends with their ex's although I think it is very very hard. I don't think you are ready for that yet just based on what and how you've written about this. I do wish you luck and peace.