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Still in love with his ex-gf?
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Still in love with his ex-gf?

My DH of 3.5 years is still in love with his ex-gf whom he dated for 6 years and was engaged to before they broke up (this was about 7 years ago now--he dated others in between and then he met me). The problem is, he still has dreams of her (he has woken up crying in the middle of the night) and he is very attracted to women who resemble her (I do not). He refuses to go anywhere that they went together and sometimes he even points out where they dated, etc or he gets a far-off longing look when he sees someone who looks like her. I am trying to be as supportive as possible and I am certain he thought he would get over her by now, especially after marrying me. He cut off contact with her (at my request) just prior to our wedding (he invited her to our wedding but she declined). His ex-gf is now married with a daughter so it is not that she is trying to get back into the picture. I have always understood he has loved this other woman and regretted breaking up with her. He says he only thinks of her because he feels guilty for being the one to break up with her, although he admits that had she been single before he met me, he definately would have dated her again. He has said to me that is why commitment now means so much to him. He says he very committed to our relationship and he says he loves me and I adore him but I also want him to get over the ex. Am I asking for too much? Does he just need more time?
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Avatar_f_tn
i can relate to ur husband. but i really dont know what the answer is to ur question.
im kinda stuck on an ex too. also long term rel.ship that i ended. and we both moved on with our lives. its just that sometimes similar faces catch ur attention, certain places i cant even go to.
and ive been tryin to figure out y i cant just let it go. its like gosts and unfinished business. cant move on for what ever reason.
i dont know if its somethin u can get pass. just kinda close the door and try ur best not to think about it. only dreams sometimes bring back memories.
anyways, i admire how ur handeling with it. and means a lot that ur husband actually tells u what hes goin through (i would never tell my bf, he doesnt need to know).
i really think that its a time thing. more time goes by the more u forget and let go.


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Avatar_f_tn
I think that it was not fair to you and your relationship with your DH that he commited to a life with you while he was still in love with someone else.  Have the two of you thought about counseling?  I give you props, I could not, would not be in a marraige where I felt like the other woman.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes, he actually did discuss this with a counsellor who tried to help him through it. I actually thought he was pretty much over her before we married, but when the crying happened in the middle of the night and most recently the longing looks at girls who look like her (he sometimes points them out), it has started to hurt. He still continues to treat me like a princess and I am fairly confident they have no contact anymore, but, I don't know now if I measure up and how long it'll take for him to get over her...will he even get over her?? (he has talked to her about this in the past and she has assured him that he needn't feel guilty over anything and that she wishes him well).
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177641_tn?1189759437
Hey, that's tough. It's a great sign that he is so open about it with you - it may be his way of safe-guarding himself with these feelings. And he says and acts like he is committed to you - another good sign.

Talk to him about how much this is hurting him, and suggest that he re-address it because it's starting to affect you. Since it's been a few years, it sounds like he's maybe gotten snagged somewhere in the grieving process. I know he's already seen a counsellor, but if it wasn't a good fit (someone he really felt comfortable with) then he might need to try again. Just a suggestion.

Also remain patient as you've already done so well. I can relate to your husband somewhat (in a relationship, but still hurting from a bad breakup). Sometimes I still cry over what happened months and months ago. And my new partner is great and supportive - he lets me know that he's into me, but understands that I happen to be coming from a difficult place right now. I tell him anything strange that happens regarding my ex so that there's no risk of mistrust. It sounds very difficult to watch the person you love be in so much pain. Encourage him and support him - sometimes that's all we can do for the people we love. I hope this helps - keep us posted!
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158812_tn?1189759426
If I were you, I would close the door, and not peek in.  Move forward.  He isn't looking to run off with her, and in time, his feelings will subside.  When he points out another woman, ignore him.  Let him 'work this out'.  He is OBVIOUSLY committed to YOUR relationship.  You OBVIOUSLY measure up to her, or he wouldn't have married YOU.  Relax, and trust your husband.  
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Avatar_f_tn

I agree with the last poster. I hope your husband will eventually work this out and learn that it is best to live life with no regrets.... that everything happens for a reason.

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Avatar_n_tn
Yes, I would like to think that he does really want our relationship. I am disappointed that he is still hanging onto her though. I have had past relationships that I had to let go of, no matter what the feelings were and I wish he could also move on, for both our sakes. He did email her prior to our wedding and tried to tell her how he felt guilty still, etc. after breaking up with her and she offered to meet up with him for coffee. He has considered meeting up with her again, just to meet up with her for "old times sake", but the counsellor suggested that would not be a wise move. My concern was that if he did meet up with her and still loved her, then what? I said to him that I would be ok if she came to the wedding, honestly in hopes that he could once and for all get over it. He was at least open to telling me he would have liked to have seen her again...so  I am assuming I needn't be worried?
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Avatar_f_tn

I agree with that counselor. If your husband and his ex met for "coffee", that would not be good.

I think you need to make a choice. Can you continue living with this man who is obsessed with a past relationship and in love with another woman ? Honestly... after 3 1/2 years, he may never get over her. Can you accept this ? Can you accept being 2nd best... isn't that how you must feel ?
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Avatar_f_tn

I forgot to ask you something. Is your husband GUILTY about breaking up with her or does he REGRET it ? It sounds like he regrets it. There is a huge difference between the two and I hope things work out for you. I do stand by my previous post.

Good luck !
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Avatar_n_tn
He says it is guilt--he broke up with her to go out with someone else which turned out to be a bad move because other girl rejected him and he tried to get back with the first girl but she said nope. He says he feels as if he treated the first girl badly over it all. He as apologized to her numerous times, wrote letters to the girl's family (he was close to them) and tried everything to make things better, but she had moved on, got engaged quickly and married. It is difficult to tell whether he regrets not being with her (he says now "Well, I am still not sure if I loved her although she was amazing and perfect"--he said he had the flaws not to see that at the time). Sometimes I do feel second-best or at least that he is with me because it is impossible to be with her, but he keeps saying, "I married YOU, I chose you, I never married her."
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Avatar_n_tn
Thers about three good things I'd do.

First talk to him about his emotions and you said that he won't go into places he did with his ex. so i'd try to get him to go back into thoughs places.


Second you like some people are a healer. A healer is a person that can deal with others pain or negative energy by getting rid of it. Phisical, mental, or emotion pain.

Thered get a professional to talk to him.

You wellcome,
Kriscool

P.S. God Bless You. I know you must be a wonderful person and know somethings are just hard. Love him and take care of him. Have good fath in him and yourself.
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Avatar_m_tn
Can I be the realist here?

First of all, what the hell? You have a "DH" who, in the past years of your relationship, has lied to you about still being in love with his ex. So what if he's committed to you? He's with you because he can't have her. Why can't anybody in this forum see this? Second of all, they broke up 7 years ago. 7 YEARS! And he's still not over her? Either it's me or you don't seem to know how to read red flags.

I don't know if everyone here is too pro-marriage or what not, but you do have a choice lyndsaymay. You could divorce him. I know, divorce sounds extreme and expensive. But you're happiness is at stake. He's unhappy in his life, and he certainly is unhappy with you. Yet you still stand by him after all this time. Some people might praise you for being patient and committed, but in my eyes, and probably in many others, you are an idiot and a tool. How can two people be in love if one of them wishes he was still with another? You are a joke to many women, and it appears to be easy that men can take advantage of you and make you compromise your happiness. If he really loves you, he would've forgotten about her and focus entirely on you.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I know many of y'all will bash me for being too hard on her. But after reading all of these posts, someone had to tell you the truth of the matter. If you want to sacrifice your happiness and the ability to experience and hold true love, then by all means stick with Mr. Baggage. Feels good short-term, feels like **** in the long term. If not, better get some divorce papers and a lawyer. Feels like **** short-term, feels great in the long term.
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Avatar_m_tn
Yes!  This post began a few years back but I am with the therealistofrelationships and I hope that lindsaymay has dumped this obvious, overt BABY of a man.

I would never, ever give up my happiness and the one life I know I have, just to be the back burner girl who got the husband because he couldn't get his ex back.  Isn't your life worth it?  Isn't your happiness?  Are you important at all?

I found this because I was looking for advice about how to help a friend get past his ex as I see he is starting to get "close" to me.  He is of the wrong notion that I can help him get past a girl who dumped him 6 years ago.  Well, that won't be happening.  I will help him, but my sights are set elsewhere. I refuse, REFUSE to be used like that.  I refuse to give up my happiness for such a sucky baby.  

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Avatar_f_tn
I agree 100% with you, I have read everyone elses posts and thinking to myself, WTF! How is this okay? You've been married 3.5 years and he can't let go of an ex girlfriend? It even gets to the point where he wakes up in the night and cries?? And he points out girls who resemble her and you're ok with that? Hello? Red flag! Wow, I don't know what woman in their right mind would put up with that. He is YOUR husband. He needs to be yours 100% emotionally, physically, mentally. Who cares he that he tells you about it, it does not make it right at all! You deserve better than that my dear.. and do forgive my harsh words. I just don't believe he is doing right by you. I do hope things get better for you doll!
Your friend,
Krystal
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Avatar_f_tn
This post is dated but, I am sort of in a crisis like lindsaymay. Help me out here. Harsh doesn't hurt me. My bf/baby daddy & I have been together 4 years and we have a 2 year old son. He has a 6 year old daughter from his previous relationship, however she is not his biological daughter. The mom controls him by using the girl as a tool, by threatening to keep her from him. I've researched and found that he is able to sue for custodial rights and adopt  in order to prevent the mom's tactics and any pain on the girl. That being said, he won't adopt her. I have a feeling it's because he doesn't want to close the door completely on that past relationship. I have often felt like less of a priority to the mom, and he has admitted to favoring his daughter over my son. The mom's controlling ways effect our relationship all th time. Worse, now my innocent boy is being dragged into the sick game by forming that bond with his 'sister'. I'll add that the mom has another boyfriend and it's no secret that she doesn't want my bf. wtf should I do to get through without arguing?
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1925157_tn?1328932617
Why the heck is he supporting his "daughter" if she really isn't his ?!!!! That's a huge red flag there. He should even be in contact with this girl if she doesn't have an actual child with him?
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Avatar_f_tn
he didnt find out she wasnt his until after she was born. by that time he already loved her as his own and wasnt going to change that.
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