Struggling to Cope After My GF Revealed a 100-Year Old Episode of Her Uncle Sexually Molesting Her.
Hi, I am here writing to you because I am at a loss of rational thought for one of the first times since I realized that I was a rationally thinking individual. I turn around and nothing has been the same since my girlfriend of about a year (though we've known each other for 3 and had quite the radical history regarding her parents dating me, me being 3 years older, anyway that's another tale to tell) told me that her uncle, now 28, had been sexually molesting her since she was in the 2nd grade, leaving her innocence scarred and judgmentally challenged for as long as she's lived, now 18.
All of this came about 3 nights ago after dinner with my parents. Her parents were to be out of town this night, leaving who would become known as Uncle Don, in charge of watching her and her two siblings who are around the ages of 3 and 5 while they were gone overnight. It became apparent earlier that day that she had had a nice, youthful relationship with this particular uncle- that all based on my observing her speech patterns to him on the phone, knowing that he was only a decade older in age, giving off a possibly 'cool' persona, which could obviously lead to him letting her stay out all night w/ me... that much was semi-true. So after getting off the hook w/ her uncle, we had planned a night... a rarity for us given that I am 20 years old and in college and that her parents never let her stay out past 12. So we took advantage of that.
During this time at my place we began talking. I was very into what we were talking about- that being and in-depth analysis of ourselves and how we connect to the world around us, which led to me asking more and more questions.
I am a peaceful person, and I believe that happiness comes from understanding, a realization that of which something my girlfriend hasn't experienced yet. To make a longgg story short, I read something on her face that night that seemed distant and worried- a MASK if you will. At about 3:30 she gets a phone call from her uncle, it goes badly. She starts worrying and i try to calm her.
"He's angry, he's so angry!" - "Hey, Hey, its going to be alright."
"No its not going to be, he's ruining my night... after all he's done to me he can't just let me have a good night!"
What did she just say? Yeah.
"Baby, what?!" (she begins crying hysterically, batting away from me). I console her, nudge her chin and face out from her hands to look her in the eyes.
"Babydoll, tell me, tell me what happened,"
I am startled at this point as she tries to gulp away that crying esophageal air.
"I don't want to go home, I don't. I don't want to be vulnerable, I'm so scared he'll take advantage of me." So after a lot of this sort of exchange I learn that her uncle began molesting her when she was 7 and had been doing so until this very day ( though you could count the incidents on two hands and it hasnt happened since December of 08- we were together then!). She says that he would finger her, and feel all over her body and bite her but not penetrate her all-the-while he's masturbating until done. She has just never felt ok to tell anyone and was too scared to counteract his threats of Whatever they were...
He was trying to get her to the house that night so that he could.... oh god it just kills me to say it.. and i'm obviously a mess right now just thinking about it. So that night i went to her house so that nothing would happen. We approached the house and i noticed his blue taurus sitting in the driveway. We pretty much just sat in her room trying to be quiet so that he wouldn't come down to her room.
A part of me wanted to let him try to get with her all so i could catch him in the act and royally verbally ruin him. But the other side of me wanted to play protector... and all i really wanted to do was that very thing. I love her so much, and we've been sexually active all year and i just feel like her judgement on love is completely skewered despite how amazing she is. Anyway, I realize how jumpy this is but i'm attempting to focus on this one night because it is an inciting moment for the girl-telling the first person about this...
I want her to tell her parents (her dad is in the NAVY, he would absolutely kill that man). She won't let me, so i respect that. She does want to say something now- to her uncle... because she maintains that he ruined a good deal of her well-being as a child and a teen- into a young woman. She doesn't want to disturb her family's peace (though its not that peaceful-her parents are great ppl, just busy) by giving them this information, causing them to coddle her after she's already dealt with it for her entire life. I get that, but at the same time, her life WILL turn around for the better if she faces it, and she agrees. She agrees that it might turn her uncles life around of ********* activity (or he could murder which is also unwanted). WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE. I AM LOST ABOUT THIS SITUATION AS IT HAS DEVASTATED MY OPINION OF HUMANITY AND MY WILL TO GO ON NORMALLY. IF ANYONE CAN HELP ME OUT AT ALL, I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT B/C I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH, I WANT TO HELP HER HAVE THE LIFE SHE WANTS, AND FOR HER TO TURN AROUND AND SEE THE SUN IN A DIFFERENT- MOLESTATION FREE LIGHT.
Thank you for your forum, I really hope I/We can get through this..
You HAVE TO report this man to the POLICE immediately. He is a dangerous man who sees nothing wrong in rape and molestation, that means other young girls are in danger while he is free to walk around too. She is 18 now, but not that long ago he was abusing a child, he is a Peodophile.
By hiding this You will be allowing him to endanger other children and young women, I'm sorry to say. It is your DUTY to stop this man and go to the police, as you are the only person who knows who can think clearly about how wrong this is. Your girlfriend is probably metally and psychologically damaged enough not to fully understand the extent of his actions. You know this is WRONG, DISPICABLE, CRIMINAL.
Your girlfriend wont agree to you reporting him but she will thank you in the long run. If you go to the authorities, even without her knowing, a Councillor can visit her privately and encourage her to press charges against this man. They will know how to approach the subject sensitively.
Only you are going to be able to stop this man. He doesn't sound remorsful, he is enjoying what he is doing. Your girlfriend will be worse affected psychologically the longer this continues.
I am noticing a few things in your post that may or may not be relevent. First you say, your gf is 18? Why does she need a sitter first of all. Why was she not the one watching the younger ones instead of this uncle? Does she have a history of non-trust with her parents?
Secondly, you say the first conversation over the phone was a pleasant one, with him giving her permission to stay out with you? Because she normally has to be in by 12?
When she was not in by 12, he called your gf telling her to get home?
It was at this time that she gets all emotional, etc?
Then you go back to the house with her and stay?
Ok, assuming I understood the post correctly, here is my take on this.
You got fed a lot of BS. IMO
Her parents had someone to come in and watch an 18 year old because the 18 year old could not be trusted to do the job herself? She knowingly broke the midnight curfew to stay with you because her parents were out of town? This tells me why the uncle was called to do the job.
Then, I am guessing that she made up the part about having permission to stay out as late as she was and when he called, angry because she had not come home, she did a git even with em. Why do I think this? Because when you went back to the house with her, he let you stay. Being in charge, and if he wanted to molest her, he would have made you go home, (which would have been appropriate anyway, being midnight is her curfew), however, he did not. This is assuming he knew you were there, if he did not, then the rest is obvious. I have known teens to make this stuff up sometimes, and I have seen entire families ruined as a result. Being a mother of six of my own kids and knowing what they were capable of as teens when they did not get their way, I have learned what to watch for as far as truths. I would not give her an out. I would say to you, that her behavior with him before she got mad, is not the average for someone who has been abused by a family member. She was more excited about breaking the rules than upset that he was in charge of her, nor was she concerned about the younger children and what he may do to them in her absence.
She could have told her parents anytime she wanted to, nothing was stopping her, if this story is true, and i beleive i would talk with her parents or get out of this situation, if he is a molester he should be turned in, it does not sound real, but who knows, she does not sound to scared luck jo
Thanks for your comments. I have considered ALL of the Huhs? and But Hows? in this and I do trust her to the extent that her behavior does.
The 'abyss' statement has not occurred to me yet. As far as her ability to have an adult sexual relationship w/ me... I am still growing myself. At 20 i've never heard of an event like the one she told me, but i can tell you that once all of this is over, whether I butt out, or fix the problem like I intend to do, I believe I have the knowledge to make her happy for as long as she wants me to. She already makes me happy. I can tell you that NOW things are going to change. They already have. Our meaning, our goals, our interactions... are they all just a joke? No, they can't be. She's too genuine.
I had a difficult childhood as well, having my parents divorce and remarry when i was 5. My dad married into a family that was the complete opposite of the one I was already being raised in... it was his first try at new love since my mom after 20 years...and it turns out this woman would verbally assault me for the next 10 years. After some therapy and a bout of substance use, I've begun to work on myself... and so I know how it can be to have to amend the problems of your past... people adapt, they change, because they can.
I meant a '10-year episode' - sorry I was tired when I typed this out.
Teko, I do consider the BS factor in this though I want to believe her, every bit of it. She's an actress actually, and it now makes total sense about why she's good at it... she hides EVERYTHING from people. Getting her to talk about something like asking a cheap business about their gimmick - Ask us inside today! type of thing. And when this gets resolved, it would be great if we could stay together, but I am putting her well-being in front of 'us' right now, so that even if we don't prevail, its probably going to be something I'm not ok with. I'm just determined to help this bc it's worth the try.
And sorry about all the confusion about the scenario, I'm an awful plot writer! That night seemed like a blur. Yes, though, it is a heck of a story all for her to stay out late, but I assure you I heard them talking and it was ok for her to stay out... but how ok? Didn't he just want her for himself, but realized that if he let her get what she wants, she might be rewarding when she came home? I think that's what this is... a system of reward patterns full of anonymity unless you are the two of them. My next questions for her will clear all of this stuff up.
Thomlin, you sound like a really sweet, supportive young man. A really good boyfriend.
But watch out for your desire to rescue damsels in distress. All you end up with for a prize is a distressed damsel.
You talk in terms of "once this is all over" and you want to "fix it". You can't. This won't ever be over.
(I don't believe this dire prediction about survivors of sexual assault or molestation or incest, in general. But this girl is 18, and was probably about to go have sex with him again if you hadn't been there. She will never heal.)
Best wishes. I hope somehow you are able to get through this.
Hello, I think even if she may be lying you should go to the cops. That way if he is molesting her, then he could be put in jail. See, as a young child, I was molested by my uncle from when I was 4 until I was 8. The only reason he stopped was because the sick ******* was molesting my brother and a younger uncle of mine for a lot longer than he had molested me. This all got out some how to my grandma and he got put in jail. But before he got put away, my mom had asked my brother about it, and she refused to believe him over my uncle. So I tried to tell my mother also, and she didn't believe me either, and said she hated me and that she was going to make me go live with my dad as punishment. My mom wasn't all there. I actually have reasons to believe that her and my uncle were romantically involved. Anyway, I took back what I had said, because I loved my mother so very much and I couldn't bare to live somewhere she wasn't. I kept this to myself for years. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because it was so wierd and outragous that no one would believe me and just think I was a liar. When he came back out of jail after 2 years, he tried to do it again, but I wouldn't let him. Before, I would try to tell him no, and he would just pick me up and take me downstairs to my mom's bed and kiss, fondle and make me touch him. This time, I was a little older and I was less niave. So when he asked me to come over and sit with him, I ran and I told him I was going to hang out with my mom. Anyway, the only person who I ever told was my best friend when I was 11. Then I finally moved out of my mom's house and went and lived with my dad (which I should have done when I told my mom). After 2 years of living with him, I finally told him. He was livid. It took me until I met my boyfriend (who I have been with for 13 years now) to get over this. I still have flashbacks about him touching me. I am still confused sexually and I think this is the reason. Anyway, my point is to go to the cops and family members first. Whether it hurts her or not. She WILL thank you someday because it will put an end to the hell that she is living in. Trust me, no one wants to go through this. It has caused many issue for me, including self esteem, honesty, sexual relations, you name it. Its hard to function normally when this has happened to you, and until you have gone through it, you have no idea how damaging it is. Best of Luck....god bless
Is it even possible to have someone put in jail just because someone says they did something to them, Even with no proof. I am pretty sure they would investigate both their backgrounds and not just take her word for it.
Well any abuser should be brought to face their disgusting actions and publicly humiliated. I don't think anyone would make up a story like that about their own uncle without good reason. She has only ever experienced most of her child hood through abuse, so who's to say she's lying just from the strange way the poster tells her story. Who knows what a child interprets from the world, from people, when they have been abused, or subsequently the sort of adult they become. An abused adult we may not understand should mean you don't just turn around and accuse them of lying because their story doesn't sound realistic, you help them. The poster does express himself in quite odd ways in general - perhaps listening to her in person when she first told of the abuse would have seemed genuine to you or I.
It is hard to say from the post that is written here that abuse has actually happened. Without knowing more about the situation and the family, I would need more input. From what is posted here, it sounds iffy, and to those who question why someone would actually make up a story like this? It happens everyday. Check out the news. Dads, stepdads, uncles, cousins, for whatever sick reason it does happen in this day and age. It seems to have turned into a game somewhat. If this guy is innocent, what a horrible thing it is to happen to him and the family. If it did happen and he is guilty, nail em to the wall, it will still tear up the family. I simply think this needs handled with kid gloves. I would even suggest making an appointment with a counselor to get their take on this. As I said, I find it strange that the poster spent the night, the girl did not recieve a angry phone call until the wee hours of the morning and the gal had siblings left with this dude. No concern on their behalf? I find all those things iffy at best. Just my opinion. I do not know if there was or was not abuse, I am simply saying as far as the post goes, there is no evidence of any intentions of such displayed in this post other than the girl saying it is so. I still question why the 18 year old was not in charge of the siblings and why mom and dad felt it necessary to have a sitter for an 18 year old. To me as a parent this is concerning to me. Could she not be trusted?
Why is there not much mention of these other two children?? Please for the love of God and all that is Holy... if you are so concerned about protecting her, why are you not concerned about protecting those two very young innocent children who were left alone with him? if its not true.. great... but you need to sit down with her and get more infor and if you really believe this is true... you NEED to tell the parents... they are putting their other two children in harms way each time he comes to their home... why isnt SHE concerned about their well being?? she is old enough to tell him.. HE!! NO... those young children are NOT... WTF!!
I understand how stories at times can sound false but please never not believe one when you hear it.
I was molested by my neighbor at the age of 12 to the age of 14 I tried to tell my mom what was going on but she told me I was lying and that man was a christian man how could I say something like that about him. To this day I still deal with a lot of the things that happened to me and it is hard everyday. I love my mom but still hate her for allowing it to continue that long.
Please help her whether she wants it or not and tell the police.
i definitely think you need to tell someone about this, whether you go to the police, children services, her parents, whoever!! you NEED to let someone know what this girl is telling you! And also i agree with nuredshuz!! Why is no one worried about her two young siblings being alone with this guy!! If he was sexually molesting her it's pretty safe to think he's will probably do it with her siblings and she just leaves them alone with him?? I understand she is young and dealing with her own pain but it is completely UNACCEPTABLE to not notify SOMEONE of what has happened and to even ALLOW that man to be able to be alone with other children that he can take advantage of! I agree with most of these other people that even if she doesn't want to tell anyone YOU NEED TO!! and if her parents do not believe you or her you need to go to the police with this! You cannot leave this guy out there to do this to other children. I'm sorry if i sound harsh, I don't mean to, but this guy will most likely NEVER come clean about this, so it is up to you and her to get the truth out there! Please do NOT let this slide and do NOT wait! let someone know immediately!
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