Sudden change in dress

[PassionFlower09]

My husband has drastically changed his dress.

When asked him if he was sure he were not trying to impress someone, he told me that this was how he always used to dress (before he meet me). And if I didn't like it I could go. Then he shut the door in my face.

I told him that he was the one who lies, not me. And if that is the attitude he will have then I will wear what I want to wear too.

I was joking with with the question. He said he wanted to dress more professional for work without me even asking; but I still secretly  wondered if that were really the case. I think if he really wanted to just dress for work, he would have just said, " I just want to dress better for work". I did not expect the answer I received.

What do you guys think?

[PassionFlower09]

I understand and agree with what you ladies have said. ... It just seem so unfair.  I talked to my aunt who is a therapist. She said that my husband (and those gutterpups) are not capable  of  the emotions I want them to experience or the feelings I want them to feel. Otherwise, they would not have hurt me.

It still makes me depressed- Yes, I can forgive ( and maybe one day forget). But currently I  feel like some  part (small or large) of something really special is lost.

I love my husband, but at times when I look at him and think, "how pathetic. You  think you couldn't help someone else without hurting another".  I am just hurt and amazed.

But anyway,  I am ok. Don't feel bad when you read my post. Just send me lots of Virtual hugs and support. I have days when the past just kicks my A$$, and days when I master my feelings- day-by- day is my new way of life now.

PassionFlower09

[lovemykids465]

Ugh! I feel so bad for you! Reading your post reminds me of the feelings I had. I have gotten better, But as I said before you need to stop focusing on Him and focus on you. I know it is hard. I would do the same thing. Why is he putting on cologne, or shaving more often, I was driving myself nuts! Why do you want to live in that prison? He is not suffering you are. And I agree, the more you show your insecurity to him and the more you accuse him you are making him defensive but also giving him power over you.


I tell you something my therapist told me last week, at firs it made me mad and I guess we will talk about it more nest session, but she said when ever we talk about anything ( Joe and I to her) in my case it always comes back to the emotional affair. No matter if we are talking kids, money work..... She said I may not talk about it to him or to others as often ( I do here) but I really have not moved on and trusted. She said I am managing it. Like I manage my office at work. I am doing everything I can to make sure he is not being unfaithful to me. Watching his every more, worrying where he is and with whom, trying so hard to be a better wife and mother when I was already damn good enough.  She said I am a recipe for disaster ( break down) there is more then our situation going on, we have sick kids and so on. This really hurt me at first but the more I thought about it she was right. I could be sabotaging my own efforts to rebuild our relationship.

[mami1323]

I don't think RockRose is being mean, I think she feels your pain and how exhausted you must be going through this whole rollercoaster.  The thing about infidelity is that it causes such damage in a relationship that you don't even know where to go.  You love the person and want to forgive but that damn lack of trust will get you every time.  You've been lied to so much that you can't distinguish between lies and truth anymore.  So you pick at every single thing that he does.  I have to be honest, I still to this day have certain doubts.  Here's an example, the other night my fiance asked me to go for drinks after he got off of work.  In the past when he was doing something wrong, he would go out first, get dressed up and then ask to meet me, so that he had an excuse for being so dressed up.  He would just say "well I knew we were going to meet up after, so I brought my change of clothes to work".  So of course my mind starts questioning things, mind you, this is 2 years later.  So I suspected him immediately, although I keep it inside now and just wait to see what happens before jumping all over him.  Well he came to meet me in his sweats (work clothes), and I was relieved.  But still that doubt is there, I just learned how to control it better.  I wanted to write that so you know that your feelings are completely normal after what you've experienced.

Ok, now on to my next thing, although you've been burned, you've chosen to stay with your husband.  Right now your in "purgatory", that's what I call it.  Because you love him and want to be with him but your damn pride has jumped out the window by staying with him.  You're mad at yourself for giving him so many chances when he's hurt you so bad.  So you've built this huge wall and refuse to let him break it down at all.  You don't want to get hurt again, you don't want to let down the defense for fear of the rug being ripped from under your feet.  However, the only thing that it's doing is causing more of a rift in your marriage.  You've chosen to stay, now work with that.  Work on you.  You can have that toughness and strength but make sure you're in control of it.  Use it when necessary and not all the time.  You can't lash out at your husband each and every chance you suspect something because that will drive more of a wedge between the two of you.  Even if you do feel he's doing something, you have no proof.  So what's the point in arguing about it?  Let it go until you do find something.  If you do, then you will know what to do.  If you're wrong and he's being good, you've wasted so much time suspecting him and being angry at him.  

I hope this helps.  I hope you find peace soon.

[RockRose]

Absolutely,  Passion, what specialmom said,   keep posting.  I'm just saying I keep posting the same thing to you after you post the same exact question and I feel like I've said all I can say to you that might be helpful.

I'm not trying to chase you off here.  I'm just saying I've given the same advice and wish you well,  but I don't have anything new to add so maybe others can take over and give more insight.  

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

No Passion.  You can and should post when you feel like it. This is a good place to vent.  All just want the best for you.  

[PassionFlower09]

So don't read it. I won't post anymore

[RockRose]

Passion,  I'm really glad for you that there are apparently  good times.

Either 1.  decide to forgive him,  (at your risk,  honestly,  he could still be having emotional or sexual affairs and he seems to be a jerk) or  2.  leave.  

Pick one or the other,  and go there.  

I'm just so weary of reading this exact story,  of you in the exact same place emotionally,  that I am tired of it.  I'm really done with reading this story,  it never changes month after month after month,  the same exact thing.

I can't imagine how you are feeling,  being in the center of it.  

Anyway,  I really wish you well, and this is my very  last post to you.  Your story never seems to move forward,  but prayers that somehow you will find the strength to go ahead.

[PassionFlower09]

There are things to balance the bad. We plan things together (present and future), we do love each other very much, we are intimate. We laugh we share good, bad, and the ugly.

It is just hard sometimes because I feel like I allowed him to get away with hurting me and I don't think I did enough to stop it.

I vent because I hurt sometimes.  I vent because I don't understand how he could do somethings. I have doubts sometimes- like today when I experienced what I wrote in the post.

Thanks all

[specialmom]

Passion, I think what Rockrose is keying into is that you write with such despair that it must be very hard to live that way.  At least that is how it appears to us because we don't hear any of the other side.  This is your place to come and vent and it is perfect for that and I'm glad you do come here.  But we do not hear when anything goes right, any of the nice moments between you and your husband, the positive points to your union with him.  It gives us a somewhat skewed viewpoint of the situation.  I sure hope there is something to balance out these bad things.  If there isn't, then it would be hard to carry this relationship on indefinitely.  

Still hoping for some marriage therapy to try and save this.

[RockRose]

Passion,  he's going to be gone in 12 months.  I don't know whether he's cheating or not,  but between the two of you neither of you ever seems to say a sweet complimentary thing to the other.

It's always your veiled distrustful questions or comments,  constantly,  and his incredibly rude come backs.

It might be deserved,  but your husband is in the "drop to the ground and protect your head" mode,   around you.  

I know everyone keeps saying this over and over to you I'm sure you're getting tired of hearing it,  but I think you need to make a decision either to be sweet and cute and loving around him and give this a real chance,  or you need to leave.  This staying together torturing each other all the time wears me out just reading about it,  I can't imagine how it feels to be living it,  for either of you.

[teko]

I find most men to be creatures of habit. Is this behavior out of the norm for your hubby? Has he been hung up on his looks or is he into being a snappy dresser? I think first of all I would think about that, then the way he said go and shut the door in your face is kind of wierd. That would make me more curious than the change in dress. Something sounds off to me.

[PromisedLand]

It could always be a case where there's a new boss, a new dress code, big shots coming to town who knows. (doesn't sound like it though)  My company went through a period several years ago where we hired a bunch of MBAs who all came to work in suits and women in suits as well and all of a sudden all of us were coming to work in suits and ties and carrying briefcases with nothng in them.

sorry to add humor...Specialmom makes good points.


Jim

[specialmom]

Well, I know this is on Cosmos signs of infidelity but try not to jump to conclusions.  What bothers me more?  His response.  Man, your hubby can be a rude dude sometimes.  I agree that he may feel like he is always in trouble at this point and losing patience, and that is something for you to think about but still--------  He doesn't need to tell you to go and shut a door in your face.  

I know you don't love therapy and he was refusing it.  Is that still the case?  I just think that you need an unbiased person to sit with HIM and let him know when he is out of line or not.  You might hear that you have some things to work on as well---------  but this relationship needs to move forward and it keeps getting stalled.

[PromisedLand]

I'm glad I work from home...that's a question I'll never be asked.  Sometimes sweat pants and T shirt, sometimes jeans and T shirt..I could wear a suit (I have 1 for weddings/funerals, etc) and she might get suspicious..but there's nobody to impress but her, the dog the parrot and the fish and i don't think they care.


Jim

[imanaddict]

It seems as if you and your husband are going in circles and nothing ever seems to change. I agree that if he just wanted to dress up for work, he should've just said that, but given the circumstances over the past few months, he may have felt threatened by your question. I think you should wear what you want too, you are an adult and it is your right to wear whatever.