The Midweek Moment 1/26 "LOVE"

[specialmom]

So, here is a midweek Relationships moment.  Something new to get us thinking about our relationships.  This week, I was thinking about the word love.  We use it a lot in our relationships but what does it really mean.  Take the test below and see where you stand with the true nature of love regarding your partner.

1. Opposites attract.  True or False
2. Love is a feeling. True or False
3. Your partner should be your best friend.  True or False
4. Life crisis will destroy a relationship.  True or False
5. Good sex is important for a lasting relationship.  True or False

What do you think?  

[specialmom]

First, thank you for the responses!  I have about a zillion relationship books, articles, studies, etc. and thought it would be fun to get some things out and start some discussions around them.  All in fun and for discussion only.

Second, I think anyone that is in a happy, fulfilling relationship has gotten it right.  There are no absolutes!  What works for you works--------  and that is all that counts.

So, what I am about to post is from some info I have on what makes for a successful, long standing "loving" relationship. I don't necessarily agree, but here is what the data says.  

The answers to ALL of the above are . . . drum roll . . . FALSE.  

I'll start by quoting this which is the basis of this article-------- "Contrary to romantic myths, love is the way one TREATS another person and not a feeling-state in which one finds themselves."  AHP84 kind of got that---------  love should be more of a verb in a relationship.  It is what we do for our partner and that not only means things like making them dinner, giving them a neck massage, etc. but it means things like showing them patience, respect, being interested in them.  I'll be dead honest.  I think if everyone thought of love as a verb verses a feeling, I think it would be a good thing for most relationships.  I think if people also judged their partner on how they used love as a verb in the relationship, you'd have a better understanding of where they are at on the love meter.  So, I actually think this is a really good thing to keep in mind in our relationships.

Sex.  Well, the basis of why they say false about sex being important is that when they polled long standing couples that had been successful based on scoring of contentment assessments, sex was actually not in the top 5 things that they listed as good about their relationship and their partner.  The article goes on to say that couples that use sex as their way of communicating love are not doing the hard work it takes to connect on an emotional level.  Take that for what it is worth.  I think sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from any other . . . but I've never ranked it in terms of what is most important to me in my husband.  Would it be in the top 5?  I'll go out on a limb . . . no.  I'm not saying I want to give that up or anything . . . don't get me wrong.  But he has other things that I treasure more than that.  

Opposites attract.  This article indicates that a couple's best chance of contentment has to do with shared interests and likenesses to one another.  Now we have a few above that are opposites from their partner and quite happy.  I'd say in areas that I am different than my husband------  we've met in the middle and brought out good in one another.  But this part of the article got me thinking.  I'm less of the type that wants to go out a lot.  My husband loves to go out. Would we be happier if either of us was more like the other so it wasn't a compromise . .. as in we would BOTH be happy?  He loves sports passionately.  I would be fine never seeing another game that my son's weren't playing in.  Would we be happier if I shared his love of sports?  Oh well . . . too late now.  But I guess I can see that if you match up things that are really important to you, you will have an easier time of it.  This is the "business" end of marriage that I sometimes talk about.  Things like if you want kids or not, faith, finances, etc.  The biggies are good to be on the same page and agree on.  Easier.

Crisis.  This article made a big case for how coming through a crisis together is actually one of the things that will bring a couple "closer".  Something really painful that you go through together, something really hard can solidify your trust in one another.  It is a bond of sorts.  My husband and I cared for his dying mother when she was at the end of her cancer battler.  It was a 24/7 job and very emotional for my husband and myself.  Seeing how we both handled that, supported each other and stuck together is something special we shared.  Caring for our son with a developmental delay is similar.  Only he has seen and felt what it has been like for me and I him.  It is special between us.  I know many couples don't weather a crisis but if you see them as a way to bring you closer, maybe they won't stink so much.  (?)
Best friends.  Well, honestly, I don't get this one.  But they say that like and love are quite different.  Love is much deeper and you do not have to like someone to love them.  Once you marry, you may have periods like that and then love, the verb, still plays a roll.  That part I get---------  but I still want my hubs to be my best friend.  

So what do you think?  This article got me thinking about how I can better "love" my partner.  I want to be more patient, connected, pleasant, selfless, tender and interested in him.  

[jenkaye21]

I am posting beforereading anyone else's responses so I won't be influenced, LoL :)
1. Opposites attract.  Definitely TRUE in my case; DH and I are polar opposites, but have been together 15 years now (!).  Although our differences tend to lead to most of our disagreements...
2. Love is a feeling. True, yes, but far more than a feeling, too.
3. Your partner should be your best friend.  True. The one you count on the most.  And your relationship w/your partner should come before any other relationship.
4. Life crisis will destroy a relationship.  It CAN, but it doesn't have to.  
5. Good sex is important for a lasting relationship.  True :)  Not most important, but important.  

[AHP84]

1. False -- My first relationship was with someone who was practically my polar opposite. We hardly ever got along, hardly ever agreed on important things, and our relationship was always very tense (for me anyway; I had situational anxiety in that relationship because I never knew what would cause an argument). We have been broken up for 3½ years now (although I disconnected most of my emotional ties with him long before and only stayed with him that last year together because that relationship was like a bad habit) but we still have to remain in contact because we have a 6 year old son together. Fortunately, he's hardly involved at all and lives thousands of miles away. To this day, we still disagree on nearly everything concerning our son, but since he's hardly involved anyway, it's not as bad as it could be.
I am married to a wonderful man with whom I have very much in common. We are not 100% compatible, but we are definitely not opposites. We are almost always on the same page when it comes to living our lives together and we enjoy doing things together, whereas with my last relationship, we had almost nothing at all in common.

2. True and False -- Love is a feeling, of course. But it's also an action. If you only ever felt love, it wouldn't be able to go very far without any physical act to follow up.

3. True -- To a degree, your partner should be your best friend. By that, I mean that you don't have to have everything in common or want to spend every waking moment with him/her, but your partner should always come first in your life when it comes to meeting his/her needs and your own, and he/she should always be the most important person in your life because you SHARE your lives, therefore their needs and opinions should always have first priority. However, that doesn't mean that they have to be the "bff" type of best friend, meaning that, in my opinion, a person should have a best friend of the same sex with whome they can share time, because there are just times that you need that one-on-one (or group) time with "the guys" or "the girls."

4. False -- I would hope a life crisis would not destroy my relationship with my husband! I would hope and pray that somehow, in whatever way, it brought us closer together. If I ever found myself in a life crisis (which I have a couple of times since I've been with my husband), then I would hope I could be confident enough in knowing that he would be there to support me and work with me to get through it. And vice-versa.

5. I don't know -- Lol, I have no definite opinion on this. I'd like to say "true" because sex is a wonderful part of marriage, but "false" because it's not the end-all, be-all dealbreaker. I don't think I could ever imagine myself ending my marriage over lack of "good sex." I would hope that if we ever encountered a problem in this area of our marriage that getting counseling or medical help would either solve the problem or at least help us find ways around it that are just as gratifying.

[iam1butterfly]

"...Love means never having to say you're sorry."

sorry Special M, I just couldn't resist that quote!

1. Do opposites attract?
... it can happen; but usually not. Ordinarily, it's our commonalities that peak our interests and on which we form our social and inter-personal connection.

2. Love is a feeling?
... yes, and speaking strictly for myself, it's a highly distracted/ stupid idiot kind of feeling.

3. Should one's partner be one's best friend?
... that would be the ideal scenario; but, unfortunately, it doesn't always happen.

4. Life crisis impact on relationships?
... yes, under a crisis situation, personalities can change like night and day. And, that change can have a definite, and often negative, impact on how one relates to one's partner.

5. The importance of good sex in a relationship?
... sexual compatibility is essential, at least in my relationships, as it's an outward expression of inner passions and desires... on a deeper and more meaningful level, it's an expression of love, acceptance and approval.

[p123p456]

1. Opposites attract.  True - my boyfriend and I are very similar in interest, but TOTAL opposites emotionally, religiously, etc.
2. Love is a feeling. True
3. Your partner should be your best friend.  True
4. Life crisis will destroy a relationship. False - I can't see any life crisis short of cheating or murder that would automatically destroy a relationship. I believe that almost ANYTHING can be talked through and salvaged!
5. Good sex is important for a lasting relationship. True