Aa
The good vs. The Bad
Ever since Ive known myself, people have always wondered one thing, "why are you friends with him/her?" The person they speak of, in their eyes, is usually the worse person for someone as "sweet" as me to become friends with. I dig deeper than the surface and I make it my duty. I see much further than the promiscuous lifestyle, the hurtful nature and the deceitful mentality. I judge people based on the GOOD in them, the kind ways, the gracious giving and the determined spirit within them. I used to think that made me a wonderful person, I used to believe that the world needs people like me because there is so much abrasiveness and put downs on Earth, that God put me here to make a difference in the lives of others. To dig deeper than what the eye can see and to use my "personality detector" to help others see what only my magnetic eyes see. I was wrong.
No matter how much I be the loyal, loving person, always bending over backwards to ensure that others can rely on me. Constantly moving heaven and earth to take care of a person in need, I still end up alone. So, I relayed these thoughts to my cousin and she said, "Anna, I have noticed this personality in you and often wondered if you are a much better person than me, if all humans are supposed to be like you because you do good things and your forgiving heart exceeds my expectations every time...and then I hear you cry. I hear the heartbreak in your voice every time a friend leaves you hanging, I see the hurt in your eyes every time you need a friend and there is none to be found even though everyone seems to find you when they need a friend and that's when I realized I felt bad for you." Her words got me thinking: Is it that I need to become a b itch? Is it that I need to be more firmer when it comes to others? I have come to grips long ago that the good in people does not weigh out the bad. The bad ways are right there on the surface, the bad ways are what they portray and that's what they should be judged by, they cannot be judged based on the good because its hidden! Everyone has BAD ways but if the good ways are what is brought out, then that's what everyone will see.
You know what I find funny? My friends will tell me that I am too "soft" and that I need to "toughen up". Yet, they find me when they are having problems, when they need a shoulder to cry on, when they need a friend to lean on. Should I become "hard" and "toughen up" towards them? I am so and tired of being me, I have been posting on here for awhile and I have gotten great help from person like specialmom and Londres who are there for me all the time. Why am I so damn unable to apply the message? I am not trying to be stubborn or uncaring in any way to these ladies, I rather appreciate and respect their help ANYTIME but there is something inside of me that stops me from cutting off bad people and stop picking up new ones.
My ex was horrible, as of now he hasn't even come to see Kat in two months! If he has money or snacks for her, he SENDS them with one of his pathetic little minions to deliver it like a f&&**@@ UPS service. It gripes at me but I am thankful that I love her the way I do, because I know she would end up like me, hopscotching from person to person looking for love and receiving nothing! While I was with him, he neglected and rejected me constantly! Then I found 'friends' and because of that I was able to to let him go. They loved me so damn much kmt! I believed them when they promised to comfort me and see me through the rain and light my way and all the other sweet bull s hit they claimed. It was all a lie, they just needed someone to f uck until they got bored, a game piece in the puzzle of a f ucked up life.
I am angry.
Anna
No matter how much I be the loyal, loving person, always bending over backwards to ensure that others can rely on me. Constantly moving heaven and earth to take care of a person in need, I still end up alone. So, I relayed these thoughts to my cousin and she said, "Anna, I have noticed this personality in you and often wondered if you are a much better person than me, if all humans are supposed to be like you because you do good things and your forgiving heart exceeds my expectations every time...and then I hear you cry. I hear the heartbreak in your voice every time a friend leaves you hanging, I see the hurt in your eyes every time you need a friend and there is none to be found even though everyone seems to find you when they need a friend and that's when I realized I felt bad for you." Her words got me thinking: Is it that I need to become a b itch? Is it that I need to be more firmer when it comes to others? I have come to grips long ago that the good in people does not weigh out the bad. The bad ways are right there on the surface, the bad ways are what they portray and that's what they should be judged by, they cannot be judged based on the good because its hidden! Everyone has BAD ways but if the good ways are what is brought out, then that's what everyone will see.
You know what I find funny? My friends will tell me that I am too "soft" and that I need to "toughen up". Yet, they find me when they are having problems, when they need a shoulder to cry on, when they need a friend to lean on. Should I become "hard" and "toughen up" towards them? I am so and tired of being me, I have been posting on here for awhile and I have gotten great help from person like specialmom and Londres who are there for me all the time. Why am I so damn unable to apply the message? I am not trying to be stubborn or uncaring in any way to these ladies, I rather appreciate and respect their help ANYTIME but there is something inside of me that stops me from cutting off bad people and stop picking up new ones.
My ex was horrible, as of now he hasn't even come to see Kat in two months! If he has money or snacks for her, he SENDS them with one of his pathetic little minions to deliver it like a f&&**@@ UPS service. It gripes at me but I am thankful that I love her the way I do, because I know she would end up like me, hopscotching from person to person looking for love and receiving nothing! While I was with him, he neglected and rejected me constantly! Then I found 'friends' and because of that I was able to to let him go. They loved me so damn much kmt! I believed them when they promised to comfort me and see me through the rain and light my way and all the other sweet bull s hit they claimed. It was all a lie, they just needed someone to f uck until they got bored, a game piece in the puzzle of a f ucked up life.
I am angry.
Anna
COMMUNITY LEADER
Anna, that makes perfect sense and is very intuitive about what is going on with you. Now you know. Now you work on changing it. You have your beautiful daughter . . . which means you are wanted, loved and needed by someone very special for the rest of your life.
Ya know what, I'll go out on a limb here and say that you are depressed. The best treatment for depression is a combination of lifestyle, medication, and talk therapy. Okay, no insurance for talk therapy---------- what about medication. Can you see a doctor for depression?? Can you take a medication. Newer antidepressents are pretty tolerable and often benefit outweighs side effects. In your case, I think it is essential to get rid of any chemical issues within your brain to help you deal with trying to move to a new phase and have a happy life. And then lifestyle, that is something you can have within your control as well. Put your beautiful daughter in a stroller and go for a run/walk to get exercise (so good for us emotionally), do an exercise tape at home, eat healthy, surround yourself with good people that inspire you (yes, try that as they will make you want to raise your own bar, I promise), etc. And if you have any access to a clinic setting, a psychiatrist often can provide more than medication but some talk therapy as well. Not as frequently as a psychologist but take whatever you can take.
If you go to school ----- universities/colleges often have counseling services for students. I'd do your best to get your degree either way so that financially you will be in a place to get a job that pays more and provides insurance for mental health needs.
I wish you luck. you break my heart a bit dear and hope that you find the peace and love you so long for.
Ya know what, I'll go out on a limb here and say that you are depressed. The best treatment for depression is a combination of lifestyle, medication, and talk therapy. Okay, no insurance for talk therapy---------- what about medication. Can you see a doctor for depression?? Can you take a medication. Newer antidepressents are pretty tolerable and often benefit outweighs side effects. In your case, I think it is essential to get rid of any chemical issues within your brain to help you deal with trying to move to a new phase and have a happy life. And then lifestyle, that is something you can have within your control as well. Put your beautiful daughter in a stroller and go for a run/walk to get exercise (so good for us emotionally), do an exercise tape at home, eat healthy, surround yourself with good people that inspire you (yes, try that as they will make you want to raise your own bar, I promise), etc. And if you have any access to a clinic setting, a psychiatrist often can provide more than medication but some talk therapy as well. Not as frequently as a psychologist but take whatever you can take.
If you go to school ----- universities/colleges often have counseling services for students. I'd do your best to get your degree either way so that financially you will be in a place to get a job that pays more and provides insurance for mental health needs.
I wish you luck. you break my heart a bit dear and hope that you find the peace and love you so long for.
Thank you guys for your great help AS USUAL. I believe I have figured out the issue and I would like to share it with all of you.
I am not a happy person. Simple. I am sad most days, I cry more than I can say the word 'tears'. I feel like if I find a 'normal' friend, they would grow tired of my 'debbie downer' ways. Its not like I wake up and say 'tomorrow I shall be sad', it just happens. The biggest part of my depression is the loneliness. Everytime I am alone I think of the most horrible things. Its like every bad thing that people have said or done to me, when I'm alone I keep thinking, "noone loves me", "my life is empty" etc. So I surround myself with other damaged people. Helping them makes me feel better about myself and they won't judge me for being a sad version of a person.
I feel like with 'normal' people I have nothing to offer, plus seeing others so put together and strong makes me feel weaker and really inferior. To see them so happy and alright makes me feel so small and bad about myself. Its so pathetic, so EXTREMELY EXTREMELY pathetic but I just want someone to want me. So I surround myself with people who need my help.
Does that make any sense? Does that make me dumb?
Londres, I am trying to find somewhere, Ive called every counselling place in the yellow pages and NOTHING, they all charge the kind of money I do not have.
Anna
I am not a happy person. Simple. I am sad most days, I cry more than I can say the word 'tears'. I feel like if I find a 'normal' friend, they would grow tired of my 'debbie downer' ways. Its not like I wake up and say 'tomorrow I shall be sad', it just happens. The biggest part of my depression is the loneliness. Everytime I am alone I think of the most horrible things. Its like every bad thing that people have said or done to me, when I'm alone I keep thinking, "noone loves me", "my life is empty" etc. So I surround myself with other damaged people. Helping them makes me feel better about myself and they won't judge me for being a sad version of a person.
I feel like with 'normal' people I have nothing to offer, plus seeing others so put together and strong makes me feel weaker and really inferior. To see them so happy and alright makes me feel so small and bad about myself. Its so pathetic, so EXTREMELY EXTREMELY pathetic but I just want someone to want me. So I surround myself with people who need my help.
Does that make any sense? Does that make me dumb?
Londres, I am trying to find somewhere, Ive called every counselling place in the yellow pages and NOTHING, they all charge the kind of money I do not have.
Anna
Rockrose's analogy about the "stray cat" makes complete sense.
Perhaps you are looking at people in the "potential" of what they can be with your help and time and looking past what they truly are and how they want to be. It like trying to find used and damaged goods, i.e. a second hand couch or table, and then taking them home in the hopes of restoring them to the greatness or beauty they once were. Seems like you are doing this with people. Hey, if I see someone is 90% evil and 10% good, well I don't want that for myself because I don't think I deserve that nor do I want to make life harder for myself. I am not going to waste my time and effort trying to "dig" the 10% good out of them more because I know its there. NO THANKS.
Plus, damaged people will have a propensity to gravitate to other damaged people. People gravitate to people and situations that they are comfortable with; that they are used to. This is not unusual and it is not always a bad thing especially if it's not wrecking havoc on you and your life. If it is causing chaos, heartache, problems, etc. then obviously you should be trying to figure out why you are doing this and trying to figure out a way to step out of this familiar unhealthy way of life.
Actually, if this could be channeled into another direction; into an occupation such as a nurse or a teacher (occupations that would put you in a positive position to help others), you would be AWESOME, however, you would have to curtail this in your personal life which I am not sure you could do.
You can't find any free counselling at all Anna?
Perhaps you are looking at people in the "potential" of what they can be with your help and time and looking past what they truly are and how they want to be. It like trying to find used and damaged goods, i.e. a second hand couch or table, and then taking them home in the hopes of restoring them to the greatness or beauty they once were. Seems like you are doing this with people. Hey, if I see someone is 90% evil and 10% good, well I don't want that for myself because I don't think I deserve that nor do I want to make life harder for myself. I am not going to waste my time and effort trying to "dig" the 10% good out of them more because I know its there. NO THANKS.
Plus, damaged people will have a propensity to gravitate to other damaged people. People gravitate to people and situations that they are comfortable with; that they are used to. This is not unusual and it is not always a bad thing especially if it's not wrecking havoc on you and your life. If it is causing chaos, heartache, problems, etc. then obviously you should be trying to figure out why you are doing this and trying to figure out a way to step out of this familiar unhealthy way of life.
Actually, if this could be channeled into another direction; into an occupation such as a nurse or a teacher (occupations that would put you in a positive position to help others), you would be AWESOME, however, you would have to curtail this in your personal life which I am not sure you could do.
You can't find any free counselling at all Anna?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sadly Anna, I also agree with Rockrose. You work hard to dig deep past the rotten exterior of people but so very very often, you've been burned by them. I would hold some standards about who your friends are. I always have and it has served me well. It doesn't mean that I look down on people or judge them . . . but I find people that lift me up and make me want to be a better person. It would be difficult to look at someone that hurt others, lived a useless life, had habits that I don't agree with and feel like I have anything in common with them or that I want to. I can find common ground with anyone---- that is not what I'm talking about . . . but people tend to gravitate to others that they feel comfortable with.
Why is it you think you feel most comfortable with those with issues? I am thinking that you still have some work to do on feeling like you deserve healthy, happy people in your life and feeling like you have as much in common with 'healthy' people as you do with unhealthy.
Does that make sense?
When someone sets a low bar for themselves such as these people that you've befriended---- it keeps your bar lower. It's a comfortable place for you. You deserve a good life Anna with good people in it. Peace
Why is it you think you feel most comfortable with those with issues? I am thinking that you still have some work to do on feeling like you deserve healthy, happy people in your life and feeling like you have as much in common with 'healthy' people as you do with unhealthy.
Does that make sense?
When someone sets a low bar for themselves such as these people that you've befriended---- it keeps your bar lower. It's a comfortable place for you. You deserve a good life Anna with good people in it. Peace
Yes, I have to concur with Rockrose, I was thinking along the same lines. And I could not have put it as well as she.
Kayannaboo, I see this in a different light, and since I don't know you, I'm just going to throw this out and see if it resonates.
In my life, people like you who are bringing home "stray cats" for friends (a figure of speech) tend to be uncomfortable with true equals, and don't think they really have much to offer an equal healthy friend relationship. To them, the thought of asking someone who seems dynamic and confident and successful to lunch, or out on a walk, makes them very uncomfortable. It's much more comfortable to see some broken sparrow and then the relationship begins on the basis of "I'll be the helper and you be the grateful recipient". But it doesn't work that way. Broken little sparrows are that way for a reason, and will be like that forever.
I'm not referring to someone who's experiencing a rough time, or a temporary set back. I'm referring to people you seem to be describing, who basically have made a mess of their lives and continue to do that.
Often these "rescuers" are men, but often they are women too. They just don't think they have what it takes, or are somehow uncomfortable, with a friend who isn't desperately in need.
I hope that isn't insulting to you, I say it from the heart, because that's the way I was in high school. Gathering up stray cats and trying to turn them into normal friends.
Best wishes.
In my life, people like you who are bringing home "stray cats" for friends (a figure of speech) tend to be uncomfortable with true equals, and don't think they really have much to offer an equal healthy friend relationship. To them, the thought of asking someone who seems dynamic and confident and successful to lunch, or out on a walk, makes them very uncomfortable. It's much more comfortable to see some broken sparrow and then the relationship begins on the basis of "I'll be the helper and you be the grateful recipient". But it doesn't work that way. Broken little sparrows are that way for a reason, and will be like that forever.
I'm not referring to someone who's experiencing a rough time, or a temporary set back. I'm referring to people you seem to be describing, who basically have made a mess of their lives and continue to do that.
Often these "rescuers" are men, but often they are women too. They just don't think they have what it takes, or are somehow uncomfortable, with a friend who isn't desperately in need.
I hope that isn't insulting to you, I say it from the heart, because that's the way I was in high school. Gathering up stray cats and trying to turn them into normal friends.
Best wishes.
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However, there is nothing wrong with establishing your own boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. The fact of the matter is, we can strive to be like Christ, but we will never achieve His perfection, and He knows that. We are captive to a fallen world and just as human as the worst person on the face of the planet it God's eyes. What makes you different is if you recognize that in yourself and desire to make every effort to live by Christ's example and share his love. But you can't expect to change the world, and YOU can't expect to change people. Only God and each individual person is capable of changing between the two of them--you can simply be a catalyst but really, it stops at that. What you have to be at peace with is knowing you are trying your best, doing what you can, and feel right before God about it.
So yes, the world needs more people like who we are and what we're willing to give, but it stops there for your part of it. Do what you can, without expecting to be a savior. You will overdo yourself if you put that on yourself and you will burn out and get depressed and angry.
Don't stop being the person you are, but rather, realign your faith and expectations of yourself. I think of it this way, from a Biblical perspective: "If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet." (Matthew 10:14)
Offer what you can, and if it is not accepted, move on without regret. There is a world full of people, and there are people out there like you and me who care, who will be around long-term and be there for you just as you are for them. I am 27 years old and I didn't start finding or forming those kinds of relationships with people until I was at least 23-24. Before then, anyone of your age range is still immature and figuring out who they are and where they're going in life. The majority of people your age do not know how to handle afflictions of others, crises, or hardships with maturity. It's not necessarily a fault. It's lack of life experience and maturity. Once people go through life changing events, depending on the amount of emotional affliction they face, they mature and gain experience and can begin to relate with others who go through similar ordeals. Usually people need to go through more than one life changing event to mature enough to relate to others' hardships.
So take it easy on yourself and know that you are doing a good thing, being there for people and loving and caring for them, even if you don't get it in return. One day, you will. Trust me. You have a lot of opportunity and potential to grow and make your own life changes and new friends in the next few years. And things will change, I can promise you that. Make of that change what you will by deciding who you want to be and how you want to treat people.
I hope that can bring you some peace of mind.