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The power of guilt - appreciate positive input
Notes
I find that, in troubling times, telling someone, or sharing an intimate regret may be therapeutic and “good” for the soul. At age 34, I learned that there are some things about myself I am simply not proud of. For all the efforts to establish and maintain a near-perfect persona, I am flawed. But everyone admits they are flawed to varying degrees. I have dealt with an enormous weight on my shoulders for nearly a year and several months now since my encounter with a woman who was not my wife. As soon as it was over, I felt immediately guilty. I felt disgusting. I felt like I went ahead and did something I swore to myself I would never do. To betray my wife, whom I love and hold in high regard, was despicable. Such an act would surprise my own mother and everyone who looked up to me as the “good guy”. Now, I hold a secret that I’m just an *******. Just another ******* man. I hate myself. I hate what I did and that I could’ve risked it all. The encounter was brief and protected. I was stupid, but not crazy. At first, I just felt guilt for the act itself. She didn’t strike me as a high risk individual (divorced mother of 3 young kids) but who can ever know? We have had repeated conversations before and after over the course of a year, with me freaking out about catching something from our one time encounter. Repeatedly I was told she was 100% clean even though those are just words and who could ever know for sure. I decided I had enough and got tested after 8 months of the encounter for every STD under the sun including HIV. Everything came back negative except for HSV-1 oral (I’ve gotten small sores in my mouth way before this encounter and remember when it started too, a long time ago) which I probably had for years and Hepatitis A but that was contracted within 2 weeks of the test and likely from our child who goes to daycare. So I managed to not get any STD’s from this one time protected vaginal encounter. How lucky am I? Well the truth is, there is a punishment here. It’s just not in the form of disease. It’s the thought of what could’ve happened. How I could have ruined everything. The thought that any time my wife gets sick with any garden variety virus, I somehow think it was me who did that. We moved from Florida to the wild west ‘burbs of Georgia and ever since winter has set in, my wife has developed sinusitis and bronchitis. None of the doctors think it’s any more than that as everyone here that relocated from elsewhere deals with this every winter. It seems like everyone here is sick at one point or another. The ironic thing, I don’t get sick much at all. Yet, I AM the one constantly checking my body for symptoms. Worrying about a disease I don’t have. Insane isn’t it? Anytime , my wife or daughter catch a common cold, I’m looking things up on the Internet like a maniac. My wife rolls her eyes. She thinks I’m a hypochondriac. She’s right.
I have been seeing a therapist for the above issue for over a month now. It’s a start. I realize what I’ve done was wrong. I also realize I have no desire to ever do it again. What a sobering experience this was. My therapist agrees that telling my wife wouldn’t help matters at this point and that focusing on being the “good guy” I was once was should be my goal. I sure am trying. My wife did nothing wrong. This is not a habitual problem but simply a one-time error. I welcome anyone’s perspective on this. Normally, I don’t mind positive and negative feedback as I know what I did was unacceptable. Please understand that I have not repeated the act and I do not believe in “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I feel like a changed man. I know, in my heart, I won’t do this again. So, with that said, I appreciate your thoughts, especially from a female’s perspective. Try to go easy on me. I’ve already admitted a fault. Let’s not pour salt on the wound ok?
Oh and I have already done my research on STD’s. I tested above and beyond any window period for any disease and this encounter was protected. Some people on here like to scare posters with inaccurate information. I really don't want to hear any of that. My wife is well aware of my lab results so there's no secret there.
I find that, in troubling times, telling someone, or sharing an intimate regret may be therapeutic and “good” for the soul. At age 34, I learned that there are some things about myself I am simply not proud of. For all the efforts to establish and maintain a near-perfect persona, I am flawed. But everyone admits they are flawed to varying degrees. I have dealt with an enormous weight on my shoulders for nearly a year and several months now since my encounter with a woman who was not my wife. As soon as it was over, I felt immediately guilty. I felt disgusting. I felt like I went ahead and did something I swore to myself I would never do. To betray my wife, whom I love and hold in high regard, was despicable. Such an act would surprise my own mother and everyone who looked up to me as the “good guy”. Now, I hold a secret that I’m just an *******. Just another ******* man. I hate myself. I hate what I did and that I could’ve risked it all. The encounter was brief and protected. I was stupid, but not crazy. At first, I just felt guilt for the act itself. She didn’t strike me as a high risk individual (divorced mother of 3 young kids) but who can ever know? We have had repeated conversations before and after over the course of a year, with me freaking out about catching something from our one time encounter. Repeatedly I was told she was 100% clean even though those are just words and who could ever know for sure. I decided I had enough and got tested after 8 months of the encounter for every STD under the sun including HIV. Everything came back negative except for HSV-1 oral (I’ve gotten small sores in my mouth way before this encounter and remember when it started too, a long time ago) which I probably had for years and Hepatitis A but that was contracted within 2 weeks of the test and likely from our child who goes to daycare. So I managed to not get any STD’s from this one time protected vaginal encounter. How lucky am I? Well the truth is, there is a punishment here. It’s just not in the form of disease. It’s the thought of what could’ve happened. How I could have ruined everything. The thought that any time my wife gets sick with any garden variety virus, I somehow think it was me who did that. We moved from Florida to the wild west ‘burbs of Georgia and ever since winter has set in, my wife has developed sinusitis and bronchitis. None of the doctors think it’s any more than that as everyone here that relocated from elsewhere deals with this every winter. It seems like everyone here is sick at one point or another. The ironic thing, I don’t get sick much at all. Yet, I AM the one constantly checking my body for symptoms. Worrying about a disease I don’t have. Insane isn’t it? Anytime , my wife or daughter catch a common cold, I’m looking things up on the Internet like a maniac. My wife rolls her eyes. She thinks I’m a hypochondriac. She’s right.
I have been seeing a therapist for the above issue for over a month now. It’s a start. I realize what I’ve done was wrong. I also realize I have no desire to ever do it again. What a sobering experience this was. My therapist agrees that telling my wife wouldn’t help matters at this point and that focusing on being the “good guy” I was once was should be my goal. I sure am trying. My wife did nothing wrong. This is not a habitual problem but simply a one-time error. I welcome anyone’s perspective on this. Normally, I don’t mind positive and negative feedback as I know what I did was unacceptable. Please understand that I have not repeated the act and I do not believe in “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I feel like a changed man. I know, in my heart, I won’t do this again. So, with that said, I appreciate your thoughts, especially from a female’s perspective. Try to go easy on me. I’ve already admitted a fault. Let’s not pour salt on the wound ok?
Oh and I have already done my research on STD’s. I tested above and beyond any window period for any disease and this encounter was protected. Some people on here like to scare posters with inaccurate information. I really don't want to hear any of that. My wife is well aware of my lab results so there's no secret there.
Thank you all for your input. I was on the fence about posting this but my therapist told me the only harm could be the judgment. Having read all of these responses, from women, has comforted me a little bit. I still feel ashamed of what I did but do work diligently day after day to put it past me. It's amazing how much anxiety this has produced long after the fact that I realized that there were no negative consequences other than my guilty conscience. My encounter was one time only and will remain that way. I know it in my heart. I can't imagine how guys can continue to do this. I guess I'm just not that kind of person. I grew up honest, never cheating (before this), never stealing and always honest and friendly. I was a good guy. And I know, in time, I could be a good guy again. RockRose, I will look into that book you suggested. A good read right now would do me some good. Again, thank you all for your time.
abnga, your post reminds me of a novel entitled A Son of the Circus, by John Irving, my very favorite writer of all time.
One of the characters is a missionary who flogs himself. He feels such guilt over his transgressions that he purposely puts himself in uncomfortable positions in life, and also actually beats himself with whips. He travels with these whips in his suitcase actually. At one point, he moved to Bombay where he felt like that was punishment enough so he left his whips behind. The heavy shroud of guilt he bore sounds like your writing.
Maybe you should read it? If you've never read John Irving before it's a real walk on the wild side, and will change your life.
Seriously, I think you should try to give this up and come out of the cocoon of self-loathing.
One of the characters is a missionary who flogs himself. He feels such guilt over his transgressions that he purposely puts himself in uncomfortable positions in life, and also actually beats himself with whips. He travels with these whips in his suitcase actually. At one point, he moved to Bombay where he felt like that was punishment enough so he left his whips behind. The heavy shroud of guilt he bore sounds like your writing.
Maybe you should read it? If you've never read John Irving before it's a real walk on the wild side, and will change your life.
Seriously, I think you should try to give this up and come out of the cocoon of self-loathing.
The problem with doing something like this, is exactly what you are experiencing. It is a slow torturous existence when you are so paranoid about the possible complications of ones actions. I think no one need pound you while your down. It sounds like you have been miserable and sorry enough. Forgive yourself now and love the wife the way you have come to understand that she deserves. If you didn't end up with some std or something that can affect her in any way, I agree you should keep it to yourself. Its not going to make you feel any better to hurt her at this point. Gee I don't believe I even said that, but you have paid and now its time to move on.
I am glad you are getting help. The pain of carrying a secret that could one day destroy your marriage has to weigh heavily upon you. It sounds to me like you have learned your lesson a hard one at that. I to think you need to stop focusing on the past and pour into your future with your family but be aware that one day this may come out so you need to build a strong solid relationship with your wife so if and when it does she will feel secure in her future with you.
Being that I have been a victim of my fiance's affair I can honestly say that do whatever you possibly can to keep this from your wife and to do your best to make it up to her. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I do think people learn their lessons in life and I do believe you've learned yours. Forget about what you've done and so you can focus all your attention on being the best husband and father. Good luck.
Jo, thank you for your kind words. I think you're right. The worst punishment is that I will carry this guilt in my mind until a time comes when I am at peace with myself. I'm working very hard to get back to that place. I learned alot about myself.
I really do think that you have learned the lesson the hard way, and i beleive that now you will stick to your vows and make a wonderful husband and father, this may have been something you needed to learn, so go in peace and make your family happy luck jo
Thank you for listening. I dont know why I decided to log on and share. Knowing I could face backlash. I have indeed learned a lesson. Probably the most important lesson ever. I dont deserve a medal. Not looking for it. My therapist is helping but things take time as you can imagine. I did so many right things in life up to this point. I have provided a roof over my family's head, security, and most of all love. And yet, I can't forgive myself. That will be the hardest goal to achieve. My therapist is helping me do that. In addition to all this, I am dealing with my father on chemo for an aggressive cancer. So many great things have happened in my life. Meeting my wife, having our first child. And yet, I can't let go of one mistake and enjoy my life.
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Well, I guess I'm glad you let off steam . . . Doesn't your therapist help with that? Many learn from their mistakes-------- some the hard way and some the easy way (you). Now you can focas your attention on your wife and children. Instead of putting energy into lamenting the past, worrying about std's you've already ruled out, etc. etc. etc.--------- put your energy into the family. You can examine what was amiss with your relationship to cause you to stray or amiss in your own moral character------ but do that only to understand what went wrong and how to fix it. No man will ever get a medal in my book for having cheated and learning a lesson. You'll always be a guy who cheated and you'll have to live with that. That will never go away. But I will wish a man luck who learns his lesson and never repeats it. So, good luck!
I'm a new parent so it took my a while to realize how many germs kids bring home from daycare.
Thats exactly what this post was about. Letting it out. The labs were taken when I went for a checkup. I never got tested for anything other than my yearly physicals before my wife and I met so I thought it would make sense to do so. Thats how I explained it to her. My daughter had gotten sick from daycare the weekend before I went for my tests and I thought I was getting sick so I figured while I was there, I'd get tested for everything. Does this make sense?
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