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To April2 and Mayflowers
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To April2 and Mayflowers

Hey there! I have to post this to you two because I think you're the ones I can best relate to.
Okay, since gaining the backbone to end my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and boot him out of my house, I've felt very confident in my decision. I have felt no guilt or insecurity. I gave him a deadline to be out by Saturday. If he's not, he's up for a rude awakening.
Anyways, I went home this afternoon on my lunch hour to get something I forgot. He was there, as he doesn't have to be gone till Saturday.
Before I left, he told me that he's not cut out to be a family guy, a husband, or a dad. He likes to party and hang out with his friends and live the way he wants (this is what he said verbatem). But he said I have to give him credit for "trying," b/c he was home every night at midnight (he works the night shift), he has moved away from his family to AL for me, and he has been dependable.
So he was home almost every night and moved here of his own free will for me and he's dependable--whoop-de-flippin'-do. My problem that he just *does not get* is he's disrespectful, aggressive, mean, incompassionate, selfish and oblivious to people's emotional needs.
Everything is all about him, what he does for people, what benefits him, what he wants to do. He does things to make him look good and self-sacraficial to others, but it's never for the sake of just doing it. He wouldn't do anything self-sacraficial if he didn't have to impress anyone. He even said it himself, he wants to live the way he wants. For instance, going to church. He would go b/c I would want him to, but he doesn't want to be there and wouldn't be if I wasn't interested. It wouldn't even cross his mind if it wasn't important to me or his family. It's all for the good impression.
And the fact that he moved to AL for me. Sure he did, b/c I've been the only person in his life who's been linient, forgiving, "understandable" (or rather, enabling) and taken his irresponsible and disrespectful cr*p over and over. Why not follow something like that, esp. considering that I had great opportunities that I'd worked for in my very near future? And look what he tried to gain from moving here--living in my house, financially responsible to me only for half the utilities and child support (a pitiful amount, less than $150/month).
But heaven forbid I disagree with him or confront him about something *I* have a concern about, like him being a slob in my home, asking him not to yell and swear at me, esp. in front of our son, not to belittle my family (even if they are kinda nuts), and to respect my pets. Is that asking too much? It must be for him, b/c for 8 years he hasn't changed or made much of an effort.
My issue furthers here not for my sake, but for my son's. He admitted to not being cut out to be a dad, yet he said recently that he won't move back to CO b/c he can't "abandon" his son (yet the day before, he was telling me there was no stopping him moving back). Again, I think he wants to maintain a "good impression;" it's not about his son.
To me, it makes no difference where he goes. But either way, I really believe my son will be affected negatively.
His dad goes, then yes, that's abandonment. My son'll have the same issues and questions in a few years and throughout his life that I have about my dad: Why did he move so far away? Why doesn't he want to see me more often or contact me more often? Why doesn't he care about my interests? Don't I matter to him?
His dad stays, not much difference, knowing his father's ways: Why does dad not see me more often? (in the past, I've always been the one to make arrangements for him to spend personal time with his child, he's never once initiated personal visitation without wanting me there) Why doesn't he really care what I say or make an effort to understand me? Why does he get so mad at me all the time? Why does he tease and taunt me? (he does this to my 12 year old sister and his brother) Why does he seem to not want to have me with him for more than a few hours?
So I guess my concern is this--I do everything for my son, and enjoy being his mommy. But I need to prepare myself to handle the emotional pain and confusion he's going to have about his dad in the very near future. It kills me to know that I can't protect him from the way his dad will make him feel some day.
I don't ever want to say anything bad about his dad, but what can I say that will be comforting, good, or neutral? How can I help him keep his emotions strong when his dad will, at some point, neglect and/or taunt his emotional needs?
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203342 tn?1328740807
He sounds very immature. At least he was being honest with you about not ready to settle down, be a father, etc. That's a plus. I think he does care about his son on some level,and even you, but he cares more about himself. People who bilittle others and taunt and put down are very insecure people. It's a way of building himself up and trying to stay in control.
I think you are wise to ask him to leave. He may be your son's biological dad but he is not a good influence on him (or you). Anybody can make a baby. It takes a real man to be a father. It's not an easy job as you well know. Once you have children you have to put their needs first.
I think he gets mad at you because he sees that you've made something of your life and he's still floating along. You are a threat to him.
If he's not all that interested in your son, you can petition the court to get full custody with limited visitation.
Don't torment yourself with how you think your son will react to all of this. He has a wonderful, supporting mother who is very intuned to his needs. He's going to be fine. More than half of all kids nowadays live in a one parent home. You're young, too. You have a very good chance that you will meet someone someday that will love and adore you and your son. I have a wonderful stepfather that I love dearly and consider him more of a father than my real dad. I haven't seen my real dad since I was little and even though I have some curiosity, I could live without him. My stepdad is the only dad I've ever known. He's the one who was always there for me. He's the one who walked me down the aisle when I got married. If you're worried that your son needs a father figure in his life, try and find someone you trust to fill that need, whether it be a brother, an uncle, etc. Just make sure you trust that person with your life! When he gets older, he can get involved with things like boy scouts, etc. where he will have men leaders to look up to.
You never know, either, your boyfriend (or exboyfriend) may finally grow up in the next few years or more. He may realize that he really does want to know his son. I wouldn't hold my breath but you never know. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do (the boyfriend not your son!).
You are giving your son a wonderful gift. So many people try and make the child choose sides so they talk bad about the other parent. You don't want to do that. When he's old enough to start questioning where his dad is, just be honest. Tell him that daddy was just too young and needed to grow up some more. Tell him that daddy just didn't realize what a wonderful boy he is. I don't know. You'll think of something to say when the time is right.
Oh, and Melcognito, you can't protect your children from everything. I've realized that the hard way.They will have pain and sadness in this life. All we can do as parents is to be there for them and shower them with love. The bumps we have in life are what make us stronger, more compassionate. Your son is very lucky to have such a caring, loving mother! He's well ahead of many of his peers in that aspect. Just keep loving him, spending quality time with him. That means more than anything else you can give him. I hope any of this helps! God bless.
Avatar f tn
I want to get my thoughts straight so will be posting more later.  

I will say that I have an aunt who had 2 sons with her first husband.  Your ex sounds alot like my aunt's ex.  Anyway, to make a long story short, the guy left and she basically raised her boys on her own.  They are awesome people today.  Both of them graduated college, have great jobs, married and now have children of their own.   They are also well adjusted and caring people.  They see their father once in a while but I guess they learned that he can only do so much.  They know that their mother did the most for them while their dad showed up once in a while.

People are only capable of giving what they feel compelled to give others.  Once you realize this, nobody can let you down.  I've met a lot of men that were limited in their generosity of their time or love.  I used to take stuff so personally but have realized that it's not me, it's them and there is not anything I can do about it.  It's freeing once you realize this.   When you meet someone that can give and wants to give, and you want him too, that's the one to keep.

I just saw a great saying:  "Don't worry about people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."   To me, this one says a lot.

I'll post more later.  I can already tell by the way you write that you're a great mommy and your son is one lucky little boy!!!!
blessings, may
203342 tn?1328740807
Wow, well put, Mayflowers! I love that saying.
I just thought of something too. My sister has basicaly raised her two boys all by herself since they were 2 and 4 years old. Her ex was very immature too. They married at 18 and 19 years old (way too young). Anyway, he didn't want to give up his single ways either. In fact, he was cheating on my sister since the honeymoon basically. My sister was devestated. He was her first and only. She had a hard time letting go at first. He was very charming, but also controling. She finally had the guts to divorce him. Things were rough at first, mostly financially. He wasn't so great on the child support. But you know what? She got the kids and raised two fine boys. They are now 19 and 21. They've never been in trouble with the law, never did drugs. They both have jobs and the oldest is married now. They also are very close to their mother and visit her and call her regularly. They are very caring, compassionate young men with the youngest being in the Army Reserves. So please don't think you are depriving your son or doing him a diservice if you have to raise him on your own. You are a good mother who cares about her child and he will know that and be secure in that. Bless you!
Avatar n tn
Thank you so much for letting me vent and share my concerns with you guys.
Mayflowers, I really like that quote you threw in; you're right, it does say a lot! I never thought of it that way.
Thing is, I know the best thing for my little guy (and for me) is to no longer be with my ex (I'll call him "J"). I know he cares about us and loves us on a certain level, like April2 said, but I think I've finally accepted that we are not put before his needs. I really don't think he realizes this himself, though, and I'm sick of trying to convince him.
I guess the guilt that I do feel is that this is the man that is my child's father. I somehow feel compelled to apologize to my son (I'll call him "T") for the fact that J is his dad. But what would that accomplish? If J wasn't his dad, I wouldn't have T.
April2, you're right about not being able to protect your children from everything. Funny, it's so much easier to say that to someone else, as I did to you, than to accept it for your own child!
My fear is just having to face my past feelings through my son all over again someday. Those feelings of confusion, hurt, abandonment, anger. All that I felt about and towards my father, my step-father, and J. It's hard enough for me to block out or deal with, but knowing that T will at some point experience the same feelings just eats away at me, especially knowing that I'm responsible, in part, for what he'll experience. I just want to feel confident enough to keep him strong and hope that the circumstances won't affect him as deeply as they did me.
The one hope I give myself, however, is that I've become a stronger Christian through all this. I know that in my future, I won't be so insecure and apathetic about what I want in my life. In this past month, I've learned that it's okay to care about and love myself , and the more effort I've made to better my standards in life, the more confident I feel about *everything,* *especially* my relationship with Christ.
So I'm putting complete faith in God that a really wonderful man will become a part of my life, who is a strong Christian and a good provider in every aspect, and who will accept and love T as his own son. In all my life, I've never personally known a man like this, but I know they exist because I see them all the time in church (except all those guys are taken, lol). I think right now, though, this is a time for me to heal emotionally and find out just exactly who I am (that sounds so cliche, but it's so true).
Thanks again for all your support, ladies! It's such a pleasure talking to you two!
Avatar f tn
We must have posted at the same time!!!  I just sent my post and then saw your post!!!!
Avatar f tn
I think you can help your son by being a good example for him.  Keep your word, when you say you will do something, do it.  Be nice to people but don't let them walk all over you - have a backbone.  Be good example for your son - show him what good character is. Basically, don't lie, cheat or steal.  You are the one he is going to spend the most time with anyway.   If your son sees you getting all upset over stuff his dad does, he will too.  We don't have a choice over who we get for parents; we are dealt the ones we get and just have to deal with.  If you see that your ex isn't being responsible or a good example (partying alot, being irresponsible, etc.) you might need to get complete custody or at least have supervised visits with the ex.  Your son is still at an age where you can protect him from an obviously bad influence.  He is too young right now to be around someone who is abusive to his mother but when he gets older, he'll be able to rationalize that his dad is wrong to act that way.  He'll be able to see his father as a seperate person and not part of "him".  

April has a good point that you can't protect your child from all that's bad in this world.  He's going to get hurt, that's part of life, but you can help him learn to deal with it so that it makes him a better person.   Let your son know that his daddy loves him but that he has some issues he still needs to work out that have nothing whatsoever to do with your son.  The sooner he realizes that his dad's actions (or non-actions) are not his fault, the less time he will spend wondering "Is it me?  What did I do wrong?".

Talk to your son - spend time with him just having fun.  Laugh, play and enjoy life.  Life is hard and there are some harsh realities to be learned but I still think there is a lot to be thankful for and to enjoy.  You have overcome so much already and you're only 21!!!  If you get a chance, and you haven't already, read the Diary of Anne Frank.  It's an awesome book about a young girl who is so optimistic about people in the face of such terrible adversity.  It really opened my eyes to a new way of seeing the world.  

Maybe one day your ex will grow up and want to act like a mature adult.  We can hope that will be the case but if it's not, it's not the end of the world.  I've known some men that do wake up and realize that this is their kid and they need to do right by them.  It can happen so don't lose hope.  Never lose hope.

Avatar n tn
Oh, I thought I'd mention that I do have full custody of my son, and J is supposed to have scheduled, non-supervised visitation.
However, over the last two years, J has never shown any incentive to follow the visitation schedule, but has always wanted to make arrangements with me to visit or be with T. He has never wanted to do anything with T on his own, he always wants me to be there so I can "take care of the things he's not so good at."
AND, ever since I got full custody (when T was 4 mos old), J has wanted us to go back to court and get joint custody. And you'll never guess why...
So that he can claim T on his taxes. That's the #1 reason he wants joint custody.
I told him a few months back that if he wants to pursue jt. cust. with me, then he can do the work and spend the money. He would have to be the one to petition the court, get a lawyer, and convince them that he's capable of having jt. cust., because he has a criminal record by me for harrassment and domestic violence (he's never physically abused me, but the dom. vi. record was filed after he threatened my safety and T's when he showed up in a beligerant drunken state two yrs ago. I called 911, had him arrested, and he was tazered and taken to jail for a night).
Quite honestly, I don't think he has the motivation or the money to pursue it. And I doubt he'll care at all about following the visitation schedule if I'm not going to be a package deal with it anymore.
Avatar f tn
You're probably right. By keeping you in the picture with the visitation, he can continue to see and control you. If he wants joing custody,  then let him do the work for it.  Hopefully he will just drop it at this point.  

Avatar f tn
Hi, I just thought I would see how you were doing and let you know that I hope you are feeling better :o)  I read some of your posts about regret over this guy but I just wanted to say that w/o him, you wouldn't have your little boy so something really great came out of the relationship. He must have had some good qualities or you wouldn't have stayed so long.  Just nuture those qualities in your son.  I don't think any relationship is ever truly a complete mistake.  Listen, most of us have some regrets but if you can just learn from them (whatever kind of lessons they hold) and then move on gracefully, you'll be a better person for it all.  Someday you'll look back and be happy it all happened because if it didn't you wouldn't be who are today.  HTH, God Bless, May
Avatar n tn
Hi Mayflowers, thanks for your concern.
I've had a really rough week. I told J to be out of the house last Sat., and he left w/ nothing (except an excuse to come back). So I called him Sat. evening and said to call and let me know if he wanted to come by that night, or Sun. morning before I went to church, or to let me know if he wanted to arrange another time. He never called back.
Instead, he decided he'd go to my place Mon. afternoon w/out my knowledge and let himself in to get his stuff. But I had the door locked at the knob lock as well as the deadbolt (he only has a key to the deadbolt). He called me at work like six or seven times and then finally left a nasty msg. yelling he'd break my f****** door if I wasn't there in 10 min. to let him in. I called him back and told him if he broke into my house that I'd call the cops, and he says "Just get over here and let me in. I only want my stuff, you can't keep me from what I own. Now, I'll call you back when you've calmed yourself down and can be reasonable about this."
So when I got there, he tells me that he's going to take a shower b/c he hasn't had one in 3 days and he's living in his car thanks to me. I told him no, just get his stuff and leave, he can take a shower at a friend's house or anywhere else but here. Then he has the nerve to tell me that he *will* take a shower, and I can't do anything to stop him, and he wanted me to leave MY house while he took a shower b/c he didn't want me there and didn't want me to see him naked! I said "That's what doors are for, and I didn't say you could shower here, I want you to leave!" Then he started laughing at me and said he wanted to have sex w/ me and he grabbed me to force me to hug him. I pushed him away and he said "Aw c'mon. You look good. What's the matter with you? Why are you so hateful? Can I at least just grab your breast?" and he reached out to do that, and at that point I slapped his hand away and just left the house and went back to work. I was so upset that a co-worker took me back to my house shortly after that, and he and I told J that he had 10 min. to get his stuff and get out or the cops would be called. He *still* didn't take his stuff!
I was so worked up and freaked out that I spent the night at that co-worker's family's home and had my son's daycare teacher take him home with her. I only went home to put boxes of J's necessities outside in my carport if he came by again.
That was Monday.
Tues. was pretty much the same, except J called the cops on *me.* They came over to make sure he got his stuff, and they told me that I can't keep his stuff. I told them, with J standing right there, that I've given him darn near 4 weeks to get his stuff together and moved out of my house. I even packed it for him! But he refused to get it out, so I left what he really needed in the carport, to which J said that if he'd known his stuff was there he wouldn't have called the cops. They wanted to know what else he had, and I took them all inside and showed them that he has fairly valuable things that I wouldn't want to get stolen if I left them in the carport. J said he'd get that stuff next week (he left on Wed. morning to go to CO for a week to visit family). They told me to have it ready for him, and they told him that he definitely needs to get everything out of my house and basically leave me alone, except issues concerning our son.
So he's been gone since Wed. I think he's coming back Tues. (10th). I'll have everything ready and in the carport, I don't care what it is, it's not my stuff to be concerned about. I'm so sick of him controlling *everything* I do for his convenience! I should've called the cops when he was intruding in my home on Monday! But no--I was too scared of having to deal w/ his anger if I did call them.
Well I don't care anymore. I'll call them if he makes harrassing phone calls cussing me out again, or if he comes onto my property without my permission, or if he stalks me to try to intimidate me (all of which he's done in the past). I'll call the cops and press charges at any opportunity from now on. The only contact he needs to have w/ me at this point is to get his stuff, and after that, only for things that concern our son. Anything else and I DON'T CARE! If he bothers me or intimidates me or threatens me, I will never hesitate to stop it now. His control in my life is over.
Oh, and he really doesn't have any good qualities. I've realized everything w/ him is an act for his own benefit and self-image. He's a mean, selfish, incompassionate control freak who's successfully manipulated and controlled how I think and feel about him and our relationship for 8 years. Not anymore.

Whew, sorry for the rant. I've just had a *really* frustrating week. And now I'm having gastrointestinal problems that I had to see a doctor for this morning. I'm hoping it's just from the stress and it's nothing serious.
But you're right, I've gotten some good things from my experience w/ him--a beautiful, kind, loving, healthy little boy and a backbone (still in development, but gaining strength)!  :-)

I'll ttyl, but I won't have access to post anything until Mon. (9th). Thanks again for checking back w/ me!
Avatar f tn
I am sooo sorry to hear abt the way he has been acting!  That really sucks.  Sounds like he is off his rocker a bit :o(  Just give him back all his stuff so that there is no reason whatsoever for him to come back to your house.  At least keep the police on call so anything that needs to be documented is documented.  Hope you stay strong in Christ and continue to press forward with your new healthier life!  And yes, you are developing quite a strong backbone!!  Some of us never get one until we are in our 30's so look how far ahead you are!!!!  And your stomach issue is probably due to the stress, so hopefull the dr. can help you with that.  I'm praying for  your situation to get better soon!  Blessings, May
Avatar n tn
Thank you for your prayers, Mayflowers. The stomach problem might be serious, but I'm really hoping it's all due to stress. The good thing, however, is that the dr. basically guaranteed that I do not have cancer...I went in b/c I had the same symptoms my mom had when she was diagnosed w/ colon cancer. And colon cancer is genetic in some cases, so I was kinda freaked on Friday, but I feel much better knowing that the dr. seems 100% confident that it's not cancer.
I should know something today or tomorrow abt. my bloodwork test, and when they'll schedule me w/ a gastroenterologist for a colonoscopy. Like I said, it still might be something serious, even if it's not cancer. The dr. seems to think it may be the beginning signs of Crohn's (I really, really hope not--that to me would be almost as bad as cancer). But for now, I'm staying optimistic and refusing to worry. Prayer and faith are more effective for my health right now, so that's what I'll stick w/ doing!
Anyway, J should be coming back tomorrow. A friend of mine is coming over this evening to help me lift and move his stuff out of my house into the carport. Then I'll change the door locks. I have no idea when he's due back tomorrow. I just hope he's reasonable and considerate for once.
My son is really confused right now, the poor little guy. For the last three days, he's been asking me, "Where's Daddy?" and looking for him in the house at the times when J is usually there, like in the mornings or early afternoons on the weekends. I tell him that Daddy went bye-bye to CO, but he'll come back soon. Yesterday morning, he came into my room and said, "Momma, time to wake up!" and crawled up by my side and looked over my shoulder and said, "Daddy, wake up! Daddy? Momma, where's Daddy?"
I said, "Daddy's not here, but he will be back to see you soon." He thought I was kidding, b/c he said w/ a big grin, "Daddy's right there." (he thought the wrinkled blankets and pillow was J under the covers). I pulled back the covers and showed him that there was no one there, and he looked *heartbroken.* That reaction lasted for about 10 seconds, but still, to me it was difficult to see. I said, "You miss Daddy, huh? Don't worry, he will come back and see you pretty soon. Daddy loves you and misses you too."
Then I quickly distracted him w/ more playful thoughts and that we had to get ready to go to church to see our friends.
I know it won't take him too long to adapt to the situation that J doesn't live w/ us anymore (I mean, after all, J was hardly there when we were there when he did live there), but the mental struggle that I'm fighting is the blame J tried to put on me. He said that I'd better be honest w/ T and tell him that Daddy's not around b/c Mommy wanted it that way.
Thing is, I know it's best for J to be gone b/c he was horrible to me and a poor father for T. I won't blame myself for protecting us from the emotional anguish he would inflict, but it's hard not to b/c for so long, he successfully got me to blame myself for everything, even if he was the one at fault.
I'm staying strong though, and my son is helping me. All I have to do is think how he might turn out if I let J stay a part of his daily life--just like J or just like me w/ all my prior insecurities and depression. I won't let myself be responsible for causing my son to turn out either way...he deserves so much better and I'll provide a better situation for him, even if it's difficult to face at first.
Avatar f tn
Hey girl, I think your little boy is going to be just fine.  Don't let J put a guilt trip on you.  People that do that are really feeling guilty themselves so they try to project it on to other people in their lives to make themselves feel better.  You ARE doing the right thing getting that bad element out of your lives so that you can have a better life.  Until J can turn himself around and act like an adult, neither you nor your son need him around.

It's so normal for him to be asking for J but that will pass eventually. Even if you have to say mommy and daddy are going to live apart for now or daddy is moving back to wherever, just give him a reason so he won't expect to see J.  It's heartbreaking though isn't it? He'll be ok, really he will.  Like you said, if J were around, he would really be a bad role model for your son and you can't let that happen.    I really respect that about you.  Your son won't turn out like J, not the way you're raising him!!!!  I hope your stomach isn't too bad.  I work with a lady with Crohns.  She takes medication for it.  Still praying for you and your little boy!!  hugs, may
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