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To Marry or not?
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To Marry or not?

About 4 1/2 years ago I had started dating this man 17 yrs older than I. He seemed mature, funny, and calm. We met on line and dated for about 3 months gleefully. I told him I would not Marry unless I lived with the person first since my marriage had been bad and I felt you don't know the person till you live with them. So, he agreed to if we did things right..( Go to church, no sexual , yada, yada ). So I move in thinking he's honest. 3 months later were going to a Bible class and I'm doing our study on line while he's playing Tennis. I check out his emails since there open. I find out he's been emailing exes and flirting. He's been on dating websites, He's looked at porn and I found Gay porn too. I confront him and he says he's not gay and he does not know how they got there.  He also went to see an Ex girlfriend on my birthday week about a yr ago and I found out and threatend to move. He did not seem so sorry. He reads Gay politic articles so I thought he's gay. He says he will not do this any more. So, here it is the 5Th year and we are in counselling. He has made excuses like I would have married you by now if you did not have kids , even though they are grown and do not live with us. He said I don't know if the empathy I have for you for your past is real love, I don't like the dog ( a small dachshund ). He Say's he can't see his life with out me and He's fortunate to have me. We have been in 3 counselling class's and I think it's a ploy to keep me around or put off marriage. I did tell him I would not go do any more family events unless we were married...

I have thought he was Gay for many reasons. He does not like to french kiss, says it's messy. He likes chick flicks, his favorite singers are Whitney Houston, beyonce. No, He's not black. He talks with his hands, he's very picky, he's been single since his first divorce in 1995. He's always made excuses not to settle down with past girlfriends. He sits down to pee, He has a flower hanging over his fire place. He seemed to want life to stay like a roomate situation but with benefits. He wants to fool around but not have sexual intercourse..Strange for a straight guy to not want this after 4 1/2 yrs..He has yet to propose. He says in time he will, Ha! I have made amends to move August 31st. He will not be verbally intimate with me. He is very secretive and guarded. He dismisses things I ask or talk about. He laughs when I say anything sexual.
I told him I was moving this year if he did not want to marry.He said he wants to marry and let me buy him a ring
but has yet to propose. Our date is set for August 27th if he goes through with it. I want stability, but also want
to feel more loved and appreciated. He considers my requests to be complaining. What should I do?


15 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
You really just don't seem happy.  You said you wanted to love together to find out what he was really like and sadly, I think you know that he probably isn't the greatest catch.  I'd go ahead and cut your losses and find a better match for yourself.  good luck
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So u say the question is to marry or not to marry? Well first off if u have to ask ur self then its a no why I say that is because its the same thing as if someone asked; did I do this right if u question something its prabley not done right in ur case prabley means ur doubting it u never want to regrect something!!!
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134578_tn?1404951303
Whether he is gay or straight, he is not husband material unless you would simply like to be roommates.  In other words, what kind of marriage would it be?  It rather sounds like you provide cover for him.  Have you ever spoken to the person he divorced in 1995?  You might get a lot of insight there.

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480448_tn?1403547723
I agree with specialmom...there are too many doubts and I don't think you're happy.  I wouldn't go forward with a wedding, you'll be kicking yourself down the line.  Even if you don't leave him, there are way too many doubts for you to be taking that next step.
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I took this to mean You wanted to know Him before You marry Him------ which is why You lived with Him before marriage.  Wan't  that Your plan?

Well, You lived with Him
Now You know.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way You wanted but You have Your answer.

You've given it 5 Years!! - You've been in counseling 3x's.  You've given a long list of things You aren't happy with.   I think it would be a big mistake to marry.

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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi also. In some ways your  best friends. Many things you mention about him in my opinion are all to common with many men and its that the mate just hasent found out about it. Dabbling here courious there. People are people and have thoughts about many things in the quietness of there soul. They wonder about this and consider what it would be like to try that.

There are not set rules that are instinctual to the human endeavour but our behavior is more governed by the country we live and the social norms in place.

Is it bad to marry ones best friend? I dont see why not.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Unless, of course, you want a normal sex life, and someone who is open, communicative and easy to live with.  If that is the case, don't marry this "best friend."  Find a best friend you don't have to go through counseling with over and over.
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480448_tn?1403547723
Ditto Annie!!
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Thank you!
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think the point is that he's not your best friend.  This isn't just about sex but rather several incompatibilities.  I saw your comments as well on cheap men.  I gather that this relationship has run its course and I'd move on. good luck
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4851940_tn?1385441629
You ask "What should I do?"

My answer to you is "Run as fast as you can."

He will not change his ways once you marry.  It is not normal for a man not to want any sex in 4 and a half years.

He is 17 years older than you.  My uncle married a woman 17 years younger than him.  For the last 25 years of marriage she has been his carer.  He died less than 2 years ago and now she is living her life.  He would have been 85 and she is in her 60s.  

Don't stay with him, you will not have a happy married life going by what you have said with you living with him for the last four and half years.
I can't understand why you have been to counselling, as there is nothing to save.

You deserve far better.

At the end of the day it is your life and your decision.  

Best wishes.

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