To be or not to be?

Hi there,

I'm in a position where I could use some advice. I dated a guy for 3 years. At first everything was fine. Then the sexual dysfunction started and our sex life crashed. I have now found out that he has been addicted to porn since before we even got together. He admitted it to me after I caught him. He also has anger management issues and was mentally and emotionally abusive. Since I left him, he has enrolled in anger management classes and is also seeing a  shrink to work on his problems. He did get brave enough one night to ask me to hang in there and stand by him but he also knows that I want to be done with him so he's not pushing at all.

So here comes the problem. I did some serious research on porn and hookup websites, etc. Just in our state alone, there were 91,000 logins before 10am for a single hookup site (not porn!). That's more people than what is in my city total of  men, women and children combined. Moreover, it seems that every relationship I end, the guy goes out and improves their life in the areas that bothered me. One ex refused to get a job and was still letting his parents ground him at 22 years old. After we were over, he moved out and got a really good government job. Another ex was doing coke 3-4 times a year and couldn't quit while we were together. Now he's clean. Please keep in mind that these issues were not brought to my attention until after a good bit of time and I was already invested. I don't actually look for people with problems. Anyway, now I'm afraid that this will happen to me again, especially with the staggering number of porn addicts.

If he really is changing, is it worth it to stay and try to work it out, thereby not  needing to worry about the next porn addict because this one is already exposed?

Or do I take my chances of finding another addict and wasting three more years of my life until I find out?

[Judy246]

I think you are very smart and perceptive of what is acceptable and unacceptable for you and I applaud you for it. Your b/f is also aware of his inappropriate behavior and I applaud that he has seek helped.

Porn has become an epidemic like a drug where it draws people in and then it becomes addictive. Porn is destructive. It goes agains every moral value and destructive to the very core of the family unit, marriages and relationships.

It is not your fault for other peoples problems, issues, behavior and addictions and life is a journey of taking chances. Some you win, most you lose, so you can't go around with fear that the next guy is going to be like the others. Your just going to be a little more careful and cautious screening out potential long term exclusive relationship.

Your current b/f is doing the right thing and has asked you for support and right now, you are in control of you. You have to re-evaluate the situation and is he and the relationship worth salvaging. I believe that everyone deserves a second change if the show repentance and take action and responsibility for their actions and never repeat it again, so it's really your decision, since you know him best. There are great guys out there so don't be descouraged, but the choice is your and make sure to lay the law with your needs, wants and expectations and take it from there.  Good Luck, Judy

[Judy246]

Also, maybe he might want to go to counseling with you on how best to resolve the issues that need to be addressed in the relationship.  Judy