To break up, or to try harder?

[rhia972]

This has been eating at me for a while.. Just a little advice may help. I am 22 years old.

History is this --
Best friend, met at age 13. Boyfriends in between, but he yearned for me always.

Age 16, I give in, me and best friend become a couple. Very much in love, a spiritual connection like none other.

Age 17, I move and long distance is hard.  Bad break up.

Age 17-21 Stuggle with my lost love, we become best friends again, but I always harbor these feelings. I did everything in my power to get over it.  Sometimes I thought I did, but I only lied to myself.  We visit once a year. He becomes very good at hiding his feelings. To this day, unsure how he feels. He still talks to me about everything, every girl he's with seems to never be up to standard, but any hint of feelings for me come out as "You're in your "own special catagory"  not friend not lover, my guiding light."

Age 21- A visit from him turns out bad. He leaves on bad terms due to mind games on both of our parts. In fact, he stole off during the night leaving a note that said I was "exiled" and he'd never speak to me again. 2 weeks later, I'm still numb from our fight, and actually feel refreshed that I feel for him like that no longer, but he contacts me telling me he loved me, I was his best friend and he could never stop talking to me. Things warmed up a little. But I find a new boyfriend.  It's a little rash, but he seemed enanmored with me at first glance.

21-22 (current!) - This is where it gets tricky. My new lover and me start out great. He starts to get a little serious too fast (as I'm still healing from "best friend") but we work it out. I begin to love this new person, we get along great, have all kinds of interests, and he is completely in love with everything about me. I waver back and forth because he's not as intelligent or quick witted as I'm used to, not as thoughtful (he cares, he's just a little niave when it comes to romance due to a bad childhood), and he is a little un reliable and has a hard time getting used to adult life.  But I decided to keep trying. He has improved a lot since we met, but still not up to par. I got a job offer, and I had a 2 week notice to move 3500 miles away. Coincidentally... 3500 closer to "best friend". New lover would not accept me going alone. So he left his family, his friends, everything, and left with me. I've been here 3 months. I'm continually frustrated with him due to lies (small ones, the ones you make because you don't want to look stupid because he HATES looking stupid around me), his lack of ambition or goals in life. He TRIES which is why I stay with him. He is extremely devoted, loyal, gentle and I can almost feel the terror in his heart when he thinks I'm ready to give up. We keep a couples journal and he writes endlessly about how things will change, how he plans for this, and he'll show me this and that, and how he will do anything to keep me forever. I love him dearly, but I don't feel like I'm IN LOVE with him anymore. Worst even, talking to "best friend" now that I'm only a bit of a drive away.. I wonder if we are destined as I used to think.. the spiritual connection we had (even apart, he'd know if something was wrong without me contacting him) .. I just don't know.  I am a very empathetic person, and now that it's been over a year with new lover.. I can't bear to break his heart and do what?  Send him back home?  What if I make a mistake?  If I was to break up with him.. how the hell would I do this? It's scary to think about... but if it's not going to work in the long run, isn't waiting going to make it even worse for him? Sometimes I just want freedom to explore any other options, like meeting someone in my area who has all the qualities I want in someone.

But then I think about how loved I am.. not all people are as lucky to have someone so devoted, who would walk 8 hours across town to see you for 30 minutes (yes he did this..) who states at you in adoration even being a semi-attractive overweight woman.  I don't know if I'm being picky... if I'm just not ready to settle... if I secretly still long for best friend.. or if I'm being ridiculous and need to work on this as hard as I can.

Sorry it was so long, but I don't talk to anyone about this so it kinda all came flooding out.
Any response would be appreciated.

[rhia972]

I didn't mean to make it seem that way-- that is not the case. I care deeply for both of them, in different ways, and have helped them both grow, and them me.  I only stressed that fact of his feelings for me because that is what makes it so hard, because I do love this person and enjoy their companionship, that it makes ending a relationship in hopes of a wonderful friendship very hard because I believe his reactions would be severe. I sometimes feel bliss when I'm with him, then others times I wonder if I can deal with him in the long haul due to the anger.. I want something peaceful for my future and I can't figure out if waiting and supporting will fix this (since we're so young) or if it's something he has to figure out on his own and I'd only be delaying the inevitable by staying. I don't want a beau.. I want a partner that can progress with me instead of dragging behind shouting words of love.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm bothered by your story seeming to say that you got together with these guys only because they were attracted to you.  You're not supposed to choose someone just because he badgers you to date him, or will walk 8 hours to see you.   It doesn't sound like what's going on with the present boyfriend is the best thing.  You don't sound like you were very emotionally available in the first place.  Good luck, you might get together with the first guy again or might not, but try not to let your next beau be chosen simply because he seems enamored of you.  There are better reasons to pick a partner.  

[Joyful50]

You know, I read your whole post word for word. I have been with the same man for 36 years. We met in high school, my friends and I told each other we would never date the "type" of guy he was at the time. My best friend set me up with him a few  months later and I knew then that we were going to be together forever.
I think if you are having this many questions about your love for this man then you should think twice about making a commitment with him. It sounds like he is wanting to please you,  but are you going to have to work this hard for a loving relationship forever?

I am no expert or anything, I am just talking from experience. Relationships do take work, don't get me wrong, but in your mind, you just know if you are with the right person or not.

Just think about the future before commiting to anything. That's all.
Joyful50

[helpinghousemates]

hey darling sometimes these situations can be a little tricky.
my advice is, while you cant love your best friend just because he loves you, neither can you love your boyfriend just because he loves you.
ut sounds like your best friend is verry much in love with you, but was afraid to say so, just as your boyfriend is also verry much in love with you.
while whatever path you choose will hurt one of them, and ts hard you can only choose one. you cant half love someone and be ok with that, otherwise youll never trully be happy.
think about, if they were both ding at the same time, witch one would you choose to save first.
whos the last one in your mind beore you go to sleep?
somewhere in you you know the truth, grab hold of it, make a decision, and once you do, dont doubt yourself, go for it with everything you got.
hope i can help, =D