Aa
Topic of the day: Emotional Independence
How do I stop myself from "seeking sympathy" from others? basically gaining emotional independence. Certainly, dealing with your issues on your own is a big part of discovering yourself, to stand on your own two feet. Also, people are quite disappointing :p I have been swiftly learning that just because you care, doesn't mean that others care. Life was always so simple for me, I just went around being nice to the people in my life. Ensuring that their needs are met, making sure that they know I am available 24/7s and that I would even neglect all that matters to accommodate them. I have learned rather quickly that "people generally suck." So I wonder....how do I stop obsessing (I like that word -___-) over helping persons to solve their problems and not feel like a b**** and take up my own problems, without needing assistance? Where do I draw the line at being a good friend versus being Ms. Fix it?
Thoughts anyone?
Thoughts anyone?
The place that I have had counseling before, my mother told me they had a free section. However, when I called and asked they told me that is not so. But my mom has gone there so I don't know. i have no idea if there are any. I will look into it.
Thanks so much guys for you input, it really means alot.
Shell I liked your analogy with the cup too.
Anna
Thanks so much guys for you input, it really means alot.
Shell I liked your analogy with the cup too.
Anna
I really hope you take all this to heart as I think we all want the best for you and for you to find your way.
Your statement......"Ur right I do act like the victim ALOT. Its something I am working on. I blame persons for "the way I am" when in essence I helped to shape alot of the negativity within me. So that's a task." I think you might consciously or unconsciously be setting situations up in order to "play victim." Own your responsibility and YOU are accountable for your actions and choices not others.
Anna, you know what would be terrible or in your words "suck"? If this doesn't change and your life continues "as is."
Are there any free support groups or counselling you can consult to help you further to sort this out? Ideally, I really think your need a professional intervention for this. This would be difficult on your own to do in my opinion, not saying you can't do it on your own, but it would be difficult.
Your statement......"Ur right I do act like the victim ALOT. Its something I am working on. I blame persons for "the way I am" when in essence I helped to shape alot of the negativity within me. So that's a task." I think you might consciously or unconsciously be setting situations up in order to "play victim." Own your responsibility and YOU are accountable for your actions and choices not others.
Anna, you know what would be terrible or in your words "suck"? If this doesn't change and your life continues "as is."
Are there any free support groups or counselling you can consult to help you further to sort this out? Ideally, I really think your need a professional intervention for this. This would be difficult on your own to do in my opinion, not saying you can't do it on your own, but it would be difficult.
Everyone has truly posted some amazing and insightful points.
Specialmom: Oh come on, you know I am not being sensitive or taking what you said the wrong way. I am biggest critic lol and so any odd complications that I see in my personality I pick them out and the truth is that I do play the victim ALOT.
Tink: Ur right, we all have to take care of ourselves and solve our own issues and being there in totality in the hopes of having it returned is not the way to do things.
Kendal: its like u ripped a page straight out of diary. Excellent excellent advice there, please inbox me.
Londres: plain as usual and so truthful.
So basically... 1. I need to weed out the bad persons in my life and form healthier interactions. 2. The time, love and attention I give to others I should give it to myself and my daughter. 3. I need to learn how to leave people and their issues be and focus more on what I need to be working on to make me a happier more healthy person. 4, When I help persons I should do it simply out of the kindness of my own heart and not have any expectations.
Specialmom: Oh come on, you know I am not being sensitive or taking what you said the wrong way. I am biggest critic lol and so any odd complications that I see in my personality I pick them out and the truth is that I do play the victim ALOT.
Tink: Ur right, we all have to take care of ourselves and solve our own issues and being there in totality in the hopes of having it returned is not the way to do things.
Kendal: its like u ripped a page straight out of diary. Excellent excellent advice there, please inbox me.
Londres: plain as usual and so truthful.
So basically... 1. I need to weed out the bad persons in my life and form healthier interactions. 2. The time, love and attention I give to others I should give it to myself and my daughter. 3. I need to learn how to leave people and their issues be and focus more on what I need to be working on to make me a happier more healthy person. 4, When I help persons I should do it simply out of the kindness of my own heart and not have any expectations.
kendalmintcake and Londres & specialmom all have excellent advice for you.
Heard Iyanla on OWN network yesterday and I love what she says about
filling up you OWN cup & Taking care of YOU: “You want to come with your cup full. My cup runneth over. What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine but I’ve gotta keep my cup full….When you start sacrificing yourself for others, you make them a thief because they are stealing from you what you need and they don’t even know it.” – Iylana
Heard Iyanla on OWN network yesterday and I love what she says about
filling up you OWN cup & Taking care of YOU: “You want to come with your cup full. My cup runneth over. What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine but I’ve gotta keep my cup full….When you start sacrificing yourself for others, you make them a thief because they are stealing from you what you need and they don’t even know it.” – Iylana
COMMUNITY LEADER
Londres has given wise advice as well as others but I love what she has said here. What she said.
I see several issues going on here.
Your statement......"I have learned rather quickly that people generally suck." I believe the people you are choosing to place in your life do, but not all people suck.
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Have you ever heard this saying Anna? It means don't give another person something he/she doesn't appreciate or deserve. In your case that would be 1. your time 2. your friendship. On the other hand, you could be draining decent people of their energy related to your neediness.
Everybody is responsible for "fixing" himself/herself. People and friendships shouldn't be looked upon as "projects" to complete nor should you place yourself at anyone's "beck and call" in hopes of them returning the favor.
The only person you are obligated to make yourself 24/7 available to is your daughter.
I find that people who focus on others excessively are usually trying to avoid dealing with their own issues/situations or they feel inadequate and feel they have something to prove by being overly helpful.
Try making a daily list of Anna's problems or what Anna should be doing today and focus on that daily. The problems or tasks may change everyday but the goal would be for you to get used to focusing on yourself more and others less.
Take charge of you and your world around you. Quit looking to others to dominate your world or for validation.
Your statement......"I have learned rather quickly that people generally suck." I believe the people you are choosing to place in your life do, but not all people suck.
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Have you ever heard this saying Anna? It means don't give another person something he/she doesn't appreciate or deserve. In your case that would be 1. your time 2. your friendship. On the other hand, you could be draining decent people of their energy related to your neediness.
Everybody is responsible for "fixing" himself/herself. People and friendships shouldn't be looked upon as "projects" to complete nor should you place yourself at anyone's "beck and call" in hopes of them returning the favor.
The only person you are obligated to make yourself 24/7 available to is your daughter.
I find that people who focus on others excessively are usually trying to avoid dealing with their own issues/situations or they feel inadequate and feel they have something to prove by being overly helpful.
Try making a daily list of Anna's problems or what Anna should be doing today and focus on that daily. The problems or tasks may change everyday but the goal would be for you to get used to focusing on yourself more and others less.
Take charge of you and your world around you. Quit looking to others to dominate your world or for validation.
Your question is how to help yourself more and where to draw the line. I'm very much like you, trying to gain acceptance from others by treating them better than myself. That usually ends up disappointing, and the reason is is because the people you are helping (at least in my case) never asked for help, and, because of that there is a high likelyhood that you build expectations that they will be more appreciative.
I know people like me, who come and do things for me unsolicited and not always do I want these things done. I become a bit unthankful, sometimes even frustrated, suddenly that person is pissed. Now I'm thinking, that's bs, I have to tread lightly so as to not trigger this persons delicate emotions, why doesn't he just offer to be there if I need him, then he'll be happy coz his job just got easier.
That is the delema of needy people. You do things for others and they are not as appreciative as you hoped and now everybody is uncomfortable.
So, what I can suggest as you know, is take care of yourself first. Yeah, that's obvious I know. But here is the part you need to think about. Blend in random acts of kindness to your week and if possible to people you don't know. Also do a few unexpected simple nice guestures to people you do know and do them with no strings attached. This way you take care of your side that is generous - see that will never go away. You are just naturally kind, generous and a rare gift to society. These little things are quick and easy and open plenty of time for concentrating on treating yourself the way you deserve.
Ok, just some suggestions, hope they help!
I know people like me, who come and do things for me unsolicited and not always do I want these things done. I become a bit unthankful, sometimes even frustrated, suddenly that person is pissed. Now I'm thinking, that's bs, I have to tread lightly so as to not trigger this persons delicate emotions, why doesn't he just offer to be there if I need him, then he'll be happy coz his job just got easier.
That is the delema of needy people. You do things for others and they are not as appreciative as you hoped and now everybody is uncomfortable.
So, what I can suggest as you know, is take care of yourself first. Yeah, that's obvious I know. But here is the part you need to think about. Blend in random acts of kindness to your week and if possible to people you don't know. Also do a few unexpected simple nice guestures to people you do know and do them with no strings attached. This way you take care of your side that is generous - see that will never go away. You are just naturally kind, generous and a rare gift to society. These little things are quick and easy and open plenty of time for concentrating on treating yourself the way you deserve.
Ok, just some suggestions, hope they help!
To answer my own question - perhaps I didn't understand. Reading Your next post and SpecialMom's as well makes me realize I don't know the story here. I apologize if I was totally of base.
Regards,
Tink
Regards,
Tink
I've no doubt that You are insightful and that You know a lot but to think You can "fix" what's "wrong" in Someone's life is presumptous. All You can ever do is offer a Suggestion, a Thought, an Idea - but You don't "fix" Other People or Their problems - THEY do the fixing.....and Their solution may not always be the same as Yours - so, You ought not feel bad if Your advice is not taken. You ought not see YourSelf as Ms Fix it as You don't have the ability to "fix" what's wrong for Someone else anyway - what You have is simply an opinion that may or may not work for Someone else.
By the same token, why shouldn't You have input from Others as regards Your own problems? It works both ways - when Someone offers an opinion, You should take in what You can use and leave the rest. It's okay to have "assistance" (opinions) from Others - that doesn't mean You haven't solved Your Own problems.
No One should EXPECT Their advice to be taken - what works for Some, doesn't always work for Another. Keep in mind no matter how forthcoming One might try to be, We cannot know what it is to BE the Other Person and ultimately Our suggestion may or may not be the "right" one for Them.
(all this is said as I wonder - did I understand correctly what You were saying here?)
By the same token, why shouldn't You have input from Others as regards Your own problems? It works both ways - when Someone offers an opinion, You should take in what You can use and leave the rest. It's okay to have "assistance" (opinions) from Others - that doesn't mean You haven't solved Your Own problems.
No One should EXPECT Their advice to be taken - what works for Some, doesn't always work for Another. Keep in mind no matter how forthcoming One might try to be, We cannot know what it is to BE the Other Person and ultimately Our suggestion may or may not be the "right" one for Them.
(all this is said as I wonder - did I understand correctly what You were saying here?)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh sweetie, I don't mean for that to sound bad. And it isn't the activity WITHIN, but around. You've invited a lot of bad folks to be part of your life and then have trouble getting rid of them. Trying to let those relationships go completely and to focus on yourself and your daughter is better than being with people that are not good. And you have to actively seperate yourself. That's all.
You have a whole lot of good in you and frankly, have been through so very much. And lots of what happened to you was NOT your fault at all. But now you are in a position to make choices. You ARE responsbile for your choices now and who you choose to associate yourself with and expose yourself and your daughter too.
You know I'm cheering you on!! :>)
You have a whole lot of good in you and frankly, have been through so very much. And lots of what happened to you was NOT your fault at all. But now you are in a position to make choices. You ARE responsbile for your choices now and who you choose to associate yourself with and expose yourself and your daughter too.
You know I'm cheering you on!! :>)
You and I both know that everything you say makes sense. :) Ur right I do act like the victim ALOT. Its something I am working on. I blame persons for "the way I am" when in essence I helped to shape alot of the negativity within me. So that's a task.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, good question. One suggestion is to OWN your own life and the mistakes you have made. Other people haven't 'done' things to you (well, they have, but . . . ) you made choices in your life that got you to where you are at. See what I am saying?? Not beating up on you but saying that one way to not seek empathy from others is to say --------- "I am NOT a victem but had a hand in **some** of the unfortunate things that have happened to me. NEXT time I will make better choices and change the direction of my life!" Very empowering to do that and by doing this, you take the control away from others and give it back to yourself (where it needs to be).
As far as 'helping', it seems more of the same. The insecurity within you makes you desire to be needed. Taking care of yourself and your daughter is your first priority and right now, should be your main focus. You can't fix others with so much on your own plate. By keeping that in mind, maybe you can pull back and just work on you and your daughter.
I think you'd be a very good nurse or social worker because then you are helping others without putting yourself into their drama. You'll still get that 'feel good' feeling without the psychological issues of picking messed up people to be in your life.
How does any of that sound?
As far as 'helping', it seems more of the same. The insecurity within you makes you desire to be needed. Taking care of yourself and your daughter is your first priority and right now, should be your main focus. You can't fix others with so much on your own plate. By keeping that in mind, maybe you can pull back and just work on you and your daughter.
I think you'd be a very good nurse or social worker because then you are helping others without putting yourself into their drama. You'll still get that 'feel good' feeling without the psychological issues of picking messed up people to be in your life.
How does any of that sound?
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